MichelleLuvsMike Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Have you ever seen your husband fall into tears when he picks up your kids and hugs them? I don't think my husband is weird or anything like that but every time he takes the kids up in his arms he sobs terribly, we are not in debt, we work together as photographers, he has never cheated on me, or ever harmed the kids in any way so what's with this crying all the time?
amaysngrace Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 what's with this crying all the time? That's an excellent question! It sounds off to me but I'm not him so maybe you should ask him. Did you guys ever talk about it before?
JamesM Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 That is interesting and peculiar. And I am warranting that there IS a reason. Has he heard anything recently that seemed to upset him? That includes death of relatives, tragic news in the world, someone having a terminal illness, a child that was abducted or killed. Some people can be stressed and develop anxiety from such events. The other side is that he DOES have a secret that he is afraid will tear apart his family. This includes an affair (and yes, anything is possible), a fear that he has a terminal illness (which could be in his head or a doctor may have told him), questioning his sexuality, or simply that he feels as a failure for a father. If this suddenly began, then I feel that there is a reason. If he has been doing this ever since you have had kids, then he may simply be "that way" or it could still be a reflection of his past. Tell us more about your marriage and your children. Is there anything that may remotely be a reason? Is there anything that comes to mind as..."Ya know, there was this day when he...?" Have you discussed this with him? What was his response?
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 this is weird..but I would tend to agree with James. I think he does have a 'terrible secret'... it could be that he is having an affair and feels terribly guilty towards his kids... or he thinks he has a terrible disease...maybe he is hypocondriac and thinks he might die soon... Who knows... this is really weird... you need to have a serious talk with him... or if he doesn't want to tell you, maybe he should confide in a good friend or a counsellor.
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I agree with the comments above. You don't mention whether this is just a recent thing, or whether it has always been this way. How old are your kids? I would spontaneously cry at times when I held my kids in the first year or so after they were born, but I think that was just adjusting to both the joy and weight of being a parent... So is it a recent thing? If so, can you describe any other changes in your family situation (both immediate or extended) around the same time period? Notice any other subtle or overt behavioral changes? Bottom line: He is expressing deep, strong feelings. It sounds like he hasn't shared them with you yet, but I would think that needs to happen...
Author MichelleLuvsMike Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I finally asked my husband mike why he cries the way he does when hugging our two babies. At first I thought it was beautiful of him to express his emotions the way he did so I never put him down for doing this. He did not get mad at all when I confronted him on this about 40 minutes after I posted this to the shack. He took me into the garage while the two babies 1 & 2 y/o were sleeping and he pulled out an envelope from his personals with photos of what his father done to him. When I saw the abuse he had taken as a kid I put my arms around him and I started crying very hard also for nearly an hour I held him and could not let go.
Curmudgeon Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Then he wants to do better! That's beautiful. Cherish it! Also talk about it and if he hasn't ever received counseling about it, urge him to.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I agree with you Curm, but I just want to also throw out the possibility that he is feeling the urge to do what his father did. I seriously doubt that this is the case, however counceling and therapy cant hurt.
quankanne Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I think James got it in the first try – there was something traumatic in his life and he's comparing that experience to his experience now. And what you revealed about his abuse suggests that he's finding it very hard to reconcile the innocence of childhood scarred by abusive behavior by a parent who is supposed to protect his kids from hurt, you know? I don't think he's harboring thoughts of hurting his kids, but possibly is overwhelmed by his experience with his own dad and seeing the beauty and innocence of his babies. you haven't mentioned if he's had any counselling to work through his abuse, but you may want to gently introduce the topic to help him reconcile his past. There's also a group called Parents Anonymous who is really great about helping parents get the tools they need to raise their children effectively, that might be a good resource for you. Because he had such a crappy role model for a dad, he might welcome healthy and positive ones in developing as a daddy.
JamesM Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 It is good that you talked with him. His past is definitely a reason, and when he looks at his children he remembers what happened to him (which he does), and he is afraid that they may experience the same thing. Whether he has the fear that he may do the same to his children or if he is afraid that someone else may do something, it is hard to say. But even if he has the fear, this does not mean he will do it and follow through with it. However, as mentioned above, if he has never had counseling for his past abuse, then for his own sake and for the sake of your children (not because he may do something to them, but so that he may be a better father), he should probably face his past and attend some counseling sessions.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 He took me into the garage while the two babies 1 & 2 y/o were sleeping and he pulled out an envelope from his personals with photos of what his father done to him. Michelle, I understand your H's need to remember those experiences so that he could resolve to be the best parent possible. But... I don't think many people keep pictures of their abuse. That fact that he does (along with the tears) might indicate that he has never fully come to terms with what happened. I would echo the suggestion that he actively seek IC as he seems to be shouldering a terrible burden... Mr. Lucky
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Maybe they're not your kids and he feels guilty.
directx Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 See if he is open for some therapy. Not that there is anything wrong with him, but he may just need to express some feelings and it help him feel about his past.
amaysngrace Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I think that's terrible that he was put through that. I would say he definitely needs therapy if the memories bring back so much emotion. He needs to heal the past and he may not be able to do it alone.
Author MichelleLuvsMike Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Hi All you LoveShack Folks, We just got home from counseling 2 and a half hours, Now what I'm going to say may be a little graphic But since I posted this and you all answered I will continue. This crying of his all started when the kids were born, And I think he just loves them too darn much. After we discussed the abuse he took as a kid from his father he also mentioned that he was sexually abused when he was walking home from school at 11 years old these guys pulled him into a van and sodomized him 31 times till his rectum was bleeding, So his tears for our 2 babies is more of a Compassion towards them Not ever wanting to them ever go through what he did, When he said what happen to the therapist about being sexually abused I passed out in the office. So my husband mike really knows how to Resonate, Very compassionate and very tender hearted, Counseling was the Best thing that has ever been done in our relationship Thanks To Everyone Here At The Shack For That Suggestion, There was a reason why I had never put him down for his tears.
