nowaymamma Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Hi guys! me and my BF of 2 years were going strong. One day asked by my best friend when will we marry, he said we won't. when i hinted at this conversation, he said he can't marry me because we have different career goals - i'm in a dance troupe and travel quite a bit. we kept going around but he would rub it in every now and then that we will be very unhappy if we are together longterm. then he went for a friends wedding to another city and never called in 8 days. i called him when he came back and he seemed very distant. the next day we met and decided to remain friends but finish the relationship. we kept in contact but his behavior started hurting me a lot. he would not return my calls and will cancel dinner engagements. after not talking for 4 days, i called him. he was busy but called me back and we did some usual hi how are you, weather, etc. we went silent (totally) on each other for two months after that. four days back i called him to wish him birthday, he didn't take my call. i thought he must be busy. so i called again and left a message saying "many happy returns of the day. have a great day. lets forget the bitterness and be friends again." he hasn't called back or said anything. i feel so cheap, there is no end to it. i haven't eaten in two days and am running high fever. i was almost over him but missed the friendship sometimes. he has insulted me to his ego's satisfaction. this hurts like the first day of our break up. i hate his power games but don't like being the loser. what should i do to equal the score? i'm burning.
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 The best revenge, IMO, is to be happy... I know this is hard, because you feel miserable, you miss him...etc... but you got to put up a 'front' that you are happy... Forget him... move on... he might never call again..why are you obsessed with him... you're better off without this guy... trust me... Be strong, independant, go out with your friends, get closer to your family, do whatever it takes to take him off your mind. Good luck!
Hazy Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I agree with Lizzie. I am 100% for No Contact after a breakup. He has made his decision final by telling you he doesn't want a future with you and has broken up with you, so the only thing to do is move on. Continuing contact is just torturous, and notice it is only you who is initiating contact so what does that tell you? You contacting him is only making you sadder so don't do it anymore. It will take a little time but get out there and date, it sounds like you are very talented in your career getting to dance with a group, take advantage of the moments you have in your exciting career, meet people. live life to the fullest.
Author nowaymamma Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 the point is that i'm over him or so i think. i mean i don't think about him for hours. but it has hurt my self esteem that he didn't have the decency to reply to a birthday message. it's not loss here that i'm suffering from but insult. also i'm tired of the hierarchical games. if you break nc with a mandatory message like birthday, someone's death, friendship, and the other person doesn't reply, are you a loser in the larger scheme of things? i shouldn't have called because he treated me like crap. it should be me who should be indifferent. will it be as good if I don't call ever again? or has he won already?
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 the point is that i'm over him or so i think. i mean i don't think about him for hours. but it has hurt my self esteem that he didn't have the decency to reply to a birthday message. it's not loss here that i'm suffering from but insult. also i'm tired of the hierarchical games. if you break nc with a mandatory message like birthday, someone's death, friendship, and the other person doesn't reply, are you a loser in the larger scheme of things? i shouldn't have called because he treated me like crap. it should be me who should be indifferent. will it be as good if I don't call ever again? or has he won already? Sometimes they not contacting is contacting. Put it this way. If he was compleatly over you he would say, ok thanks, i mean why not. Its true that anyone that refuses to take or answer or reply to calls is not over you. Anyone doing n/c is not over there ex. Am i right?? Think about this. But you have to forget him and carry on with your life, cos unless you can see that his silence is saying something, then all you will do is wind yourself up as you are doing. Sometimes silence is not b/c they dont give a ****, but its b/c of guilt and pain that they are feeling in a sub countious level. . I may be wrong.
