My Break-up Story

[breitling]

I was recently dumped by my girlfriend of six years. This year she has caused me a great deal of pain. Instead of bottling it up someone suggested that I write about it. So, I present to you the true story of the worst event in my life... so far at least.

 

Like I said, we had been together six years and we definitely had our ups and downs. However, I can say that I was extremely happy during most of the relationship. I honestly saw myself marrying her although I never proposed. Why didn't I? The only reason I can think of is that our relationship was in a constant state of flux. We were always working on it. Always waiting for things to get better.

 

I did have a plan though. I wanted to move out of state and take her with me. I saved $40,000 and planned on buying a house for us and asking her to marry me. But first she needed to finish her degree.

 

The turning point in our relationship was when she underwent weight loss surgery about a year and a half ago. She had issues with her weight and nothing she did helped her lose it. For two years she went through all of the insurance hassles and doctor visits to get approved for WLS. When the big day came I was terrified. This was not a simple rubber-band procedure. The docs removed part of her intestine and cut her stomach in half. I was worried that something could go wrong. I was concerned about the long-term effects and possible complications. I was afraid she would lose a bunch of weight and leave me like people on the Dr. Phil show. However, when the day came I was there. I drove to San Diego and held her hand while she was laying in the hospital bed. I wasn't excited about the surgery, but she made her choice and I supported it.

 

Obviously, after the surgery she lost a ton of weight. It seemed like every day she was receiving more compliments and it was nice to see her so ecstatic. She was the same person she had always been, but much happier. She was finally able to buy the clothes she always wanted and not feel out of place when we went out.

 

The turn of events from this point on are based on both fact and pure speculation. Toward the end of the year my girlfriend was complaining about not losing weight as fast as before. She had a target goal and she wasn't hitting it fast enough. Basically, she hit a plateau. I told her not to worry as she had already lost much more weight than the average WLS patient.

 

Sometime early this year she started losing weight again. She started losing a lot of weight. One day she came over to my house kind of wired and in an unusually good mood. She explained that her friend from work gave her some Adderall and it was great. It was helping her to focus at work and she didn't need caffeine to get up in the morning. Until that day I had never even heard of Adderall.

 

My girlfriend continued to lose weight and I began to feel that she was alarmingly thin. I started to question the surgery, but I also wondered if this Adderall could have anything to do with it. One night she came over and told me that her doctor gave her a prescription for Adderall. He chastised her for self-medicating herself with her friends supply, but then wrote her a prescription anyway. She then explained that for years she had been falling asleep on the way home from my house at night, but she never wanted to tell me. She told me that she had been diagnosed with narcolepsy. She needed the Adderall. It could save her life.

 

Our friends began to comment on how thin she had become. She wasn't receiving endless compliments anymore. In fact it was quite the opposite. When she was heavy no one ever came up to her and commented on her appearance. But now that she was extremely thin, it was o.k. to tell her she was beginning to look unhealthy and anorexic. I am guilty of not paying her enough compliments throughout the years as well as voicing my opinion that she had lost too much weight.

 

At this point we started fighting frequently. She said she could never please anyone. She was either too fat or too skinny. Her attitude had completely changed. She wasn't as forgiving as she used to be. She was easily angered. She had become razor tongued. The sweetest person I had ever met was saying things to me that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. One benign comment could send her off into an hour long tirade. She didn't want to see me or talk on the phone as much. She didn't reply to emails. She said she would call and never did. When we did hang out she would make a point of showing up hours late. We stopped making love. She was distancing herself from me.

 

We were on the verge of breaking up. I wanted more of her and she wanted less of me. We had planned a trip to New York, but it seemed to me that it would never happen. However, we managed to work it out hoping that our trip to NYC would rekindle our love for each other. Maybe we could learn to like each other again. Unfortunately, that did not happen. Even while staying at the Ritz in downtown Manhattan we ended up getting into a full-blown shouting match.

 

I still didn't really know what Adderall was. Every day of our trip she was giving me some so I could keep up with her and take advantage of our short time in NYC instead of sleeping it away. I must admit, at first I really liked the Adderall. It was better than the best diet pill I had ever tried. I had energy, I felt euphoric, and I was never hungry. Between all of the walking and the lack of hunger caused by the Adderall I dropped about 8 pounds in New York. I actually came back from vacation thinner.

