womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I met a woman about 5 yrs ago who was in a committed R who was going thru some problems. Her boyfriend was cheating, but she didn't want to leave him b/c they had 2 kids & 13 yrs of time together. We exchanged numbers and talked on and off, we finally went on a date about 6 mos later. We kissed, but nothing happened. We lost touch for about a year & a half. We started to talk again, same situation again w/ live-in boyfriend. This time I went further and we started to have an affair (3-4 times a week). She became pregnant 4 mos later and then gave birth to a little girl...we stopped seeing each other for a while...then resumed right were we left off. She got pregnant again...and gave birth to a little boy. There is a strong possibility that the little girl is mine and 100% on the boy, but she won't tell her live-in boyfriend. She says it's about finances b/c they own a 1/2 million dollar home together and she doesn't want to break up the family. She's very callous about the whole situation, she tells me it was all about the sex and to try to move on w/ my life. Then she comes over for her weekly 'sex fix' but then doesn't bring the kids for me to see. Some of my friends feel like I got a 'get out of jail free' card and that I should just disappear. I'm going thru 1st yr of Med school right now, so I don't have the $$ to make serious contribution for my 2 kids. I feel kinda cheated b/c I'm missing out. I promised her I would not say anything...but as the months/years go by, I feel cheated. That guys gets all the compliments in the world on how beautiful those children are, not to mention the joy they probably bring him. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't see this same pattern continuing. Pls advice only, no judging
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 You're enabling her behaviour by allowing sex to continue again. If you want it to stop and you want your affair with her over, just do it. Take control and end it. The truth will come out someday, I mean, god forbid those kids have a medical emergency, and tests are taken, all of you will find out who is the father of both kids. What do you want to happen? For her to leave him for you? For you to walk away and live your life, finish Med School? Anyway, until a paternity test is done, you don't know if one or both kids are yours or his. Just because she had sex with you and the timing seemed right, she also could have had sex with him too.....
Author womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 whichwayisup, I want to finish Med school. I also want to DNA test these kids for peace of mind, then I plan on opening a 'trust fund' for my biological child(ren). I feel I owe them that at a minimum. As far as revealing the paternity results to other guy, I promised her to remain silent. Don't know, I respect her wishes, that home she's built w/ him means alot to her...even if it's built on a foundation of infidelity, lies, etc. Then again, maybe I'm just buying time till I get my career set, then get everything out in the open...don't know...very confused. Thanks for listening.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Well, if one or both of those kids are yours, he WILL find out the truth. Doubt that you can get away with a DNA test without him finding out. You should go talk to a counsellor, there's alot going on in your life, it will help you cope better.
KATANYA Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 She has two other kids that aren't mentioned in your dilemna but think about the impact on all the children if this situation were to "explode" at their young ages - you and she decided to have an affair, the kids are innocent! I can't imagine how hard it is for you to wonder every day if the children are your own but until you have a firm plan for how you are going to handle the fall out of this, I would do nothing! If you want to open a trust account - do it! Consider it an investment if it later turns out the child(ren) aren't yours!! I would be very cautious about any further pregnancies as well (once a mistake, twice?? that's just careless!); get your own life in order, talk to her and make a plan if the two or you can but above all else, really think about the children and what kind of impact this will have on them - they don't have a choice in getting hurt but we have a choice in protecting them! On a final thought, good luck with your studies. If you are the daddy of two and you want to be a part of their lives in an open way, chances are the MM will not want anything to do with this situation and you will need that income to support your kids and possibly her as well. Good luck!
Madame de Pompadour Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like a mess. I'm very sorry for you. One thing that no one has mentioned is...how will those kids feel when they get older and find out their biological father is someone they don't know and they were never given the opportunity to know him? Don't you think THEY might feel cheated that the adults in their lives chose to hide the truth from them? And yes you are missing out on a lot by not being allowed to bond with those children if they are in fact, yours. It's a mess for sure. You're not in a position financially to support them, so you probably don't want to go to court right now to get the paternity tests ordered because then you will also be responsible for child support. Unfortunately, that's probably the ONLY way that you will be able to get any kind of visitation rights with the kids. I have a feeling that sometime in the future, this will all blow up, and you will end up with a whole lot of regrets about how things were handled. I don't have any good advice for you except to NOT sleep with her anymore and if you have to.....INSIST on birth control!
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I'm sorry your screenname means woman was created below, right? What exactly does that mean to you?
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I say move on ... forget about her and the kids... you cannot destroy these children's life just because you fathered them... They have a father now... it's the H... she wants nothing to do with you... that was a big mistake from both of you... you are just as irresponsible as she was in that whole thing... and now you want to f*ck up the kids' lives... get a grip man! You have no right to destroy a whole family because you had some fun for a couple of years.
Author womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Thanks for all the input posters. I thought about all your comments and feel like getting my life together is one of my top priorities. I feel that a trust fund is appropriate no matter what happens. I will develop a firm plan before I proceed any further. As far as the kids go, I will have to respect her wishes and remain silent about the matter. I feel though that I should keep some kind of contact w/ her to know if she needs anything from me (not sex). I will get a DNA on both children this fall, thru an independent lab w/out court oversight, have the results mailed to my home. It is just to know...I need that, if that's all I can have. I know that I had a major part in how all this has transpired, but there was a point in time where she hinted at leaving him for me...I guess it was just lip service to keep me around to satisfy her needs. She told me that her man could not make her climax and that I didn't have that problem. She made me feel good about myself and the excitement of an A was also enticing. Anyways, I believed her and thought there was a possible future for us. I don't believe that anymore. If the truth comes out, it won't be me who reveals it. I will be her and if that happens I will be there for those kids.
Author womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I'm sorry your screenname means woman was created below, right? What exactly does that mean to you? Well when I was creating my profile I was listening to my fav band Led Zeppelin and this song "Dazed & confused" was playing...the lyrics say "woman was created below" made me think of her and how she manipulated me.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I feel that a trust fund is appropriate no matter what happens. Meaning if the kids are yours, right? But, what if they aren't? Still plan on giving that trust fund? I feel though that I should keep some kind of contact w/ her to know if she needs anything from me (not sex). No. She shouldn't rely on you for anything. Not emotional support, no friendship. She needs to go to her H, not you. if that happens I will be there for those kids. Yes, but her H will know the truth. She CANNOT keep that from him, let him believe those kids are his, when infact they aren't.
Author womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I mean if they are mine, trust fund for sure. I mean distant contact when I talk about her...I cannot disappear w/out a trace. Medical emergency may arise where I'm needed, that kinda thing. As far as any revelations, it's outta my control right now. It's something that she'll have to deal w/.
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