Hurt & nowhere to turn

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know what to tell you, Gary. You've been very adamant about your desire to stay in this thing.... so I don't want to steer you wrong.

 

But truthfully, there are REASONS I never pulled any of this 'walkaway wife' bullsh*t with my husband, even though there were times when I might have seriously considered it.

 

Sure, he might have asked me back right there in the first week or so when his feelings were raw, but then again... maybe not. I guarantee you though, by this far in... he'd have put my bags on the porch and he'd be gettin' some 'strange'. There are some things you can't come back from, and I always KNEW that f*cking with his head was one of them.

 

You said in your first post that you've never really been alone. Why not explore that a little? I don't want to speak for PWSX3, but I think if you read his thread, he really did get to a point where he was bound and determined to be happy with either outcome. He seemed to have REALLY gotten in touch with himself.

 

Maybe the thing to do... is to relax a little bit. Learn a little more about who YOU are and what you REALLY want out of your life. (????)

You can't lose something that's already lost, you know? Right now... she's gone. There's not a whole lot you can do about that, except to spin your wheels and waste alot of energy... energy that might be better spent on YOU.

[PWSX3]

Sorry I haven't read all of this, but I did read the first couple & then the last few.

One thing I would suggest like LadyJane suggested is you don't want to play games, you want to be upfront & honest, plus you don't want to do or say anything you will regret later.

 

Like LJ said I also got married young, moved from home into a place with the W so I didn't experience being alone except for two years living at school.

 

There are many good things I learned about being on your own, you learn that you can take care of yourself, you can do the dishes, do the cleaning, & the best part about cleaning is you keep it the way "YOU" want it. You can do the laundry, etc. etc. you get my point I hope. I feel a lot of times we take our spouse for granted & we don't appreciate what they do for us.

 

Then there are things like going places by yourself, I always thought it would be weird to go out & eat by yourself but its not all that bad.

 

Something I also enjoyed is coming home to a quit house. It was good to just set down & pick up a book and read with no TV or radio or people asking you questions.

 

It sounds like you still want the marriage to work & that is great but use this time to grow as a person. Learning who you are & what you want in life isn't all that bad.

 

I made so many changes that I really wouldn't have done without that time to myself. For example when we used to come home the first thing we would do is turn on the TV & now I hardly even turn it on. In fact most of the time it is the w or my son that turn it on.

 

I learned that there were things I wanted to do but I would use the W as an excuse. Now if I want to do something & she doesn't want to do it I'll still do it by myself & have a good time.......

 

Just like everyone has said; you can't make someone love you. If she feels she needs her space then let her have it but don't just set there & wait, do something for you!!!!!!

 

Like the saying goes; if it was meant to be then it will happen, but sometimes what happens might not be what we want but it turns out being for the better in the long run.

[Psch1968]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Update after tonite - well we spoke for what I meant to be 10 mins, but it turned into a detailed 2 hr conversation. Essentially I started by saying I understood where we were at, but that in the interests of our friendship if nothing else, I felt we both needed to be honest that during our physical seperation, if someone else came along and we decided to pursue that angle, we would be honest and up front with each other so as not to disrespect our marriage any further than it has already been - she agreed and all was fine. Then I said that the reason I had wanted this, was so that we could proceed with an amicable divorce if that happened rather than just drag it out and let the resentment build - this wa salso fine until she realised that by divorcing, she would have an issue given our green card is still pending.

 

At this point, she sort of got emotionally upset, and told me it felt like emotional blackmail. I listened, did not react negatively, told her I understood why she might think that, but re-assured her my motives were pure, and that because I was now a man who had learnt painfully that honesty, trust, and communication were the hallmarks of a good marriage / relationship, I could not be dishonest and allow her to think somethink that was not true. I was just being honest - she seemed to understand, and we reovered I think from that dangerous moment.

 

Then she again mentioned the irony that I was now communicating and talking about trust and respect, which was all she ever wanted me to realise - again told me that although she saw it, it was too late. I validated her feelings, and said I understood - I felt it was linked to resentment, which she agreed with.

 

We sort of left it there, with a good understanding of what the next steps are (we agreed she controls what happens next in terms of us), I made it clear I would pursue my new life and that ultimately, if she decided not to join me, that was her decision and I would accept it. Seemed to calm her down and she was quite agreeable at the end.

