annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I really hate to burst your bubble, but your dirty old. Just like me. Sunrise Medical makes a great walker, and I highly recomend Life Alert if you live alone! Never know when the ol' hip will go out and leave you on the floor and unable to get back up. Art, nice guess, Im right in the middle. You're practically still a kid. I'll be hitting the ripe old age of 32 next month. I'll be looking into retirement homes soon.
Replicant Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 About a month ago she spent the night at his place and didnt tell me about it. Now I'm pretty darn shure she didnt do anything, but I dont really care. If you don't care that is reason in itself not to continue this relationship. Secondly spending the night at an ex's place is a total dealbreaker, regardless of what happened and the means you find out about it.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You're practically still a kid. I'll be hitting the ripe old age of 32 next month. I'll be looking into retirement homes soon. Ha, you should already be in one! Age is measured by experience. So you honestly think it would be bad to buy a place and rent it to her cheap? I could let her stay for free, would that be different? I'm going to buy another place anyway, it will give me a 20k tax write off, which I need really bad.
annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ha, you should already be in one! Age is measured by experience. So you honestly think it would be bad to buy a place and rent it to her cheap? I could let her stay for free, would that be different? I'm going to buy another place anyway, it will give me a 20k tax write off, which I need really bad. It's not worth it. Rent it out to some one you haven't been in a relationship with. Trust me, it will get messy. Not only will you be the guy that dumped her and broke her heart but you will now be her landlord. Even if she is a good person at heart, us girls can do some pretty stupid things when we feel desperate. You could end up in a whole mess of trouble.
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Quote: Originally Posted by jcster Jerky action #1: You made her think that you changed your relationship to non-committed because she didn't tell you she stayed at her ex's house. But, in reality, your "not that into her." Jerky action #2: You know that she falls "fast and hard" and that she's more into the relationship than you are, and you are still having sex with her while you work on girl #2. Jerky action #3: You're cock-blocking your friend, who IS into her, just so that you can continue to get some. 3 strikes ...you're a jerk! #1... What can I say? I'd rather not get burned, so I hold back. Maybe its a character flaw, maybe a strength. I take it you view this as a flaw? Maybe I should make myself more emotionally availabe, but that also makes me so much more vulnerable. Until I really know a girl I just dont put myself out there like that. I really did like her. #2, Yeah, I'm having a little bit of trouble with this myself. Its really why I posted. Kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I want to help her out... I was previously considering buying a house and letting her rent it real cheap. Maybe I should do that and cut off the physical stuff, see what happens in a couple of months. #3, For good reason. My friend is the king of the 1 night stand. When he dumped his last GF after she caught him cheating, he told her that she was crap in bed, so he had to... and that if she would have the same problem with any guy, so she might as well just stay with him. Guy is a hoot to hang out with, but I dont want to go near his personal life. #1 - the point isn't holding back...it's that you've withdrawn. If you were taking it slow to begin with, it would be another story. But, as I read your initial post - you cite the reason for this withdrawal as her not telling you about staying at her ex's house. Later on in the post, you say you just weren't that into her? So which is it? #2 - AHHH! I would really suggest that you do not do that! Is there some reason that you are so dedicated to keeping her tied to you? Because that's what it seems like you are doing. If you don't want to be with her, then by all means, let her go - but don't make it more complicated than it is. #3 - Ok. I can see why you want to keep your friend away from her. But, are you still going to maintain that you are continuing to sleep with her to keep her safe from bad men? It doesn't wash. I think the problem that I'm seeing here is that you don't want to let this woman go - but - you don't want to be committed to her either. You can't have it both ways without being a jerk. I can see that you don't want to be one, so you're going to have to make a decision.
annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I think the problem that I'm seeing here is that you don't want to let this woman go - but - you don't want to be committed to her either. You can't have it both ways without being a jerk. I can see that you don't want to be one, so you're going to have to make a decision. Very well said. I agree. Now that you know what you are doing is wrong, you need to decide if you are going to be a "jerk" or do the right thing. You seem like a good guy and I know you want to do what is right.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I don't think you should dump her JUST because of the staying overnight thing. Based on how you described the circumstances, it sounds like she was being honest. That said, it's valid to break up with her because you feel like she has too many problems for you to handle right now, she's too close to her ex, or her personality isn't what you're looking for. I just think it's silly to dump her for that reason alone. But if you can't forgive her, for god sakes stop leading her on. That's borderline abusive, esp considering how fragile she obviously is. Tell her kindly that what she did isn't ok with you and you really need to trust someone to be committed to them. Just be honest but sensitive and you'll be doing the right thing. At the moment you're causing her more emotional pain that you could possibly fathom. Believe me.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Jcster, I think its a little more complicated than that. Your right I need to just end it. There is this part of me that wants to save her from all the pain in her life, and I kind of have a bond with her daughter. However, the more I think this out the more I realize drawing this out is just going to be more painful for her, and I dont want to be the cause of that. Crap... is there a way to just be friends for a little while, like just provide a little emotional support without stringing her along? I just dont feel that she is 100% stable right now. Why do girls always gotta go and mess things up?
