Ormolu611 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Okay, so I went out drinking last night after a friend stood me up. I was in a weird mood from the beginning of the night. I had five beers and walked home feeling really quite frustrated. I sat down at the computer in a slightly drunken state and something possessed me to take a look at my ex's myspace page. Nooooooooo! Now, this is something that I have avoided for months because I actually know better. Truthfully, I saw nothing there that hurt me at all, but damn it I did not stop there. It is as if I felt emboldened by looking at her page and not feeling anything in particular. I feel really, really bad about this, so much so that I hate to admit it. I actually figured out her email password in the span of like 2 minutes without trying very hard at all. Now before I go any further, I woke up this morning feeling horrible about doing this and swore, swore, swore to myself that I would never do it again. I have been in no contact with my ex for over 5 months, and I have definitely gotten better and been making progress. Her emails suggest that she is really trying to reach out to friends (in some cases, even mine) and there is no indication that she is dating anyone. The strange thing is that she has been in email contact with an ex from about 15 - 13 years ago and has been expressing to him that she apparently has feelings for him. He responded that he always has had feelings for her and that he is unfortunately in a relationship now that he is comitted to. My ex responded that she was unaware of this fact. I remember 10 years ago when we were just starting to date, she kissed me without warning at this club that we were at. Later, she told me it was to make this same guy jealous, as she had seen him at the club. I had recoiled at this because I did not like the feeling of being used this way and asked her if his is how she operates and if this was how she was going to be treating me one day? The thing is that this guy lives like 1400 miles away in another state, and they have not seen each other in over a decade. I mean, they were teenagers when they last dated! How can she have feelings for someone that she does not really even know anymore? I mean hell, she did not know that he was in a relationship . . . yet she has feelings for him and loves him? This seems absurd to me. The fact that she did this suggests to me that she is lonely and grasping for straws. Either way, she seems intent over 5 months later on sicking with her decision to leave me. This is precisey what messes with me the most - was I that horrible of a partner? Serves me right for snooping. Still, I am not horribly affected by this, but just dissapointed that I essentially broke my great no contact streak for someone who I feel so very distant from now. I feel like I never knew her. It is interesting, they say that as time passes, you often only remember the good aspects of a past relationship. Well, I am starting to remember only the bad and I am realizing how much of it there was. After this last experience, I feel that the woman that I thought I loved never existed at all . . . and I feel dumbfounded as to how I could have spent so much time with her. I am on the cusp of letting her go I think . . . . finally.
Ssheena Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Let's try and look at the positives here. Did you email her? Did you post some comment on her myspace page? If no, good for you. Is there any way she can find out what you did? Nope I'm right where you are right now, believe me (i'm going to start my own thread just to get it out). It takes a long long time to really let go of someone who you loved. I wonder about x-boyfriends too but that doesn't mean I want to get back together with them. Just be easy on yourself. It was a big couple of steps backwards for you but you'll be back to where you were in no time. It could have been a lot worse and many of us on here have done much, much, much worse. It just wasn't meant to be.
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