annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 So, I have been dating this guy for a few months now and even though in the beginning I wasn’t seeing him as having long term potential I had been slowing coming around. He was really very sweet and made me feel really good at first. I liked him a lot and things were going great, until the last few weeks. First there was the incident where he asked how much money I made and then got upset and said it made him feel uncomfortable because I made twice as much as he did. I actually felt bad about it, even though I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. After that I tried to avoid talking about my job and even let him pay for almost everything, because he suddenly felt insulted if I offered to pick up the bill for lunch. This was my first red flag, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Next I ran into a situation that I couldn’t just sweep under the rug and work past. In my past I reached a certain degree of notoriety on the internet and in certain sport circles. Although I have since stepped down and like to keep my private life private, there was a time when there was a lot about me posted on the internet. I had discussed it with him when we first started dating and since he was not involved in that certain sport, he had never heard of me and did not know where he could find information about me. My actual name, was not the name I use to play under and I did not give him my player name and asked that he not try to find it. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide anything from him, but I had more than one relationship crash and burn because of the involvement of certain people on the circuit and I did not want that to be an issue now. Eventually I would have told him whatever he wanted to know, but at such an early stage I didn’t not want to have to address that issue. Well, one day last week I went to his place for lunch and asked if I could use his computer to check my email. He said yes and I went upstairs to use it on my own. As I started to enter the website address the auto fill came up and it was a website that I use to be heavily involved with. When I clicked the drop down arrow I could see that it had every link to every article, blog entry or thread posted about me. I then started checking other sites that had written about me and saw that he had been to them all. While I was doing that, he interrupted me and saw what I was looking at. I simply said to him, “So….you’ve been reading about me?” He said, “No. I surf the net a lot. I have no idea why those sites are there.” I couldn’t believe he was lying to me right to my face. I left right after that and returned to work. It was at that point I suddenly realized what had been happening over the last few weeks. He had all the sudden started asking me a lot of questions about my past like, “Have you ever …..” and things such as that. It lead to a lot of really deep personal conversations that I wasn’t necessarily ready for yet. I thought it was because he was so intuitive and really “knew” me. I now knew it was because he was reading my life story on the internet and then manipulating me into conversation about it. I felt sick. He called me that night and finally confessed to what he was doing. He even admitted that he was essentially “quizzing me” on my past to see if I would lie to him. I asked if I had and he admitted I had been completely upfront about everything. What makes me mad is not that he looked up and read all that stuff about me (its my fault not his that there is so much gossip and rumors floating around online about my personal life), its that he hid it form me and then used it to manipulate me into talking about things. I don’t trust him now. If he had done it and then just told me that he had fallen to curiosity and did it, I would have been annoyed that he had gone against my wishes but I would have gotten over it and then we could have had an honest discussion and I would have answered any questions he had. I wasn’t trying to hide my past from him, I just didn’t want to have to address a bunch of stupid rumors and speculations about my life so early in the relationship. It wasn’t even the act of what he did that has me upset, it was the lies and manipulation that make me think its time to let him go. And ….. then onto strike three. Saturday night, he had offered to watch my daughter for me while I went out to a birthday dinner for a co-worker. We were already on shaky ground because of what happened earlier in the week, but he was doing his best to try to make up for it and I wasn’t ready just yet to write him off. As I dropped off my daughter on the way to meet my friends I was wearing a rather conservative shirt (no cleavage showing) and a pair of jeans with some new shoes I had just gotten. He looked at my shoes and said, “Awful sexy shoes to be wearing when you are going out with out your boyfriend.” I just laughed because I thought he was kidding. He then said, “Looks to me like you are trying to get guys to look at you.” Once I realized he wasn’t kidding, I was dumbstruck. I was dressed really conservatively. I hardly think the sandals I was wearing constituted that kind of a comment. So, now I am left with the realization that he is just extremely insecure and is prone to bouts of jealousy and controlling behavior. I don’t think he is a bad guy, I just think he needs some more time to recover from his failed marriage. It makes me feel really bad because I thought our relationship had potential, but there are just too many red flags too soon. My friends are telling me I should just dump him and not care about how it hurts him because of how he has been acting, but I don’t want to. I do care and I don’t want to crush him. Can any one tell me the best way to handle this with out devastating him?
Brad_from_NJ Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Can any one tell me the best way to handle this with out devastating him? So I guess by your question you are trying to find the right way to end things?
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I think you've read the situation correctly. He's intimidated by you, and is trying to control you. I don't think there's any way to dump him without hurting his feelings, and it usually makes it worse if you try. Have you tried talking to him about his insecurity? That might be a good lead up to the break up.
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 So I guess by your question you are trying to find the right way to end things? Yes. I think I need to end things now, but i'm not sure how to do it without devistating him. I'm the first woman he has tried to seriously date since his marriage ended. Is there a nice way to end things?