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 ^Yes, what you need to do is meet with her in person and explain why you want to break up. Then tell her that you'll be there for her if she needs any support. Check in on her periodicially by calling to make sure she's ok.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I don't think you should dump her JUST because of the staying overnight thing. Based on how you described the circumstances, it sounds like she was being honest. That said, it's valid to break up with her because you feel like she has too many problems for you to handle right now, she's too close to her ex, or her personality isn't what you're looking for. I just think it's silly to dump her for that reason alone. But if you can't forgive her, for god sakes stop leading her on. That's borderline abusive, esp considering how fragile she obviously is. Tell her kindly that what she did isn't ok with you and you really need to trust someone to be committed to them. Just be honest but sensitive and you'll be doing the right thing. At the moment you're causing her more emotional pain that you could possibly fathom. Believe me. Well, when there is an ex actively involved I admit Im kind of gunshy, and not letting me know whats going on, is just something I'm going to tolerate. Its easier to terminate now... shoot I'm having enough of a problem now. Imagine piling another 3 months of emotions on this. Besides, Ive dumped girls for less. I had a GF that would flirt with every guy in the room, including me. I didnt mind for a while, then it became pretty obvious she needed lots of attention from multiple guys. Not a good sign.
oppath Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Dude, you are responsible for a lot of her pain and emotional instability. #1 You can't go in reverse in a relationship. Going from a committed, exclusive relationship, to non-exclusive, is flat out insulting to her. Your actions are saying "I'm willing to keep hanging out with you and sleep with you until someone better comes along." #2 She said she would do anything, she was pleading, right? So what is she doing? She is allowing you to sleep with her because she hopes you will realize how sweet and amazing she is so you will commit to her. BUT YOUR SHIP HAS SAILED. No, it doesn't matter if you are being honest about what you want and it is her choice. SHE WANTS MORE. You know that. By keeping her in your life in an intimate way, you are essentially abusing her. You are using her. You know you can't give her what she wants, and you don't want to give her what she wants. But if you care for her, you would want her to heal. You would say "I really value you and care about you, but I've come to the realization we're not the right people for each other, though you, you are great. I value our time together deeply. But I need to end things because I want you to heal so you can find someone who can give you everything you want and deserve, and I don't feel I am that person. I am sorry." Serious. Get the notion that you've been honest so it is her choice out of your head. You know you won't give her what she wants! You know it is detrimental to her! How much is it going to hurt her further when you start dating someone else you really like?!? She's going to be dumped again, and instead of being dumped because the two of you weren't right for each other and the relationship wasn't working (which has noting to do with x,y, or z reasons about her when you truly think about it), she's going to feel second place. If you care about her at all, let her heal. You have the responsibility to act in a way that will increase her welfare.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Well, when there is an ex actively involved I admit Im kind of gunshy, and not letting me know whats going on, is just something I'm going to tolerate. Its easier to terminate now... shoot I'm having enough of a problem now. Imagine piling another 3 months of emotions on this. Besides, Ive dumped girls for less. I had a GF that would flirt with every guy in the room, including me. I didnt mind for a while, then it became pretty obvious she needed lots of attention from multiple guys. Not a good sign. Let her down easy. Explain that it's not fair to her to keep this kind of relationship up and you realized you were mistreating her by doing so. Just be honest. And make sure she knows that you still care about her as a friend and you're not just saying that by checking in on her from time to time. The worst thing you could do is suddenly disappear and make her feel even more used.
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 My ex-father-in-law was in a similar situation to you. He broke up with the woman in question, but stayed very important in the lives of her children - he still is, even after they've graduated from high school. That being said, it will take a tremendous amount of delicacy and empathy in order for you to remain friends with your exGF in light of how she feels about you. It may be the lesser of 2 evils, but you have to make absolutely certain that you are prepared to be a purely platonic friend - anything else will be disaster. Good luck - I think it speaks really well of you that you've put yourself out here on the "chopping block" with this conundrum. See...no longer a jerk!
