legsa Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Gosh, since my H and I separated (found out about 3 affairs and 4 other probable/possibles), people are coming out of the wordwork with advice. Some say have a bootie call and get it over with (mostly my sisters). Some say pray. Some say I should wait until he's been in counseling for 6 months and then we can start to work on us. Some say get right back on the horse. Lord. How do you sort through it all? I really don't see how we will ever get back together. I don't trust him. I won't ever trust him again. So what do I do? Is it one of those things you just KNOW when it's time? I feel like I've wasted so much time already. There are just so many "what ifs". I know, you probably don't have the answers but I could use your insight.
directx Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Why don't you try isolating yourself in a room and just think about everything. You may even have to take a little vacation by yourself. I would do some serious soul searching.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 How long since you found out? I would say it takes months, 2 or more, to get your head on straight enough to decide what you want to do. In the mean time, do some reading on affairs. Not here necissarily, but get some books, there are also some good sites online. Learning about the differently TYPES of affairs might help you to make some decisions. Get yourself counseling if you are so inclined. Praying won't hurt. Booty call wouldn't be my advice, I never wanted to become someone I'm not through all of this, but whatever floats your boat. Don't think it'll help unless its a self esteem thing for you. Time to go through all of the crazy emotions, distance if you can so as not to cause bodily harm, self-introspection as to what it is that you really want and how much you are willing to sacrifice. Much of this depends on your personality. I do nothing with out thinking it through from here to Sunday and back again. I have friends and family though that act imediately in any situation. If you don't believe you will ever trust him, then you don't have much of a choice unless you choose to live like that. Time though to level out your emotions to me though is the most important advice I can give you. What seems like the end of the world one day, will just seem really sucky with time. I'm very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Good Luck to you.
justice Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I know the feeling of not being able to ever trust that person again. Part of you wants too, while the other part remembers only the pain of betrayal and it won't let you trust him again, no matter what he does. You will go through looking at every little thing he does and reading into it things that you don't always want to see. And I'm talking about little things, like him getting new clothes, or using a different cologne, or taking extra care with his appearance. It will break you eventually, this unconcious need to watch. I wasn't able to ever trust again and picked up on even my ex h's little white lies and where I would have let those go before his A, I couldn't let them go after I found out about it. It sucks. But, I took some time for myself, spent a little while improving me, like visits to the salon, quiet moments by the lake or just anything you might consider a guilty pleasure. It's selfish but it does seem to help a little bit. I finally decided that my ex h couldn't be trusted ever again and I just wasn't going to live that way, so I moved out and moved on and though I'm far from being happy about everything that happened, I am better out of the situation. I no longer watch and that has taken alot of pressure off of me. You can listen to your friends and family, but ultimately, you are the one making the decision and it's best that you make up your own mind. Good luck and stay strong.
riobikini Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 re: Legsa: "I really don't see how we will ever get back together. I don't trust him. I won't ever trust him again. So what do I do? Is it one of those things you just KNOW when it's time? I feel like I've wasted so much time already. There are just so many "what ifs". " I think you've already answered your own question. If you can't trust a man, can you still love him and be truly happy with him? -Rio
LakesideDream Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 You didn't mention in your post if children were involved. That's an important consideration. Without kids in the equasion.. I say move on with your life. Nobody needs to accept the situation your husband has created.
lostboy60645 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Just a perspective from the loathsome other side. I cheated on my wife. "Only" with prostitutes and compulsive internet porn/masturbation, strip clubs, adult bookstores. Anyhow, that's not my point. She is doing well right now. She has full custody of the 2 and a half year old twins and she put a restraining order on me. I understand this is because she found out I'd looked at 'objectionable content' (illegal; it's complicated and I'm getting heavy duty therapy for it; see my autobiography http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com), and I'd said something stupid ("If you can't trust me in general, can you trust me to live with you and the kids?"--I was kicked out by police order after that, although I never touched her or the kids). She is exercising, eating better, bought new clothes, is in therapy (yes, I'm paying for both the individual therapy, the group therapy, and for 2/3 of the living expenses), and is spending time with her family and friends--something she didn't do while she was doting on the kids and holding our household together...while her husband was out with streetwalkers and then potentially exposing her and the breastfeeding twins to STD's. About a year after I started therapy and disclosed to her (I actually did that on my own--I was not 'caught'), she decided she could never trust me again and she's made a strict parenting plan and has a good lawyer who's secured all the rightful terms that she and the boys deserve. ...and, I'm staying 'sober' from acting out with compulsive sex, I've stopped drinking alcohol, and stopped eating compulsively. ...and, we're actually getting along better than we have in years. Your husband, myself, and no other cheating spouse will ever know the depths of the pain we've caused. But I can tell you, my STBXW, to her credit, made the most brave and selfless decision, I believe. True, she gets the benefits of getting out of a terrible relationship and finding a better mate, but it's really the only way that my boys would have the best chance at a positive environment growing up, both with their mother fixing herself from the hurt and myself repairing my damaged character and learning how to be real with myself, with my boys, my family, and my friends. I don't think there's much worse pain than what you're going through. It's right up there with losing a beloved person by death, or G-d forbid, having a child with a devastating or fatal situation. All the best to you and don't forget--get safety, take care of yourself, take time, and for G-d's sake, take care of yourself. Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
4whatItsWorth Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Without kids in the equasion.. I say move on with your life. Nobody needs to accept the situation your husband has created. I don't think anybody who has been cheated on should stay in a relationship "because of the kids". It's not fair on the parent, and for kids to see their mom/dad suffer - it ain't no happiness. I think you should leave. You deserve so much better (and does your kids, if you have any.)