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 I think you've read the situation correctly. He's intimidated by you, and is trying to control you. I don't think there's any way to dump him without hurting his feelings, and it usually makes it worse if you try. Have you tried talking to him about his insecurity? That might be a good lead up to the break up. We're kind of in holding pattern right now. He knows I am not happy with what has happened and that I need time to think it all over. My friends say I am being to nice by worrying about hurting him. I don't think I am. Just becasue he did something wrong, doesn't mean he deserves to be crucified. He let his insecurities get the best of him. Hopefully he'll learn from this. Other than dealing wiht the actual event, I haven't had a talk about his insecurities yet. That discussion will probably come into play when I end things. I'm not sure how to approach it.
DanielMadr Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yes. I think I need to end things now, but i'm not sure how to do it without devistating him. I'm the first woman he has tried to seriously date since his marriage ended. Is there a nice way to end things? "I dont think we are compatible. Chemistry you know. We should end it. You were really sweet and nice to me and I hope we stay friends." Few suggestions for future: Dont spill your guts on internet. When someone drops the L-bomb and you dont bombard him back, stop wasting his time and feelings and find someone else. Desperate guys in love with you will eventually make something (jealousy, gossip collecting....) to strike themselves out. Dont let them sweat on the field when you know they cant win anyway. Make clear who you are and what you want.
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 When someone drops the L-bomb and you dont bombard him back, stop wasting his time and feelings and find someone else. Desperate guys in love with you will eventually make something (jealousy, gossip collecting....) to strike themselves out. Dont let them sweat on the field when you know they cant win anyway. I disagree with this. Just becasue I wasn't ready to drop the "L bomb" after dating for a few weeks, doesn't mean I should have dumped him. I told him it was too soon for me and I wanted to take things slow and he was OK with it. Things were going great between us and I was developing real feelings for him. Isn't that how a relationship is suppose to develop? You're not leading some one on just becasue it isn't love at first sight. The good lasting relationships seem to be the ones that start out slowly and develop over time.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 annabelle, What did you used to do on the internet? Or dare I ask? Don't people understand that internet crap never goes away? Anyway, this guy so very clearly cannot handle you, and you obviously deserve a normal guy, and this guy is not one of them. Why would you even put up with this for a second? I mean seriously, the guy has issues, you saw that with the first red flag. Is it that hard to find a normal guy these days? As for what you can do, I'm not sure. The latest flag is particularly alarming - and hints to perhaps some psycho-behavior if you cut him off completely. But, it's gotta be done. Sooner than later. bradford
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 annabelle, What did you used to do on the internet? Or dare I ask? Don't people understand that internet crap never goes away? Anyway, this guy so very clearly cannot handle you, and you obviously deserve a normal guy, and this guy is not one of them. Why would you even put up with this for a second? I mean seriously, the guy has issues, you saw that with the first red flag. Is it that hard to find a normal guy these days? As for what you can do, I'm not sure. The latest flag is particularly alarming - and hints to perhaps some psycho-behavior if you cut him off completely. But, it's gotta be done. Sooner than later. bradford I'll never tell ......... I've learned my lesson on allowing my personal life to go public. Bad enough having people I had never met speculating and printing rumors about why my marriage ended, the last thing I need to have new relationships starting with all that crap. I stepped beck because of my daughter. I didn't want her having to deal with it. I know. I thought he was normal and perhaps under different circumtances he would be. His former wife did a real number on him and I believe it is just going to take him some more time to recover.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I'll throw in an off-setting opinion. "Hi, I used to be a major player but trust me, I've changed".
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I'll never tell ......... I've learned my lesson on allowing my personal life to go public. Bad enough having people I had never met speculating and printing rumors about why my marriage ended, the last thing I need to have new relationships starting with all that crap. I stepped beck because of my daughter. I didn't want her having to deal with it. I'm not a gossiper, but I am interested in what on god's good earth you did on the internet that would actually make people even CARE about what happened in your life at all. Hehe, my question is that if you used a different name and have no direct affiliation, why are you even spill it to this guy that you had "a past on the internet" that "he shouldn't go searching for" .. I mean seriously, isn't that kind of like saying, "google me please, asap!"? In any case, you might be able to clean up some of the crap on the internet you know, if you know how.
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 I'll throw in an off-setting opinion. "Hi, I used to be a major player but trust me, I've changed". No, no, no. I can see that with out knowing the situation that that could seem like a likely issue, but that wasn't it at all. Most of the rumors were about my ex-husband and how our marriage ended. There was cheating amongst things and alot of people sure had a good time speculating about a ton of other crap. There were aslo some other painful things form my past that people felt they had a right to report and discuss. None of it really makes me look bad, but its a little much to be putting all out there when you are first starting to get to know some one.
