ahah2322 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 i went out with my boyfriend and his female hobby friend yesterday. during the course of lunch, she mentioned that my boyfriend smoked. i was never one who condoned smoking. the last time he smoked was during his 17th birthday. what happened was that i just got to know him then and i called him to wish him a great clubbing night with his friend. he then exclaimed that he was smoking, expecting me to be cool about it. subsequently, i slammed down the phone on him and he called me repeatedly after that. i was so mad, i did not talk to him for a long time. on his 18th birthday, he begged to smoke a cigar for some cheap thrill. we went out for drinks so i agreed, thinking that one cigar would not hurt. they are very expensive and he was so excited about it. he bought one and when he started puffing, i started feeling so repulsed by him. he then threw the cigar away. we broke up for a week or so. when he asked me back, he admitted to smoking with his brother because he was 'depressed'. i was quite upset but realise that he wasn't with me then so i accepted that but i made him promise me not to smoke again. he went to thailand with his mom last month and they smoked a cigar. his mom said it over dinner and i was extremely unhappy. so yesterday, i was having lunch with my bf and his female hobby friend (who was much much older than us. I'm 18, bf 19 and she's at least 30ish) My bf specially arranged for me to meet her cos he wants me to know all his friends, et cetera. however, during the course of lunch, she mentioned my boyfriend smoking.... gosh i felt so disgusted. he was trying to act as if nothing happened. anyway, i left them on the pretext of going to the ladies. he kept calling and met up with me elsewhere to explain the situation. instead of apologizing profusely, he was angry that i bailed out on him and that it was disrespectful to do so. he then said that he did not want me controlling him. GAH. the point is he can do anything he wants; smokes et cetera but i don't want to be with him when he engages in such activities because i cannot accept a smoker boyfriend. he then said that he only smoked a special clove cigar when he went on a photo trip with his friends. i really don't believe him. i just find it hard to believe him. is the problem him or me? am i too controlling? i don't control anything in any other ways.... i never restrict him or stop him from doing anything because i don't mind but this smoking issue really affects me.... my interest level can just drop to 0 upon finding out that he smokes.... he said that if that was the case, it meant that i did not really love him and that my love was superficial.... we came to an agreement that he will only be allowed to smoke once in 6mths on social occassions.... but i still feel uneasy.... can anyone help? i don't want to be myopic or make a mountain out of a moehill (which he claims.... he says im micromanaging everything BUT IN FACT ITS ONLY THIS. this is a really per peeve. he says i should be cool about once in a while kind of social smoking....) i really need your perspectives. i don't feel i can trust him about this. my mind keeps wandering.... maybe he is a habitual smoker???? oh no.... besides this, he really is a good boyfriend... if you've read my previous posts... i don't want this to be another girly tantrum but maybe our values truly clash?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 He has to want to quit before he actually will quit. Harping obviously doesn't work. What else do you think you can do that will make him consider wanting to quit?
Citizen Erased Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Honestly, replace the words "smoking", "smoke", "cigar", "cigarette" etc with either sex or cheat and then you aren't overreacting. You don't have the right to tell him whether he can or can't smoke. Make him afraid of telling you he smokes? If it was porn or him cheating constantly then you have every right to be upset but really he is the one who should have the right to be upset at YOU. And this comes from a fervent non-smoker
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Damn girl, you are way too controlling. You say "the point is he can do anything he wants; smokes et cetera but i don't want to be with him when he engages in such activities because i cannot accept a smoker boyfriend." - Ok, so why did it bother you sooo much when you heard he had a cigarette when not around you? Direct contradiction. Seriously, get over it, is this the way you are going to be every time he does something that you are not ok with? Nobody can deal with that, nobody WANTS to deal with that. You'll just drive him to smoke more. Cause that's what we do - forbidding us is like asking us to do it more. So the best thing you can do is just let it go.. and let it go FAST.
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You forced his smoking underground. I can't say that he was incredibly mature in hiding it from you, but then again, you really don't hesitate to bring out the big guns to get what you want, do you? And......you didn't even know he WAS smoking. At this point, it doesn't impact you at all! I think you're more angry that he defied you, than that he was smoking. You have some serious control issues.
