bish Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Well everyone here probably knows my story by now. Getting divorced, not very fond of cheaters and people who sleep with married people. Well, my divorce isn't final yet, but my stbex is already, and has been, with someone else for a while. And I've had a couple interested women already, but I'm just not interested in dating until everything is said and done. Too busy with work and other things to be thinking about starting a new R. Anyway, I've always said, there is no way I'll ever be a cheater and the OW/OM always say that you can never say never thinking one will never become an OM/OW. Well a woman that I am very interested in expressed interest in me. Only one problem. She is married. I simply told her that if she wasn't married that I'd make a run at her. She tells me how unhappy she is in her marriage, and I don't doubt her knowing what her husband is like. This conversation took place at the local bar and grill with a group of us that went out Friday after work for some food and fun. I told her that I will not date a married woman. I did tell her that I was highly attracted to her, but that is one thing I will never do. Because for one, it wouldn't be enough for me to get scraps. And two, I know how it feels to be on the bad end of an affair. I didn't like it happening to me and I won't do it to someone else. Also, if she has an affair with me, then whats to say she wouldn't mess around with me? I thought about posting this on the OW/OM forum, but because they don't appreciate someone pointing out the decency of not sleeping with other peoples' spouses, I decided to post it here. So it was just too bad because I would have liked to have dated her, but being married and showing me that she is definitely capable of cheating...I had to tell her it wasn't going to happen. Where is the nearest shower??? Crank up the cold water!
Hestia Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 That's a good attitude bish, I'm happy to know that there are people like you. And I agree, seeing that she doesn't have problems in cheating her husband is a big alarm sign. Don't beat yourself up over this, you did the right thing.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 During my separation, I went out with friends a lot. I was asked out by many men but explained that I wouldn't be available to date until I was officially divorced. The responses varied from I respect that to are you kidding me just a friendly dinner there is nothing wrong with that! There's a way to weed out people quickly! My H was dating but it didn't feel right to me. I was actually just learning to communicate with men as an unmarried woman. The biggest thing was that I was just learning what I might be looking for in a man. In my opinion the married woman has passed the line as to what is acceptable. If a married man expressed his attraction to me then regardless of how I felt about him, it would be a deal breaker. I know that its a great feeling to be desired but even as a separated woman I never went there! There was one guy I met during that period that I would run into every now and then. Never exchanged numbers only a brief explanation of the D and the final date. He completely respected that. I did keep my fingers crossed that he would still be around and it gave me an oportunity to watch him interact with others. When reconcilliation took place (and I realize that that isn't happening for you) I had no one to apolligize to. Decent posts are always welcome here, and IMO so are allumni!
SueBee3490 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I'm also happy to know there are men like you. I was beginning to feel down about men in general thinking they all cheat (or in your case it would have been "helping" the woman to cheat!) When I was dating my current husband (and unaware that he was cheating on me), I was asked out by one man in particuliar at work. I thought he was such a nice guy yet he was unaware that I had a bf (it was still new and long-distance) and he asked me to a college football game because he had season tickets. I told him thanks, but that I was dating someone and couldn't go. He said ok and never asked me out again. This guy has since left my place of employment and when I think back now, if I'd knew then what I know now (as far as that my bf was a cheater), I may have just broken up with him and dated this guy. But I stuck to my guns and felt it was wrong to betray him. How stupid of me.
Chinook Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 It's a pity more people don't think as clearly as this before things get out of hand. Good actions there on your part Bish and you're right, why would you want the scraps, not to mention all the emotional upheaval.
justice Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Bish, it does my heart good to know that there are decent people in the world like you still yet. I respect and admire what you did. Thanks for reaffirming my belief in the goodness that is still out there somewhere.
norajane Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 That's how it's supposed to work, bish. It's not that hard, is it? Nip it in the bud, don't allow yourself to think "this situation is different", and respect yourself enough to expect more than crumbs. You don't even have to respect anyone else's marriage or the sanctity of marriage or morality or anything - just respect YOURSELF and it's not so hard to walk away from someone who would make you the dirty little secret in their lives.
silktricks Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I'd say congratulations, but I don't honestly feel congrats are in order, more just an affirmation of respect. You did the right thing, the only thing that you could have done and still be you. (But I am happy that you did do that thing!) BTW, did you get custody of your kids?
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Nicely done Bish. Best to stay far away from this one until/if she becomes a free woman. While married, since I worked in an environment full of very charming men, most of whom were either married or in some form of committed relationship, it would have been easy to hook up with one them. Not my thing and will never be my thing. I can't imagine anyone wanting sloppy seconds of any kind.
mental_traveller Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Did you think of asking her to divorce? If she's unhappily married, that doesn't mean you can't eventually get together. Just means she has to act on her feelings and end her sham marriage, before she acts on any interest she might have.
