I am scared I'll go to far this time

[MonroeVonOh]

I am in love . I am in love with someone in such an intence way that it makes me sick knowing that we are now not together and it is , for the most part, my fault.

I have never been in love before . I have said it to a few that I have been with , as they said the same to me , but I am pretty sure I have never been in love before until now . The sheer fact that I have to question that in past relationships shows me that I in fact have never felt love ...again, until now. Because when they say " you just know" .. you do , you just know.

 

Anyways , I have met the most wonderful man . He goes beyond everything that I have ever thought about what I wanted in another person and he treats me with such respect and gives me the most sincere support and love .

 

 

I blew it

 

Because it was a long distance relationship , we converted what we had into " friends with benefits" and I thought I was fine with that but I clearly wasn't . I have been moody towards this man , mean , and I have even made him cry , because my own frustration and how it has gotten the best of me. I finally told him not that long ago about everything . About how I felt about the long distance, how it was making me depressed and angry and prone to lashing out towards him. It was sort of too late by then. I had already done some things to this man that made him a bit weary to start something serious up again , and I don't blame him .. so instead of losing him completely , we went back to being friends with benefits until things panned out , smoothed over. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was getting frustrated again as I wanted to be with this person more than anything , shout it from the roof tops if you will. I mean , this is the man that I thought about marrying , starting an actual life with . We make such a good team and we have made each other very very happy. So I asked him out ! again, and again .. and even suggested trying it again for one week to see how it goes .. A WEEK ! I just needed something ya know . anything. Still , for some reason he just wanted to be friends for the time being , which of course led to friends with benefits

once again because of the large amount of feelings we both have for each other. Everyone we know thinks that we are together! A good friend of his will often refer to me as " the girlfriend" All this was killing me , I couldn't handle it anymore , the distance , the distance from him , I felt lost and upset and confused , and I broke down . I ended up sleeping with some guy . Some guy that I regret . Some guy that I didn't even know . It was the worst sex/feeling I have ever had in my life . Although I really didn't cheat , because I wasn't really with anyone , I still felt as if I might aswell have. I felt numb . I felt stupid. I just broke down .

 

Of course I told my " friends with benefits" the man that I love , what I did . And that was that. It's over now and I will most likely never see or be with this man again . He tells me that he still loves me very much , but can't be with me because I am more or less tainted and the thought to being with me again after something like that , makes him ill . I understand that . I do.

 

But I am now lost , he was my life , my everything .." what did you expect to happen after doing what you did ?" I have no idea , I wasn't thinking and having a few drinks before hand , althought not to justify what I did, did in fact make things easier to do.

 

So what do I do now , somebody out there has to have some advice for me please. I have been in bed for days . I haven't spoken to " my man" in just as many. I feel sick and I am depressed . Which I have always had a case of . I am really afraid that I am going to try and hurt myself over this . Like I said , I have always been a depressed person for the most part. inside . with myself. Having this man in my life changed that because I finally found someone that I love and who loves me , without any hidden agenda on my part or his . It had the potencial to be a happy, long lasting and healthy relationship . With a little work , but still. And now because I freaked out , I lost it all and there isn't any one thing I can do about it .

My life isnt the greatest and this was what was keeping me going , him/us ..everything ... and for awhile my whole life in every aspect was gluing itself altogether.. I was actually happy and ready to do this.

 

It's gone now and I am starting to have the same thoughts and feelings I once had before I met this person. A while back I tried to commit suicide , I was at the end of my rope and I felt that I had no one , I was done. I drank as I was taking a pack of sleeping pills and that was going to be my last stop. 20 mins or so into it , a family member saw me and called the abulance. I was put into the '' looney bin" for about 2 or so weeks to get help after that . Everything seemed to be going fine and I was on my way to a better life. Its all **** now. and I dont know what to do. Just this morning I have been thinking about ways in my head of how to go about it . I have made it a game almost . Some make me laugh , some make me cry. I don't want to do it , and the thought of maybe getting back with this man is really what is keeping me here . And I was stupid enough to tell him all that too. I am a mess. how the hell do I move on . How the hell do I move on without hurting myself first . god , im so angry at myself.

[kittensmittens]

Monroe,

 

Please stop beating yourself up. I've been where you are. The circumstances were a little different, but I thought I had lost the most wonderful man in the whole entire world and blamed myself for treating him horribly, not changing sooner, hurting him, etc. The grief nearly crushed me to death. But he came back and I found out that I did make mistakes, but, guess what? I'm human. And so is he. I had him way up high on a pedestal. Most of what I was pining over was an illusion and/or blown completely out of proportion, though I NEVER would have believed that at the time. You are punishing yourself right now and it is preventing you from seeing the situation in a more objective light.

