sadie2 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I am new to this site. I guess at my age, 55+ I still don't know how to establish a lasting and true friendship. I have always been loyal and caring yet not confronting. I have a "friend" who has called me her "best friend". We at one time were neighbors--that's how me met. Anyway, she has since moved. I had tried several times to have her come across the street for "coffee". Every now and then she would but right after she said they were moving, she always put me off as being to busy. "After they moved we would get together more than ever before." Well, any time, would be more than ever before. It was like she was distancing herself from me. I would call now and then to see how they were doing---offered my house while they had a "showing'" so they didn't have to leave in their car. If she had a bad thing happen in the family or whatever, I would take her flowers. I thought I was a pretty good friend to her. I was never asked to have coffee, and when I would email her, she would never return my emails, I would always call her, never she call me first. Now, they have stopped going to our church. I don't know---is it me? If she doesn't want to be friends, then why doesn't she tell me. He daughter just had a baby, I made her a baby afghan, called to ask to see the baby and she has never returned my call. What is this?????? I don't feel I have done anything wrong! So what would you do? I guess I should just forgive and move on? My husband and hers I thought had things in common too.
Poboy Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 they wont tell you they dont want to be friends cause its considered rude. its always considered to be understood that they dont want to be friends when they avoid you and dont contact you. the other side of the coin is you are too demanding & pushy as friends which can repel people away. you havent done anything wrong , just move on . anyone who dosnt take the effort to be "friends" is not worth it.
unrelatedto Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 i'm sure you would be better off without her.. you seem to be very caring and well, you need someone worth of all your pains. i just started crocheting and i know how it's much efforts you need to do an afghan... cheers and forget about her... move on with your life.
unrelatedto Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 i'm sure you would be better off without her.. you seem to be very caring and well, you need someone worth of all your pains. i just started crocheting and i know how it's much efforts you need to do an afghan... cheers and forget about her... move on with your life.
Chipite Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Yes, you haven't done anything wrong. She just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you she doesn't want to stay in contact/be friends any more. I can sympathise with your situation though. I know it's upsetting when you consider someone a very good friend, and they don't want to even be friends. A few years ago my temp job came to an end. I stayed in contact via email and text with the young lady who was sat next to me at work. Only knew her a few months, but we got on really well and had a laugh whilst at work to make the days go quicker. I considered her a good friend. Anyway, as I said, we stayed in regular contact via email and text, and this lasted about a year. After that whenever I sent any emails and texts she would take a lot longer to reply than before, i.e. a few months rather than a few days. And her emails were a lot shorter. Sent a couple of emails to her during the latter part of last year. And haven't heard back from her. So I take it she's not interested in staying in contact anymore. She's too busy with the life she's leading now and her other friends. Not much else I can do. Have no plans to try contacting her again, as she might see that as pestering her. But maybe she might contact me out of the blue one day.
uniqueone Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Why do you keep giving when you're receiving nothing in return? When it happens a few times and you get nothing back, you need to quit---instead of continuing to give more. And some here say she's just not wanting to be rude and tell you that she doesn't want to be friends. Could be. It also could be that she's just too into herself to really care how she acts to others...on whether she reciprocates. It could be that she just takes from people and, depending on their "usefullness" to her, she grants them her attention. But...word of advice...don't keep giving in a relationship until you see some giving in return. It never seems to turn out good when it goes any other way.
Touche Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Oh my gosh..my stomach did flips while reading your post. For a few moments I thought YOU were my old neighbor describing ME! Yes, this exact same thing happened with my neighbor only I was the one distancing myself from her. There's no point in going into the specifics but she did and said a few things that frankly, turned me off to her. I finally just cut her off cold. We also used to get together for coffee and drinks or just a smoke and to chat. And she, like you, also invited me over when our house was being shown. She was a very nice woman in many ways, BUT I couldn't get past some things she said/did. Even after we moved, and I didn't say goodbye to her, she called. I didn't answer. To this day, I'm quite sure she has NO clue why I cut her off. But what's the point? I didn't want to get into with her. It wasn't worth it to me, to be honest with you. My advice? Think back. Were you always nice? Did you ever delve into things that maybe weren't any of your business? Because that was one of the problems I had with her. There were a couple of other things with her though too. So what do you think?
Author sadie2 Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Hi, Got your reply,----thank you! I don't know, possibly the fact that we, my husband and I, would now and then walk over to say hi when she and her husband were outside on their porch. She always gave me a hug, so one day I walked over to her house while she was outside to do just that. As far as encroching on personal stuff, the first day ever, we had lunch, she told me about her son and his behavior of letting his boys see pornographic material. I barely knew her. I was really taken back by that. So, I don't really know what I've done. I am not confrontational so I don't know what it could be that I would have said. I even took food over to her after she had had surgery. Just really trying to be a good friend. Anyway, that's about it. I just ask how her family is doing. I generally don't comment negatively.
Touche Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Could it be that she gave you a hug when you walked over to her porch just to be polite? Maybe she didn't like her privacy being invaded when she was on her porch talking to her husband? We actually had that same issue but we put up a fence. You know what they say about fences and neighbors, right? I honestly don't know though. There's really not enough information here to go on. Maybe it had nothing to do with you at all. Maybe she just had other things going on in her life. I can only tell you what happened with me. She really would ask certain questions that were not only intrusive and none of her business but I thought were designed to expose any problems in my marriage with my husband. It was wrong and rude I thought. And like I said, there were other things. She was very sweet in many ways though. Very considerate. For me, her annoying traits ended up outweighing the good. I'll give you another example. After we put up the fence, if we were sitting on our deck and talking, I guess she could hear us on the other side of the fence and she'd call my name really loudly "Touche'! Touche'!" It was extremely annoying to me. I'm a very private person and it felt like such an intrusion. I never answered her either because I didn't want her to get in the habit of thinking she could holler my name like that and I'd come running through the gate door to greet her. Anyway, I don't know what the deal is with your neighbor. But maybe you should just find new friends. Friends come and go. That's the way it is sometimes. And some people are better at being a good friend than others are. Maybe she's like me. I'm not that tolerant or patient with people outside of my family. I'm not really a "people person" and maybe she isn't either.
uniqueone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 A lot of times the problem tends to be that one person is not picking up the signs that another is giving that they don't like certain things they're doing. In other words, the one person acts sort of clueless. So, over time, the other person finally starts distancing themselves from them. They've tried to get them to stop doing certain things but it didn't work. Let's say they change the subject when the person asks an intrusive question and they do this more than once. The person asking the intrusive questions doesn't "get" it and continues to do it. So finally, the other person just starts backing away.
Touche Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 A lot of times the problem tends to be that one person is not picking up the signs that another is giving that they don't like certain things they're doing. In other words, the one person acts sort of clueless. So, over time, the other person finally starts distancing themselves from them. They've tried to get them to stop doing certain things but it didn't work. Let's say they change the subject when the person asks an intrusive question and they do this more than once. The person asking the intrusive questions doesn't "get" it and continues to do it. So finally, the other person just starts backing away. That's so true!
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