uniqueone Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I'm feeling depressed again about the ex-guy....guess I'm just still thinking about it and the fact that I have no new prospects in sight doesn't help (in the past, I've at least had new prospects). What is upsetting me is how, if he really fits the narcissist pattern, that makes it all the worse that he hasn't tried to contact me. They're the ones who often try to contact the person later. It's not that I'd take him back, but it's the lack of him missing me. And especially the lack of a narcissist missing me since they cant' stand to lose attention.
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 It's normal to have the ups and downs. As for whether he's missing you, I personally think you're pretty brave to be thinking along those lines. I know I couldn't do it. But for what it's worth...if he was missing you, he'd have been in touch with you. I don't think our ex-es miss us. Plus, as you've posted previously about your ex-guy, he has plenty other women to distract him. For what it's worth I try to focus on myself rather than on what he's thinking and feeling...bottom line is, he hurt me very badly and he isn't making any effort to make it right...which probably means he really doesn't care and I don't need people in my life who don't care about me. If that makes any sense.
Author uniqueone Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 But for what it's worth...if he was missing you, he'd have been in touch with you. I don't think our ex-es miss us. I'm afraid that this is making me feel even downer.
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I'm afraid that this is making me feel even downer.I know, I'm sorry. I wish I could say something different which would make it better but the truth is, it made me down too. He doesn't contact me because he doesn't miss me and doesn't care. I dunno, I guess I find the harshness of the situation easier to deal with, because if I try to find excuses for him (he's busy with the kids at the weekend etc) I only come crashing down further later. I'm sorry.
kittensmittens Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 What is upsetting me is how, if he really fits the narcissist pattern, that makes it all the worse that he hasn't tried to contact me. They're the ones who often try to contact the person later. But don't you see? It's not that he is or isn't missing YOU....he would only be missing/seeking the adoration. If he has someone to provide that, that's all he needs. It has nothing to do with them or you. It's like missing someone who holds the mirror just right for him. I know how you feel though. My ex is apparently moving on to greener pastures after leaving this one a big burning mess. It hurts that he doesn't love me enough to come back and correct his mistakes and stick with me for the long haul. He would rather have fun. Honestly, I feel abandoned. I feel left out in the cold and forgotten by the person who I thought truly loved me. It sucks. ...bottom line is, he hurt me very badly and he isn't making any effort to make it right...which probably means he really doesn't care and I don't need people in my life who don't care about me. I still miss him. But this made me feel a little better.
AriaIncognito Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Not to bring any false hope, BUT... If the ex truly did care about YOU, and he/she left because they knew they weren't who was best for you, then they are doing the caring thing by not contacting. Sure, this probably isn't the case in most, but you never know. The fact that they don't seem to miss us because they don't contact us, doesn't necessarily hold true in this case. In my past, I had an ex that supposedly cared and that's why he didn't contact, because he knew he wasn't right for me (even though I thought otherwise) and he wanted me to move on and get over him. Not yet over him, but one day, I will be. And I look forward to that day.
WhiteKnight Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Well to be honest with my ex's, all of them wanted to be friends of me in some way (whether it was just online or in person but done seldomely). Since I had been through 8 kind of relationships the first 2 ex's did not want anything to do with me, they tried crawling their way back to me asking for help and I said "No, you left me. Sorry my hands are tide." Those ex's were acting deviously to me before hand so they left when they could not persuade me. Well the next 5 ex's of mine stayed as friends with me but they faded, I felt bad when I found out their contact details had changed and I was not told about it. So I'm guessing that they would not want to hear from me anymore, they left and I felt forgotten. I was hurt but I got over it in a way to accept they are moving on with their lives. The 8th ex, who was my fiance, she and I don't talk anymore since June this year. Why? I dunno. Maybe we don't have anything to say to each other. Maybe I can not get along with her anymore, maybe she is busy with work and her husband (that she cheated on), who knows... but do I care about her? Yea I do, that's why I stay so distant from her and never initiated a conversation with her or spoke to her at all. She does the talking, and I always will let her make up for the friendship and try to repair it. I would agree with Chinook that you would be pretty brave to think about your ex, but you know Uniqueone its not the end of the world when your ex does or does not contact you. Generally when an EX does not contact you can vary from... Does not want to do anything with you (otherwords does not care)Can not communicate with you, having difficulty of initiate a good conversation like before (before you got togther)Feels unsure or uncertain how you will respond/react to his/her questions or conversationsCares about you a lot, knows that the relationship did not work out but has come to acceptance and tries to stay very neutralStays distant and tries not to get involved with you in any way or form (similiar to avoidance and does not