Sexless in the Northwest--Is being Honest best?

[lostboy60645]

First off, I freely admit that I'm a cheater and I'm suffering the consequences. My wife has filed for divorce, has put a voluntarily accepted restraining order on me--I never touched her or the kids but said something stupid (If you can't trust me out of the house, how do you trust me in the house?--what a dipsh*t comment...), and she's successfully negotiated keeping the house, receiving generous alimony, in addition to state sanctioned support payments for the kids, and I made an agreement to pay 2/3 of the twins' college education.

 

Apart from the usual emotional comments on this--'you deserve that and worse' and all it's variants, I question what I think is a common mistake by people and invite discussion:

 

The "typical guy" that I know recommends that I 'go back out there and get laid'. The more sophisticated guy I know suggests 'go back out there and have fun'. Both suggest I lie about my past infidelity and take it with me to my grave, even though there are many people out there who know the truth about me.

 

I'm not yet ready for dating, let alone physical intimacy, but I'm lonely. I'm working on my emotional and spiritual recovery, and I've actually committed to a life of sincere sexual sobriety, one day at a time style.

 

While my sponsor in my 12 step group and my therapist have agreed that the only dating and sex I'm to engage in should be congruent with my chosen life of sobriety/spiritual observance, I'd like to hear what people have to say about their successes/failures in post infidelity dating.

 

I believe honesty is the only policy. Do you share the truth about your shameful past with your significant other/prospective SO? This has got to be a tough one at best in a fledgling relationship.

 

I considered putting this post in the Infidelity section, but truly this is more of a dating question that, unfortunately, many of you have faced or may face in the future.

 

What would you want to hear? I can't believe that all cheaters have to continue to lie about their past to start another relationship. And I don't believe that all cheaters who are honest are destined to be terminally single.

 

Thoughts?

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com - contains details of the life I destroyed and the recovery I've found

[Cobra_X30]

Perhaps it would be best to search out another cheater?

[jcster]

I haven't cheated before -sexually, anyway - though I have had an "emotional affair", that was pretty damaging to my marriage.

 

I think that for you, definitely, honesty is the best policy. Yes, you messed up big time, but you are also working very hard to get to the bottom of why, and to make sure that it won't happen again. There aren't too many people that I've met who can say the same things. And, in light of all of your 12 step work, wouldn't it be a shaky situation to go back out in the dating scene, and start a new relationship with a lie?

 

That being said, I don't think you are ready to start dating yet. Divorce is incredibly painful and time consuming. Focusing on meeting someone else at this point in time would be a bad idea. And, just hooking up for sex after you've been married might sound really fun, but it's really not (as you probably found out).

 

Best of luck to you! It sounds like you are doing the very best you can to get your life back together, and you should be commended for it. We all make mistakes in our lives - we have to forgive ourselves and learn from them, and move on. Don't carry this around like an albatross, it won't help anyone.

[Trialbyfire]

I've never cheated on anyone but have been cheated on. With this in mind, I'll give you my perception from the other side of the fence.

 

If someone I became attached to were to divulge a cheating past far into a relationship or if I were to somehow find this out, this would be the end of the relationship. It's better to be upfront and allow the potential partner to decide if they are willing to cleave to someone who made this mistake in the past. If you think about it, hiding past infidelities is similar to cheating in a marriage. You keep your partner blind and continue to control the relationship.