uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I don't know if there's a category on LS for this so I'll put it here..... What do you do if you have no support system and that, along with the end of a relationship, is bringing you down further and further. I think it's not so bad for people who have friends who take them out to get their mind off of things....even introduce them to people. Or who have friends and family to talk to about things. But what about people who don't? At least in the past, when a situation like this would occur, I'd be getting emails because I was on the personals. But now that I'm not, there's no emails.....none. Maybe an occasional one. No calls and no emails. It's really hard to have much confidence when it's this way. This is when I start believing "him" when he said it was all my fault. I know plenty of people have told me what a jerk he was, but it's times like this that I start to believe him. It's not like I have people rallying around me ---which might lead me to believe that maybe it WAS him and not me. Is there anyone else out there that really has nobody? I do have one relative there for me, but that's it. The others don't care....don't want to be bothered. And the one that I DO have is way older than me and really can't relate that much....so it sort of makes it a little difficult to discuss things. I don't want to be a downer here....just wondered if there are others like this here.
tinke Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 the strength has to come from within you. even when there is a support system in place, people tend to bow out long before the pain subsides. it is a healing process that i believe we all internalize..searching for answers. as time moves on, often, we stand alone in our grief, but we also gain strength from the experience. take this time to reflect on all your great qualities, your uniqueness. please trust that it will get better, you will find clarity, or at least indifference. when you are ready to go out and mingle with people, why not seek them out? invite them rather than wait to be invited. your older friend may be able to share their wisdom, it is always nice to say and share your story. sometimes just saying things out loud brings a different meaning to them, you will hear your own words and may bring a different view to light. take care of yourself
confused2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Unique, How old are you? I can relate when you say noone wants to hear about it- hence why I signed up for LS.
kittensmittens Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Unique, I'm right there w/ you. That's why I'm on here. This is breakup #4 for me (same guy every time) and pretty much everyone is sick to death of this saga. I pretty much have my mom right now and that's it. I've let so many people drift out of my life over the past 4 years and did nothing to replace them, so what's left of my social network is currently inaccessible (vacationing out of the country...yeah, ALL of them) and disinterested in hearing the same things they heard the last 3 times anyway. I don't have anyone to take me out really and distract me/remind me that life is ok without him. I haven't really been motivated to get out and do things myself. I have had a couple of guy friends appear with the intention of getting into my pants now that I'm "unattached".....but that's the kind of attention I just don't need right now. So the lonliness is that much worse for me. It's frustrating b/c when I do talk to my friends, they tell me "get over it, move on, etc." but it's different for them. They're more outgoing than me and they have friends surrounding them to catch them when they fall. My closest friend has never lived with a guy and I don't think she takes relationships as seriously as I do. I practically feel like I've just gone through a divorce. So even when I get a rare chance to talk to her, she can't totally relate. All of this is compounded by the fact that my ex has rallied all kinds of support and sympathy around him (out of nowhere, seemingly), and is out partying and living it up. He has plenty to keep him distracted. I....sit at home all the time. Bored and lonely. Thinking about him. I get emails, but they're usually of the penis enhancement variety. Otherwise, none really and no phone calls either. Sigh. It's rough.
SierraMarie Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Aww, I feel for y'all. It's true that people get sick of hearing about it. People just give up after a few weeks or so, even tho it takes a lot longer than that to get over a breakup. The only breakup I got over in a few weeks was one that lasted for like two months.
Chinook Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I'm in the same position. I have two girlfriends. One lives around an hour's drive away and the other lives 4 hours drive away. So yeah, it's not easy. It's also the reason I'm here because as you guys say, people get sick of hearing it. So what I'm doing is making sure I am doing things and trying to be busy even if I don't feel like it. Anything which is going to put me in contact with people is going to help me I think. This week's schedule looks like this... Monday night - go running. Emailed my two girlfriends. Tuesday night - join running club. Wednesday - go cycling and swimming. Catch up with friends again. Thursday - join a meditation/yoga class Friday - Running club. Saturday - See parents and go out for the day with them. Sunday - Running club (10am).
funkybassplayer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Can i say something, this place is a fab support system with people going through what you are. They wont ger fed up of hearing you b/c we know what its like. This site has helped me beyond belife, and the healing would have been a damm site harder if not for here.