want to know you but in either case, it could be referred as an excuse for staying very busy when have nothing to say)Very busy with family, work or other real life commitmentsBut the thing is though, we may or may not know the real reason behind it. We can guess or assume things but we can never get the right answer unless that ex were to tell ya the truth, harsh as it sounds, sometimes you just have to accept that life is full of mysteries. For me, I don't miss my ex's because I keep the good feelings and memories of them. But for the ex's who left me and don't want to know me anymore, I do the same to them. Generally I don't worry too much about any of my ex's, if they wanted to contact me... they know how to try to get a hold of me through my friends. I understand that you want to have attention, fair enough. I used to love my last ex who wanted attention but because she just lost her reputation for cheating on her husband with me and me not knowing that she is married and all. Abused the friendship, me betrayed her trust. The list goes longer than my arm out of reach. However the bottom line is that my ex wanted a friendship, I gave it to her to try and sort things out but its slowly not working out so I left her purely alone because I know I'm still hurt, even though I have my own partner. So I kept all my feelings closed up. I know she still cares about me and I do as well, but I show respect to her through a way of caring that I'm always there for her if she needs someone to talk to. Even if I don't hear from her, I know she will be thinking about me once in awhile wondering what my true intensions are but she does not know me that well enough to understand why I am keeping my own distance from her. I do what I am told to do but at the same time you can not fit in with everyone sometimes. When I got over my last 7 ex's, I felt alright and it was a wonderful feeling too. As for my 8th ex, she and I are trying to get over each other and the past that wounded us, including our friends that got involved as well. So it takes a lot of time to recover from a tragic past. So Uniqueone, you are not alone there. I think you will find what suits you best, follow your heart.
Author uniqueone Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I alternate between wanting to hear from him and thinking "that *********...why do i even care about him?" It doesn't help that I have no one else to distract me either. The thing is, even though he's always talked to plenty of women, if I didn't respond back to an e-mail of his, he'd HAVE to call me right away. He couldn't stand to be ignored. So I guess that's why I'm upset that this isn't bothering him.
sao2 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 When my ex and I broke up we first took a 2 week break. After the break she told me she was devestated that I hadn't contacted her in that time. What I am getting at is it completely possible that he is sitting over where he is upset that you haven't tried to contact him. No contact is a double edged sword and yes it sucks but the reality of the situation is you have to ask yourself what exactly you would want to hear from him if he did contact you? You are now out of that situation, out of that drama. I thought about contacting the ex yesterday and finally realized that there is no point to doing that.
Author uniqueone Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 When my ex and I broke up we first took a 2 week break. After the break she told me she was devestated that I hadn't contacted her in that time. What I am getting at is it completely possible that he is sitting over where he is upset that you haven't tried to contact him. No contact is a double edged sword and yes it sucks but the reality of the situation is you have to ask yourself what exactly you would want to hear from him if he did contact you? You are now out of that situation, out of that drama. I thought about contacting the ex yesterday and finally realized that there is no point to doing that. I tried contacting him for a few weeks and he ignored me. So now I've stopped for the last month. Well one thing he could respond with is whether or not he has my things I asked about.
frd150 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Hey unique, ur not alone this weekend.Remember last weekend when I had so much to do? Well,this weekend is completely oppisate. I cleaned the house, did some work outside and now nothing.Picked up my laptop and decided to check on you guys. Hey Chinook,hey Aria,and the rest. As I was doing things this morning I was having similar thoughts as you. One thought triggered me and that was when she told someone that it was now me that had to put in the effort. Am I messing up by not constantly contacting her.Is that the effort she wanted? Did she want to see how far i would take it? Her othe relationships ended in with a lot of drama. One guy even threatened to kill himself and her.No no not me. Yeah I did all the typicall stuff at first but now I think that I am Showing her respect and love by not bothering her. The last call from her was earlier in the week I missed it but I did call later. I left her a message no return so my thought is that if she truly wanted to talk she would call. There is no way for her to know that I am not ignoring her I can only hope that she is smart enough to realize that I am showing respect by not being a pest. Maybe she is a narcissist and she only contacts me when she needs a boost and attention. Funny,I'm just thinking that she has called me a couple of times to complain about her best friend being to busy to do stuff with her. Oh,and the text she sent me about me ignoring her and not wanting to talk. HMMMM. Anyone of you know of any good links on this stuff? I'm seeing a pattern. Sorry for my rant. I tend to do that sometimes:rolleyes:. You see your not alone. We all get theese thoughts. Point is, that yes, this whole thing is a double edged sword. No contact = we are a**holes contact=we are needy and seem desperate. Too bad you dont live here its a great day for a ride.