Author bish Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I'd say congratulations, but I don't honestly feel congrats are in order, more just an affirmation of respect. You did the right thing, the only thing that you could have done and still be you. (But I am happy that you did do that thing!) BTW, did you get custody of your kids? No, I didn't get custody. I was happy to pay support. My oldest boy probably would like to be with me. But my youngest, at 2, would probably be devastated if he wasn't with his mom everyday. and I'm not going to split the brothers up. But now I wish I had gone for custody. She has a real loser staying the night with them and will probably be moving in. I don't care if she has someone else or even has a live in bf, but this guy...I can see him hitting her(which I know it sounds bad, but i don't care), possibly being mean to the boys, and possibly having drugs in the apt. If I find out any of that is the case, I'll go back to court and fight tooth and nail. I told her this too, she asked, "is that a threat?"...I said, "no...that is an action in the best interest of my children if you let in bad elements".
Author bish Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Did you think of asking her to divorce? No I didn't want to ask her that because there wasn't anything hot and heavy between us and I wasn't going to let it happen. I had misgivings about seeing a woman that was married in the first place, let alone thinking, "if she is like this with her husband, whats to say she won't go out and try to hook up with another guy if she were with me?" If she's unhappily married, that doesn't mean you can't eventually get together. Just means she has to act on her feelings and end her sham marriage, before she acts on any interest she might have. True, I'd love to hook up with her, but it won't be because I was the cause of it. If she gets divorced because she can't take it anymore, that is one thing...but if she gets divorced because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side...then I don't feel good about it. But man what a body...it was hard to turn it down! But with my past experience with women and the soon-to-be-ex-bit...ahem...wife, my big head is doing the thinking rather than the little one....well...not so little one anyway...*evil grin*
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Bish, have you thought about telling this woman's husband about her hitting on you? He should know what he has at home. About your boys, are they both yours? Make sure the oldest tells you what's happening at your ex's house, I know you don't want them there, I somehow think your wife would subject them to danger, like drug use, or someone who beats her, and them, just to spite you, she sounds truely twisted to me!
Author bish Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Bish, have you thought about telling this woman's husband about her hitting on you? You know I thought about that myself. But since nothing happened, I didn't feel it would have been my place. I did tell her it wasn't right of her to be doing what she is doing. She agreed, but just said she has liked me for a long time. About your boys, are they both yours? Yes, I swabbed them both and they are both mine...thank god!!! Make sure the oldest tells you what's happening at your ex's house When he is old enough to understand, I will have him tell me if they have drugs there or anything like that. But other than that, it isn't right to turn your kid into an informant on the other parent. But if drugs are involved, then different story. As far as anything else, my oldest will tell me on his own, I won't have to pry him for info, and I won't do that to him.
lostboy60645 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 It's something I'm learning about every day in my recovery, Bish. I know you, like most people, are repulsed by cheaters. My cheating was with prostitutes, online webcamming with strangers, and by masturbating incessantly to internet porn. It's a great reminder for me that the married gals who flirt with me who know that I'm getting a divorce are ones to steer clear from for sure. You hit the nail on the head, regarding the notion of the shoe on the other foot. If you saw this woman down the line and she were fully divorced, and you started a new relationship, it seems perfectly realistic that she could cheat on you. Thanks for your thoughtful input. I'm aware there's a lot of emotion there. We all have that. It's the cheaters, I find, that choose to ignore/suppress those emotions with their 'acting out' in hurtful ways to themselves and others. Best to you and the kids, Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 No I didn't want to ask her that because there wasn't anything hot and heavy between us and I wasn't going to let it happen. I had misgivings about seeing a woman that was married in the first place, let alone thinking, "if she is like this with her husband, whats to say she won't go out and try to hook up with another guy if she were with me?" True. Just keep letting her know that you ain't gonna touch her as long as she's married...And, definately don't spend time with her one on one... True, I'd love to hook up with her, but it won't be because I was the cause of it. If she gets divorced because she can't take it anymore, that is one thing...but if she gets divorced because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side...then I don't feel good about it. Yeah, but chances are, you're not going to know which is which... But man what a body...it was hard to turn it down! But with my past experience with women and the soon-to-be-ex-bit...ahem...wife, my big head is doing the thinking rather than the little one....well...not so little one anyway...*evil grin* I was gonna say, which is the bigger head?? No, I didn't get custody. I was happy to pay support. My oldest boy probably would like to be with me. But my youngest, at 2, would probably be devastated if he wasn't with his mom everyday. and I'm not going to split the brothers up. I hope your STBXW allows you alot of visitation. Or is it shared custody? Anyway, I hope she has the kids best interest and puts them first... But now I wish I had gone for custody. She has a real loser staying the night with them and will probably be moving in. I don't care if she has someone else or even has a live in bf, but this guy...I can see him hitting her(which I know it sounds bad, but i don't care), possibly being mean to the boys, and possibly having drugs in the apt. See, that's way too soon for her to have a guy sleep over. It's just wrong! Kids need time to adjust, and having a new guy around is just going to confuse and upset them. Let alone this guy since you say he's a big loser and into drugs. Maybe talk to your oldest son, to tell you if he feels uncomfortable with the new guy in the house, if he does anything weird, if he's mean or rude etc... IF that guy hits your ex, and keeps him around, that is grounds to have the kids with you as she is putting their lives in danger. If I find out any of that is the case, I'll go back to court and fight tooth and nail. I told her this too, she asked, "is that a threat?"...I said, "no...that is an action in the best interest of my children if you let in bad elements". Good. No judge will side with her as she was the one who cheated, made poor decisions when reguarding the safety and wellbeing (well being? can't remember if that is one word or two words).
