Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ive been on this board for a while and this is the first thread I have started. I am really just looking for some opinions here. So here is the deal. Ive been seeing this woman for about 6 months and she is sweet, funny, and intelligent. She also has a 6 yo little girl from a previous relationship, which is something I usually dont like to get involved in. However, I tend to respond to need like a moth to a bug zapper, so I gave this girl a shot. Actually it turned out much better than I expected. I have always been good with kids, and I really like her daughter. Its hard not to have fun when your hanging out with a 6yo! Problem comes in with her ex. They have a kid together and have known each other for nearly 10 years, so I'm not interested in getting in between that. Especially because the guy was emotionally and physically abusive. So basically I just ask that she be 100% open and honest with me about her interactions with him. About a month ago she spent the night at his place and didnt tell me about it. Now I'm pretty darn shure she didnt do anything, but I dont really care. So, I informed her that I am no longer interested in having an exclusive relationship. She cried, and cried, says Im the best thing that has ever happend to her, that she was going to tell me about it... ect. I kind of got upset and told her we are just going to be friends. She contacts me between 3 and 10 times a day, and we are still intimate. However, I have started dating another girl (nothing physical yet). Which I have been open with her about. My buddy says that I should just completely dump her, so that she can get over me. I feel that as long as I'm honest about it, I can do whatever. Now for the sake of brevity Ive put in only the most pertinent info.
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You should completely dump her. Or....crazy thought....you could forgive her. What you're doing now is punishing her. It sounds like you both have some issues. She's not going to come out of a 10 year relationship with an abusive guy and just be magically ok. She really should see a therapist and figure out why she hasn't separated herself emotionally from this guy. You need to figure out if you are really serious about this woman or not. If not, let her go in peace. If so, you need to figure out why you want to hurt her.
DanielMadr Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Was it snowstorm that she had to spend night at his place? Or any other reasonable explanation? Dump her. And yes you are being a jerk. Just get lost and dont feed any false hope in her. You can take it on you, making an azz of yourself for her not to feel bad like saying something that you have erectile problems and need to visit Nepal or something. I agree with jcster.
bish Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ive been on this board for a while and this is the first thread I have started. I am really just looking for some opinions here. So here is the deal. Ive been seeing this woman for about 6 months and she is sweet, funny, and intelligent. She also has a 6 yo little girl from a previous relationship, which is something I usually dont like to get involved in. However, I tend to respond to need like a moth to a bug zapper, so I gave this girl a shot. Actually it turned out much better than I expected. I have always been good with kids, and I really like her daughter. Its hard not to have fun when your hanging out with a 6yo! Problem comes in with her ex. They have a kid together and have known each other for nearly 10 years, so I'm not interested in getting in between that. Especially because the guy was emotionally and physically abusive. So basically I just ask that she be 100% open and honest with me about her interactions with him. About a month ago she spent the night at his place and didnt tell me about it. Now I'm pretty darn shure she didnt do anything, but I dont really care. So, I informed her that I am no longer interested in having an exclusive relationship. Well damn right. What is she doing spending the night somewhere? And was this after going out to clubs or bars? I don't blame you a bit dude. Never ignore the classic warning signs or your gut instinct. She cried, and cried, says Im the best thing that has ever happend to her, that she was going to tell me about it... ect. I kind of got upset and told her we are just going to be friends. The fact that she said she was going to tell you about it and didn't tells me something was inappropriate. She contacts me between 3 and 10 times a day, and we are still intimate. However, I have started dating another girl (nothing physical yet). Which I have been open with her about. My buddy says that I should just completely dump her, so that she can get over me. Hes right. But you need to completely dump her not because of what he said, not so she can get over you, but because she was hiding something and more than likely messing around.
bish Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You should completely dump her. Or....crazy thought....you could forgive her. What you're doing now is punishing her. . hes not punishing her. He told her he is no longer interested in an exclusive relationship with her and said they are just going to be friends. He was honest and upfront.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You said you want to be just friends because she slept at her ex's and you're "pretty darn sure nothing happened". Did you ask why she slept there - what was the circumstance etc? I mean, i suppose if there's more to it and this is a reoccurring situation, you are probably better off moving on.. but I agree with jc, sounds like you "grounded" her for doing a bad thing. Don't keep her on the **** rope if you are just going to screw her over "eventually".