SierraMarie Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Sometimes they not contacting is contacting. Put it this way. If he was compleatly over you he would say, ok thanks, i mean why not. Its true that anyone that refuses to take or answer or reply to calls is not over you. Anyone doing n/c is not over there ex. Am i right?? Think about this. But you have to forget him and carry on with your life, cos unless you can see that his silence is saying something, then all you will do is wind yourself up as you are doing. Sometimes silence is not b/c they dont give a ****, but its b/c of guilt and pain that they are feeling in a sub countious level. . I may be wrong. Or they could just not give a **** and just not want to deal with you anymore? by the way, funkybassplayer, i never thanked you for the advice you gave me one time about no contact and ive been meaning to. anyway, thanks!! if you even remember, but thanks anyway, it really helped me. I think your very helpful and caring
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Or they could just not give a **** and just not want to deal with you anymore? by the way, funkybassplayer, i never thanked you for the advice you gave me one time about no contact and ive been meaning to. anyway, thanks!! if you even remember, but thanks anyway, it really helped me. I think your very helpful and caring Aw thank you that really means alot. Ok i think that it would be a very horrible person to not aknowlage some thing like a b/day wish. If they are truly over you they would text thanks and thats it. Even regarding money stuff? why would someonre not say that ok fine? If you send a wish (recently i sent a few quid for the ex kids for some pocket money) but do it for the right reason, and not for the reson of a reply, cos you can be sure that if they dont reply its a thank you. If they say dont do it again or cheers well they have moved on. DONT DO OR SEND ANYTHING UNLESS YOU DO IT FOR THE REASON INTENDED AND SENT WITH YOUR LOVE BEHIND IT cos you wont care about a reply, you will just be happy they got the wish or whatever. Like i said saying nothing can sometimes say alot, if you look in the right place of your brain. What i mean by that is forget anger that he hasnt contacted forget he does nt care , put all that asid and think. Why the hell would someone stay silent, to things that would be of no problem to give a quike reply like thanks?? No i dont belive its cause they dont give a ****, if they did you would get back a thanks. And we all know our exs enough to know if are compleat dick heads (therefore if they have moved on they will say nothing) and if that the case **** em anyway, or to know if they are over you they will not think nothing about sayimg thanks. Dont get me wrong this does not make anything different. Howmany people on here and out there who are going out of their way not to reply or call, or thier ex does not reply or call can really say its b/c they dont give a crap about you anymore..................something to think about?? maybe?
SierraMarie Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Aw thank you that really means alot. Ok i think that it would be a very horrible person to not aknowlage some thing like a b/day wish. If they are truly over you they would text thanks and thats it. Even regarding money stuff? why would someonre not say that ok fine? If you send a wish (recently i sent a few quid for the ex kids for some pocket money) but do it for the right reason, and not for the reson of a reply, cos you can be sure that if they dont reply its a thank you. If they say dont do it again or cheers well they have moved on. DONT DO OR SEND ANYTHING UNLESS YOU DO IT FOR THE REASON INTENDED AND SENT WITH YOUR LOVE BEHIND IT cos you wont care about a reply, you will just be happy they got the wish or whatever. Like i said saying nothing can sometimes say alot, if you look in the right place of your brain. What i mean by that is forget anger that he hasnt contacted forget he does nt care , put all that asid and think. Why the hell would someone stay silent, to things that would be of no problem to give a quike reply like thanks?? No i dont belive its cause they dont give a ****, if they did you would get back a thanks. And we all know our exs enough to know if are compleat dick heads (therefore if they have moved on they will say nothing) and if that the case **** em anyway, or to know if they are over you they will not think nothing about sayimg thanks. Dont get me wrong this does not make anything different. Howmany people on here and out there who are going out of their way not to reply or call, or thier ex does not reply or call can really say its b/c they dont give a crap about you anymore..................something to think about?? maybe? That could very well be, and probably is the truth in many situations. the thing is, what if they just think you're making some attempt to get back with them or whatever even if it doesn't appear that way (such as a b-day wish) or they think you're just trying to maintain contact with them cuz you cant let go. Especially if you've done such things in the past. Maybe that don't want to fuel that and just don't respond? I'm just saying, it can't be the case everytime that they dont respond just because they're hurting. It might hurt but it could be the truth...
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 That could very well be, and probably is the truth in many situations. the thing is, what if they just think you're making some attempt to get back with them or whatever even if it doesn't appear that way (such as a b-day wish) or they think you're just trying to maintain contact with them cuz you cant let go. Especially if you've done such things in the past. Maybe that don't want to fuel that and just don't respond? I'm just saying, it can't be the case everytime that they dont respond just because they're hurting. It might hurt but it could be the truth... This is why i said whatever you do do it for the right reason, cuz if you expecting any reply for an act, then you havent sent it for the right reson, regardless of what they think. Ok imagine sending cash for her kids for the hols for there spending. I did it with love, not for any other reason, that is why i have no wish to find out if they got it. They did and i know she is gratful and so are the kids. Ok if i sent it then called a week later did you get it? That says needy. Say nothing and even if at first they think you sent it for a reason ither than intended, just the fact that your not following it up implies that it was a genuine act. Does that make sence to you? So bacically, dont send anything unless you do it for the reson that you intend. A b/day card to expect a reply means nothing. But if you send it, then know in your heart they are happy for it, that should be enough. Make sense?? I have no wish at all to follow up i sent the cash, b/c i know her kids have had a little extra money. that is enough for me, and that giving act made me feel happy. And one other thing. It says to me that deep down you sent that text for a reply. ? Dont worry, sometimes no reply speaks lots, and just be happy you sent the wish.
