robkris8079 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well my daughter just got the boot from daycare. First a little background, when she was one her mom left us for another man. When she was 18 months her mom moved out of state to be with him. We live in Central CT and he lives on Cape Cod. My daughter only see's her mother 3 weekends out of the month. I don't know if this is relevant but figured I would include it. My daughter, Kylar is very clingy. Not just with me but with everyone. She picks one person where ever she is and just clings to them. At daycare it's the daycare lady. This takes up all her attention to the other children. Kylar is also very selfish. I don't know how that can be I stress sharing and try to show her how fun it can be but she just doesn't get it. She wants to sit where she wants and if another child is there she will either throw a fit or physically remove the child. It doesn't matter how old or big they are she gets them to move! If another child is playing with something, Kylar will want it. She will get it anyway she can. Kylar got in trouble for hurting a 6 y/o one day. Pulled her hair until she cried. Later in the car ride home I talked to Kylar and and asked why she did that, Kylar whispered "Maggie hit me Daddy". I told her she should've told the daycare lady not pulled her hair. The latest incident is biting. She bit another little girl really hard. I have no idea why?!? Then a few days go by and the child she bit, bit Kylar back! Right after that she got the boot from daycare! The biting might actually be my fault because we play eat eachother. You know like I'll pretend to eat her tummy and make her laugh. She actually is hilarious, she does it to me (not hard), then licks her lips and says "tastes like chicken". It's so funny, wish I got to spend all day with her! So should I be looking for therapy for her or what should I be doing?
Storyrider Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I doubt she needs therapy. What she needs is complete consitancy between yourself and your wife when it comes to discipline. Biting is a normal two year old misbehavior, but the consequences should be swift and unpleasant. Right now she is getting some kind of payoff from it. Secondly, clinginess is also a normal two year old thing. But extreme clinginess results from uncertainty and insecurity. Confident kids wander off on their own because they know when they go back, the parent will always be there. Your daughter doesn't feel that confidence right now, probably because of all the switching back and forth. I don't know what you can do about that except to build in as much routine as possible until she knows what to expect.
Lostgurl Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well my daughter just got the boot from daycare. First a little background, when she was one her mom left us for another man. When she was 18 months her mom moved out of state to be with him. We live in Central CT and he lives on Cape Cod. My daughter only see's her mother 3 weekends out of the month. I don't know if this is relevant but figured I would include it. My daughter, Kylar is very clingy. Not just with me but with everyone. She picks one person where ever she is and just clings to them. At daycare it's the daycare lady. This takes up all her attention to the other children. Kylar is also very selfish. I don't know how that can be I stress sharing and try to show her how fun it can be but she just doesn't get it. She wants to sit where she wants and if another child is there she will either throw a fit or physically remove the child. It doesn't matter how old or big they are she gets them to move! If another child is playing with something, Kylar will want it. She will get it anyway she can. Kylar got in trouble for hurting a 6 y/o one day. Pulled her hair until she cried. Later in the car ride home I talked to Kylar and and asked why she did that, Kylar whispered "Maggie hit me Daddy". I told her she should've told the daycare lady not pulled her hair. The latest incident is biting. She bit another little girl really hard. I have no idea why?!? Then a few days go by and the child she bit, bit Kylar back! Right after that she got the boot from daycare! The biting might actually be my fault because we play eat eachother. You know like I'll pretend to eat her tummy and make her laugh. She actually is hilarious, she does it to me (not hard), then licks her lips and says "tastes like chicken". It's so funny, wish I got to spend all day with her! So should I be looking for therapy for her or what should I be doing? It sounds like your girl isn't used to interacting with other children, It's not that she's selfish, she just doesn't know how to get along with other's her age. She needs to be reminded on a daily basis of the basic rules etc, such as always going to an adult instead of biting and hiting other kids in defense. I'm sorry that she was kicked out of the centre so quickly for such a normal incident such as the few confrontations with other kids that you ahve spoken of. It happens, especially with 2 year olds! You'll be much better off once you find another centre that isn't so intolerant with minor mishaps. As for the clinginess, I think she might feel lack of attention. I'm not saying that you are neglecting her, please don't get me wrong. I'm saying that it comes from being in a single parent family. My girls were like that as well, when they were younger. They sought out attention from other males and clung to them. Whether it was a friend, one of their uncles, grandpas, etc. It was always the male out of the group that she sought out and clung to. I wish that I could offer you a solution for that, but unfortunatley I can't. It ended when I met my bf, and he became their step father, they recieved the male attention that they craved from him, and the overbearing clinginess with any other males stopped afterwards. Hope this helps.