frannie Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 It sounds like my situation, but now I look back and wish instead of asking him if he loved me or why he was doing this, I should have asked him if his W were to find out would he treat me like garbage and pretend nothing ever happened? The thing about that is... how many of us really know what we'd do in a given situation... especially one like a d-day? MM can't imagine, until confronted with a crying, raging, shocked, grief-stricken or 180-ing BS how he's going to feel or what he's going to do. So what use would his answer be to that hypothetical question..? Certainly he'd like to feel he would act a particular way, but when push came to shove..? From what I've seen most MM try to do exactly what they've done all along during the affair... maintain status quo as far as possible and/or go for the path of least resistance (which is usually try to look like the good guy), whatever that turns out to be. Far too many variables in a d-day to know what would happen, and I think MM knows about as much as anyone else (i.e. very little) about what he'd do.
overandout Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Well the the mm goes home and still gets into bed with the wife but he truly loves the OW? Yeah:cool: of course he does. If the OW just stopped and thought about this instead of making excuses (the kids) --well enough said. If he really wants something the mm will make it happen. End of story. Why don't people like the bottom line? If you want a DD call the wife and I can guarantee the mm will dop the OW like a hot potato or if he has a weak OW he will just say he is staying put. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
9Lives Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Well the the mm goes home and still gets into bed with the wife but he truly loves the OW? Yeah:cool: of course he does. If the OW just stopped and thought about this instead of making excuses (the kids) --well enough said. If he really wants something the mm will make it happen. End of story. Why don't people like the bottom line? If you want a DD call the wife and I can guarantee the mm will dop the OW like a hot potato or if he has a weak OW he will just say he is staying put. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I agree with this statement. He is where he wants to be and if he can get a woman to be "understanding" then it is all good. He has the control in a sense that if you decide to stick around....it can flip one way or another. From my experience, it is better in the long run to not count on it. If he is serious, he will make his moves.
frannie Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Well the the mm goes home and still gets into bed with the wife but he truly loves the OW? Yeah:cool: of course he does. If the OW just stopped and thought about this instead of making excuses (the kids) --well enough said. If he really wants something the mm will make it happen. End of story. Why don't people like the bottom line? If you want a DD call the wife and I can guarantee the mm will dop the OW like a hot potato or if he has a weak OW he will just say he is staying put. Why does everything have to be so complicated? So the MM goes and gets into bed with the OW, and wakes up with her but he 'really loves his W'... of course he does. No one wants a d-day, really. They're a very bad day to have. But your suggestion that the OW wilfully causes one in order to find out some kind of truth doesn't stand up to scrutiny. As I said, a d-day (and the aftermath) has a lot of complications and new emotions, and no one really knows how they will react. But knowing that your OW deliberately outed you to your W, put your family in jeopardy (and yes of course the MM does that every day, but that's HIS choice, not the choice of someone outside the family) isn't going to exactly endear you to that person. Think it through.
PoshPrincess Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Too late, maybe but hey, you'll bound to meet someone else that would be yours for good and not a MM! I'm saying if you haven't met anyone, that is.. Wait - are you in for a long term r/ship? I have a BF at the moment. He's a LOVELY guy and, on paper, everything is perfect, but he doesn't stir the feelings in me that MM did. I can't see me ever wanting any kind of commitment from him which makes me feel really sad. As for MM, yes I wanted long term with him, but only if he could be mine exclusively. I don't think I could have continued being his OW.
overandout Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 So the MM goes and gets into bed with the OW, and wakes up with her but he 'really loves his W'... of course he does. No one wants a d-day, really. They're a very bad day to have. But your suggestion that the OW wilfully causes one in order to find out some kind of truth doesn't stand up to scrutiny. As I said, a d-day (and the aftermath) has a lot of complications and new emotions, and no one really knows how they will react. But knowing that your OW deliberately outed you to your W, put your family in jeopardy (and yes of course the MM does that every day, but that's HIS choice, not the choice of someone outside the family) isn't going to exactly endear you to that person. Think it through. Yeap, I agree with that, as the other side to what I said. I think what I am trying to say is that a mm isn't really in love with either his wife or the OW if he is sleeping and having a relationship with them both. However if he chooses to stay put, then he has made his choice as to who he considers is more important. Assuming his wife doesn't know, it is the OW who he "hurts" when he leaves her to return to his primary relationship. By the way I did not mean to suggest that the OW deliberately causes a DD (counterproductive). The point I was making was that if a DD occurs due to other circumstances (wife making own enquiries, a neighbor or someone else phones the wife etc), then the mm will concentrate on his marriage in 99.9% of the time. The OW will be left on the side lines. I think you mentioned that your mm has begun working from the office rather than from your house. That might be because he is becoming more careful as he clearly does not want his marriage to end. You gave him the chance to choose an honest and committed relationship with you--don't lose sight of that.
frannie Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Yeap, I agree with that, as the other side to what I said. I think what I am trying to say is that a mm isn't really in love with either his wife or the OW if he is sleeping and having a relationship with them both. However if he chooses to stay put, then he has made his choice as to who he considers is more important. Assuming his wife doesn't know, it is the OW who he "hurts" when he leaves her to return to his primary relationship. By the way I did not mean to suggest that the OW deliberately causes a DD (counterproductive). The point I was making was that if a DD occurs due to other circumstances (wife making own enquiries, a neighbor or someone else phones the wife etc), then the mm will concentrate on his marriage in 99.9% of the time. The OW will be left on the side lines. I think you mentioned that your mm has begun working from the office rather than from your house. That might be because he is becoming more careful as he clearly does not want his marriage to end. You gave him the chance to choose an honest and committed relationship with you--don't lose sight of that. Well it's possible that MM loves his W, his OW, neither, or both of them, and how one could tell that from a statement of where he spends the night is beyond me. Yes, most of the time, if d-day occurs, the MM will cut off relations with the OW. Even if it is (usually) a short-lived NC. And the reason for that is that MM does not want to upset the status quo. The easiest way of maintaining most of what he has is to cut off the OW, at least for the time being. That's a no-brainer. It also means zilch in terms of who he would 'rather' be with in romantic terms. Most MM don't want their marriage to dissolve, for many reasons we've gone over on this board more times than anyone cares to remember. Where my MM works during the day (at the office in my town, returning to my house in the evening) or at my home doesn't impact at all on the chances of him being discovered. She doesn't call him during the day, and has no idea at all of his whereabouts. You have to realise that he leaves his city and comes down here to the office anyway. The reason he works here less during the day is that it was getting in the way of my work, and leading to some stress between us that I wanted to avoid. But yes, he is more careful about being discovered in another respect. After my recently reading that d-days are most often caused by the W discovering text messages I've reiterated to him for heaven's sake to DELETE them after he's received them, as well as his call records on his phone. NO WAY do I want a d-day. What would be the point of us continuing the affair for the sake of his children having a peaceful childhood if it's all going to go upside down because his W finds a text from me? Yes, my MM wants to stay married for the time being. And I'm fine with that. We continue to work hard on our relationship, so that we can have a committed one together in the future, when we're both ready and he feels it's the right time. But I'll point out here that whether other people think that's a great plan or not doesn't interest me in the slightest
Lyssa Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 We continue to work hard on our relationship, so that we can have a committed one together in the future, when we're both ready and he feels it's the right time. But I'll point out here that whether other people think that's a great plan or not doesn't interest me in the slightest I'm with you!
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