Arizona100 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yes, you are being a jerk, it doesn't mean you are a bad person though, don't get me wrong. Please don't try to keep her around you, just tell her "it's over, I don't want to date you anymore" because she NEEDS to hear it. It requires balls to say it and it's so much better than the "I need a break" or "lets see other people" thing. Imo she was way wrong to spend the night at his place. I would be very upset about it. So you're right about that. End it clean, even if you intend on forgiving her and getting back with her. If you do intend on getting back with her, I would not say so because you wouldnt be sure about it and that would only make her hope. Hope is a bitch.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Ok, a little further info. She broke up with the guy nearly 4 years back, and he is supposedly a new man, although he is still mentally abusive. Always telling her she is a bad mom and so on. They have a functional relationship based around the daughter. He lives about 2 hours away from her, so it is a bit of a drive. On the night in particular it was a group of thier friends over at his house, and she was not the only one who spent the night. A mutual friend was telling me about the party... actually more like a play date/sleepover. Anyway, the issue is not that she spent the night at this guys place, but that she 1. didnt tell me in advance and 2. didnt tell me after. Thats not really the kind of person I want to be with long term. So, yeah I'm not serious about her at all. But, Ive been honest about all that. So, I dont feel like Im stringing her along. Actually I just figured that my friend was telling me Im a jerk and to dump her straight out because he wants to be her rebound guy. Some of my friends are like sharks, and I dont want to see her get passed around like a party favor. She isnt very good at controlling her emotions, she falls fast and hard.
Arizona100 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Well yes, she should have told you. The way you explain things I understand better though, its not as bad but it's a trust breaker for me also. You still need to call it, be firm. About what your friend intends on doing to her, that's pretty f*cked up... I am not sure what to say about it.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 1. didnt tell me in advance and 2. didnt tell me after. Yeah, you're not married though or nothin. I don't think it was a big deal - would it have been a big deal if she slept anywhere and she didn't tell you, or just because it was a guy/x? it's not like they were havin a candlelight dinner lol, they probably still have mutual friends, and were just hanging out. It is possible you know. I mean if you can't handle it or don't really like the girl and used this as an out then so be it, but otherwise, think about it. And didn't you say you told her you just wanted to be friends, but then said you were still "intimate"? Is it a f!ck buddy situation or something? If that's the case, and the girl is kind of wreck, you are just asking for trouble. For your own good, end it, otherwise you're just gonna screw the poor girl up even more for the next schlep that comes along. bradford
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Well yes, she should have told you. The way you explain things I understand better though, its not as bad but it's a trust breaker for me also. You still need to call it, be firm. About what your friend intends on doing to her, that's pretty f*cked up... I am not sure what to say about it. I read something from you a while back. Arent you in a similar situation? How do you feel about a physical only relationship?
Art_Critic Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You need to listen to your Buddy and dump her..but do it nicely.. You are leading her on.. and..... You will screw up the new relationship with the other girl over this one...and any others that happen to form.. Thereby you will be performing a version of shooting yourself in the foot over getting some from a FWB
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yeah, you're not married though or nothin. I don't think it was a big deal - would it have been a big deal if she slept anywhere and she didn't tell you, or just because it was a guy/x? it's not like they were havin a candlelight dinner lol, they probably still have mutual friends, and were just hanging out. It is possible you know. I mean if you can't handle it or don't really like the girl and used this as an out then so be it, but otherwise, think about it. And didn't you say you told her you just wanted to be friends, but then said you were still "intimate"? Is it a f!ck buddy situation or something? If that's the case, and the girl is kind of wreck, you are just asking for trouble. For your own good, end it, otherwise you're just gonna screw the poor girl up even more for the next schlep that comes along. bradford Well I considered just waiting a month and seeing if she tells me, or ignoring/forgiving, but I'm not really a 3 strikes person, its more like 1 strike. I know her contact with the ex is just because she wants her daughter to know her dad. The thing is she obviously isnt comfortable telling me about that or sharing that part of her life. She knew ahead of time that I dont put up with games. I have not really had good experiences with bieng "nice" to women. I suppose I will have to cut the physical contact, but its the emotional stuff that is going to make this hard on her. Freakin A. I wanted to make her life better...
Lizzie60 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I don't think you're being a jerk... You are honest with her... she knows where you stand so if she accepts to see you... it's her choice, she's old enough to know what she wants. But for her to spend the night at her ex, especially if it's a 2 hour drive.... is no big deal... I bet she didn't do anything with him... so it's also your prerogative to chose the kind of relationship you want with her... she just have to say no if she doesn't agree.. simple. I think you're being honest... good for you.
