Curious139 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Hello. This is my first post and I'll try to be succinct. I've been with my wife for 22 years and we have three lovely youngish children. My wife is a wonderful person but unfortunately my love for her is more of friendship than anything else. No deliberate unkindness or abuse. Nearly a year ago I met my ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago - who had just separated from her husband. After hesitating, I contacted her and we had a long distance affair. I only spent about 15 days with her in 8 months. I told my wife about the affair after about 2 months so she had to endure me going off to this other woman twice..... Anyway the thing is I decided to have one last try with my wife from April this year. I kept contact with my lover to once-a-week emails to try and be faithful to my wife. My lover got sick of waiting, feeling hurt and rejected, and tried a dating site. Within days she met someone whom she loves and "fits" with her (I'd been the only one ever until then). I learned this 5 weeks ago and have been a mess ever since. Profound depression and I'm getting help with that. But I cannot forget her. She is/was the love of my life and I lost her....... I can't stop hoping, being angry with myself, thinking about her - it is hell.
directx Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Yeah. Uh...good luck with that. (I honestly don't know what to say)
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I learned this 5 weeks ago and have been a mess ever since. Profound depression and I'm getting help with that. But I cannot forget her. She is/was the love of my life and I lost her....... I can't stop hoping, being angry with myself, thinking about her - it is hell.Hi Curious Like Directx, I'm not entirely sure what to say. What is the situation with your wife now...? Has she forgiven you...? Are you guys trying again..? I think the best way to forget is simply to look at the reality in your situation. Try not to wish for what isn't or cannot be. You have a wife and children who need you and to be very honest with you, you need them too. You may be feeling pain and sorrow at the loss of your 'true' love...but, you can find alot of other 'true' love in other places. You have to understand that what you're grieving is a dream that will never be. For me, 'forgetting' or rather just trying not to think about him, was very hard to start with. Everything I did, every place I went, all over my house, he was here, there and everywhere. Gradually, I was feeling so much pain, my brain has kinda shut him out. I can't even remember what he looks like. I destroyed all his pictures, emails and anything else related to him here. I made my place, my sanctuary for me. I cleaned him out of it. I had to. So, maybe that's where you have to start - archive the emails to a CD if you aren't ready to delete them. Same with any pictures etc. Bury that CD in a book on high up shelf where you're not going to take it down. Change the desktop picture on your computer, change the set up for the applications so that everything looks different. It sounds crazy but it works. Then there's the prospect of contact. Block her email addresses on both home and work mail. Block her MSN/Yahoo/Skype/AIM etc. Completely remove any ability for her to contact you and look forward. Close your eyes on the past and stare ahead. I'm a runner and Roger Bannister who ran the first four minute mile back in 1954 once said, 'Life can only be lived forwards, even if it only makes sense looking back'. Despite your circumstances, I'm sorry for your pain. Some would argue that this situation is of your own making and it's probably true too but to be honest, there is very little point in blaming yourself or blaming the lady or the situation. You have to approach the future with everything you have left.
Author Curious139 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Thankyou Chinook, I appreciate your thoughts. I have come to the painful "no contact" stage, having had email contact until 10 days ago. It's true - every email brought on all of the pain afresh - it started all over again. I know this is all of my fault. I can only say that my wife and I were both deeply sad in our marriage and unhappy. However we couldn't talk about it. The affair ironically has allowed us to do that. Also this is the only woman I would ever have had an affair with. I've always been faithful to my wife. But I love this lady so much and have lost her. I'm in deep pain from loss and anger at myself for not committing to her. My wife has been deeply deeply hurt. She is a strong person and has partly forgiven me - we are still together and going to relationship counselling. I understand that we all need to focus on what is important in our lives. In my case it is my children. My wife is an integral part of that because she is a great mother too.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 You know, I think you guys have a chance at making things work. Okay, you may not love your wife in quite the same way or as passionately as your lost love, but I argue that you do in fact love her. From your posts it doesn't seem to me to be quite just a case of 'staying for the children'. As to how you deal with it... it's very hard. I know this. Some days are much easier than other days and some days will be very tough. I would really try to make sure that you talk to your wife and continue doing so because she is the one sharing your life. It will be hard for you both, of course it will but if you exclude her from the processes within you it will make things tougher. Also, I'm not a judge, jury or executioner...and neither are other people here. So... you have taken responsibility for your actions and you have acknowledged your part in things. Why don't you let it go now..? You can't change it. It is now in the past. The only thing you can do now is learn from it. Don't continue to see yourself 'at fault' or it being all down to you. Yes, it was your choice but that choice is in the past now and you guys are on a different path now - which you both have to deal with. If you read around the 'coping' forum there are quite a number of threads which talk about how to cope with no contact and the attendant emotions. Sometime it soothes and helps us to read others experiences and maybe to offer a hand of help. I sincerely wish you well curious.
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