heatseeker411 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I have noticed a pattern that has been emerging. I tend to desire women that I can't date or shouldn't date (i.e. best friend's ex, unavailable women, etc.). I can't stop thinking about them and then I pursue them with everything I've got until I have them. I have really wanted it to work out with each of the wonderful women that I have been fortunate enough to date, but in the following months my attraction diminishes to the point of repulsion. I literally can't look at them, and all I can think about is being on my own again. I break things off, with progressively faster recovery times (my high school sweetheart took two years to get over and my last girlfriend took about 24 hours). Rinse and repeat times six in the last year and a half. I have hurt a lot of people. I consider myself to be a genuine person, but this emotional pattern has been so consistent for me that I am wondering if I am really just doing this for the ego boost. Like most people, I would love to find someone that I couldn't get enough of, but knowing what I do about my own tendencies, is it irresponsible for me to continue dating right now? What do you think?
underpants Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 It sounds like you like the thrill of the chase and conquest. Mix in a little commitmentphobia and whalla. Of couse the more taboo the prey the more exciting the attainment. Eventually it becomes a relationship and your instinct is to bail. Sure, you don't sound like good boyfriend material, let alone anything more. At least you are recognizing and addressing some issues and patterns in your life. Some never do this. I guess try to figure out what it is that you really want. Address and re-evaluate thought patterns that led you to whatever behaviors you dislike about yourself.
uniqueone Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I have noticed a pattern that has been emerging. I tend to desire women that I can't date or shouldn't date (i.e. best friend's ex, unavailable women, etc.). I can't stop thinking about them and then I pursue them with everything I've got until I have them. I have really wanted it to work out with each of the wonderful women that I have been fortunate enough to date, but in the following months my attraction diminishes to the point of repulsion. I literally can't look at them, and all I can think about is being on my own again. I break things off, with progressively faster recovery times (my high school sweetheart took two years to get over and my last girlfriend took about 24 hours). Rinse and repeat times six in the last year and a half. I have hurt a lot of people. I consider myself to be a genuine person, but this emotional pattern has been so consistent for me that I am wondering if I am really just doing this for the ego boost. Like most people, I would love to find someone that I couldn't get enough of, but knowing what I do about my own tendencies, is it irresponsible for me to continue dating right now? What do you think? Yes, please leave us alone!!! Er...I mean, yes you should stop dating. I've been the um....victim shall we say....far too many times of your kind. You REALLY don't know the pain that you cause....no really......you don't know the full impact of it. It's far, far worse than you're imagining. Imaging someone set on fire and burning to death. Now think of that happening to the person, everytime you do what you do. (ok, I'm a little dramatic...heehee) You have the makings of a narcissist, however you are, thankfully, not one. Narcissists don't recognize their behavior....or do and don't care. You need to find out what's driving you to do this. You're already beginning to anesthesize yourself to any feelings (getting over it so quickly). You're starting to objectify women and that's a road you don't want to take. Instead of dating, sit and figure out why you're doing what you're doing.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 As they say, you repeat your cycles with the same people (personality-wise), with the hopes that you can correct the original relationship which gave you the emotional trauma.
uniqueone Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 As they say, you repeat your cycles with the same people (personality-wise), with the hopes that you can correct the original relationship which gave you the emotional trauma. I definately agree with that school of thought and I've won academy awards for my repeat performances!
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like you have committment issues, maybe some control issues and in need of the ego boost. The thrill of the chase, as it's ALL about you, you and you... DO you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to change?
azianpride143 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 It's good you recognize that there is a problem. Until you fix the problem with yourself. You will continually live like this and not really finding happiness or fulfillment.
jcster Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I've been in the mindset that you find yourself in. It has very little to do with the need for a true relationship. It's more akin to warfare than love. You really should stop doing this and take some time to figure out just what it is you are trying to accomplish. Do you have a long standing issue that you are trying to resolve? Are you boosting your ego? Or, has it moved past that and simply become a game that you are getting better at, and that you are having a hard time stopping? Beware of falling into the drama trap. It sounds like you are hooked on the chase, the drama of going after someone and the drama of the breakup. Of course it doesn't hurt you emotionally anymore - you aren't in it for emotion. The disgust you feel for your actions leads you to do the same thing over and over again. It's addictive. The only thing you can do now is to stop before you do something that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
oppath Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Is it possible you aren't using enough discretion with the women you get involved with? Meaning, perhaps you get too involved, when really, you should just let them go after a couple dates because the signs are there you aren't right for each other? It sounds to me like the hurt you imbue could possibly be avoided by realizing "we're probably not the right people for each other" sooner. Do you realize this at all early on and continue? It sounds like you've gone through a string of girls the past year or so -- and that is FINE -- don't beat yourself up for that -- as long as you haven't continued with them after you knew you weren't right for each other for a month or two just because. Otherwise, I'm not sure what is wrong? You date women, like them, and then realize you don't. Nothing is wrong with that as long as you are breaking up with them because you truly feel you aren't right for each other, and you aren't becoming their BF just because you have nothing else to do. Become their BF because you want to, and if you learn you aren't right for each other, drop them. Just don't become their BF because you like that chase and drop them because you get bored. Become their BF because it is what you want. If you can sense earlier it is not what you want, don't progress.
