justice Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 OOD, all sillyness aside. You and I are very different. Once I became aware of my WS infidelity, and had to come to grips with the mental images of her sharing "intimate moments" and being penetrated by her BF, I no long felt the same about her. All the love and loyalty dissappeared and were immediately replace by anger and loss. Forgiveness was not possible, is not possible. I can tell you with absolute certainty that if she was in a car accident that croaked her now husband and left her crippled for life that I would not be able to come to her aid. It would not be me tending to her. I am no longer capable of loving her in any modality. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as the mother of my children. Either are much more compassionate and understanding than I am... or much more dependant (not necessairly a negetive, circumstances differ). I once told her that if her hair was on fire I wouldn't piss on her. That wasn't a good cyollogy for not saving her if her life was threatened. I reality I would save her, with exactly the same effort and vigor that I would afford a stranger. As that is what she became that day. A stranger. This is exactly how I felt about my now ex husband. And it's how I still feel. Seems as if everything good and positive was replaced by the awful things that his cheating brought into our lives. It's a terrible place to be and I'm glad we are both no longer involved.
East of Jupiter Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 OOD, all sillyness aside. You and I are very different. Once I became aware of my WS infidelity, and had to come to grips with the mental images of her sharing "intimate moments" and being penetrated by her BF, I no long felt the same about her. All the love and loyalty dissappeared and were immediately replace by anger and loss. Forgiveness was not possible, is not possible. I can tell you with absolute certainty that if she was in a car accident that croaked her now husband and left her crippled for life that I would not be able to come to her aid. It would not be me tending to her. I am no longer capable of loving her in any modality. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as the mother of my children. Either are much more compassionate and understanding than I am... or much more Dependant (not necessairly a negetive, circumstances differ). I once told her that if her hair was on fire I wouldn't piss on her. That wasn't a good cyollogy for not saving her if her life was threatened. I reality I would save her, with exactly the same effort and vigor that I would afford a stranger. As that is what she became that day. A stranger. I think and this is JMHO, that you would have benefited from working through some of your feelings with the ex-wife. You seem to have some bitterness and anger still. Perhaps it is not a matter of being "more compassionate" or "dependant." There is a myriad of other possibilities. The obvious, as you mentioned is that circumstances do differ. For me, I think I have had a lot of practice with betrayal and forgiveness. Unbelievable to some, you have to first forgive yourself. Forgive my poor choice in men (like my dad), for not noticing, for not investigating, for not understanding, for not reacting quicker, for forgiving too quickly -- natural feelings which I think OOD is now working through. (I had to recognize and also work through an underlying anger towards my mother and father -- this has been an incredible breakthrough for me as well) I learned from betrayal by family members whom I could not divorce or run away from, a great many things. Not that I didn't try. In time, I got to see the person beyond the injury they caused me and lo and behold, there was love still in my heart. And for me it is a more honest love. This is something I've come to in my old age. Things I was forced to process and confront as a result of my husband's betrayal. I am not sure I would have gotten this far had he left when I told him to or had I gone when I wanted to (running away, my favorite coping mechanism). I don't stay because of the kids. I stay because my husband is a good person who has shown me a lot of love (not just pain). Because though hard for many to understand, we have always had an incredibly good marriage. And I think of my own past and the many people I hurt and how they too forgave me and love me nonetheless. And I think of my own children and how imperfect they are and I hope that if they do make such a mistake, that they will be considered beyond their mistakes. Feeling a bit philosophical today.
East of Jupiter Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 nah, that's coal!! So I can stop polishing now? < I think he likes it >
lostboy60645 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Thanks for all of the great posts here. I'm still a newbie and I certainly feel the honesty coming through, and even the emotion, although my therapist reminds me that emotions can't be expressed in print (??...oh well, guess Shakespeare and Robert Browning etc, etc, could not get the message across...). Lakeside, you've pointed out a really important lesson for the cheaters, or turds, if you will. I'll never know the depth of the pain that I caused my wife. And the work I do now, in recovery, is for myself and my boys. I suppose if she sees evidence my progress over the years, it may give her hope that people can rehabilitate, although I know it will never change the past or how much I hurt her. Your powerful comments regarding: and had to come to grips with the mental images of her sharing "intimate moments" and being penetrated by her BF, I no long felt the same about her. All the love and loyalty dissappeared and were immediately replace by anger and loss. Forgiveness was not possible, is not possible. hits home very deeply with me. Although my mental state was so screwed up when I was paying streetwalkers for sex, words like those above really resonate with me, as I continue a program of recovery for my own compulsive behaviors (including the infidelity). I'm grateful for everyone's expression of honesty, emotion and wisdom here. Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
LakesideDream Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I think and this is JMHO, that you would have benefited from working through some of your feelings with the ex-wife. You seem to have some bitterness and anger still. EastofJupiter, Bitterness and anger? Ah... bitterness OK. I have no problem remembering the whole enviournment surrounding the "I need space to find myself speach", after "making love" the night before, and sharing a nice lunch and weekend afternoon. If that wasn't enough, I found out that "I need space to find myself" was code for "I'm balling my High School boyfriend, and want to live happily ever after with him" just a week later... after a mear 25 years of marriage. Personally I think that would make maple syrup bitter. Anger? Not for years. I haven't felt anger of any sort in over five years. I suspect, and am not anxious to confirm that anger is an emotion I reserve for people I care about. Seriously.. I can't be angry with her. She did what she did, it shouldn't of suprised me.
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