beautifuldisaster Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I met this really great guy who says he's nervous about getting into a relationship again. Apparantly he's been hurt twice pretty badly in the past and is scared he'll get hurt again. A little about us...I'm 36 years old and he's 44. We're both divorced. We've seen each other 4 or 5 times and I am definately smitten. When we're together it's like we're a couple...kissing, hugging and cuddling (no sex although he has tried, too soon for me)....we both agreed that we're very attracted to each other. We always have a great time when we're together, he's very affectionate, sweet and we have lots of laughs. The last time we were together and cuddling, he said "this feels really nice, a little too nice, it makes me nervous." We both agreed we want to take it slow, we've both been hurt, but I want to see him more than once a week and talk more than 5 minutes a day (he calls me, I rarely call him). I want more but I'm afraid I'll scare him off. I told him how I feel. I told him I'm attracted to him and love his company....he said he feels the same about me. I told him I'm looking for a relationship, not just a fling and I don't like dating more than one guy at a time. He told me he's nervous and part of him wants a relationship and part of him wants to run. I just don't know what I should be doing and not doing. I've let him call me because I'm afraid to appear needy which might scare him off. I also feel that he knows how I feel about him, he's got my number, he knows where I live, so if he wants me he'll come to me. Is that what I should be doing? Giving him his space? Letting him come to me? Or should I call him more, try to see him more to prove to him that I really like him ALOT! I would love to hear everyone's advice.....I'm so confused!!
FrequentFlyer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 he's been hurt twice pretty badly in the past and is scared he'll get hurt again. Relax. Don't obsess. Go slow. The ball is in his court (at the moment). You told him how you feel, what more can you do? Anything else would be pushing the issue, and that might send him packing. Just take it easy.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 beautifuldisaster We've all been hurt; whoopty-doo, that's no excuse or justification for anything. You say you want to "take it slow", but do you really? You say you want more. That's a contradiction. Try to let things just develop naturally instead of letting your mind interfere with it's course. If there's going to be more, there will be more; there's no reason to force it or make it happen. If once a week is what's working right now, why mess with a good thing? Don't worry, once will turn into twice etc when the time is right. Like Frequent said, Relax... enjoy it! bradford
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I understand taking it slow, but he gives mixed signals. He called me twice today, I thought that was a good sign...but when I asked him when I was going to see him again he said he's not sure if we should....that he's not ready for a relationship and he doesn't want to lead me on. He said he knows that when we're together we can't keep our hands off each other because we're very attraced to one another, and he doesn't want anything to happen that would lead me on. He's afraid I'll think he wants more when he doesn't right now. He sounds like he's genuinly concerned about hurting me. So, it went from sparks, to taking it slow, to not seeing each other. I'm confused and very sad. I would think he wasn't interested in me except that he calls me when he doesn't have to...he just talks about his day and asks about mine, there's no real reason for the call. What does all this mean? He says he's very attracted to me, that I'm such a great person, that he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me....so what is going on?
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Sounds like he likes you and is keeping the door open but is confused because of he's past. Sounds like he is not fully over he's ex girlfriends which is why he is so unsure and confused to take the relationship with you to the next steps. When someone is hurt I think it puts them on the slow spot.
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 So what do I do? Keep talking to him or should I tell him not to call? In a way him calling me is leading me on (even though he said he doesn't want to lead me on)....but then again I'd hate to not have any contact with him and lose him. I'm feeling really strongly about this guy, I don't know him well enough to be in love, but I definatly feel something and when we're together he seems to feel the same way. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Talk to him when he calls and act like an old friend and hope the next time he calls will be him wanting to be with me?...or not take his calls and move on?
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 So what do I do? Keep talking to him or should I tell him not to call? In a way him calling me is leading me on (even though he said he doesn't want to lead me on)....but then again I'd hate to not have any contact with him and lose him. You need to ask yourself what you want from him. Are you happy being he's friend until he figures out what he wants or do you want more from him now? I think this is something you need to discuss with him with what he wants, whats he's options/plans for your relationship.