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I thought this was normal 2year old behavior as well. But apparently the day care could not handle it. I agree that there should be swift correction of the problem but I don't think that was happening. And I don't think me talking to her about it 6 hours or so after it happened does any good. By then she doesn't even know what I'm talking about. She doesn't really wander off on her own but she isn't wrapped around my leg all the time. She use to be that way for a few months after her mom left. She is attatched to a few specific people and they are all woman. Ironically all young woman right around her mothers age (besides the daycare lady). One is my girl friend, I must say I kind of enjoy seeing her bond with some one. I hope this is helping her and not hurting her in some way. I really like my girl friend and have been dating her for 7 months. Don't worry the two were introduced very slowly over that time. Kylar was jelous of her for a bit but not really any more. Now she asks where my girl friend is and what she is doing. When Kylar plays she pretend she is brushing my girlfriends hair. I really hope this is just a phase and pass but in the mean time I guess I just switch day cares, give as much structure as I can and make sure she gets the attention she needs. I don't want to give too much attention because I want her to be as independant as possible for a 2 y/o.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 2 and 3 are difficult ages. Your daughter may be confused and frustrated or she could have been the daycare's scapegoat for an upset parent. The 2 year olds shouldn't be with the 6 year olds. If the daycare is understaffed, has lazy employees and/or not enough organized activities for the kids there will be lots of problems with kids of this age there biting and hitting each other. Find a better daycare and don't play games with her that involve fake biting or hitting. Was your ex your daughter's primary caretaker before she left? Your going to have to do the job of two people, so learning everything you can to become the best parent possible is important. Go to the library or bookstore and get books to read pertaining to single parenting, 2 and 3 year old behavior and finding a good daycare. There are books that cover all these topics but get 2 or more books by different authors and use common sense about the different approaches to parenting. I think counseling would help you and that would help your daughter. You have both suffered a loss and a good counselor will be able to help. Emotional support from your family and friends will help as well. Take Care
Mustang Sally Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 You have gotten some good advice, above. My opinion: find a place (childcare-wise) that can and will impose reasonable and consistent limits with her that you also will do at home. Consistency is KEY. What you describe is not at all developmentally inappropriate for her age, especially if she is allowed to get away with things. Many people fail to realize that kids become adept at manipulating their environment from the minute they hit air. They do not necessarily do it maliciously, but they do manipulate all the same. It is the way of interacting with others and normal. That is why they need limits and to have consistent guidance on what is appropriate/acceptable and reasonable consequences for misbehaviour with good rewards for good behaviour. Good luck.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Since she is in daycare while you are working, she needs all of your attention, the rest of the time. You have 3 weekends a month to do what you want. 2 year olds are not independent. They are up and running, talking babies and they need lots of attention. The more time you spend with her the better her behavior will be and the easier she will adjust to her Mother's absence.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Kylar isn't at a center, it's more of a home daycare. My ex and I are not too fond of the centers. At least not in this area, something about and underpaid college kid watching my kid doesn't sound as appealing as an older woman who has kids of her own. That is why there is a big difference in ages. There was plenty for Kylar to do at the daycare. I always had drawing and pictures as well as photo's of the kids going on walks. They did a ton of stuff. The real issue for her getting kicked out is a really young child is coming in to the daycare and the lady is scared Kylar is going to hurt her. Which I know for a fact it wouldn't happen. Kylar is very loving and nurturing to all things smaller than she is. I really think Kylar demands attention and the day care lady will not be able to give it to her when a new born comes into the picture. Was your ex your daughter's primary caretaker before she left? Not really, only when Kylar was really little. Once she hit 9-10 months it was pretty much all me. I did most of the changing, all the meal preperation and getting ready for bed stuff. Since the biting incident I stopped all the fake biting. She still does it but I explain to her that biting is wrong. I think Kylar has suffered a loss but I don't believe I have. Honestly it was the hardest thing I ever went through was the ex leaving but it worked wonders for my health (lost 100lbs!) and my relationship with my daughter.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 If Kylar is completely potty trained and off the bottle, I think she will get better care at a daycare. They are monitored more and have to meet more state requirements. The best daycare I found was the YMCA. If you have one or a similiar program in your area, check it out and get her on the waiting list. Home daycare is a shot in the dark. It is difficult to find one that actually has activities for the kids. The babysitter usually sits the older kids in front of a TV when the kids aren't napping or eating.