 

YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM. He is the one who wanted the non-commitment. So he is the one who basically gave you the go ahead to do whatever you want. He is still entitled to feel whatever he feels. But frankly, in my opinion, he has no right to be 'punishing' you for doing what you did. It's not like you didn't make your feelings/wishes about him known beforehand. And it sounds to me as if he didn't have too much regard for your feelings. Yes, you did some things to hurt him, but you made it clear how you felt and tried to make amends. Rather than being clear about how he felt, he proceeded to string you along. If he had as much respect for you and love for you as you say, I don't think he would have maintained the FWB status. He would have either committed to you or let you go w/ love.

 

And you told him about what you did because you are honest. You genuinely care about him and how your actions might affect him. That's really quite honorable! You were put in a very frustrating situation where your feelings were not being validated. Perhaps, w/out thoroughly realizing it, you were feeling taken for granted by him and even a little used, and sought to do something to grab his attention. Even if that is the case, you didn't do anything wrong. Emotions can be very powerful and we don't always know how best to handle them, especially when we have other forces, such as depression, working against us. Please realize that, while you were with him, you did the best you knew at that time with what you had. Mistakes and all, you were the best you that you knew how to be. You can only take what you've learned and apply it to NOW. This is something I'm still learning the hard way.

 

I have always been a depressed person for the most part. inside . with myself. Having this man in my life changed that because I finally found someone that I love and who loves me , without any hidden agenda on my part or his . It had the potencial to be a happy, long lasting and healthy relationship . With a little work , but still. And now because I freaked out , I lost it all and there isn't any one thing I can do about it .

My life isnt the greatest and this was what was keeping me going , him/us ..everything ... and for awhile my whole life in every aspect was gluing itself altogether.. I was actually happy and ready to do this.

 

My bf came along and seemed to be the missing piece to my happiness and I had so much regret and unhappiness when I lost it. I know how you feel. But other people cannot be our anti-depressant medication. Other people come into our lives to enhance our happiness and share in the joy we have to offer. If we can't give that to ourselves first, then we don't have that to offer. What you are saying here is that you need him to validate your existence. The only person who can do that is you....and I'm still learning all of this the hard way too. He left again and I still want him to come back and rescue me from all of this pain. But why does he have that much power? A better question is, why don't I? Breakups are supposed to be painful....but when you feel you've lost everything, maybe HE isn't what is truly missing in your life.

 

Believe me I KNOW how you're feeling. I really do. Just hang in there. If he can't see the love you have to offer, someone even better will see it and appreciate it. I'm still trying to get this through my head as well. Right now, do what you need to do to be ready for that person.....or him if he comes back. You never know what the future may bring....please don't cheat yourself out of it....

[SierraMarie]

First of all, you were not "with" him so he has no right to say anything about what you did. The truth is that you needed to get out of this "friends with benefits" situation anyway. All it does it cause pain, as you very well know.

 

Please don't do anything to yourself, that makes me so sad. Have some respect for yourself. Would you kill somebody else? No, so why would you kill yourself? I know you feel horrible right now but you will get better. You have so many things to live for, and not one of them is this relationship with this guy (at least not in the way it is now). I'm so sorry that you feel this way. We've all had times when we felt hopeless and like we didn't want to go on. But trust me, it WILL get better.

 

If you two really want this relationship to work, then why doesn't one of you move to where the other is? Also, why is it that he can't be with you now just because you slept with someone else? Is he worried about getting a disease? Well, then go get tested to make sure you don't have anything. You should do this for yourself, especially since you didn't know the guy. If he can't forgive you after this, you don't want to be with him anyway. Which, he really has no reason to have to forgive you since you weren't really in a relationship with him.

 

Post back.

[MonroeVonOh]

.

 

If you two really want this relationship to work, then why doesn't one of you move to where the other is?

Post back.

 

 

I'm not sure if I did that " quote" thing right but here is hoping .

 

I did, I told him that I would move to where he was , or at least a bit closer , he said he wasn't sure because I guess he was scared of that sort of commitment at the time when I asked . So I waited , and I asked again , I told him I didn't care , I would commute to work and do what I had to do . And he just sorta , well I can't remember exactly , but it wasn't short of just silence.

 

I have talked to him since and again I have poured myself out and told him once again how I felt toward him . He did admit that he was planning on asking me back out in a week or so and now because of what i did he no longer trusts me and i have destroyed his self confidence , and so what he want to do now ( although he says he still loves me and doesn't want to ) is start dating to " move on" and to " get over you" (me) . And I can understand that.