 

If I started feeling cranky she would remark that I was crashing and I just needed another pill. To combat the insomnia she would give me some Xanax at night. By the sixth day of taking the Adderall I started feeling some of the negative side-effects. I was moody and short-tempered. I went from feeling on top of the world one minute to thinking the world was going to end the next. On our last night in NYC while in our hotel room I did a Google search on Adderall and I was shocked. Adderall is a true amphetamine. I had been popping amphetamines for a week and at this point I felt pretty stupid. Thousands of hits returned with stories of side effects and tales of abuse. Many of them mirroring my own short experience with the drug and also explaining the changes in behavior with my girlfriend. Later that night we went to a club in Times Square. I took the opportunity to tell her about the information I had found on the drug and the negative side effects that I had been feeling. I asked her if it was possible that she was incorrectly diagnosed with ADD and narcolepsy. Upon hearing this she flipped out. Instead of fighting with her all night I took the subway back to our hotel.

 

Once we returned from New York our relationship quickly deteriorated even further. I had started biting my tongue on the Adderall issue and even asked my friends not to mention it to her. But the more I researched it, the more I thought it was the reason for her drastic personality change. She was not the same person anymore. She had become very cold and emotionally distant. Holding a civil conversation with her was a enormous struggle. Our friends did not fail to notice the changes either. Many people were saying that she was incoherent on the phone and hanging out with her was like walking through a minefield.

 

I had started hating myself because of all things she would say to me during our arguments. I started to second guess everything about my appearance, personality, and direction in life. I felt like a loser and my self-esteem was completely shot. What is wrong with me? Why doesn't she love me anymore? I started to become increasingly jealous. I wanted to know why her friends and job were more important than me. She starting hanging out with other men and for the first time the possibility of her wanting to be with someone else entered my mind. I found a list of eighteen red flags that your girlfriend is cheating on you and her behavior was a perfect fit for every item. I even confronted her with the list to explain my jealous behavior and she acknowledged that she does fit the list, but she is absolutely not looking for another man.

 

Our fights had escalated to the point that she decided we needed to take a break. She re-assured me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever, but we needed this break or we will hate each other. She explained to me that the last thing she is looking for is another man. She just needs to find herself in order to love herself. Then she will be able to love me again.

 

We take a break. We agree to try and be friends again and build from there. She tells me again that she is not looking for another man. I am the only one she loves. Since she is the one that needs the space I clarify that I will not call her, but I will talk to her when she calls me. This experience has taught me a hard lesson about taking a break in a relationship. I gave her complete control. The ball was in her court the entire time. I was waiting at home for her to come back to me while she was having fun with her friends. She would call once or twice a week and tell me about the great times she was having with her guy friends from work, or the amazing party she went to at some guy's house at two in the morning. She would call and promise to meet for dinner and I would never hear from her. The few times we did hang out ended in disaster. I was in hell. Were we still together? Is she dating someone else? All signs say yes, but she couldn't be. She wouldn't do this to me. I know her. She would break up with me before she started seeing someone. After all, she hates cheaters. Her mantra during our entire relationship had always been, if you are going to cheat on me break up with me first.

 

As the break progresses it is looking less like a break and more like a break-up. I can't sleep anymore. I'm not eating regularly. I am constantly looking at my phone waiting for her to call or text me. Is she coming back? If so, when? We can't be broken up, she loves me and I love her. I send her an email confessing all of the things I love about her and apologizing for all of the things I did or should have done. I poured my heart into an email which I had never done before. I was just looking for a sign that she still loved me, but I did not receive a reply.

 

The next day I sent her another email requesting that she pick up her stuff. By this time I had boxed all of her things up in my garage. It was too painful to see her shampoo bottles in the bathroom or her sweatpants lying on the floor. She ignores that email and I send her another one. Finally, she replies and eventually we end up talking on the phone. She tells me how hard everything has been for her. That she doesn't have many friends. Most nights she goes out by herself. She goes to the movies alone and she even eats dinner alone. She is angry that I think she is out partying everyday when in fact she is at home studying most of the time. She wants to come back to me, but she can't because she needs to find herself. She then tells me that she is moving to Miami in two months. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I tell her that she must do what she needs to do and I will not try to talk her out of it. We end the conversation somewhat amicably and agree to meet on Sunday afternoon so she can pick up her stuff from my house. Maybe we can meet for coffee soon.

