Heartache11 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Hi again, I just wanted to give everyone the final update. He ended it today. We had agreed to meet in person either last night or today. He called at 2, basically told me it was over. We agreed to meet up briefly when he got out of work, which we did. He told me I was too overbearing, we weren't the same people, and he can't do it right now. I tried to argue back, but basically realized it wasn't going to do any good. I asked him if this is right now or forever, and he told me he doesn't want to give me false hope, that it is sort of an indefinite hiatus. We hugged, I cried, and he promised I'd be one of the first 7 people to ride in his new car. He was a lot nicer today than he's ever been. I told him I had so many things I couldn't get out because I was so upset and he said to write him an e-mail, which I have. I guess there's nothing I can do now. I'm very upset, but you can't change it. Thank you for all that helped me.
Chinook Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 {{hugs}} really sorry it ended for you...but you know as well as he did it was going this way. Just hang in there hun, you've read everyone else's stories, you've also posted very eloquent advice to people so you'll get through this. Take it one moment at a time.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Thank you for your kind words Chinook. I do have a good head on my shoulder, I just sucumb to my emotions. I will try and be strong. Any suggestions on how to move on?
Chinook Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 How to move on..? Gosh lots of things really. Basically to realise that the initial stages after the breakup will hurt and you will feel profoundly sad. I would completely cut all contact if it was me but you have to decide whether that's best for you. 'No contact' can be really tortuous in the early stages. Basically I'd take things one step at a time. People will tell you to get busy, go out with friends etc. What I would say to you is, you do what you feel you have to in order to get through it. For me it was a period of 6-7 weeks of burying myself and wallowing. It's not always a good thing but it allowed me to look at the reasons why I felt as I did. Now my journey is more about self-discovery than it is about losing the ex. The really early stages for me all I could focus on was how I felt and why. I stopped eating properly, sleeping properly and I felt jaded and tired. I had to look at what it was doing to me. So I made sure I restarted eating, sleeping at a regular time and this week I restarted running (I'm a marathon runner). Also this week, I've immersed myself in 'doing' activities...things where I'm active but also where I am with people too. So I speak to people outside my work life. I've so far taken up Yoga, Tai Chi, joined and new running club and joined a new triathlon club. So it depends really what works for you. Hope this helps a little.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 A triathlong club?! Wow! Well, since we have broken up and gotten back together twice before I guess I can say the grieving part is a LITTLE less painful. I've gone through all the memories, the what I'm going to miss, etc. I went out with friends tonight and didn't contact him. I go back to school 200 miles away in less than 3 weeks, so I guess I can start fresh. My first two years he seemed to still be a part of my every move at school. Not healthy, I know. But for the time being, we live 3 minutes away from each other and it will be hard. All my friends leave for school a week earlier too. He also is getting his new car tomorrow, which I was excited about. I guess I just need to remember he has no direction in his life and isn't ready for a serious commitment. Yes, we are young and he is partially right that we need this "indefinite hiatus", but what it boils down to is if he truly cared, he'd be with me.
spookie Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 What helped me move on was realizing that all my agonizing was totally worthless. It wasn't going to mend my relationship, it wasn't going to help me get my life back together; all it did was poison my mood and suck up my time. Going through a lot of the threads on this site helped I think helped me heal faster.. if you read enough of them, you'll start to want to pound everyone on here on the head for being so NAIVE (like I was, like I am). I genuinely feel for all the people going through heartbreaks on this site, but what we ave to realize is that our exes aren't worth it. They're weren't worth as much love as we gave them (especially not the ones that lied, cheated, misled, or intentionally hurt us) and they definitely aren't worth all the stressing, crying, and begging that we've collectively done. Things begin, things end; for most of the people on this forum, enough damage has been done to render the situation hopeless, or at least entirely out of our control. So we just have to plow on, get over it. Let go of the negative feelings, don't dwell on the positive (in fact, once you've made peace with the fact that it's over, it would do you good to block out the positive; there is no point in visiting the good memories at this time; you can do so later; they are yours to keep).
AriaIncognito Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 What helped me move on was realizing that all my agonizing was totally worthless. It wasn't going to mend my relationship, it wasn't going to help me get my life back together; all it did was poison my mood and suck up my time. QUOTE] Gosh Spookie, that is so profound. If only I could get myself to follow that advice I think I'd be healed a lot faster. I'm doing OK, but if I could stop doingi the "what ifs" in my head (aka agonizing over it all) I'd be doing even better. Kudos to you for such strength.
spookie Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Gosh Spookie, that is so profound. If only I could get myself to follow that advice I think I'd be healed a lot faster. I'm doing OK, but if I could stop doingi the "what ifs" in my head (aka agonizing over it all) I'd be doing even better. Kudos to you for such strength. It wasn't strength so much as tiredness. After a year of breaking up and getting back together every couple of months I was a nervous wreck and completely exhausted. Although, after this last time, there was also an element of "that bastard- i'll show him!" motivating me. They say a life well-lived is the best revenge, and I think it's true. He wants to be rich and famous - he felt I was holding him back. Well, game on! I'm going to be MORE rich and famous. At least, I know if I stop lying around and sobbing over the breakup, I'll end up doing better in *life* than if I'm bed-ridden with grief. And if I'm happy with myself, it'll be easier not to notice his absence.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 I was doing pretty good all day. I went to work, went to dinner with a friend, and tried to forget about him. I even bought that book It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken! But when I came home, I saw he had left me an IM saying he got his new car and he is going to put one of our little stuffed animals in it like he promised. I thought this was a done deal. Why would he even tease me with that? I IMed him back, starting talking, asked if he wanted this and he said yes, he wants to be apart, he still cares about me, etc. I said okay, call me sometime and goodnight. Is he just trying to be nice? Does he not know what he wants? I'm going to bed stressed and I am going to wake up wondering all these things. Maybe I'm still in shock he's not in my life anymore.
spookie Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I think he knows what he doesn't want, and that's you, because if he did, he woulnd't have broken up with you n the first place. Think of it this way. With how much you love him, would YOU be ok with a breakup? Would you ahve initiated one unless completely cornered into it by something like abuse or cheating? I think not... because to you he is worth the fight, worth whatever little disagreements come between you. Whereas to him, freedom is more important, even at the cost of hurting you horribly or losing you forever. I think he is calling you and telling you that crap etiher for hte ego boost (even if he's not "that" kind of person, it could be unintentional...run to the nice exgf who still cares about you a load) or to ease his own guilt. My ex did the same thing for months... he even threw in i love you's in there when i felt REALLY distant... but when it came down to it, when I called him on it, stopped stroking his ego, told him to **** or get off the pot... he had no problem totally removing himself from my life, after throwing a couple mean comments my way about how "needy" I was. I've been where you are... I was stuck there for a year, and, believe me, it's not a fun place to be, nor will you end up with anything but bitterness from this clinging on you're prepared to do. This pecking at his crumbs. You need to let him go, get him completley out of your life and focus on you. Because, you know, you can be as understanding as you want of this guy, you can make all the excuses in the world for him, love him fiercely, and it won't change the fact that he has no intention of returning any of your emotional favors or feelings. Right now, he is thinking of himself. You should follow suit.
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