 

I left him one last message over MSN and I think that is the best I can do because I am really starting to feel really stupid leaving him messages like this. I basically said , if there is ever a chance that I can be with you again , please let me take it , I will do whatever it takes and I will prove to you that you can trust me once again . Do what you need to do , but know that I will be waiting if you ever change your mind . And then i wished him luck with everything . well , " have a good one"

 

there are so many things that run through my head after I write things like that . mainly , i just feel stupid when he doesn't get back , but really what do you say to something like that? who knows

 

 

maybe this is both our faults . I'm just so confused .

 

thank you everyone for the help . i really needed it .

 

as I get rather emotional when I type these things , i apologize if its a bit scattered . I reckon it still makes sense though.

[Curious139]

My heart goes out to you. I'm living with the consequences of a mistake too - lack of courage to commit to the woman I loved. And now I've lost her.

 

I also felt like wanting to die, end my life. What got me through that was the support of friends and family, counselling, and my doctor.

 

The other point which held me back is I couldn't leave a legacy of suicide for my children, for my family. That is a terrible terrible memory for people to carry around for decades and completely alters the way people would remember you if it happened.

 

What others think doesn't seem important when you are deeply depressed but that is because your brain isn't functioning in a healthy way. Get support, medical help. Coming here shows courage and reaching out is the right thing to do.

 

We all make mistakes. I haven't accepted mine yet but I can't turn back the clock. We are fallible humans. You are in good company here.

[JCD]

Been there. Go complete NC with him so that you can heal. You'll be surprised to find out that after a while you'll stabilize and actually begin to date again. You'll see your ex in a different light then, like in 'what the heck was I thinking?' kind of way. You see, these love hormones right now make you feel like he is the center of your universe and happiness. But as they wear off, other things like your hobbies, etc. will start to gain importance again. I guarantee you, you will heal and become stable once again. You'll learn how to guard your heart and how to make better choices in men.

[MonroeVonOh]

Well , I know I have been reading a lot of " get over him" and " move on"

but I don't think I am ready, or really want to yet. He has contacted me since the last message I sent him and he states that he just needs time to recover . I think after taking some time to think on his own , he realizes that I didn't do anything wrong in regards to " friends with benefits " and what happened there. I still regret what I did but i think hes starting to see that as we were not together , I am not entirely to be blamed and so on . " i need to time to recover , you didn't do anything wrong , i am just really jealous ... really jealous , maybe we can work this out"

Even so , I am still getting myself ready to get over him and have already begun to in some respect just in case . I just hope everything works out the way it is suppose to . I do feel that he is the best man for me and he does make be very happy and vice versa.

I also hope that when we do see each other again that all the feelings come rushing back on both our parts as this is a trying time and being apart from each other more so now than ever, can take its toll without anyone knowing I reckon. I don't want things to be awkward , or ... just have it not work out after so much time and effort and love and everything else under the sun. That is not why I am trying so hard , it is because I love him and that's all.Once again , here is hoping this all works out .. and everyone is just left happy with the turnout. Regardless.

*sigh*

thank you all for the advice .

 

I myself need to learn to take things slow .

 

I hope this time apart will make us stronger instead of breaking us apart for good.

 

once more , I just hope everything turns out the way it is suppose to .

[Citizen Erased]

Very hypocritical of him, IMO, to deny making a commitment to you constantly, yet stops your FWB arrangement when you sleep with someone else. You making a commitment to each other cements monogamy, him refusing to make you official sends the message he isn't in it for the long run. So he has NO right to be ****ty at you for going elsewhere for something you haven't promised to only do with him.

[MonroeVonOh]

But why does he have that much power? A better question is, why don't I? Breakups are supposed to be painful....but when you feel you've lost everything, maybe HE isn't what is truly missing in your life.

 

 

 

 

I wish you all the best of luck within your struggle . You will find away , just like you are telling me I will . It's always hard to take your own advice sometimes , but you gave some really good advice. I have read what everyone has been saying here , and I am taking this one day at a time , which is the only option that is given to me really lol. time doesn't stop , and I don't want to either. I know that now.

 

Please stay strong and take things day by day. You know what do to as you have said it already to me .. again, I wish for you to take your own advice and thoughts and use them for yourself . I hope you are already and have been , seems like it . can't stop now .

 

oh bother, I have never been good at writing things like this .

 

 

I send my best regards to you and to everyone here

 

 

take care