spookie Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I really don't get it. I don't think I'd ever be able to make a 180 as suddenly as my ex seems to have. He went from being kind of a loner, preferring to spend his time quietly, playing games either with me, his best friend, his brother, or by himself, to being a boozing socialite. He didn't like to party and he REALLY didn't like to drink (in fact, he looked down on people who did, and sometimes his distaste put a strain on our relationship because I was slightly less opposed to occasional use of alcohol). Now he's going to parties 3 times a week and having them at his house with his brand-new friends, whom he say "share his aspirations". There are drunken photos of him all over the facebook. He's cut me out, as well as his old best friend, and (mostly) his brother. I just don't get it. I mean, I understand how someone can try out the party life and realize they like it, and that's probably what's happened here, but he seemed so SURE of who he was and what he believed when we were together. And it wasn't this. It's disconcerting to think you know someone only to realize either you didn't or they have changed past recognition. I still miss him so much, but it's the person who doesn't exist anymore I miss. THe guy I thought I was so lucky to have found because we shared the same core, the one I thought would never hurt me for that reason. I remember telling him one time about how awkward I felt at a party I went to with a couple of my friends. Everyone was having fun and laughing (the perfect picture of "college") and I just felt miles away and very lonely. I finished the story with "I just want to be a normal girl" and then I ran to the bathroom and burst into tears. I remember him scooping me up from the floor and telling me that if I was normal, he wouldn't have loved me, and how GRATEFUL I felt at that moment, that there was one person in the world who didn't want me to change. And now... he's gone too. And before he left he made it clear just how much was wrong with me. And I feel so alone and so betrayed.
Northstar1984 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I know *exactly* how you feel. Although my experience wasn't one of social skills or feeling alone at a party, but one of thinking I knew Her entirely.. every single cell in her body was explored in detail over 5 years. We spoke daily about everything. We were eachothers first everything. We were eachothers everything, ya know? 6 weeks ago.. it all went to hell.. big time. Since then, it's gotten worse and worse. She was from day one a shy and retiring girl.. so innocent and naive but with an excellent underlying naughty streak! I really did love her sense of humour and comedic charms. Something me and her shared deeply. It took two years of reassurance, confidence building and the like for her to have sex with me. Even towards the end she could never completely "let go". She was unable to relax. Before we were together properly, we were best friends for about 6 months. Things were going slowly, but excellently. Long chats, walks, all of it. We were great! It took a month or two to get a proper kiss from her Silly things like that, but it didn't bother me at all! She was fantastic and mine. Now, with this new guy.. they're making so much progress it's scary. In 2 weeks they've gone out on 3-4 dates, chatted till 3am on the phone more than once and spent an evening at his while her parents were away. All of this cuts me to the core and behond. It's taken them 2 weeks to get to where we were after 3 months. She's changed so much in such a little time. I don't know why, ya know? But I sympathise with you situation entirely. I'm sure it's a case of them finding new ground to walk on. After being with me and you for X amount of years, they'd settled into a comfortable place. After the break, I think many people do 180 spins. They can be a "new person" with their new interests, even if your ex's new interests are just a new group of friends, as opposed to a new girl. I hoped to god for a week solidly that this new guy was going to be slapped down by her, as it was just a rebound relationship. But now I doubt it. I saw her getting into his car and it felt like I'd been shot in the stomach with a shotgun.
Andromache Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I know how you feel, about the 180. Its devasating. I was just starting out with this guy...with everything ahead of us, i was his English Rose, his princess. And yesterday, I became nothing. Theres nothing you can do. Try and deal with the shock, I guess.
sao2 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 That hurts, it really does hurt to realize that someone you thought you knew was someone completely different. What they are getting out of their system is this idea of who they were when they were with you. It happens to alot of people. The only thing I can really say in response is that if they were unwilling or unable to be true to themselves while they were with you then you don't want any part of them. As we get older we find that breakups affect us differently in this way. After my first major breakup I made a complete 180 in who I was. Really, I think alot of people make major life changes after a first major breakup. But now my breakups make me sad but they don't change the core of who I am. Sometimes I wish they did as I search for other things to change when the breakups happen.
frd150 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yup spookie, a male version of my ex. Ok, dont get me wrong I love having a good time but i ams also well into my twenties and so is she. So, those days of partiing are fewer. I thought she felt the same. Like you i thought I had found someone that was on the same level as me. Didnt turn out that way i guess. Now she has alinged herself with a party crowd. The same people she would talk sh*T on. they have done her no good. I know it, her real friends know it, but her family is in the dark. They just think she is all happy with her new friends. Remember the old show leave it to beaver? Well, she is surrounded by a bunch of Eddie Haskles. You know the types.... devious but on their best behavior when they need to be. Oh, she has also put on weight. I guess from not taking care of herself. Her weight never bothered me but I worry it is a sign of bad things.