Cobra_X30 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well Oppath, Ive come to a point where I agree with what your saying. I let my anger control me for a bit... I am going to fix it. Jcester, I can provide sympathy, not empathy, and I am afraid that I am not super good at bieng delicate, so I will just ease my way out of the situation over the course of half a year or so. I plan to put in a quick call to my friend Austin, who I think likes her, and figure out what his plans are first. I dont want any wildcards, and just off past experience, he can kind of be a vulture.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well Oppath, Ive come to a point where I agree with what your saying. I let my anger control me for a bit... I am going to fix it. Jcester, I can provide sympathy, not empathy, and I am afraid that I am not super good at bieng delicate, so I will just ease my way out of the situation over the course of half a year or so. I plan to put in a quick call to my friend Austin, who I think likes her, and figure out what his plans are first. I dont want any wildcards, and just off past experience, he can kind of be a vulture. Dragging it out will only create more turmoil and confusion for everyone involved. You need to be honest with her and make a fast, clean break. Her calling you 3-10 times a day should tell you that this situation is making her act unstable, its not good for her daughter to see her mom act that way. The woman needs to be able to accept its over and the only way to do that is by you breaking up with her and not contacting her again. I don't understand what you mean about calling your friend Austin. Why do you need to figure out what his plans are first? What wildcards are you worried about? Does he date your exes or something?
Trimmer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Well Oppath, Ive come to a point where I agree with what your saying. I let my anger control me for a bit... I am going to fix it. Jcester, I can provide sympathy, not empathy, and I am afraid that I am not super good at bieng delicate, so I will just ease my way out of the situation over the course of half a year or so. I plan to put in a quick call to my friend Austin, who I think likes her, and figure out what his plans are first. I dont want any wildcards, and just off past experience, he can kind of be a vulture. It seems like you're treating her like a child, and instead of trying to help her by empowering her to make her own decisions as an adult, you are manipulating things behind the scenes, without her knowledge or participation, in ways that you think are best for her. She is an adult, and a mother. Let her stand on her own two feet. Help her stand on her own two feet, if you wish, but let her do it. Tell her the situation with your relationship, instead of manipulating it and dragging it out "for her own good." If you have concerns about your buddy being a vulture, then let her know, and help empower her to deal with it as she chooses, instead of keeping it from her, and trying to once again manipulate things behind the scenes for her benefit, but at your discretion. It may be hard to hear, but if you aren't going to be around, then she's going to have to learn how to not need you, and the sooner the better. You aren't doing her any favors by parenting her behind the scenes.
Arizona100 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 You're practically still a kid. I'll be hitting the ripe old age of 32 next month. I'll be looking into retirement homes soon. And I am 33! Anyway, you can't have your cake and eat it too is what comes to my mind. Just call it. You know you do not want to pursue this relationship.
oppath Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Exactly. You had every reason to be angry with her. Neither of your actions makes you bad people. However, the reality of the situation is that she wants to be with you. She is continuing with your current arrangement only because she feels if she keeps you in her life, you will come back and commit to her. You have no intention of doing this. Therefore, being intimate with her is using her. Because you have no intention of ever giving her what you know she wants. I'm not implying you are a jerk for this. You truly value her and wanted to keep her in your life. And you CAN be friends later...once both people have healed and the anger/bitterness are gone. That will take several months. The way I see it, be honest with her, not delicate. And honesty is not "I don't like x,y, and z about you, that's why I can't date you." Because when you think about it, x y and z aren't reasons, they are excuses, and you'd be using them to rationalize the fact that your feelings have changed or haven't continued to progress. You know it is over, yet, you continue to date her and be intimate with her. She allows it because to her, it is not over, there is a chance! She's not allowing it because she's cool with just having fun. She is allowing it because she wants to keep you in her life and she wants you as her BF, and she'll settle for scraps at the moment as long as there is a chance in her head. But there is no chance. You should be saying to her "why would you want to be intimate with someone who does not want a relationship with you, and who feels a relationship will never happen because we aren't right for each other in that way?" If she can answer that question in a way that convinces you she is cool with casual sex, by all means, continue...but you've already made it clear she does not feel that way about you. Do you see the problem here?