kittensmittens Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Can i say something, this place is a fab support system with people going through what you are. They wont ger fed up of hearing you b/c we know what its like. This site has helped me beyond belife, and the healing would have been a damm site harder if not for here. I'll say. It really helps to know that you're not the only person on the planet who feels the way you do. Another thing I need to vent....I'm reeeeeallly not looking forward to the holidays. I know it's a ways off, but it's so depressing to think about how empty it will be. My birthday is right in there too. Last year, he bought me this really expensive gift and also made something for me and was sooooo excited about it--even more than me. And every x-mas I would always go all out, even the first one. He was just that special to me. I would put so much thought into his presents. It's just really sad to think what it's going to be like w/out him there--I can't even imagine it. We even have a stocking with his name embroidered on it. Sorry if I'm hijacking the thread with that. I just needed to get it out and I didn't want to start a whole new thread about it. And sorry if I brought anyone down further...
funkybassplayer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I'll say. It really helps to know that you're not the only person on the planet who feels the way you do. Another thing I need to vent....I'm reeeeeallly not looking forward to the holidays. I know it's a ways off, but it's so depressing to think about how empty it will be. My birthday is right in there too. Last year, he bought me this really expensive gift and also made something for me and was sooooo excited about it--even more than me. And every x-mas I would always go all out, even the first one. He was just that special to me. I would put so much thought into his presents. It's just really sad to think what it's going to be like w/out him there--I can't even imagine it. We even have a stocking with his name embroidered on it. Sorry if I'm hijacking the thread with that. I just needed to get it out and I didn't want to start a whole new thread about it. And sorry if I brought anyone down further... I know how you feel, my ex a school teacher and her 3 kids, we had so much planned over this 6 weeks, and i even bought us a huge family tent, which i gave to her, and all i can think of is them and her new guy in it having fun, while im sitting here missing them. As soon as i get up in the mornin i feel it, but i have a tea, (im not working so have the whole hols too, I m a bassist, just work weekends) and go and sit out in the garden, put my feet up think about the little kids, and try to feel happy for them all. What else can i do? Its the only thing i can do to take me to a calmer state of mind. I even send her my love and remember her smile, and the things we did last year. Its very hard, but i have to go out there and connect with nature to bring me back to a calm place in my mind. What else is there? Pace up n down and wind my self up? no point. I love them too much too do that.
Author uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Unique, How old are you? I can relate when you say noone wants to hear about it- hence why I signed up for LS. I'm old. LOL
Author uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Unique, I'm right there w/ you. That's why I'm on here. This is breakup #4 for me (same guy every time) and pretty much everyone is sick to death of this saga. I pretty much have my mom right now and that's it. I've let so many people drift out of my life over the past 4 years and did nothing to replace them, so what's left of my social network is currently inaccessible (vacationing out of the country...yeah, ALL of them) and disinterested in hearing the same things they heard the last 3 times anyway. I don't have anyone to take me out really and distract me/remind me that life is ok without him. I haven't really been motivated to get out and do things myself. I have had a couple of guy friends appear with the intention of getting into my pants now that I'm "unattached".....but that's the kind of attention I just don't need right now. So the lonliness is that much worse for me. It's frustrating b/c when I do talk to my friends, they tell me "get over it, move on, etc." but it's different for them. They're more outgoing than me and they have friends surrounding them to catch them when they fall. My closest friend has never lived with a guy and I don't think she takes relationships as seriously as I do. I practically feel like I've just gone through a divorce. So even when I get a rare chance to talk to her, she can't totally relate. All of this is compounded by the fact that my ex has rallied all kinds of support and sympathy around him (out of nowhere, seemingly), and is out partying and living it up. He has plenty to keep him distracted. I....sit at home all the time. Bored and lonely. Thinking about him. I get emails, but they're usually of the penis enhancement variety. Otherwise, none really and no phone calls either. Sigh. It's rough. Yeah, sounds like you're in the same boat. I do get out and do things by myself but I think it's just the thought of how no one cares that I exist that upsets me. Well, there's that one guy that was in love with me after two weeks and then when I told him I didn't feel that way , he said some really cruel things. Now he keeps trying to start things up again. I dont count him though. I guess I've just been thinking about how I just don't matter to anyone really and it's been getting me down. At least with this guy I was involved with (the one that I liked), he'd give me signs that I mattered. Yeah, maybe it was all part of his narcissistic manipulative charm, but at least it was a nice illusion anyway.