 

Phew - well thoughts? I think it went well, I think I got my point across ala if she wants to be friends she needs to continue to be open and honest even after moving out, made it clear where I stood re a 3rd party coming into our marriage and being the catalyst for a divorce (I know this is risky but I cant lose what I have already lost), and yet at the same time re-enforced my changes and my desire to see us R.

 

But as always, its what she thinks that counts and I have no idea where she is at tonite.

 

Thanks for listening.

[justfine]

Hi Guys...

 

 

Well, I'm new here and just discovered this site a couple of hours ago. This is the first thread I've read and you guys have done a terrific job supporting Psych in his time of need. I only wish I had discovered this site a few months back when my own life began to unravel. Psych, you've come a long way. I'll start a new thread and tell you guys about my little nightmare so you can get to me know me a bit.

 

Psych1968...

 

 

I totally feel your pain and desperation. My nightmare began in the beginning of March. I desperately tried to work things when my STBX said she needed to move out because she needed space to think about our marriage. This came as a total shock; I did not see this comming. Truth is I spent the next month trying to win her back, much like you are now. I asked her to be honest and tell me if she was seeing someone else. She said no.

 

My instincts told otherwise. You see, it has been my observation that most women don't leave a relationship until they are in another. Sure enough, I found evidence of this a month later. Once I knew for certain that she was involved with someone, I began to heal. At first, I entertained the thought of forgiving her. This foolish thinking lasted a couple of days. I came to my senses and said "hell no!" I deserve better. Why would anyone with any pride take back a spouse who has committed adultery? Not me; no way. Not you either Psych; you deserve better.

 

At this point, I suggest making an appt. with an attorney and file for divorce. This failed relationship is not your fault; it's hers. I know it's difficult, but, it's time to move on buddy.

 

You shouldn't blame yourself either. Just like you, I took my vows seriously; my STBX didn't. It's obvious that yours didn't either. Let her go, she doesn't deserve you.

 

And if you're still hell bent on trying to get her back, you'll be in better negotiating position. Should she change her mind and want to come back, make her beg. Tell her you've had enough and moved on. You met someone new.

[Psch1968]

I hear you, and to be honest I do have my suspicions, but ultimately I cannot prove anything, and quite frankly, am willing to give her a set amount of time (clearly I will not tell her that) to make a decision. If she is honest and tells me its over during that period, then at least we move on. If she is dishonest and/or does not make a decision, I will have to make the decision for "us" because I do not believe long physical seperations are conducive to people reconciling and growing stronger together. As much as it will hurt, I will have no option but to let go and move on, and for me, that means DV.

[Gunny376]

Now that you've thrown the "Green Card" into the equation? Your "Happy Azz" needs to be concentrationg on that!

 

Forget her!

 

As a friend of mine from Colombia pointed out when I was down and out! She got all over my azz about how I've got it made by just having been born a native U.S. citizen.

 

You know what? She's was right!

 

Thanks Liz!

[justfine]

I hear you, and to be honest I do have my suspicions, but ultimately I cannot prove anything, and quite frankly, am willing to give her a set amount of time (clearly I will not tell her that) to make a decision. If she is honest and tells me its over during that period, then at least we move on. If she is dishonest and/or does not make a decision, I will have to make the decision for "us" because I do not believe long physical seperations are conducive to people reconciling and growing stronger together. As much as it will hurt, I will have no option but to let go and move on, and for me, that means DV.

 

 

Psch1968,

 

 

You need to take control of the situation. Why does does she get to decide whether the marriage should continue or not? Don't you have a say in the matter? Does she wear the pants in the family? She's clearly not concerned about you; she's taking you completely for granted and you're behaving like a doormat, a WHIMP!

 

STOP NOW! GET YOUR PRIDE AND DIGNITY BACK NOW.

 

Believe me bud. You need to call a divorce attorney, explain your situation thoroghly, protect your assets, and serve her with divorce papers. Retrieve your balls back from her purse! Be strong, get mad. You need to start telling yourself: "I don't need this biatch!" I'm a good catch! I'll find someone else who appreciates me and doesn't pull this crap on me.

