JustBreathe Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 My H looks at women alot. Before his infidelity was revealed years ago, I had no problem with this. Even porn was okay. But since.... it bothers me SO much. I have told him. He has stopped for the most part because he doesn't want to hurt me. But I know men do this all the time and I cannot expect him to ignore a pretty young thing in a pair of jeans or a bathing beauty on the beach. Still when he does this now, it hurts. WHY do men do this? Why do they goggle women all the time? Why can't they just look once and leave it alone? Is a different pair of boobs that important? I mean no disrespect. Would appreciate some insight if you have time.
Lizzie60 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 My H looks at women alot. Before his infidelity was revealed years ago, I had no problem with this. Even porn was okay. But since.... it bothers me SO much. I have told him. He has stopped for the most part because he doesn't want to hurt me. But I know men do this all the time and I cannot expect him to ignore a pretty young thing in a pair of jeans or a bathing beauty on the beach. Still when he does this now, it hurts. WHY do men do this? Why do they goggle women all the time? Why can't they just look once and leave it alone? Is a different pair of boobs that important? I mean no disrespect. Would appreciate some insight if you have time. Because men are sexual creatures...they are visual creatures.. they love sex... and they love to admire nice sexy bodies... Nothing wrong with that.... Since the A, you cannot trust him fully...you're still very insecure... but just tell yourself that no matter how miserable you are, how insecure you are, men won't change.. just because women are insecure. Let him look...and maybe you could help him... and tell him when you see a hot chick... say: hey X..... look at this one.. isn't she hot? Why sweat this... you cannot control his mind... right? You took him back after he cheated... so you got to live with this 'insecurity' ... just let go... or you will be forever miserable with him.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ummm... I say when he starts ogling some girl just cup check him. It wont take too long to learn where to keep his attention. I cant tell you how many times Ive had to tell my friend, "Hey act like you've seen one before!" Seriously, when your with a girl, she should feel like the only woman in the world... or the only attractive one anyway.
guitarjunkie Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I am a guy and a very visual person. I've noticed that sometimes I can't help looking when i see an attractive girl. I think it's instinct. Sometimes I look just cause I think a girl is cute, or pretty or whatever. I'm not looking to replace my gf, cause I think she's the best thing ever, but I appreciate the beauty that some people are blessed with. Personally, I know I'll never even think twice about the girls I look at because I know that they may look good, but they might have horrible personalities. My gf, has a great personality and is very cute, so she's exactly what I want, but when I drive by a pool and girls are laying out in bikini's, I just can't help but look. I think it's just seeing the small differences and, for me, trying to get a grasp of what makes someone beautiful. I find different types of looks attractive and I'm always wondering why. And I think looking sometimes helps my curiosity. Again though I am very visual, I notice the drivers of cars as I am driving, so I recognize people everywhere, that's how my brain works and maybe other guys too. The fact that he had an affair, well that's going to make you question whether or not you can trust him. If it bothers you that much, maybe you should start looking for someone else. I also sometimes look and try to imagine my gf in the outfits I see other women in. Sometimes I point out a dress or a look that I think might look good on her, which I don't think is a bad thing at all.
amaysngrace Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I totally agree that it's because you don't trust him. And you have good reason not to. You've been burned before by him. When you feel secure in your relationship your insecurities diminish. But the truth is, like Lizzie said, he is only doing what men do. Or women for that matter. I look. I spend my summers on the beach. How can I not look? But I wouldn't be so ignorant to look the way that I do or talk to the guys like I do if my BF is with me. I think that's just rude. And if my BF were to do that to me he wouldn't be my BF for long. It's a respect thing. And I believe the trust and respect has been shattered for you with this man. Have you two done the couple's counseling thing?
LakesideDream Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 This one's been done to death. Search the archives about 3 months back there are over a hundred posts on the thread. To bad you don't trust your guy. If it's really important that he stop "looking" try gelding him. That MIGHT stop him from looking. BTW the word is oogle, no g. Google is a search engine.