Lostgurl Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I myself, like the centres, because they are structured with activities and crafts. They are public, and licensed. It just feels more safe to me, than leaving my child in someones private home. Where there could be potential dangers that are not visible at first or second glance. I had a scare with a private daycare when my girl was 18 monthes, so i'm kinda turned off to them now. But that's just MO, and I'm sure that you've took all precautions and checked everything out first with the private daycare. You sound like such a good father. Just remember that consistancy is the key. Yes, she is only 2, but she's still learning and remembering things that you say. If you go over the rules with her every morning before dropping her off they'll eventually sink into her cute little head.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Since she is in daycare while you are working, she needs all of your attention, the rest of the time. You have 3 weekends a month to do what you want. It's dam hard to give her all of my attention. I get out of work at 5 and pick her up. Then we drive an hour home. Yes I live that far away. The daycare was right next door to her mothers job. It's now 6 by the time I get home and time for dinner. So we are eating at 6:30-7:00. Just in time to play with our blocks or out on the swing for half an hour till bath time. After bath time we wind down on the couch for about 15 minutes until it's time for bed. I include her in the dinner making and cleaning up but she usually loses interest and goes and plays with her toys or on the deck or puts a DVD on (yes she can work the tv and DVD). I wish I had more time during the week with her. Sometimes I keep her up late just to spend time with her. That doesn't really work because she is just exhausted come 8:30-9:00 and doesn't want to do anything. It's nice just laying on the couch with her though. I will look into the centers again. It is my decision alone where she goes now since I have custody. I only want what best for my little angel! Money is an issue though. I know it shouldn't be but I can't make ends meet now and some of the centers by my job are almost $2k a month. That's more than my mortgage (which I can't afford). I was paying $150 a week where she was and need to find something for that exact price. She isn't potty trained yet but we are getting there. She likes to sit on the potty and wipe her coolie and flush the toilet. She always wants to go to the potty right after she just went in her diaper. We are so close just gotta get the timing down! If you go over the rules with her every morning before dropping her off they'll eventually sink into her cute little head. Yes we have the talk every morning about being a good girl. I tell her to play with the other kids and share. I've also told her no biting or hitting and to listen to the daycare lady. I'm afraid that me telling her what not to do is actually putting the thought in her head though?
Mustang Sally Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Yes we have the talk every morning about being a good girl. I tell her to play with the other kids and share. I've also told her no biting or hitting and to listen to the daycare lady. I'm afraid that me telling her what not to do is actually putting the thought in her head though? Don't beat yourself up too much. It's tough to be a single parent. I'm sure you are doing your best, and likely, she will turn out just fine. Some kids are just biters. I had one (out of four) who was. I tried and tried to figure it out, but she was given a time out each time she misbehaved (at daycare) and at home we reinforced that "biting is just for food, not people" and eventually she stopped. She was two when she started and quit it by the time she was three. It was very stressful to me as a parent, but hey - parenting is stressful! I learned not to try to apply adult psychology to toddler behaviour too much. It is futile. Just my opinion. YMMV. Again, good luck. Likely, she will not be a 16 year old juvenile delinquent, biting everyone in sight, if you set firm, enforceable limits, and keep showing you love her like it sounds that you are.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 A community based daycare center like the YMCA is usually very affordable. Even though she isn't completely potty trained yet, she may be by the time they have a place for her. Does your ex pay you child support and a percentage of work related daycare? You have the opportunity now to find closer daycare and that will give you more time with Kylar. You sound like a good parent and it will all get much easier as Kylar gets older.
Author robkris8079 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I get plenty of support from her mother. She actually gives me an extra $50 a week that she doesn't have to. I will see about the YMCA. They have a new one opening up not too far from my house soon. I have a friend who is looking into it for me. Thanks for all the help! I love this site, I first came on this site to help deal with a cheating wife, then to deal with divorce, after that I sought help about dating, and of course questions about parenting! I love this place!