 

Turn the tables on her and file for divorce. I guarantee you will feel a 1000X better. Stop playing the victim. Imagine the look on her face when she gets served! Don't tell her about it; just do it.

 

Perhaps, you may think that taking such an aggressive stance will hurt your chances of getting your wife back. No, on the contrary. She might just get scared and shocked and stop taking you for granted and think twice.

 

And even if she just goes along and agrees to a divorce, she was probably gone anyways. You'll have regained your self respect and the respect of your friends and family. Your friends will impressed and amazed. The word will get around of how much guts you have, and, maybe you'll meet some new, appreciative women as a result of your ballsy move. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by filing first! Believe me, women will be impressed that you filed first once the word gets around and the dust settles! You can say: "I got tired of her shiet and filed for divorce". Now you're the Man. Stop talking like you're all sad, and be the Alpha man once again.

 

Get your balls back from her purse now! Call an attorney today and make an appointment and don't tell anyone.

 

Your wife thinks she has you wrapped around her little finger, your nuts in her purse, and she finds it amusing how you're begging to her to come back. I bet she even laughs and braggs about it to her friends. Screw that!

 

Believe me, if anything, you will regain your wife's respect. She may get mad, but, so what? Stop being the victim and be a Man. She won't know what hit her and you'll get an amazing amount of satisfaction.

 

This puts in you in the drivers seat and if she wants to reconcile, she'll have to ask you. Make her beg if that happens. If she starts talking about reconciling, tell her you've been through too much and you'll need time to think about it.

[Psch1968]

Justfine - I appreciate your view, but its not one I share. My marriage, and the trust and respect that come with it, over-rides any anger I feel right now. To some, a person is just a commodity - not me. My W is a wonderful person, and we BOTH have made mistakes to get to this point. Pointing fingers, trying to exert control, making threats, and playing games is not my style, and if that means an end result that I don't like, so be it. I will know that I tried my very best, respected my marriage, and will walk away with my honor and my faith intact irrespective of what my W does.

 

What I did last night was respect myself, and show her respect at the same time. A difficult line to follow, but one I am satisfied I achieved.

[butterfly37]

That's it Psch. Stay true to yourself.....No regrets!!!

[justfine]

Ok, Psych.

 

 

Best of Luck to you.

[Psch1968]

So here's my update.

 

Dinner went well last night, we had a good time, and she raised the R - basically said she was hurt & confused still about my statements of how much I love her, and yet the way I treated her came across as disrespectful etc. I just agreed it was hard to fathom, and tried to validate as much as I could her feelings. The fact she raised the R was interesting.

 

When we got home, I handed her the platinum rose and a good bye letter, hugged her briefly, and then left her alone and went to stay at a friends.

 

Nothing happened overnight - this morning I had promised to help her and thats what I did. It was obviously very difficult but I tried to be normal - when it came to leave, we hugged again, I told her to be happy, and kissed her on the forehead - and then drove off to a gym appointment. I thought leaving her to say bye to our dogs etc without me around was likely helpful.

 

So here I am - its nearly 4pm, the house is unbearbly quiet, I am swinging from relaxed sadness to suicidal regret, and I fear tonite a lot. Luckily I have a run with friends tomorrow morning, and two dogs who of course have no appreciation for what is going on and just run round happy as larry.

 

I am more convinced than ever that she has gone for good - she only wants to stay friends, she has made plans for Xmas / New Year alone with friends already, she left nothing behind, and through all the talks, just refused to talk about our future in any way. I suspect 'her' friends are telling her she is doing the right thing etc, and I repeat what I said a few days ago - I see no opportunity, nee reason, why she should change her mind now she has actually physically left our marital home. She will, as a beautiful, financially independent 33 year old girl have many admirers, she is so upset and hurt with me, and now we are in NC mode. I just can't see a way here, and hope almost out.

 

I am starting to think that for my sake, for the dogs sake, for her sake frankly, the sooner we get on and annul this, the better...

[justfine]

That's typical of the one bailing on the marriage to blame the other spouse. She says that the way you talk to her comes across as disrespectful? She's just trying to justify her abandoning the marriage.

 

Right now, you're just feeling sad because you and your wife are no longer going to be together, purely emotional; you'll soon get over it. Quite normal. But your particular divorce is as easy as they come. Almost, like if you were breaking up with a GF. No kids, therefore, no custody battle, child support, alimony, etc.