Author uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I'm in the same position. I have two girlfriends. One lives around an hour's drive away and the other lives 4 hours drive away. So yeah, it's not easy. It's also the reason I'm here because as you guys say, people get sick of hearing it. So what I'm doing is making sure I am doing things and trying to be busy even if I don't feel like it. Anything which is going to put me in contact with people is going to help me I think. This week's schedule looks like this... Monday night - go running. Emailed my two girlfriends. Tuesday night - join running club. Wednesday - go cycling and swimming. Catch up with friends again. Thursday - join a meditation/yoga class Friday - Running club. Saturday - See parents and go out for the day with them. Sunday - Running club (10am). When you join a running club, do you regularly run with them? Here, you join one but you have to find people to run with on your own. You mention your girlfriends Chinook. What I'm talking about here is people who don't have anyone.
Author uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I'll say. It really helps to know that you're not the only person on the planet who feels the way you do. Another thing I need to vent....I'm reeeeeallly not looking forward to the holidays. I know it's a ways off, but it's so depressing to think about how empty it will be. My birthday is right in there too. Last year, he bought me this really expensive gift and also made something for me and was sooooo excited about it--even more than me. And every x-mas I would always go all out, even the first one. He was just that special to me. I would put so much thought into his presents. It's just really sad to think what it's going to be like w/out him there--I can't even imagine it. We even have a stocking with his name embroidered on it. Sorry if I'm hijacking the thread with that. I just needed to get it out and I didn't want to start a whole new thread about it. And sorry if I brought anyone down further... Since you're reluctant to start a thread on it (I'm not sure why), I'll go ahead and make one. I have some comments on this topic but don't want to go into them here.
Author uniqueone Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 the strength has to come from within you. even when there is a support system in place, people tend to bow out long before the pain subsides. it is a healing process that i believe we all internalize..searching for answers. as time moves on, often, we stand alone in our grief, but we also gain strength from the experience. take this time to reflect on all your great qualities, your uniqueness. please trust that it will get better, you will find clarity, or at least indifference. when you are ready to go out and mingle with people, why not seek them out? invite them rather than wait to be invited. your older friend may be able to share their wisdom, it is always nice to say and share your story. sometimes just saying things out loud brings a different meaning to them, you will hear your own words and may bring a different view to light. take care of yourself I'm not sure you're understanding. It sounds like you're thinking I'm saying that I just don't have anyone there to discuss my breakup with. That's not what I mean. It goes a little beyond that.
Chinook Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 When you join a running club, do you regularly run with them? Here, you join one but you have to find people to run with on your own. In the UK most organised running clubs meet up twice a week for training sessions during the week (one regular session and one speed training session) and then a longer session on a Sunday morning to do a long slow run (usually for distance runners preparing for marathon training). Every club is affiliated to UK athletics which is the governing body of the sport in the UK. Basically the clubs make running sociable. Most clubs also have social events organised throughout the year. I have 3 clubs near me but one of them is dedicated to field athletics and I tried the other club and it wasn't that friendly. So I'm trying this one out to see if I like it any better. I may also give the local triathlon club a try-out too and see what they are like as I do a lot of cycling and swimming too.
Curious139 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I know how you feel, my ex a school teacher and her 3 kids, we had so much planned over this 6 weeks, and i even bought us a huge family tent, which i gave to her, and all i can think of is them and her new guy in it having fun, while im sitting here missing them. As soon as i get up in the mornin i feel it, but i have a tea, (im not working so have the whole hols too, I m a bassist, just work weekends) and go and sit out in the garden, put my feet up think about the little kids, and try to feel happy for them all. What else can i do? Its the only thing i can do to take me to a calmer state of mind. I even send her my love and remember her smile, and the things we did last year. Its very hard, but i have to go out there and connect with nature to bring me back to a calm place in my mind. What else is there? Pace up n down and wind my self up? no point. I love them too much too do that. I just want to say that you are a very decent man. I understand the pain you must be going through, yet you rise above it. Your love rings true and there is someone out there who really deserves you.