Author robkris8079 Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 UPDATE: The ymca is out of my price range and they are cheaper than all the other centers around. I guess she is going to another home daycare. She will be with her friend since birth so I hope that is a good thing. Only other option I have is to sell the house and rent a little place. I would really hate giving up my house. I have huge yard and live in a really nice neighborhood. This is going to be my last resort if things don't work out in the new daycare. Wish me luck, she is going to start on 8/27/07!
Lostgurl Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 UPDATE: The ymca is out of my price range and they are cheaper than all the other centers around. I guess she is going to another home daycare. She will be with her friend since birth so I hope that is a good thing. Only other option I have is to sell the house and rent a little place. I would really hate giving up my house. I have huge yard and live in a really nice neighborhood. This is going to be my last resort if things don't work out in the new daycare. Wish me luck, she is going to start on 8/27/07! Goodluck Rob! Wow, I really hope that this works out for you and your daughter. Her being with a friend is a really good sign. That familiarity is good for her and i'm sure that things will work a little better. I think that the other daycare owner was just stressed out and she took the easy way out instead of trying to make things work with your daughter, after she is only two and, her behavior wasn't unusual. Let us know how things go for you.
nittygritty Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 That sounds like a good place Rob. Kylar will have a friend there and the friend's parent trusts the care they provide, that should give you peace of mind. Good Luck!
Author robkris8079 Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Thanks. I'm going to meet with her this week and do all the paperwork. Then I'm on vacation and Kylar will be staying with her mom for a week:(. The following monday she will start the new daycare. I'm scared and excited for her. I think she is going to be fine. Myself and everyone that is around her has been helping out with her behavior. No one play fights or bites around her anymore. Also she is getting a ton of attention and affection not only from me but from her uncle (who lives with us), my girlfriend and everyone else around! My girlfriend needs to pay special attention to what she does around Kylar. Kylar imitates her to no end! Things seem to be going really well!
Author robkris8079 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 UDATE: Kylar started the new daycare! Things are going unbelievably well. She didn't even cry the first day or anything. We got there and I told her I was going to put her down, and told her to look around and play with some of the toys. She said OK and went off and just started playing. Her friend got there and they all ate breakfast. I left and she gave me a kiss and said "daddy goin to work?". On day two she kept saying "going to Chetta's house?" I told her yes. Conchetta is the name of the new daycare lady. We got there and she walked over to her and put her arms out for the daycare lady to pick her up. Then she said "daddy goin to work"! So I guess everythings seems great for now! Conchetta is amazed at how well behaved and smart my Kylar is. The only issue I have is the daycare hours. I'm suppose to drop off Kylar at 7:30 and pick her up for 5:00. That's impossible since I'm suppose to work 8-5 and I work 40 minutes away from the daycare! So I drop her off at 7:15 in the morning and pick her up at 5:15 or so. I have to leave work by 4:30 to do this. I hope this doesn't cause a problem with my boss! We'll see how it goes! Single parenting is one tough job!
Jinnah Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I understand everyone's concern about home daycare, but I must say, not all of them are bad. I used to run a home daycare and I didn't sit around and watch t.v. The kids had a schedule that was full of circle time/story time/Bible story time, workbooks, songs, free play and outdoor play, meal/snack time, and other different activities catered to their ages. I kept "potty" that listed the time of the event and what type of "potty" the child did and also meal charts that stated the time and what (and how much) they ate. These charts were sent home daily with the child along with others that told the parent what the child did that day and when, and how they felt and any other pertinent information. One parent even told me I was doing WAY more than they expected. I'm not trying to "toot my own horn", I'm just letting you know that there are both horrible and great daycares out there. I worked at a regular preschool where some of the caregivers ignored a newborn as much as possible because they wanted to play with their "favorite." Seriously. I then had to give that baby extra attention. Anyway, it's been awhile since your last update... how is everything going now?
Kenyth Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 Have her enrolled in a well established, "school" style, daycare center. I know it can be expensive, but believe me, the more you spend on good daycare, the better she will be. You are the primary caregiver, and you recently seperated. You will need some help, so buy some well accepted mainstream books on child rearing. Love and play isn't enough for a well rouded development. You will have to work with her at home on manners, and other educational activities.
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