Zapbasket Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 As I was doing things this morning I was having similar thoughts as you. One thought triggered me and that was when she told someone that it was now me that had to put in the effort. Am I messing up by not constantly contacting her.Is that the effort she wanted? Did she want to see how far i would take it? Her othe relationships ended in with a lot of drama. One guy even threatened to kill himself and her.No no not me. Yeah I did all the typicall stuff at first but now I think that I am Showing her respect and love by not bothering her. The last call from her was earlier in the week I missed it but I did call later. I left her a message no return so my thought is that if she truly wanted to talk she would call. There is no way for her to know that I am not ignoring her I can only hope that she is smart enough to realize that I am showing respect by not being a pest. Point is, that yes, this whole thing is a double edged sword. No contact = we are a**holes contact=we are needy and seem desperate. Yeah, I totally don't get this. The last communication between my partner (I have to figure out what to call him; I so hate the term "ex") was on February 13 and ended with this e-mailed sentence: "I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me." And so, I haven't contacted him. I haven't even done the dial-and-hang-up thing. My friends have all said that he's probably very surprised that I haven't tried to contact him, as that would be more like me than accepting total silence. (For example, whenever he would hang up on me despite myself I would ALWAYS call him right back.) And I've wondered whether his possible "surprise" at my silence has ever made him kind-of wish that I *would* contact him, since he might have expected, from the fact that I always strove to keep us in communication in the relationship, that even his e-mail wouldn't eradicate me for good. Like you, I fear that if that's the case, he might think I've written him off and have moved on. But what I don't get is: if you tell someone in no uncertain terms to get lost, how moronic would it be to then wonder why they haven't called? Surely, if you're the one who initiated the breakup and demanded no contact, you would feel the onus was on YOU to initiate contact, no? Or is that really not always the case? I have never in my life told someone never to speak to me again, so I can't relate to "The Other Side." One thing I'm pretty much decided on: I'm struggling enough as it is; the LAST THING I'm going to do is risk my own dignity by contacting him. If he's so stupid as to be pining away in his neck of the woods, wondering why I haven't called, I'm certainly not going to help him out of that quagmire. And if he's relieved not to have heard from me, so much so that he's forgotten all about me, then no way in hell is he going to be the recipient of any more honey drops from my heart, telling him how much I miss him and love him--just so he can ignore them. (This is not to say that I don't still struggle--daily!--with the impulse to contact him:p.)
Author uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Hey unique, ur not alone this weekend.Remember last weekend when I had so much to do? Well,this weekend is completely oppisate. I cleaned the house, did some work outside and now nothing.Picked up my laptop and decided to check on you guys. Hey Chinook,hey Aria,and the rest. As I was doing things this morning I was having similar thoughts as you. One thought triggered me and that was when she told someone that it was now me that had to put in the effort. Am I messing up by not constantly contacting her.Is that the effort she wanted? Did she want to see how far i would take it? Her othe relationships ended in with a lot of drama. One guy even threatened to kill himself and her.No no not me. Yeah I did all the typicall stuff at first but now I think that I am Showing her respect and love by not bothering her. The last call from her was earlier in the week I missed it but I did call later. I left her a message no return so my thought is that if she truly wanted to talk she would call. There is no way for her to know that I am not ignoring her I can only hope that she is smart enough to realize that I am showing respect by not being a pest. Maybe she is a narcissist and she only contacts me when she needs a boost and attention. Funny,I'm just thinking that she has called me a couple of times to complain about her best friend being to busy to do stuff with her. Oh,and the text she sent me about me ignoring her and not wanting to talk. HMMMM. Anyone of you know of any good links on this stuff? I'm seeing a pattern. Sorry for my rant. I tend to do that sometimes:rolleyes:. You see your not alone. We all get theese thoughts. Point is, that yes, this whole thing is a double edged sword. No contact = we are a**holes contact=we are needy and seem desperate. Too bad you dont live here its a great day for a ride. I do keep pretty busy so it's not like I'm sitting home dwelling and doing nothing, but still...... In fact, I've had a pretty exhausting day...out on the trail....running errands......cleaning the house....gardening.......researching major appliances......ok, that last one really wasn't fun...and neither is the fact that my refrigerator is on the fritz........ I didn't get finished until 9 pm (not too long ago). But my thoughts don't stop unfortunately and I'm alone through it all. Can't say I mind being alone sometimes....just not all the time. I did have a 60-something year old man who I helped with something awhile back call me. I thought he wanted my help again. No...he wanted to know if I wanted to go to an outdoor concert with him tonight. And he said he thinks he's seen me out on the trail lately. (note to self: must wear better disguise next time.) I told him I had to look at refrigerators. He asked if I wanted some help. I said er...no thanks. I told him I had to go as I was heading in the store now and he said he'd call back later to see if I could go. I told him I didn't think I could. He tried to talk me into it anyway. I told him I had to go. He called back later....twice on my cell phone and once on my home phone. I didn't answer. For some reason, this all made me feel worse instead of better. The only one calling is a 60 something year old man who's hard of hearing, has had quadruple bypass surgery and whose house looks like it hasn't changed since 1982. No...this wasn't the boost I was looking for. Btw, your area sounds like a much better place to ride! (what coast is it anyway?)