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Actually, it's "ogle", starting with the long "O" sound, as in "over"... JustBreathe, you sound quite conflicted - on one hand you say "I know men do this all the time and I cannot expect him to ignore a pretty young thing in a pair of jeans or a bathing beauty on the beach," but you are still uncertain: "WHY do men do this? Why do they goggle women all the time? Why can't they just look once and leave it alone?" Is your issue that he looks at all, or that he is unapologetically obvious about it and doesn't realize that he could "tone it down" when you are around? Whenever I'm with any woman (including my wife when we were married) I make it a point "not to notice" in any obvious way - I think it's just good manners. Now that's not to say that I don't actually notice, but I think avoiding making it apparent is just a matter of class...
silktricks Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Whenever I'm with any woman (including my wife when we were married) I make it a point "not to notice" in any obvious way - I think it's just good manners. Now that's not to say that I don't actually notice, but I think avoiding making it apparent is just a matter of class... I have a conflict of sorts over this point. I do think that it's simply human instinct to look at someone attractive, whether man or woman, though I think men's more visual instinct is ... well ... more male. But if a man's going to look anyway, and he will, then I'd rather he just look. To look and "avoid making it apparent" to me is just sneaky. Which I don't like AT ALL!!! Nonetheless, I can't really argue about the classlessness of ogling woman b when you're with woman a. Therefore I'm in conflict.
AmorousDelight Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I was just confused... Yeah, we love a nice rack, just like women love the idea of owning us. And honey, you love the idea of owning him. It tickles you deeply. Admit it.
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I have a conflict of sorts over this point. I do think that it's simply human instinct to look at someone attractive, whether man or woman, though I think men's more visual instinct is ... well ... more male. But if a man's going to look anyway, and he will, then I'd rather he just look. To look and "avoid making it apparent" to me is just sneaky. Which I don't like AT ALL!!! Nonetheless, I can't really argue about the classlessness of ogling woman b when you're with woman a. Therefore I'm in conflict. I agree, it's a conflict. We are led to believe that we should be able to overcome our million years of instincts with a thousand years of socialization, and different ones of us have varying degrees of success. I didn't mean to make it sound so much like I'm perpetrating a sneaky fraud, it's just a matter of choosing to be sensitive to a woman's feelings over feeding your visual cortex for a few extra seconds. I never found it all that hard to do - when I'm with a woman, I focus on her, I don't answer my cell phone during a meal, I don't ogle other women, I control my behaviors and I don't use my instincts as an excuse. But yes, the impulse is still there, and when I'm with men or by myself, I look. (I don't leer, drool, or make comments, though...)
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Men aren't the only ones doing the looking. I look a fair bit at well-built and well-maintained men. But its just looking. If they were to try to talk to me, I'd have to let them know that I certainly enjoyed my look but that's all I can do. After discovery of an A, your feelings are very common. I knew that my H looked at women all the time, even when I was with him. I never felt disrespected by it because he wasn't a head turner (turning to get a better look) and it never went beyond a glance (or two if I turned my head - and sometimes I would just because I knew he found the woman attractive). After his EA, everytime he looked, I was HOT! And I told him so. It has since stopped. Mainly because he doesn't want to lose me. How many women you know that will purposely act like they don't see their man getting a good look at a very attractive woman and not be threatened by it? I am sure that he still looks. He's married, not blind. I'm not blind either. But once folks start asking for phone numbers and email addresses, I do feign being deaf.
bish Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 My H looks at women alot. Before his infidelity was revealed years ago, I had no problem with this. Even porn was okay. But since.... it bothers me SO much. I have told him. He has stopped for the most part because he doesn't want to hurt me. But I know men do this all the time and I cannot expect him to ignore a pretty young thing in a pair of jeans or a bathing beauty on the beach. Still when he does this now, it hurts. WHY do men do this? Why do they goggle women all the time? Why can't they just look once and leave it alone? Is a different pair of boobs that important? I mean no disrespect. Would appreciate some insight if you have time. I don't know. Honestly, and I know it is hard to believe, but when I am in love with someone, I may have someone pass my field of vision and think, "she's cute"...but when in love, there isn't a woman that will make me break my neck turning to look. Now that I am about to be single, sure, I look alot...but if I ever do find someone that makes my heart flutter(which honestly I'm going to try to stay away from...don't need that sh!it again), then the full turn looking will cease.
bish Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 My H looks at women alot. Before his infidelity was revealed years ago, I had no problem with this. Even porn was okay. But since.... it bothers me SO much. Well to me it looks like your cheating bastard of a husband hasn't changed. i've never cheated, so I can't really speak from experience, but i would think that if I did, that I wouldn't be gawking at other women for being grateful for the 2nd chance that I wouldn't have deserved that was given to me by my SO. Sounds like your husband needs a good smack upside the head. Or for you to divorce him. Clearly he is the same pr!ck that screwed you over.