Author ahah2322 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 hey guys, thank you so much for your responses. the general sentiment is that im controlling. however, smoking is akin to cheating to me and i find it unacceptable. i know i cant control him nor stop him and if he wants to do so, i will accept his choice and break off with him. besides, before we got together, one of our relationship fundamentals was no smoking. im really not a controlling individual but smoking really turns me off alot. i know i cant enforce my personal opinion others but it would be crucial to find someone with the same values right? i know i havent been right by trying to 'control' him.... maybe i should just tell him straight out how i feel about it. is it wrong to want a non-smoking boyfriend?
jcster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 is it wrong to want a non-smoking boyfriend? Absolutely not. You have a right to your preference. What you did, though, is take a smoking boyfriend, and try to make him into a non-smoking boyfriend through emotional manipulation. Just remember that you can't change people. People change themselves. When you try too hard to change someone, all you are going to get are lies.
nittygritty Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Since he's aware that you don't want a boyfriend that smokes, he maybe smoking so that you will break up with him. He doesn't have to be the dumper that way. Its interesting that his Mom and female friend both have told you about him smoking. They might not be happy with him dating you, are they somewhat controlling and manipulative as well? No, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to date a non smoker but he doesn't really sound like he's addicted to smoking yet. The bigger issue right now is why do you feel the need to try to control his behavior? Are things in your life feeling out of control?
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 is it wrong to want a non-smoking boyfriend? Well, not in theory. However, I think it's shallow as all hell to break up with someone "who otherwise is a great boyfriend" because he might have a cigarette here and there - from what you say, it's not like he's a pack-a-day or even a one-a-day person. That's just another form of being controlling - in essence your saying "No smokes or no me," now. Not much better if you ask me. Smoking or non-smoking is not a "value", it's an action. Living an honest life, for instance, is a value. Smoking is not, smoking is just something some people do. Hence that means you would have broken up with a person over something they do, not something they are. I would think that in itself is against your values. Because he lights up occasionally does in no way alter a single moral fiber of his being. Just think about it. As long as he doesn't do it in front of you, what's the problem? p.s. a relationship "fundamental" should never be "no smoking, k?" LOL bradford
nittygritty Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 BTW you are young and you should find a man that your more compatible with. Your figuring out what you want from a SO and thats a good thing. I think there may be more relationship problems than just the smoking. Your doing the right thing by ending it IMO.
LuminousZ Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 maybe our values truly clash? I'm also a NON smoker.., a very sensitive one at that. My WIFE knows this about me..., This past weekend I took her to an outdoor (read high humindity = sweaty) concert - after the show we returned to our hotel room together where I quickly turned the shower on and invited her to join me - she claimed she wanted to go grab a quick snack..., She returned several minutes later with a bag of chips alright.., not realizing I could smell the odor of tobacco over the sour cream and onion chips. My first reaction was disgust. (She choose to sneak a smoke rather than splash in the shower with me?! WTF??) However, I choose not to make a big deal out of it, to simply ignore it was easier than a confrontation. She does have redeeming qualities..., the night ended up being one to remember! The point I'm trying to make is If he enjoys smoking (ugggh) there's nothing you can do to change that beyond letting him know how it makes you feel.., Smoking is so unflattering. If this is a deal breaker for you - its best to move on now because this issue is unlikely to go away. Just my $.02
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Lol, it's a just a smoke. Jesus. You naked in the shower probably isn't all that flattering either.
O'Malley Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Lol, it's a just a smoke. Not when you're allergic to it. Smoking is a dealbreaker for me but I don't even attempt to nag or change a smoker; I just don't date them.
LuminousZ Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Cause that's what we do - forbidding us is like asking us to do it more. Lol, it's a just a smoke. Jesus. You naked in the shower probably isn't all that flattering either. bradfords' comments reinforces the message I was trying to convey - if smoking is a deal breaker for you its best to move on now because a smoker thinks "Its just a smoke no big deal" - then they will attack your person.., even if they don't know you. BTW, I'm LOL @ bradford who is obviously projecting his sub par physique.., .
annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 smoking = cheating ? Wow. Let's get a little perspective here. I have a chornic lung illness, so I can't be around people while they smoke. I just avoid them whiel they are doing so and if it became on issue with some one I was dating, I would not expect him to quit just becasue I told him too. It's my issue, not his. Sound slike its a matter of control. You said it yourself that it was "like cheating." Why is it like cheating? Becasue he is defying you. This isn't really about smoking, its about control. You're anrgy that he won't stop doing something you don't like. And I'm sorry but walking out on him and his friend was the equivalent of you throwing a temper tantrum. He had every right to be mad at you.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 bradfords' comments reinforces the message I was trying to convey - if smoking is a deal breaker for you its best to move on now because a smoker thinks "Its just a smoke no big deal" - then they will attack your person.., even if they don't know you. BTW, I'm LOL @ bradford who is obviously projecting his sub par physique.., . Hey I was just joking around man. But you want to play that way, that's fine. I'm sorry you feel threatened because your wife didn't jump head over heels into the shower with you and rather decided to take a stroll to the candy machine for some chips and a smoke. And it's a forum, everyone attacks everyone's person! That's why it's fun, duh! Keep it sleazy, dude! bradford
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