 

Maybe you can have a little party at your place next weekend and encourage your friends to bring lots of new girls. Be excited about your future. After all, you're successful and that in itself, makes you attrative.

[Psch1968]

Well I perhaps shot myself in the foot big time this morning, but I cannot change what has happened, so here it goes......

 

We spoke on the phone, and I was feeling so unhappy I told her that we should try to agree a time to meet to discuss next steps. She asked me what that meant, and I told her it meant we needed to start planning the finalisation of our marriage. She appeared shocked, and expressed surprise - 'you are giving me mixed messages about what you want' - well yes I am but hell I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and suffering badly here.

I told her it was not what I wanted, that she knew how I felt, but that I was doing this for her because it was I felt what she wanted at this stage, and that it felt like she couldn't bring herself to admit this was what she wanted. She didn't deny or agree.

 

We agreed to meet next Sunday for lunch, when she will see the dogs for the first time since leaving.

 

What to do now - half of me says I screwed it up, half of me says I got it right and that enough is enough.

Help???

[bestadvisor]

How far does she live away from you now? How sure are you that she's not involved with another man? How does she feel about the possiblity of you dating other women?

[justfine]

I don't think you shot yourself in the foot at all. In fact, I believe you are bending over backwards for your wife. I think you did yourself a world of good by telling her you need to get on with your life and proceed with the divorce. Otherwise, you're behaving like a doormat, giving her permission to pursue someone else. It's like you're telling her that it's okay for her to pursue another man, and, if that doesn't work out, you'll take her back.

 

Screw that man. You're not a doormat. You'll become more attractive to her if you start taking control and stop playing the victim. I don't about you, but, I wouldn't want to take my wife back after she's been screwing around with another man.

[Psch1968]

Best Advisor - she lives about 50 mins away (she moved out yesterday), I have no evidence of actula affair but do have evidence of constant text messaging between my WAW and an ex lover back home in UK (we are in US), and she appeared to be fine with me dating other women (well she said she would not hold it against me if I did while we were seperated).

[bestadvisor]

Best Advisor - she lives about 50 mins away (she moved out yesterday), I have no evidence of actula affair but do have evidence of constant text messaging between my WAW and an ex lover back home in UK (we are in US), and she appeared to be fine with me dating other women (well she said she would not hold it against me if I did while we were seperated).

 

When is she going to UK to visit her family?

 

Based on what you said, it seems that she "allows" you to do what you want with other women which in return gives her the right to do what she wants with other men including but not limited to this ex of hers in UK.

 

I agree with the message below:

 

I don't think you shot yourself in the foot at all. In fact, I believe you are bending over backwards for your wife. I think you did yourself a world of good by telling her you need to get on with your life and proceed with the divorce. Otherwise, you're behaving like a doormat, giving her permission to pursue someone else. It's like you're telling her that it's okay for her to pursue another man, and, if that doesn't work out, you'll take her back.

 

Screw that man. You're not a doormat. You'll become more attractive to her if you start taking control and stop playing the victim. I don't about you, but, I wouldn't want to take my wife back after she's been screwing around with another man.

[justfine]

Psych...

 

 

I really understand what you're going through; I went through a similar situation. What ultimately happens is that you waste a couple of months, hoping and humiliating yourself further. At the end, you wish you would have behaved differently and taken control of your life sooner.

 

If you've read any of the other threads, you'll find that they are quite similar. We do our best to win our spouses back, but, fail to realize that our spouses had been planning this for a very long time. They didn't just one day, decide I don't want to be married anymore. Emotionally, they've been gone for a long time, established another relationship they feel secure and comfortable with, then told of their decision to separate/divorce.

 

Save yourself more emotional trauma and accept what can be clearly seen by objective observers. Proceed with your life and divorce; this will only benefit you. By filing first, your wife will be shocked by your initiative and possibly reconsider before the divorce is final. If she files first, you surrender all control. And even if she reconsiders, I believe that somewhere down the road, she'll want to leave again.

[2boys2dogs]

I have been reading this thread since I discovered it last week. God, I wish I would have found this a month ago. My story is slightly different, but so much the same! Hope things work out the best for you!