MonroeVonOh Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I am in love . I am in love with someone in such an intence way that it makes me sick knowing that we are now not together and it is , for the most part, my fault. I have never been in love before . I have said it to a few that I have been with , as they said the same to me , but I am pretty sure I have never been in love before until now . The sheer fact that I have to question that in past relationships shows me that I in fact have never felt love ...again, until now. Because when they say " you just know" .. you do , you just know. Anyways , I have met the most wonderful man . He goes beyond everything that I have ever thought about what I wanted in another person and he treats me with such respect and gives me the most sincere support and love . I blew it Because it was a long distance relationship , we converted what we had into " friends with benefits" and I thought I was fine with that but I clearly wasn't . I have been moody towards this man , mean , and I have even made him cry , because my own frustration and how it has gotten the best of me. I finally told him not that long ago about everything . About how I felt about the long distance, how it was making me depressed and angry and prone to lashing out towards him. It was sort of too late by then. I had already done some things to this man that made him a bit weary to start something serious up again , and I don't blame him .. so instead of losing him completely , we went back to being friends with benefits until things panned out , smoothed over. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was getting frustrated again as I wanted to be with this person more than anything , shout it from the roof tops if you will. I mean , this is the man that I thought about marrying , starting an actual life with . We make such a good team and we have made each other very very happy. So I asked him out ! again, and again .. and even suggested trying it again for one week to see how it goes .. A WEEK ! I just needed something ya know . anything. Still , for some reason he just wanted to be friends for the time being , which of course led to friends with benefits once again because of the large amount of feelings we both have for each other. Everyone we know thinks that we are together! A good friend of his will often refer to me as " the girlfriend" All this was killing me , I couldn't handle it anymore , the distance , the distance from him , I felt lost and upset and confused , and I broke down . I ended up sleeping with some guy . Some guy that I regret . Some guy that I didn't even know . It was the worst sex/feeling I have ever had in my life . Although I really didn't cheat , because I wasn't really with anyone , I still felt as if I might aswell have. I felt numb . I felt stupid. I just broke down . Of course I told my " friends with benefits" the man that I love , what I did . And that was that. It's over now and I will most likely never see or be with this man again . He tells me that he still loves me very much , but can't be with me because I am more or less tainted and the thought to being with me again after something like that , makes him ill . I understand that . I do. But I am now lost , he was my life , my everything .." what did you expect to happen after doing what you did ?" I have no idea , I wasn't thinking and having a few drinks before hand , althought not to justify what I did, did in fact make things easier to do. So what do I do now , somebody out there has to have some advice for me please. I have been in bed for days . I haven't spoken to " my man" in just as many. I feel sick and I am depressed . Which I have always had a case of . I am really afraid that I am going to try and hurt myself over this . Like I said , I have always been a depressed person for the most part. inside . with myself. Having this man in my life changed that because I finally found someone that I love and who loves me , without any hidden agenda on my part or his . It had the potencial to be a happy, long lasting and healthy relationship . With a little work , but still. And now because I freaked out , I lost it all and there isn't any one thing I can do about it . My life isnt the greatest and this was what was keeping me going , him/us ..everything ... and for awhile my whole life in every aspect was gluing itself altogether.. I was actually happy and ready to do this. It's gone now and I am starting to have the same thoughts and feelings I once had before I met this person. A while back I tried to commit suicide , I was at the end of my rope and I felt that I had no one , I was done. I drank as I was taking a pack of sleeping pills and that was going to be my last stop. 20 mins or so into it , a family member saw me and called the abulance. I was put into the '' looney bin" for about 2 or so weeks to get help after that . Everything seemed to be going fine and I was on my way to a better life. Its all **** now. and I dont know what to do. Just this morning I have been thinking about ways in my head of how to go about it . I have made it a game almost . Some make me laugh , some make me cry. I don't want to do it , and the thought of maybe getting back with this man is really what is keeping me here . And I was stupid enough to tell him all that too. I am a mess. how the hell do I move on . How the hell do I move on without hurting myself first . god , im so angry at myself.
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