frd150 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 When you join a running club, do you regularly run with them? Here, you join one but you have to find people to run with on your own. You mention your girlfriends Chinook. What I'm talking about here is people who don't have anyone. Unique, At the begining I did not have anyone. My family lives far away, I had lost touch with my friends since I was always with her and her family and her families friends(very cool people:cool:). I was pretty much alone in my misery. I would come home and it felt like a prison. nothing to do but sit, think, ask why why why??? There was no one. Since then I have made it a point to re connect with all the people i lost touch with and even some new people. I try to involve myself in any legal activity I can. I joined a mtn. biking club and met some cool people. Heck if it wasnt for me missing her so much I would be 100%. Cant say i would trade it all to have her back though. In fact I would want her to be involved with it all. My hoizons have expanded beyond me and her. Maybe its what i needed,maybe its what we needed. I know your not sitting there all hopeless. Some may think that but I dont. I get your op cause ive been exactly there. Still am at times just like i told you the other day. We have this really cool bike club called so cal trailriders. Is there anything like that in your area? Maybe start one up yourself? Thats how this got going. New people help alot. They help us see beyond the world of our exs. Samsung ? Huh? never knew they made fridges. Great flat screens though.
frd150 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Oh yeah, The dirty old man. Tell him if he bothers you again he will have to deal with your buddy frd. Have a good one.
Author uniqueone Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Unique, At the begining I did not have anyone. My family lives far away, I had lost touch with my friends since I was always with her and her family and her families friends(very cool people:cool:). I was pretty much alone in my misery. I would come home and it felt like a prison. nothing to do but sit, think, ask why why why??? There was no one. Since then I have made it a point to re connect with all the people i lost touch with and even some new people. I try to involve myself in any legal activity I can. I joined a mtn. biking club and met some cool people. Heck if it wasnt for me missing her so much I would be 100%. Cant say i would trade it all to have her back though. In fact I would want her to be involved with it all. My hoizons have expanded beyond me and her. Maybe its what i needed,maybe its what we needed. I know your not sitting there all hopeless. Some may think that but I dont. I get your op cause ive been exactly there. Still am at times just like i told you the other day. We have this really cool bike club called so cal trailriders. Is there anything like that in your area? Maybe start one up yourself? Thats how this got going. New people help alot. They help us see beyond the world of our exs. Samsung ? Huh? never knew they made fridges. Great flat screens though. yeah...I should meet people.....not really sure a good way to do that. I never seem to fit in anywhere so I've gotten used to being alone. I've been hurt a lot by people.
Author uniqueone Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Oh yeah, The dirty old man. Tell him if he bothers you again he will have to deal with your buddy frd. Have a good one. LOL....I'll have to remember his phone number so I'll know not to answer when he calls next time.
kittensmittens Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 So, I talked to my friend today (ironically) who I mentioned in my post eariler, for the first time in forever. I told her I still miss him and it's not really getting better. She said "stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on". So, I only feel worse. This is getting to the point where I'm actually afraid to be around other people because I'm just going to bring them down or annoy them. I don't really have much else going on in my brain right now to offer anyone. So I know I'm just digging myself further into the hole. This isn't good.
Author uniqueone Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 So, I talked to my friend today (ironically) who I mentioned in my post eariler, for the first time in forever. I told her I still miss him and it's not really getting better. She said "stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on". So, I only feel worse. This is getting to the point where I'm actually afraid to be around other people because I'm just going to bring them down or annoy them. I don't really have much else going on in my brain right now to offer anyone. So I know I'm just digging myself further into the hole. This isn't good. Don't talk to other people about it. Post about it here or you can PM me (I actually can PM finally!) Trying to talk to other people will just end up making you feel worse because too many people just say "get over it". I never say that to people so I don't get those types of people but there are a lot of them. After trying to talk to them, you feel worse. You feel like there's something wrong with you for feeling the way that you do. You feel shame that you're not just getting on with life like they're saying you should be. You feel dismissed like your feelings aren't being taken seriously. You feel alone because it means that you have to hide how you really feel from them. So don't go to them anymore. It may seem tempting, but it's not in your best interest to.
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