 

A couple days roll by and on Saturday I wake up in a good mood. I had a fun night and I had a few good stories to tell. I felt like calling her and I did. Three times and no answer. A few minutes later she sends me a text message saying that she can't talk, but she can text. Are you getting your nails done? No, I am having lunch with a friend she says. There goes my weekend. All I can imagine is her having lunch with some guy and ignoring my calls. I don't sleep at all that night.

 

Sunday arrives and I text her in the morning to see if she is still coming over in the afternoon to pick up her boxes. She replies that she is at the fair so she won't be able to arrive until the evening. This is her new move, by constantly making everyone around her wait on her she is showing her dominance. I got myself completely worked up thinking about what I would say to her. I was going to ask her one last time if there was someone else and I expected an honest answer.

 

She arrives around 7pm in a good mood and looking completely happy. She can see that I am shaking because of what I may or may not find out. She asks me what's wrong and I beg her to look me in the eyes and tell me if there is someone else. She tells me that she has already answered that question countless times and continuing to talk about that will get us nowhere. I tell her this is the last time I will ever ask that question. If you have ever loved me just answer this question. I just need to know. She agrees to answer the question, but only if I first explain why I think that. Now my mind is racing. She wants to know if one of her friends has spilled the beans. She wants to see how much I already know. I proceed to mention the text message about not being able to talk because she is having lunch with a friend. Her answer to that is that there is no way for us to have a short phone conversation these days and text messages seem like a better method of communication for now. She then says no. No what I reply. No, there is no one else. I received my answer, but it was hallow and provided me no comfort.

 

We continue to discuss our relationship and I start to get tears in my eyes. She must have had a split-second of compassion for me, because she then says that she wants to be honest with me and tells me that she is seeing someone. I lose it. I am sobbing like a little girl and I am saying how stupid I am. I am not angry, I am devastated. She comforts me like you would comfort a little kid who skinned his knee. She gives me a half hug and rubs my back. She then tries to explain and corrects herself by saying she is not seeing anyone in particular. She has just been on a few dates with a couple different people and she has compared them to me and so far I am still on top. Yay. How long have you been dating I ask. Just a couple of weeks she says. She then starts telling me about one of the guys she has been seeing and almost tells me where he works before she stops herself. She tells me how sorry she is and that she still loves me and wants to marry me and have my children. I just need to let her do her own thing so she can find herself and make sure that I am the one. She promises me that she will come back to me. I am still a blubbering mess at this point and I have not really added much to the conversation. She apologizes for having to leave me this way, but she needs to get home and do laundry and get ready for work the next day. I mention the stuff in the garage which she is supposed to be taking home. She asks me to leave the garage unlocked and promises that she will get it tomorrow on her lunch break.

 

When I return from work the next day, unsurprisingly her stuff is still there. I tape the boxes shut and load all six of them into my truck. I arrive at her house at 11:30pm and stack the boxes neatly next to her parent's boat. I notice that it is extremely late for her car not to be in the driveway. I stew on this fact the entire ride home. I start wondering if she has been sleeping at another man's house. Maybe she moved out. When I get home there is no way I can get to sleep. I get out of bed and I call her phone about a hundred times and no answer. Finally, I leave a voicemail telling her that I dropped off her stuff and that she has been playing me for a fool. A few minutes later I call one last time and one of her girlfriends answers and plays dumb like she doesn't know who I am. I ask to speak with my girlfriend. This friend then says that she is going to be blunt. She cares about you, but you need to not call her anymore. She then hangs up the phone.

 

Message received. The next day I changed my phone number and deleted my myspace acount. The phone experience was enough to numb me from the reality of the situation for a few days. I started to lose some of the sadness I had been feeling and replace it with anger. I told myself I would never contact her again. Which of course is easier said then done.