Author legsa Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 We never had children. We were too busy traveling and having fun. time just slipped by I guess. Not that I ever wanted children. The first few weeks after D-day, I curled into myself. The depth and the breadth of the devastation was just too much to think of. I felt like he didn't just destroy my future, but he destroyed my past too. THAT's the part that I have the most trouble with. Knowing that he's been having affairs for years, setting up e-affairs with "friends" through e-mail, saying things about our marriage that were highly less than positive but then coming home and playing the happy husband. He said he was happy. He said he doesn't know why he did it. He e-mails me that he misses everything about me. And because I love him, I actually feel bad for him. But, I keep referring to the addage "If you can't be happy with what you have, you will never be happy with what you get". And that I don't trust him. Not at all. Can I live the rest of my life wondering who he's with when he's not here? Nope. Not fair to him but most of all, not fair to me. I don't want to live with someone if I feel the need to check his phone and his e-mail. Where I'll wonder if every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. But it's destroying me to come to these conclusions. It's such a loss to grieve this whole situation. I asked him to leave the day he finally told me about "an" affair. Of course, it wasn't "the" affair I was trying to get him to talk to me about. That confession didn't come until later. So I'm here in the house and he is not. Thank you for all your insight. It's good to hear sides of stories that my clouded mind may not see.
Wibble Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 It will just take a lot of time. And I MEAN A LOT! I have been wrestling with these demons for 2 years now, and STILL have very dark days. In terms of "time lines", I think it is a very personal thing. For me it was 4 months before I could even accept the reality of the situation, and another year after that before I began to see a future for us as a couple. During that period it was only our 3 children that stopped me from cutting and running. In that time I realised that all the advice in the world, be it from friends, work colleagues or counsellors, is as nothing compared to the little voice in your head saying "Hang on, hang on, don't give up." Of course, just like in the movies, there is another voice saying "Go, go" but you can tell which one to listen to. It is the one telling you to do something that you find incredibly hard to do. In my case sticking at a 20 year marriage that I discovered had been betrayed in year 3 and again, with the same person, in year 17. Yes it's tough. Yes, you want to hurt them as much as they have hurt you, but finally you have to listen to your own, small voice. Time is a great healer, but it is too soon even for me to be able to say it mends things absolutely.
outofdarkness Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Gosh, since my H and I separated (found out about 3 affairs and 4 other probable/possibles), people are coming out of the wordwork with advice. Some say have a bootie call and get it over with (mostly my sisters). Some say pray. Some say I should wait until he's been in counseling for 6 months and then we can start to work on us. Some say get right back on the horse. Lord. How do you sort through it all? I really don't see how we will ever get back together. I don't trust him. I won't ever trust him again. So what do I do? Is it one of those things you just KNOW when it's time? I feel like I've wasted so much time already. There are just so many "what ifs". I know, you probably don't have the answers but I could use your insight. Fly under the radar so to speak for while...Find a couple, just a COUPLE of friends that you can talk to about it and that you feel that you can trust 100 percent..Stay as quiet as you can, as any info that you give out can be used against you should things come to that point..Confide in your minister or counseler if you don't feel comfortable confiding in any friends... Just is just MY op...It has worked well for me, but you DO run the risk of isolating yourself, especially if you have a history of this..Good luck...I know the pain that you are feeling..I'll be praying for you..Keep coming to LS..It's a great source of advice and support! ood
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