JamesM Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Looking at women and admiring them is one thing. Going ga-ga, staring as if you are undressing a woman, or ogling (not oogling...defined as a "An amorous side glance or look.") them is quite something else and not appreciated by their women. Googling them means that either they want to know more about them, or they are looking for more pictures of them. This is not good when one is married. I do think that you may be overreacting because of his infidelity. But bish has a good point. If he wants to show that he can be trusted, I think that he should be aware of how his actions bother you...especially if he is with you.
child_of_isis Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I think there is a big difference in looking versus gawking. Gawkers freak me the **** out. It's embarrassing. I feel embarrassed for them.
Author JustBreathe Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I can see how you are correct when you say it is MY self-esteem issue that's the problem. I admit that. My husband doesn’t do this very often anymore because he understands that I’m hypersensitive now, and honestly wants to try to repair things with me. I only wanted to try to understand what the thought processes might be for men. WHY they can’t help it. For me, “boys will be boys,” glandular explanation and that they are visual creatures seems too simple. What their own personal experiences were. What it feels like for them. I know that men love their women but wonder whether down deep, this behavior inspires real lust, or whether most just admire a beautiful thing, like I do when I look at handsome, sexy men whether in person or in a magazine. The men who responded seem to run the gamut in their feelings and observations on this subject. I notice that in most cases, but not all, while we women most certainly appreciate a good looking man, MOST women don't do this when he has a woman by his side. Lots of men don't care if the husband is standing right next to her and stare away like the woman isn’t even there. Also, most women do not flirt openly when their man is present. Men will flirt with you or stare at you with their wife standing right next to them and a baby in the shopping cart. I notice lots of times their wives and girlfriends look away. I wonder at how many men can not notice the effect it has on their woman – are they doing it subconsciously and why, or do they subconsciously want to make their woman feel small or control her? Again, while these sound like generalizations, I don't believe they are. This comes from first-hand observation and my own encounters and experiences with men. Maybe my H is telling me the truth when he says that sometimes, like LakesideDream, he is thinking he would like to see me in the clothes the girl has on – her pretty dress, her tight jeans, whatever. This was a suprising comment as I never believed that one before and thought he was just trying to make me feel better. Maybe it isn’t even a conscious act. He has said these things. Obviously he does try to be more conscious about it. Maybe it’s true that it is socialization, that men are expected to act that way because I do notice that they are even worse when there are two or three of these kinds of men together. I do suffer from low self esteem. It’s in the toilet now, quite frankly. I know I'm hypersensitive to this now and hope it's only temporary. I thank the men on here who gave me some real insight. I appreciate your straightforwardness. I think my husband does suffer from MY lack of self-esteem and I try not to comment in the future when he does this and remind myself that I just feel ugly and unloved and that's my problem as he does all he can. Anyway, it is infrequent these days. I do NOT want to make him feel owned I only wondered why he can't help it. I hurt deeply, sure, but I’m not out to put him on a leash. If I were that way, I wouldn’t be trying to give him the benefit of a doubt and try to understand him better. P.S.: Goggle: To look with amazement; look stupidly. Ogle: look at with amorous intentions. (wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn). I found this on "Google." Thanks everyone!
Meranna Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I agree that I think it's just your JUSTIFIED insecurities. I'm female and have no desire in other females sexually but even I can't help but look at a pretty woman sometimes.........kind of in that "you go girl with you bad self !!" sense. I'm also guilty of checking out a nice looking guy........it's human nature and hormones. Your H understands it bothers you and the fact that he makes an attempt to stop himself from doing it speaks volumes about how much he cares about you. Give the poor guy some slack or like someone suggested, join in with him. For some reason men find that incredibly attractive.