EIN Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I am sorry to say but at this point on both of your lives, there should be no confusion as to whether you guys want to be together. You said your part and I agree with Sarah that he is kinda hiding around the bushes about his feelings and not wanting to hurt you and blah blah blah. Im 26 and its fair to say that we all been hurt but the key is that we know what hurt us so anything you have been doing that does not bring up those memories means that you are doing the right thing so if I was the guy, I would definitely jump on you or miss out on the opportunity. As again, I agree with Sarah, you have to discuss with him and if he beats around the bush, drop him. BTW BlueEyeSarah, your avatar is hot.
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Just go with the flow.. things will fall into its place eventually. No matter how old we are, we'd get hurt, although getting hurt sucks but it will make you a stronger person in the future. I'm sure he has the hots for you but is still hurt and confused with his past. I think you both need more time. Use that time or space to think about what you both really want in life and from each other.
Enthralling Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I say go to him. If you wait around you are only going to drift apart even further. You need to show him you are better than the other woman hes been with in the past so that he can trust you. If you wait he'll think, slowly, that you're just like them.
TerryTeardrop Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I think you should drop him and tell him call you when he is ready for something more meaninful. Dude we all get hurt but I think this guy is wanting a FWB and I dont think you are on the same page. He says he does not want a relationship but his actions show you he is into you. He calls twice a day and when u mention meeting up he flakes. Is he a man or a mouse? Tell him what you want and if he cant offer it then MOVE ON! NEXTTT!!!!!!!!
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. My first instinct is to do what TerryTeardrop says to do because it's so frustrating (plus it sounds like something I'd normally do)....but then when I think about him and how it is when we're together, I start thinking the way Enthralling does...that maybe I need to prove to him I'm not like the rest. The only problem with going to him and trying to prove myself, is that I take the chance of it backfiring and I could just scare him off completely. I agree EIN, we ALL have been hurt and as far as I know I haven't done anything that his last ex did to hurt him. To be honest it's really frustrating to hear "I'm afraid of getting hurt" as an excuse. I was hurt enough for 10 people by my last bf, but I'm not going to let it destroy me or make me give up on the good men. I wasn't sure if he was just using it as an excuse to dump me.....but like I said he still calls to chit chat. I don't know about other people, but when I don't want to be with someone I don't call them to talk about my day. I should also figure out what BlueEyedSarah mentioned...am I happy just being his friend until he figures out what he wants. I suppose if I stay friends, he can see who I truly am and what I'm about, without worrying about getting his heart broken....and like lyssa said, things will fall into place eventually. Thanks again for your opinions and I'd still love to hear more if anyone would like to give them!
bradford Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 beautiful... Well, I would just be straight with the guy. I would just tell him that although you respect his reservations/nervousness, you also need to respect yourself. Tell him it's not your job to have to deal with his uncertainty about the situation, and tell him also that you might be one of those things in life that later on he's like, "what if" .. like, "what if I wasn't an idiot at that point in time." Just make it clear that you aren't into playing games, which is what he's doing essentially, and whatever his major malfunction is he might want to think about getting over it. My guess is tho there's someone else in the picture. If he likes you that much, why wouldn't he go for it? Unless he has some serious issues... bradford
Capricciosa Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 That's what it comes down to. Right now, he can't go there. Some people get into the habit of calling to talk about their day because that's what they had in the last relationship. That's what we all want on some level, isn't it? Someone who cares enough to listen to the mundanities of our day? If you like him, hang on but step back. Someone once told me to believe what people tell me. He is saying "I'm not available in the way you want right now." I don't believe there is a third party, simply that he's not ready. And you don't want to convince a guy to be in a relationship with you when he is not ready. But waiting is hell, isn't it. So don't wait around. Have fun with friends, be open to other men, spend quality time with yourself. If it is going to happen with this guy, it will happen when it is right for both of you.