Author bish Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Good. No judge will side with her as she was the one who cheated, made poor decisions when reguarding the safety and wellbeing (well being? can't remember if that is one word or two words). Documentation with dates and times is the key there. I'll be keeping a journal. If everything is good and I see she isn't letting her crotch do the thinking for her and doesn't let those things in her apartment, I won't rock the boat. But if I was to ever find out he touched my kids, I'm just afraid I'd want to break both of his arms and ankles...and that is not something I am just saying either, I've trained for 20 years and it would be all too easy. Self control would have to get the better of me so I don't wind up in jail, so I'd have to have it look like self defense.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 It's so much easier to dial 911 than take a swing....Better outcome. Anyway, let's just hope it never comes down to that. I would hope your ex would end it with the OM and put her kids safety above her desires.
Tomcat33 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well seeing as you are such an advocate against cheaters and simply DESPISE anyone who even fathoms the thought of adultery I am shocked to see you even engage in conversation with a woman who would want to cheat on her H with you if given the chance? Why don't you put all your hard earned animosity and will to protest against ALL IMMORAL to the ultimate test? Tell her what you have told many women on this site, call her the EXACT same names as you call the OW here and call this woman's H and tell him what a degenerate he has for a W? I would expect nothing less from someone so determined such as yourself, who is SO adamant about preaching against cheating. But of course because you can actually see her "hot little body" that actually changes things. LOL what a joke!!! To think you have put down so many women on here, that probably have the same situation as the woman who is hitting on you yet you failed to see that. JUST LOVE how life works itself out sometimes!
Citizen Erased Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 When he is old enough to understand, I will have him tell me if they have drugs there or anything like that. But other than that, it isn't right to turn your kid into an informant on the other parent. But if drugs are involved, then different story. As far as anything else, my oldest will tell me on his own, I won't have to pry him for info, and I won't do that to him. Wow, if only my parents thought like you I really admire your approach to your kids, not splitting them up etc. You are a good man and hopefully you will find a woman who appreciates that.. an unmarried one of course
Author bish Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Well seeing as you are such an advocate against cheaters and simply DESPISE anyone who even fathoms the thought of adultery I am shocked to see you even engage in conversation with a woman who would want to cheat on her H with you if given the chance? Uh...thats why I turned her down......or did you miss that? Why don't you put all your hard earned animosity and will to protest against ALL IMMORAL to the ultimate test? Tell her what you have told many women on this site, call her the EXACT same names as you call the OW here and call this woman's H and tell him what a degenerate he has for a W? Thanks, I just might. I would expect nothing less from someone so determined such as yourself, who is SO adamant about preaching against cheating. Damn, I must have really gotten your goat...seeing as how you are a cheater yourself. But of course because you can actually see her "hot little body" that actually changes things. LOL what a joke!!! Uh, no....I told her no and I wasn't going to mess around with a married woman. Besides...there wasn't really any "offer"...just her being very flirtatious which I did tell her was not appropriate. To think you have put down so many women on here, that probably have the same situation as the woman who is hitting on you yet you failed to see that. Nope, I had the conversation with her that she is not acting appropriately. Sorry cheater TC...you missed your mark. JUST LOVE how life works itself out sometimes! Whatever you say cheater.
Author bish Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Wow, if only my parents thought like you I really admire your approach to your kids, not splitting them up etc. You are a good man and hopefully you will find a woman who appreciates that.. an unmarried one of course Well it sure as hell won't be one like Tomcat. Any man would be asking for trouble dating that one.
Citizen Erased Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well it sure as hell won't be one like Tomcat. Any man would be asking for trouble dating that one. I think you may have struck a nerve there with that one.
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 You know I thought about that myself. But since nothing happened, I didn't feel it would have been my place. I did tell her it wasn't right of her to be doing what she is doing. She agreed, but just said she has liked me for a long time. Yes, I swabbed them both and they are both mine...thank god!!! When he is old enough to understand, I will have him tell me if they have drugs there or anything like that. But other than that, it isn't right to turn your kid into an informant on the other parent. But if drugs are involved, then different story. As far as anything else, my oldest will tell me on his own, I won't have to pry him for info, and I won't do that to him. I thought your oldest was older, "I mean like a teenager"! Yes! Thank God they are both yours!
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Documentation with dates and times is the key there. I'll be keeping a journal. If everything is good and I see she isn't letting her crotch do the thinking for her and doesn't let those things in her apartment, I won't rock the boat. But if I was to ever find out he touched my kids, I'm just afraid I'd want to break both of his arms and ankles...and that is not something I am just saying either, I've trained for 20 years and it would be all too easy. Self control would have to get the better of me so I don't wind up in jail, so I'd have to have it look like self defense. You would be very tempted to do that to your wife, I mean Ex wife as well, for letting that happen to your boys! She would be to blame just as much, because she put them in harms way!
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