OpenBook Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I know that men love their women but wonder whether down deep, this behavior inspires real lust, or whether most just admire a beautiful thing, like I do when I look at handsome, sexy men whether in person or in a magazine. P.S.: Goggle: To look with amazement; look stupidly. Ogle: look at with amorous intentions. I think it's the same feeling as we women get when we're goggling at the latest Manolo Blahnik's on display. We fantasize about wearing them, and occasionally we lose all common sense and go in and buy them, and they give us a temporary lift in spirits. But they'll never replace the real stuff in our lives - our families, our jobs, our hobbies. And we know that. But it doesn't keep us from looking or fantasizing.
outofdarkness Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Guys look at woman..period..He says that since D day, he makes a real effort to appreciate the "inner beauty and other qualities that women have..not just those "lusty" feelings, but it's hard...His exact words.Thought it might help..MY reply might be different, but he' sitting here w/ me right now...So..mabey more later..ood:laugh:
herenow Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Guys look at woman..period..He says that since D day, he makes a real effort to appreciate the "inner beauty and other qualities that women have..not just those "lusty" feelings, but it's hard...His exact words.Thought it might help..MY reply might be different, but he' sitting here w/ me right now...So..mabey more later..ood:laugh: Did he say it's hard for him to not have "lusty feelings"? He should take a look at you sitting beside him and know that you are all the lust he needs. If he is reading this he should know that you are a fabulous woman with so much to offer and he should thank heaven that you married him.
fisherfool Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 It is difficult for a man to not look at a woman. To expect him to not look is to kill a part of manhood. You may not end up happy with the result. Looks are nothing even lusty thoughts are nothing it is the dwelling upon thoughts that can becomes something. Some men forget the difference between reality and fantasy that is when problems can begin. I once saw a comic talking about the differences between men and women and he spoke of men and women in attendance at strip clubs. Women scream and shout and it is obvious playtime while men are quiet and appear as a lion about to leap upon his kill. Women should not want to take man too far from his hunter self as many odd things can happen inside his head. Do not confuse the important things with the unimportant. If the man has made errors in his past he must make the changes to correct those errors. If the correction comes from his wife towards all actions his soul can become corrupted.
2sunny Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 if i am walking down the street i totally expect men to check me out! that's normal. it's when they act upon it that it's not normal.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 My H looks at women alot. Before his infidelity was revealed years ago, I had no problem with this. Even porn was okay. But since.... it bothers me SO much. I have told him. He has stopped for the most part because he doesn't want to hurt me. But I know men do this all the time and I cannot expect him to ignore a pretty young thing in a pair of jeans or a bathing beauty on the beach. Still when he does this now, it hurts. WHY do men do this? Why do they goggle women all the time? Why can't they just look once and leave it alone? Is a different pair of boobs that important? I mean no disrespect. Would appreciate some insight if you have time. I think it may bother you more now a days because your H's infidelity issue has left you insecure...and damaged your confidence... I know it's a massive difference but when my first love cheated on me and i took him back...whenever he made comments about beautiful women or checked them out infront of me...i found myself thinking... - 'the cheek of it i take him back after he hurt me so much and he knows how much it's damaged me and he's making comments about women and staring at them infront of me' Didnt make me feel good about myself....made me think that he might do it again...didn't help me trust him....didn't help me heal. I think that might be the case here, im not sure.... I'm not sure why men do this, we should have left them on mars. Maybe try letting him know how it makes you feel?....i don't know...im not successful in relationships...i wouldn't take my advice...lol hope things work out
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I know it's a massive difference but when my first love cheated on me and i took him back...whenever he made comments about beautiful women or checked them out infront of me...i found myself thinking... - 'the cheek of it i take him back after he hurt me so much and he knows how much it's damaged me and he's making comments about women and staring at them infront of me' Didnt make me feel good about myself....made me think that he might do it again...didn't help me trust him....didn't help me heal. You re-affirm my belief that some men are just fools. If he doesnt value you, thats never going to be your fault.
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