frd150 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I do keep pretty busy so it's not like I'm sitting home dwelling and doing nothing, but still...... In fact, I've had a pretty exhausting day...out on the trail....running errands......cleaning the house....gardening.......researching major appliances......ok, that last one really wasn't fun...and neither is the fact that my refrigerator is on the fritz........ I didn't get finished until 9 pm (not too long ago). But my thoughts don't stop unfortunately and I'm alone through it all. Can't say I mind being alone sometimes....just not all the time. I did have a 60-something year old man who I helped with something awhile back call me. I thought he wanted my help again. No...he wanted to know if I wanted to go to an outdoor concert with him tonight. And he said he thinks he's seen me out on the trail lately. (note to self: must wear better disguise next time.) I told him I had to look at refrigerators. He asked if I wanted some help. I said er...no thanks. I told him I had to go as I was heading in the store now and he said he'd call back later to see if I could go. I told him I didn't think I could. He tried to talk me into it anyway. I told him I had to go. He called back later....twice on my cell phone and once on my home phone. I didn't answer. For some reason, this all made me feel worse instead of better. The only one calling is a 60 something year old man who's hard of hearing, has had quadruple bypass surgery and whose house looks like it hasn't changed since 1982. No...this wasn't the boost I was looking for. Btw, your area sounds like a much better place to ride! (what coast is it anyway?) Hey unique, Not saying that you just sit around. I have have those days all the time. Today was one of them. I went for my ride came home and My roomate and his girlfriend drug me out to dinner. I guess it was not a total loss. Had a couple of margaritas. I just bought some G.E. stuff pretty happy. If you have a Lowes around they have a great interest free program.Just make sure you pay it off within the given time or they get you:mad:. You know if you sit back and think about the old man its kinda funny. Really, sorta flatering:). Im sure your prince will show when you are ready. Life has a funny way of doing that. It happens to me quite often. You know,things happening when you are ready but you just do not realize it. West coast. I ride alot in south O.C. . El Moro and whiting ranch. Lots of really cool trails. The coastal stuff is my favorite also about 15 degrees cooler than anything inland.
Author uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Hey unique, Not saying that you just sit around. I have have those days all the time. Today was one of them. I went for my ride came home and My roomate and his girlfriend drug me out to dinner. I guess it was not a total loss. Had a couple of margaritas. I just bought some G.E. stuff pretty happy. If you have a Lowes around they have a great interest free program.Just make sure you pay it off within the given time or they get you:mad:. You know if you sit back and think about the old man its kinda funny. Really, sorta flatering:). Im sure your prince will show when you are ready. Life has a funny way of doing that. It happens to me quite often. You know,things happening when you are ready but you just do not realize it. West coast. I ride alot in south O.C. . El Moro and whiting ranch. Lots of really cool trails. The coastal stuff is my favorite also about 15 degrees cooler than anything inland. I have to take my fridge back to the place I bought the old one because the old one is going back under the no-lemon policy. Yep, two years of problems with it. Don't get a Samsung! The old man....flattering? Hmmm...somehow I don't see it that way. I should ask him where his live in girlfriend is and why he's not going to the concert with her. Maybe they broke up....maybe we'll see him here on LS talking about it..... No fair you live in a nicer part of the country than me....I need to move. My plan this year was to do more traveling. I wanted to take a weekend trip to Chicago but the people I've considered going with all turned out to be bad candidates. Well, maybe if I meet someone, I'll go. I don't really want to go alone. The thing is, I'm finally wanting to do things...it's been a long, long time since I've been ready to and this isn't related to any breakup. Thing is though, I don't really want to do all of the things alone.
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