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I think your friend is right, the decent thing to do is break off with her. However, I don't really think that is the important issue here. What I would ask is why on earth do you want to still see her, when she spent the night with her ex? And then didn't tell you about it? Not only are you going soft on her transgression, you are staying involved in a messy and convoluted situation. I mean seriously, she has ex issues, a broken marriage, and a kid. The kid may be fun now but it means you have this other guy - who for all you know she was having sex with that night - hanging around and interfering for the next 12 years at least. This situation has drama written all over it. Go watch "Fatal Attraction" then realise why not only is it the right thing to do to dump her, but it's in your best interests also. I'd say if you want sex with no commitments, only do it with women who are reading from the same page. Don't do it with women who are hoping the sex will graduate into a new relationship.
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 There is this part of me that wants to save her from all the pain in her life Is this the part that makes you sleep around while you are seeing her? That must really help take away the pain in her life! C'mon man, you know what to do - move on and have a quick clean break, it'll be better for everyone.
Davey McG Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Let her down gently, and walk away. I think it might be hard for her in the short term, but easier in the long term if you end it properly (but gently). I imagine there will always issues to work through if your partner has a child and keeping in touch with their ex-partner. I think you'd have to be very serious about someone to be with them in this situation and you don't appear to be. You're not her social worker or father, she's an adult and will handle it eventually.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Nitty, A side note on Austin. The friends that I would call "drinking buddies", are a group of guys from the yacht club, and we race boats together. Austin's Dad owns 2 of the yachts we race. He works a little bit as a model, so he is always flying to NYC, but otherwise he pretty much just plays. About 1 year back he had a girlfriend (amanda) that he was only kind of into. He cheated on her a couple of times so they were on and off (actually that describes every relationship I've ever seen him in). Anyway, so at one point his GF tell him that she is madly in love with me. Now she never even gave me a hint of this, and I think she was just trying to hurt him... but it wound up causing an issue for a few weeks. So with that in mind I did ask him last night while we were out what he intended to do. To spare the graphic details he basically stated that he has a milf fantasy. I asked him if his choice in women had anything to do with the amanda situation... he said maybe a little. To me that means more like maybe a lot. I told him that he can do what he wants, but if it turns out bad I will kick his arse.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 It seems like you're treating her like a child, and instead of trying to help her by empowering her to make her own decisions as an adult, you are manipulating things behind the scenes, without her knowledge or participation, in ways that you think are best for her. She is an adult, and a mother. Let her stand on her own two feet. Help her stand on her own two feet, if you wish, but let her do it. Tell her the situation with your relationship, instead of manipulating it and dragging it out "for her own good." If you have concerns about your buddy being a vulture, then let her know, and help empower her to deal with it as she chooses, instead of keeping it from her, and trying to once again manipulate things behind the scenes for her benefit, but at your discretion. It may be hard to hear, but if you aren't going to be around, then she's going to have to learn how to not need you, and the sooner the better. You aren't doing her any favors by parenting her behind the scenes. I hear what your saying. I've always had that need to be needed, and yes when I first started with this girl I wanted to be her hero. I dont think I'm qualified for that role right now. Not to worry, I will do the right thing.
nittygritty Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Nitty, A side note on Austin. The friends that I would call "drinking buddies", are a group of guys from the yacht club, and we race boats together. Austin's Dad owns 2 of the yachts we race. He works a little bit as a model, so he is always flying to NYC, but otherwise he pretty much just plays. About 1 year back he had a girlfriend (amanda) that he was only kind of into. He cheated on her a couple of times so they were on and off (actually that describes every relationship I've ever seen him in). Anyway, so at one point his GF tell him that she is madly in love with me. Now she never even gave me a hint of this, and I think she was just trying to hurt him... but it wound up causing an issue for a few weeks. So with that in mind I did ask him last night while we were out what he intended to do. To spare the graphic details he basically stated that he has a milf fantasy. I asked him if his choice in women had anything to do with the amanda situation... he said maybe a little. To me that means more like maybe a lot. I told him that he can do what he wants, but if it turns out bad I will kick his arse. You should probably tell Amanda what he said about her and his MILF fantasy when you end it. It sounds like your going to do the right thing.
Grim Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 ok she stayed over, u ever think she might have been tryin to show him she was happy and had moved on, but new u would react badly so was trying to figure to many things out, and was confusin herself. i love seeing my ex right now because i am the person we were when we met, not the wreck he turned me into, and my toyboy says im a milf and a yummy mummy. he is eye candy and it works for us. well unless someone else is nasty to me, then i remember wat i have got, then i just get it on with him and feel better. not everyone can handle lifes crap.
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