DanielMadr Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 No, no, no. I can see that with out knowing the situation that that could seem like a likely issue, but that wasn't it at all. Most of the rumors were about my ex-husband and how our marriage ended. There was cheating amongst things and alot of people sure had a good time speculating about a ton of other crap. There were aslo some other painful things form my past that people felt they had a right to report and discuss. None of it really makes me look bad, but its a little much to be putting all out there when you are first starting to get to know some one. Where the hell do you live? Gossip town? Some evil person made hate pages about you or what?
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Where the hell do you live? Gossip town? Some evil person made hate pages about you or what? I am involved in a professional sport circuit where there are few women. Those that do well, tend to get alot of attention.
DanielMadr Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I disagree with this. Just becasue I wasn't ready to drop the "L bomb" after dating for a few weeks, doesn't mean I should have dumped him. I told him it was too soon for me and I wanted to take things slow and he was OK with it. Things were going great between us and I was developing real feelings for him. Isn't that how a relationship is suppose to develop? You're not leading some one on just becasue it isn't love at first sight. The good lasting relationships seem to be the ones that start out slowly and develop over time. O.K. Then skip to my advice about you needing more "dominant" partners. This one was a wussy and you have to learn to detect them earlier.
DanielMadr Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I am involved in a professional sport circuit where there are few women. Those that do well, tend to get alot of attention. I thought you are proffessional corporate worker not a sportswoman. Do you wrestle?
Lyssa Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I'm sorry but from the first red flag, I really thought he isn't the one for you. If he really loved you the way he said he did, he would have been supportive of your raise and make it work and not make your raise an issue. You worked hard for the raise and you deserved it! He's giving you a hard time about shoes? What's up with that? Plus you're not even wearing anything revealing!!
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 I thought you are proffessional corporate worker not a sportswoman. Do you wrestle? LOL ... No. I'm going to keep it on the down low here if possible. You've probably never heard of me unless you are actually involved in this sport. I consider it my hobby, not my career. I haven't left the circuit entirely, infact I'll be making an appearance at an event next month, but for now I am focusing more on my daughter and my actual career. Eventually I'll re-enter the pro circuit on a more serious level, but for now I am enjoying having a more quiet life.
Author annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 I'm sorry but from the first red flag, I really thought he isn't the one for you. If he really loved you the way he said he did, he would have been supportive of your raise and make it work and not make your raise an issue. You worked hard for the raise and you deserved it! He's giving you a hard time about shoes? What's up with that? Plus you're not even wearing anything revealing!! maybe it was the toe cleavage
Lyssa Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I'm afraid that if you continue seeing him, he would end up being more controlling and for all you know, you won't have a life! You can say "I have given it a thought and I don't think it's working out between us. I need someone that is supportive of me and everything around me. You fell in love with who I am - independent, confident and yet a loving woman. I need someone who will always see me as that and does not feel intimidated by it. What you did was unbelievable. You lied about not reading up on me and that made you very sneaky in my eyes. I cannot be with a person who is sneaky and controlling!" Or something like that. I think at this point, anything you say or how you say it will hurt him nonetheless... seeing that he's already feeling sorry for himself that he's not making the same or more than you. He's probably intimidated at how attractive you are as well...
Brad_from_NJ Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Is there a nice way to end things? No. Just end it, without any chance of "being friends" or "taking a break" or any nonsense like that. Just move on. It hurts, but it is the best way to deal with it.
DanielMadr Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 LOL ... No. I'm going to keep it on the down low here if possible. You've probably never heard of me unless you are actually involved in this sport. I consider it my hobby, not my career. I haven't left the circuit entirely, infact I'll be making an appearance at an event next month, but for now I am focusing more on my daughter and my actual career. Eventually I'll re-enter the pro circuit on a more serious level, but for now I am enjoying having a more quiet life. I knew it. It has to be a wrestling Maybe shooting or golf. I f you mind send me message so I can start some gossip here in my country. Hey you can be famous in EU;)
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I think I would do the same in your situation and end things. There are too many red flags. I think the best way to end any relationship is just to be upfront and do it quickly and directly. Try to avoid white lies, criticism, or lengthy explanations, just say that you aren't feeling that connection anymore and want to move on. It's better to be direct and decisive than try to "spare his feelings" - if you do the latter, he may later feel you lied about your reasons for ending it.
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 My friends say I am being to nice by worrying about hurting him. I don't think I am. Just becasue he did something wrong, doesn't mean he deserves to be crucified. The nice thing to do is break up with him immediately, in a polite but firm way. The nasty thing to do would be to string him along, hiding your real feelings and wasting his time. You have to think of the long-run effect on his feelings - it'll be much worse if you string things out than if you break up quickly & honestly. Also, is it really just your concern for his feelings that is making you reticent? Or is part of it your wish to avoid confrontation and the negative emotions you may have to deal with when you dump him? If so, then resist the temptation to be a bit of a coward - call the guy and end it.
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