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks Bradford and Capricciosa, I appreciate your input. I do have an update to my situation, and unfortunatly it's not the best. I emailed him on Monday telling him everything that's been going on in my head. I told him that I think he's awesome, that I would never hurt him, and I thanked him for being upfront and honest with me. After all, he could have led me on, slept with me and then dumped me...so I do appreciate him caring enough to not do that to me. I told him that he knows how I feel, so the cards are in his hands now. I also told him that I can't force him or anyone to be with me and I don't have the time or desire to chase anyone, it's either you want me or you don't. That's just the short version of what I sent him, it wasn't as harsh and blunt as it sounds here. Well, he never responded and hasn't called since Monday afternoon (before the email). So now I'm feeling that all he ever wanted was a 'friend with benefit' situation' like TerryTeardrop mentioned. What angers me is that we met on a dating website and he told me he wanted a relationship. I called him on this and he said he thought he was ready, but he ended up getting freaked out and realized he wasn't ready for one after all. Now, people are probably thinking I scared him by being clingy or overbearing, but I hardly ever called him, he called me, and I always waited for him to ask me to go out. When we were on his motorcycle he would reach back and rub my leg and when he'd lay on the couch he'd tell me to move closer to him. So anyways, I still don't understand what happened, but I'm getting over it and I won't contact him again. He knows where I am if he wants me.
bradford Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I called him on this and he said he thought he was ready, but he ended up getting freaked out and realized he wasn't ready for one after all. Now, people are probably thinking I scared him by being clingy or overbearing, but I hardly ever called him, he called me, and I always waited for him to ask me to go out. When we were on his motorcycle he would reach back and rub my leg and when he'd lay on the couch he'd tell me to move closer to him. So anyways, I still don't understand what happened, but I'm getting over it and I won't contact him again. He knows where I am if he wants me. beautifuldisaster Well, sorry to hear it. I can't tell you exactly what happened, but may I ask - why did you never ask him out? Or be the one to just move closer to him on the couch without him having to ask? Guys like that a little initiative, and I hope that him perhaps seeing you as meek and timid did not play a role in his decision to discontinue communications with you. Just telling you so you know - mutual affirmation is key early on in a relationship, as long as they aren't over the top and too much to the point where one person gets scared. But as much as that can scare someone, so can someone who is always too scared to make a gesture on any given day or night. Guys don't always want to have to come to you. Just food for thought, perhaps it'll help you out in the future a bit. That said, I don't think this guy was anything special at all, don't sweat it. It would seem there is an alarming rate of strange guys doing online dating - probably for a reason. bradford
Capricciosa Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 That's a drag, but try not to obsess about it too much (this is coming from a major obsessor, by the way). You did nothing wrong. He thought he wanted something, then couldn't handle it. Happens all the time. It's good that you didn't sleep with him and he didn't force it. That does say something for him. I don't think it was about you being clingy, maybe just a bit too intense in the end for someone not over whatever it is that happened to him last. Do something really nice for yourself right now!! This too shall pass.
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks Bradford. I think what I said came out wrong though. I was just giving examples of how he showed me that he was interested in me, and that it wasn't me being clingy or needy and scaring him off. I did call once in a while, but he usually beat me to it and called me first, and he usually asked me out before I could ask him. I showed him plenty of affection. Like he even said, when we're together we can't keep our hands off each other, and it wasn't always him initiating the touching. I don't know what happened and maybe I never will. I agree that there are LOTS of strange guys doing online dating. I don't know if I would consider him strange, he just has issues he needs to get through. I tried to talk to him about his ex, but he said he didn't want to talk about it, just that she hurt him alot. He told me he was thinking about going to talk to someone (a professional) about his fear of getting hurt. I can't make him talk and I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Soooooo I'm moving on and going on a date tomorrow night with a guy I met a few days ago. I wasn't going to go out with him because I really wanted to keep seeing the guy I really like, but he doesn't seem interested anymore and I don't chase anyone, so onto the next!
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks Capricciosa. Yes it is a drag and I was obsessing, but I'm getting over it. It is good that I didn't sleep with him. I was tempted because I find him so attractive, but when I sleep with someone I need to know that they're not sleeping with anyone else (for emotional and health reasons), and I didn't know him well enough to know that, so I couldn't go through with it...thank God. Thanks for everyone's insight! You guys are awesome!
undecidedgirl Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Aw, you seem like a sweetheart. If this guy couldn't appreciate that, he wasn't worth it anyway. Good luck to you!
Author beautifuldisaster Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Thank you so much undecidedgirl....that made me feel better ) You seem like a sweetheart yourself!
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