Author spookie Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 That hurts, it really does hurt to realize that someone you thought you knew was someone completely different. What they are getting out of their system is this idea of who they were when they were with you. It happens to alot of people. The only thing I can really say in response is that if they were unwilling or unable to be true to themselves while they were with you then you don't want any part of them. I've read so many people's stories on this sites, and everybody's exes sound the same and exactly like mine, so I know what's happening here is common. Nevertheless, it's strange to me; I've never had a person or an event propel my life in an opposite direction. I don't think I am capable of being shook up the core like that. Blah. I started writing up a big paragraph with more reltionship details, but midway I felt sick to my stomach. The feelings that years of being disregarded, misquoted, purposely misunderstood will bring about... I don't ever want to feel them again. And there's no point in justifying myself to this board or to him. It's over and the questions of who said what are so unimportant. I know I'm not at fault for things falling apart. Of course it's never entirely anyone's fault, but at least I didn't lie, I didn't mislead him. I genuinely cared about him the whole way through, I always took his feelings into consideration, and I never intentionally did anything to hurt him. The same can't be said for him. I don't want to sound judgmental because I suppose it's just a matter of differing philosophies on life, but he is inherently selfish. He truly cares only about himself. Everyone else is just a means to an end. Scary person to fall in love with really. I always knew this about him but I guess I thought that the end he desired required me as a means. He insisted that this was the case, that I was unique, that I gave him a reason to stick around (he said he "liked my genes"). How silly of me to really believe I wasn't disposable.
funkybassplayer Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Yup spookie, a male version of my ex. Ok, dont get me wrong I love having a good time but i ams also well into my twenties and so is she. So, those days of partiing are fewer. I thought she felt the same. Like you i thought I had found someone that was on the same level as me. Didnt turn out that way i guess. Now she has alinged herself with a party crowd. The same people she would talk sh*T on. they have done her no good. I know it, her real friends know it, but her family is in the dark. They just think she is all happy with her new friends. Remember the old show leave it to beaver? Well, she is surrounded by a bunch of Eddie Haskles. You know the types.... devious but on their best behavior when they need to be. Oh, she has also put on weight. I guess from not taking care of herself. Her weight never bothered me but I worry it is a sign of bad things. I kow how you feel on that score, i thought her at 35 3 kids and a faeiled marriage would be looking to settle. How wrong i was, and like you she had a little friend 27 who would say crap to her about me, and i never done any harm to her. I always asked my ex if i could go out with them, but was never gonna happen. The rest of her friends (family ) i got on great with, only her party crowd. I would get hurt over this. Anyway guess what the new guy, striat away they were going out as a foursome, and clubbing with her hes 41 too. That really hurt me, but then again, maybe it says just who she is too, and i think a real man is one that would take on all the reponsibilitys of the house and kids and i took the emotions of her ex hubby too, who was very much in love with her still, (which she seemed to like) and not one that spashes out money on her and goes clubbing. I dunno, i guess i wanted to be with her. Maybe the thought of my full on commitment was too scary for her....i dunno.
Krytellan Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I remember him scooping me up from the floor and telling me that if I was normal, he wouldn't have loved me, and how GRATEFUL I felt at that moment, that there was one person in the world who didn't want me to change. And now... he's gone too. And before he left he made it clear just how much was wrong with me. Awwww spookie. I read that and wanted to give you a hug. It's really disappointing when you think you have met someone that is one person only to realize that they weren't done changing yet. Don't you dare let what he might have said to you tear you down. There are some nice men out there who know who they are. The trick is wading through them... or even wanting to wade through the. Hang in there Spook.
Author spookie Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Awwww spookie. I read that and wanted to give you a hug. It's really disappointing when you think you have met someone that is one person only to realize that they weren't done changing yet. Don't you dare let what he might have said to you tear you down. There are some nice men out there who know who they are. The trick is wading through them... or even wanting to wade through the. Hang in there Spook. Thanks Krytellan! This experience really made me realize taht not *all* people can be trusted to mean what they say and to not intentionally hurt other people, but I know there are nice men out there. I'm not near ready to start wading through them yet but one day, I know I will be, and if I have any luck I know I'll find one.
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