Arizona100 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I read something from you a while back. Arent you in a similar situation? How do you feel about a physical only relationship? How do I feel about it? How about hell no, thanks but I'll have to pass.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 How do I feel about it? How about hell no, thanks but I'll have to pass. I wasnt exactly offering.
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Jerky action #1: You made her think that you changed your relationship to non-committed because she didn't tell you she stayed at her ex's house. But, in reality, your "not that into her." Jerky action #2: You know that she falls "fast and hard" and that she's more into the relationship than you are, and you are still having sex with her while you work on girl #2. Jerky action #3: You're cock-blocking your friend, who IS into her, just so that you can continue to get some. 3 strikes ...you're a jerk!
Arizona100 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I wasnt exactly offering. uh uh not to worry big boy, I just read your history
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Jerky action #1: You made her think that you changed your relationship to non-committed because she didn't tell you she stayed at her ex's house. But, in reality, your "not that into her." Jerky action #2: You know that she falls "fast and hard" and that she's more into the relationship than you are, and you are still having sex with her while you work on girl #2. Jerky action #3: You're cock-blocking your friend, who IS into her, just so that you can continue to get some. 3 strikes ...you're a jerk! #1... What can I say? I'd rather not get burned, so I hold back. Maybe its a character flaw, maybe a strength. I take it you view this as a flaw? Maybe I should make myself more emotionally availabe, but that also makes me so much more vulnerable. Until I really know a girl I just dont put myself out there like that. I really did like her. #2, Yeah, I'm having a little bit of trouble with this myself. Its really why I posted. Kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I want to help her out... I was previously considering buying a house and letting her rent it real cheap. Maybe I should do that and cut off the physical stuff, see what happens in a couple of months. #3, For good reason. My friend is the king of the 1 night stand. When he dumped his last GF after she caught him cheating, he told her that she was crap in bed, so he had to... and that if she would have the same problem with any guy, so she might as well just stay with him. Guy is a hoot to hang out with, but I dont want to go near his personal life.
annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 #1... What can I say? I'd rather not get burned, so I hold back. Maybe its a character flaw, maybe a strength. I take it you view this as a flaw? Maybe I should make myself more emotionally availabe, but that also makes me so much more vulnerable. Until I really know a girl I just dont put myself out there like that. I really did like her. #2, Yeah, I'm having a little bit of trouble with this myself. Its really why I posted. Kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I want to help her out... I was previously considering buying a house and letting her rent it real cheap. Maybe I should do that and cut off the physical stuff, see what happens in a couple of months. #3, For good reason. My friend is the king of the 1 night stand. When he dumped his last GF after she caught him cheating, he told her that she was crap in bed, so he had to... and that if she would have the same problem with any guy, so she might as well just stay with him. Guy is a hoot to hang out with, but I dont want to go near his personal life. #1, I don't think that makes you a jerk. I think we all do it to a certain exetent. We'll stick with some one that we aren't totally into yet to see if it could turn into to something more serious. But when something like what she did happens you decide its not worth the effort. Its pretty normal I think. #2, Although I don't think you are a jerk for this, it is something I believe you should stop doing. Even though you may tell her there is no chance of you getting back together, any sort of physical or emotional attention you give her, makes her think otherwise. Its best for both of you if you end the "friends with benefits" situation. Also, don't rent her the house. That would be a bad idea. Not only would it "giver her hope," but it would stick in a financial situation with some one out of guilt. Bad situation to be in. #3, I see no problem with you not wanting her to get even more hurt. I think the best you can do is warn her about his intentions and hope she makes the right choice. You can't hold yourself responsible for other people's actions and choices.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 How old are you? Nirvana was my favorite band in Junior High, I got kicked out of the movie Titanic in high school, and I did some work on the human genome project in college. In short, Im old.
Arizona100 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 What the hell lol ... I was in highschool, I think, when nirvana was big and I don't consider myself old .. By the way, you say you don't like games but you are playing games on her atm. Anyway, break up with her, tell us how it went.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 How old are you? What the hell lol ... I was in highschool, I think, when nirvana was big and I don't consider myself old .. By the way, you say you don't like games but you are playing games on her atm. Anyway, break up with her, tell us how it went. I really hate to burst your bubble, but your dirty old. Just like me. Sunrise Medical makes a great walker, and I highly recomend Life Alert if you live alone! Never know when the ol' hip will go out and leave you on the floor and unable to get back up. Art, nice guess, Im right in the middle.
Recommended Posts