 

A few days later I run into her at a local bar. She stops to say hello to my friend and ignores me. As she walks by I ask her if we could talk. I don't know what I was thinking. It just seemed so odd to see the woman you love walk by you in a bar and not say something. She says she is going outside to smoke and I follow her. She asks if I had received her text message. I said no because I had changed my number. She looks miffed and says whatever. She apologizes for what her friend said to me on the phone. She was drunk and puking in the bathroom at the time and did not ask her friend to answer her phone. She would not have said what her friend said to me. She then tells me that the guy she is seeing works at the bar. From this point on the rest of the night is a little fuzzy. I was inebriated and filled with rage. I remember her saying that the only reason she is dating a bartender is for free drinks. I also remember telling her that I loved her and she replied that she loves me too. If she didn't love me she would have every guy in the bar kick me out. Wow. At that moment I really felt special. In the last two years I had bought this woman two Prada purses, one pair of Chanel glasses, a Gucci watch, a diamond pendant, and diamond earrings from Zales. Not to mention the fact that I gave her money whenever she needed it and provided endless computer support for her and her entire family. And she's not going to have her new dude's friends kick me out of the bar. That is true love. We finish the conversation with her confessing that she is not sorry for anything she has done. She then says that since I think she is such a whore she is going to F every guy in the bar.

 

I left the bar and walked the three miles to my house. I was too hurt and too angry to take a taxi. I really needed to walk it off. Most of the walk I was wishing that I lived farther away. If my house was ten miles away I would have attempted to walk the entire way. I didn't want to go home.

 

The next day I woke up pretty early and checked her myspace page. She had finally deleted all the pictures of me. I then checked out her friend list. It said she had 39 friends. That definitely seemed like a higher number than it was the other day. Then I saw him. She had added her ex-boyfriend. This guy cheated on her and had a kid with someone else. She went back to him and he dumped her only to return six months later for a one night stand. He then entered her life again a few years ago when he gave her friend an STD. And now he is on her friend list and I am not. Who is this woman I have been with all of these years? Why does she hate me so much? Why is she trying to make me so miserable? These questions are still running through my mind.

 

Like an idiot I send her an angry email telling her that I know she is trying to hurt me and if she continues I will go out of my way to make her feel like crap. I immediately regret sending the email and I follow it up with another email saying I don't want to start a war, let's just try not to hurt each other. She replies a day later with her own angry email alluding to the fact that she will be moving to Miami in two months and will delete her myspace and change her phone number. She tells me to grow up and that it's sad that I am angry over a myspace friend. I reply back saying that I was upset about her threatening me with her new bar friends and then adding her ex to myspace the next day. I tell her to live her life and I promise to leave her alone.

 

I then start to reflect on the past and my mind starts asking questions that should not be asked. I immediately think about the day I asked her to take me to the hospital about six months ago. We had returned from partying in San Diego and I felt like I was having a panic attack or something. When I was laying in the hospital bed she was complaining that she wanted to have dinner with her girlfriend who we had just hung out with the night before. We started fighting and she said she hated me. I left the hospital and did not take the blood tests. When we got back to my house I still felt horrible and I didn't even know what was wrong with me. She left me there and said she was meeting her friend for dinner. When she returned about four hours later she did not even look at me and went straight to the bathroom and took a shower. When she was finished showering she went straight to bed. This was the first time I had ever seen her shower before bed when she was staying at my house. At the time I knew this was a big sign that your partner is cheating on you, but I put it out of my mind because of who I thought she was. Has she been cheating on me this entire year? I want to send her another email accusing her and telling her what a terrible person she is. But I know there is no point in it. The past is the past and I will probably never know what really happened. I need to let go. Starting today no contact mode has been switched to the on position.

[funkybassplayer]

That is a really sad story, and i feel if your ex loved you as she said, she would have had the decency to tell you the truth. Having givin your trust and she just stuck in a bin is the worst, i know i have been there and it makes you feel like crap, but remember she did this not you, so you must not feel crap. You are doing the right thing, if you send nasty emails, it will only hurt you. One thing i have learened is that after a split, its only worth saying something if its nice, true, and comes from the heart. Anything else will make you feel ****. Be strong, you have taken your first step toward a better life. If this woman ever tries to come back into your life again, remember what she done to you, and how you are feeling now. It just shows you that true beuty really is skin deep. She became a monster b/c she lost weight. You did your best, but shes on her way down, your on your way up.

[breitling]

Thanks FBP. I've read many of your posts and I know that you know what you are talking about. For now I am going to try to follow No Foolin's guide on no contact and treat it like the AA serenity prayer.