JamesM Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 This is an excellent start. As a husband of a woman who was sexually abused as a child for many years, I cannot reiterate the necessity of him continuing individual counseling for all that has happened to him. I am surprised that you just found out. This suggests to me that he has never dealt with his many feelings from his past. If he is to continue in life as a husband and a father, he must continue counseling until he can truly say that it no longer has such a hold on his life now. The statistics are clear...sexual abused children are affected as adults. And sad to say (which does NOT mean this is inevitable for your husband), many who are abused as children also abuse children when they themselves are adults. I understand what you must deal with as well. You will undoubtedly have many, many emotions that you must also deal with as his wife, as a mother, and as a person. You will have anger, sadness, disgust, and many other emotions. Please for the sake of your family, husband, and children....continue this path. From a guy who has dealt with something similar, counseling will make a difference.
Hazy Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Maybe they're not your kids and he feels guilty. Uhhh...did you read the thread? What a nice and understanding and compassionate person you are.
East of Jupiter Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Hi All you LoveShack Folks, We just got home from counseling 2 and a half hours, Now what I'm going to say may be a little graphic But since I posted this and you all answered I will continue. This crying of his all started when the kids were born, And I think he just loves them too darn much. After we discussed the abuse he took as a kid from his father he also mentioned that he was sexually abused when he was walking home from school at 11 years old these guys pulled him into a van and sodomized him 31 times till his rectum was bleeding, So his tears for our 2 babies is more of a Compassion towards them Not ever wanting to them ever go through what he did, When he said what happen to the therapist about being sexually abused I passed out in the office. So my husband mike really knows how to Resonate, Very compassionate and very tender hearted, Counseling was the Best thing that has ever been done in our relationship Thanks To Everyone Here At The Shack For That Suggestion, There was a reason why I had never put him down for his tears. Good luck with the counseling. I can relate to your husband and I had never heard of anyone else who did this. I thought it was a female, over emotional thing. I have never told anyone. As the kids have grown older, it has gotten better. When they were smaller, I was afraid to wake them. Just stared at them loving them so much and could not help but cry. I cried thinking (fearing) someone would ever hurt them and how I could not protect them forever. Don't all mothers feel and do this? I am a survivor of sexual molestation at a young age. Much of all which my mind has thankfully blocked. Is your husband feeling better? Does he still feel like crying with the kids?
Author MichelleLuvsMike Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Excellent News All You LoveShackers, My husband talked with me for 20 minutes when we got home yesterday from counseling and he really wants to get his hurt past out of the closet and I simply asked him if he wanted to continue going to therapy he said YES! And even admitted that he has carried these burdens for too long, Amazing all these problems found out in 1 day from posting this to the Shack, I just needed a Good Kick in the Butt to ask him for help . I'm still not able to figure out how my husband who was abused both Physically and Sexually as a child has somehow been able to reverse this abuse of his into gentle loving tears. Is your husband feeling better? Does he still feel like crying with the kids? yes he still does I think he really needs to drain his past. 1 day of counseling is not enough. A million thanks, Michelle
mookie Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Michelle, First this account belongs to my husband, I'm just using it while he zonked out. This is the first thread I've ever come across on the Shack that really evoked a lot of emotion, I was able to sense the love in your husband's heart for you and the kids, It's the people that can't cry that have a problem. As JamesM already said, For his sake and the family continue counseling as he promised to do and you'll find that he loves you more than you could ever imagine, And Yes I'm greatful that you never put him down for this. Be well always, Karla
Author MichelleLuvsMike Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 JamesM;1278541]This is an excellent start. As a husband of a woman who was sexually abused as a child for many years, I cannot reiterate the necessity of him continuing individual counseling for all that has happened to him. I am surprised that you just found out. This suggests to me that he has never dealt with his many feelings from his past. If he is to continue in life as a husband and a father, he must continue counseling until he can truly say that it no longer has such a hold on his life now. The statistics are clear...sexual abused children are affected as adults. And sad to say (which does NOT mean this is inevitable for your husband), many who are abused as children also abuse children when they themselves are adults. I understand what you must deal with as well. You will undoubtedly have many, many emotions that you must also deal with as his wife, as a mother, and as a person. You will have anger, sadness, disgust, and many other emotions. Please for the sake of your family, husband, and children....continue this path. From a guy who has dealt with something similar, counseling will make a difference. I'm still amazed we went the same day, All is going well these past 7 months
smartgirl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Have you ever seen your husband fall into tears when he picks up your kids and hugs them? I don't think my husband is weird or anything like that but every time he takes the kids up in his arms he sobs terribly, we are not in debt, we work together as photographers, he has never cheated on me, or ever harmed the kids in any way so what's with this crying all the time? I don't know what you know of your H's childhood, but is it possible he was abused? I know of a couple that were happy and fine until they had kids. When their child got to be a few years old, I guess the age when he first had memories of the abuse, it all started to flood back on him. He loved his son, but seeing him was so painful because it made him feel like his parents must have really hated him to treat him as they did. He got to where he couldn't be around the child or the wife and they ultimately divorced.
smartgirl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Ok, guess I should have read the whole thread before I posted. So he WAS abused. It sure did sound a lot like my friends situation. Her H wouldn't go for help. He felt he had done his time in 12-step hell in earlier years and wouldn't try. You should read all you can on living with someone who was abused. He might also benefit from the book "How Can I Forgive You" It is written by the author of After the Affair and attempts to help people in situations where they cannot get redress from a person who wronged them (whatever reason) and need to attempt forgiveness in order to move on.
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