SierraMarie Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Yes, I get it. Im just saying there could be other reasons they don't respond. But as long as you are doing it out of love, then yes it's good. i guess i'm just applying this to my own personal situation. I called my ex just to see how he was, that was my only intention, because i really care about how he is. Of course he didn't answer, and i can't help but feel a little bad. Of course he could not be talking to me because he wants to move on, but it could be that he just doesn't want to talk to me. if that is the case, my first thought was that he's a jerk and who needs him anyway. but then i was like well maybe he's just done with me and doesnt want to speak with me anymore because he is the one that broke up with me and i of course didn't want to do that so he could think im just trying to maintain contact because im desperate or something I think to much, im confused now. Anyway, sorry about that, i shouldn't have posted that in here.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Yes, I get it. Im just saying there could be other reasons they don't respond. But as long as you are doing it out of love, then yes it's good. i guess i'm just applying this to my own personal situation. I called my ex just to see how he was, that was my only intention, because i really care about how he is. Of course he didn't answer, and i can't help but feel a little bad. Of course he could not be talking to me because he wants to move on, but it could be that he just doesn't want to talk to me. if that is the case, my first thought was that he's a jerk and who needs him anyway. but then i was like well maybe he's just done with me and doesnt want to speak with me anymore because he is the one that broke up with me and i of course didn't want to do that so he could think im just trying to maintain contact because im desperate or something I think to much, im confused now. Anyway, sorry about that, i shouldn't have posted that in here. Look the best way to handle this is to let him go, and any act that you may do in time, do it cos you want to and not cos you want a reply. You say he never answered the phone and this made you feel crap. That means that you had a need to that act-get it! Dont do any caring act if there is your own personal need at the end. You know people can sense when something is sent for the right reason and for a need. You are confusing yourself, as you are doing thing s for your need. Ok on the surface, course you care, but deep down you wanted to talk to him-a need. If you called he never answered and you though oh well hope hes ok, then cool, but this has messed up your head, b/c your need was not met. If he is really trully over you, he would answer the phone- why the hell not?? think about that 1. Dont mean you have to do anything, but let him go.
SierraMarie Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Of course you're right. But so what if I feel the need to talk to him. I do. And I also want to know how he is. I really hope he's just not answering because he knows we shouldn't talk. He always did have more self control than me. Oh geez, Im just gonna shut up, I'm feeling pathetic here.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Of course you're right. But so what if I feel the need to talk to him. I do. And I also want to know how he is. I really hope he's just not answering because he knows we shouldn't talk. He always did have more self control than me. Oh geez, Im just gonna shut up, I'm feeling pathetic here. b/c its the needyness of your act that will put him off. Like i said people can sence why it was done or whatever. So only do things when you do it for the nature intended. I know this is bloody hard, but it means letting go, and if you do that, and take time out for yourself to think about things, and you, then feel that you want to re approch him, then your head will be in a much better place to handle whatever the outcome. In my case i want to send b/d cards to her kids etc, but i really want to do it, cos its an act of love to them, with no attachment to what i may get out of it. Ok eveyone here will say there not your kids or get over it, but its what feel s right to me, and no one has the right to dictate what you should or should not do. Now this all that i have said is regarding you. You said you do care how he is, of course you do, but the fact that he has not picked up the phone, has left your head in a mess. If you get to the stage where it wont, and you still want to know how he is than cool. But anything that will hurt you, is not worth doing. Get my point? have to say this all goes much deeper than we are talking here, im taking phcologhy coching to help me understand and it really is half spiritual and half emotional. It depends if you belive in all that stuff.
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