Author heatseeker411 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I think that underpants hit it on the head: To be completely honest, I used to be very relationship-oriented, but more recently I have become a lot more interested in the thrill of the hunt. I like to see if I can get women to like me, and that's usually where I'd like it to end, because I don't think I really want to be with anyone at this point in my life (thank you, whichwayisup). But I usually get asked out (or strongly pressured to ask them out) and I decide to give it a try, usually against my better judgment. And then as oppath suggested, I do care about these people, and I try to make the relationship work for longer than I should after my feelings start fading, which should be my cue to pull the plug. jcester, it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who has been through this. It's interesting to hear it compared to warfare, because I've described it as a "video game" to my friends before; I have gotten to be pretty good at it but at the end of the day it's the same thing over and over, and progressively less interesting. I think I may be addicted to being romantically sought after, and it's so hard to meet that need without embroiling myself in unwanted relationships. uniquone, I am sorry that you've been burned so badly before. If those guys were anything like me, I'm sure they would have done anything else they could have to keep from hurting you so badly. You are dead on about emotionally anesthetizing myself; it helps me during break ups but makes relationships so much less stimulating. I really don't know how to break out this lack of feeling.
uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 uniquone, I am sorry that you've been burned so badly before. If those guys were anything like me, I'm sure they would have done anything else they could have to keep from hurting you so badly. You are dead on about emotionally anesthetizing myself; it helps me during break ups but makes relationships so much less stimulating. I really don't know how to break out this lack of feeling. Stop dating.....that's how you break out of it. Why does everyone think they have to continually date???
Lizzie60 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You need to meet more women like me... dude.... then you'd meet your 'match'.
johan Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 ...Mix in a little commitmentphobia and whalla.... ha ha ha ha... "whalla"... ha ha ha. That's the funniest thing I've read all day.
Hazy Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I guess I don't feel like what you're doing is a big deal. I mean you're dating women. You have been seeing some women in the last year and a half and broke things off with all of them because you didn't feel 'it' anymore. That is the point of dating, to see if you want a deeper relationship with them or not. It's not a crime, it's not your fault the feelings faded, when you think about it, MOST girlfriends you will have in your life WON'T work out. I mean how many of the women you have dated have ended up in marriage? You will know you are really in love with a woman when the feelings after the "honeymoon" period of dating (butterflies, etc.) is gone and your love takes over. You are doing nothing wrong, just dating women and trying them on for size. What's wrong with that? Yes, they get hurt but isn't it better for them that you break up with them instead of move in or get engaged to them? That would be really devastating. I don't see a problem, dating and relationships is simply trying women on for size to see if they are someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with. They are trying you on for size, too.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 usually against my better judgment Time to let better judgement take over...You know you're not ready for anything serious, but if you want to date, just be upfront and honest that you're not looking for anything serious. Just fun and friendship, no feelings/strings attached. You're hurting these women by allowing them to fall for you, then you run the other way knowing full well from day one that you have no interest in them. You're gonna (if you don't already) get a bad reputation, then when the time actually comes you DO meet someone that makes your heart sing, she will be scared to get involved with you!
Hazy Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 A guy is not looking for anything serious until he gets hit in the head with love, though. He's not doing anything wrong, dating is a series of kissing a lot of frogs until you find the right one. I wouldn't say anything's against your better judgment because you never know what someone is like until you try. Maybe they might end up to be the love of your life, maybe they won't. That's what dating is about. No crimes being committed here. Last I heard, liking a someone, dating them, losing feelings for them, and breaking up with them was not against the law, just a part of the process of life. I think it's good you're willing to take a few risks to see what works for you in a woman and a relationship.
underpants Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 ha ha ha ha... "whalla"... ha ha ha. That's the funniest thing I've read all day. Well, I am glad my bad spelling had the benefit of making you laugh. You did inspire me to look this word up and viola? It just doesn't sound right to me. Also I think of the musical instrument. Personally, I like Whalla! To OP, You are young and probably easily enamored. This is a time to date and figure out what you want from a partner (this is assuming that that is what you might like for yourself one day). Just don't be a jerk, or too much of one. You will get a rep and that could work for you or against you. Also, I kind of fear that if you continue to have kind of an ADD outlook as far as relationships go then this could potentially not be a good road. In that you could potentially really fall for a woman who might really let you down...maybe the way you let some others' down? Could you date girls without sleeping with them? Maybe taking the time to really know someone without the agenda of bagging them might be productive. Just some thoughts. Unders, Knows 3 French words and cannot spell any of them correctly.
Grim Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 ok c were ur at. i just come out of a 15 year relationship, or jail sentence (same thing) now i want somethin, but dont no wat, or why, or even with who. i am causing heart ache along the way, even my own. do u no wat love is. do u want it. do u need it. r u in love with the idea of being in love, or do u just like the intimacey of another warm body with no strings. i am a nice person, but right now i want me put first and foremost even tho i no i am doomed to failure. i want my ego stroked. i want to see who i can have and even assume i have the right to choose, but i no i dont and i dont care. but i do or i wudden b on here wud i. my problem now i am with my on mirror image. this will happen to u and it will hurt like hell or is that wat has already happened. mid life crisis my ex says. me - i feel alive but lost. u cud advise me on how to keep a man like u cuz thats wat i have
uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 No....all of these people saying it's normal....it's ok.....sorry, I don't agree. What is the OP's intent? Is it to enter a relationship with the person? Is it to make friends? Does he know? He knows already that he likes to pursue and then when he gets them, he starts to dislike them. You're calling that normal? This is all centered around an attitude of what's good for "me". Do you realize there's another person involved? What is it like for the other person to be so sought after and then suddenly so reviled? This is a blueprint for pain --for the other person. Maybe a better thing to do would be for him to tell the person that after he has them, he'll dislike them and dump them. That would be honest, right? So what keeps him from doing that? That's where deception comes in. This is why it's NOT ok and it's NOT normal.
Grim Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 wat if u like the size but u no the cut doesnt suit u
uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 wat if u like the size but u no the cut doesnt suit u Is this passing for English these days?
Grim Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 please read "i want candy" its my story and as a player maybe u can help me.
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