scottydog Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Question for you girls, will you start noticing if your guy suddenly (or progressively) starts to put less effort into you and think it's something that you did to cause it? or think that all the nice things he said about you and what you have together to be less genuine? I'm currently in some pseudo-relationship with this girl. I call it pseudo because she's not entirely emotionally available. My impression was that in her previous relationship (which ended a year ago), she was the one who always put in the effort and now she's a commitment phobe. Despite her self-proclaimation as afraid of commitment or afraid of being in a relationship, we've been seeing each other for 3 months now, even taken two trips together and do all the things "couples" do, hold hands, talk on the phone at least every other day and we're exclusive. It's kinda confusing and I don't know where this is all going. I've been the one who has been putting forth the effort 100% and I'm beginning to feel that the more I do, the greater the chance in this hurting more when it doesn't work out. The only remedy to this I feel is to put less effort into this, calling less, holding back how I feel about her, etc. But I'm afraid that she might think she did something wrong or that I am not genuine about how I feel about her. To make things worse is that we're doing the long distance thing (1 hr flight) for the past month. Two months prior, we used to see each other almost every day when I lived in the same city. Putting less effort now would also mean not flying her up or me flying down to see her and just use "busy at work" as an excuse. In the end, I see only one thing happening - the end of our pseudo-relationship. Or could something good come out of this?
daphne Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Scotty, I feel like I'm your girlfriend. If you withdraw or pull back, she will see the inconsistency and it will shake her up. In a bad way. Part of the reason she's holding back is to see if you're genuine, if she's anything like me. She doesn't want the rug pulled out from under her. If you're patient, there is a likelihood that if she does really like you she'll start to become more emotionally available. She's like me. Not a cp, just has tendencies but capable of having a healthy relationship. Now if she's not reciprocating at all, I don't think you should be putting much effort into this. But if she's just holding back a little emotionally, she's watching to see if you're consistent and reliable. I felt compelled to write because the last guy I was seeing decided to pull back after I told him I was slightly commitmentphobic, and it ruined everything. He started off like gangbusters, and when he pulled back somewhat abruptly, it set a negative spin on everything and his inconsistency made me very leery. I couldn't let my guard down and he got worse so it's just over now. Just assess whether or not she does have a high enough interest level in you to continue making an effort. It's tough, but there are usually signs.
Author scottydog Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 Scotty, If you're patient, there is a likelihood that if she does really like you she'll start to become more emotionally available. She's like me. Not a cp, just has tendencies but capable of having a healthy relationship. Now if she's not reciprocating at all, I don't think you should be putting much effort into this. But if she's just holding back a little emotionally, she's watching to see if you're consistent and reliable. Just assess whether or not she does have a high enough interest level in you to continue making an effort. It's tough, but there are usually signs. Thanks for your post. It was encouraging. I suppose I cannot say that she hasn't done anything for me. She's made the effort to fly to see me despite her slight discomfort for flying and she made the 7 hour drive with me once so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I guess I want or need to hear some verbal cues as well and not just all action as I can be a skeptic. I guess I'm partly frustrated as well with the fact that I have to be holding back sometimes for fear of making her panic. I already did this once, a month ago when I sent flowers to her office and when people started asking who it was from, she later told me that despite liking the flowers, she felt scared and panicked. We obviously still continued to see each other after that. But it's like I have to second guess myself before doing anything romantic in nature. I was going to send her flowers today (officially 3 months today since we started seeing each other), but in the end, I decided it wasn't worth the effort and would probably just make her panic again. I'm trying hard to be patient and sometimes, over analyzing when I shouldn't. Partly because I just moved to a new city and I dont know anyone here and haven't found anything to really keep my mind occupied.
uniqueone Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Sounds like you want way more than she does. Plus how does she feel about you not living nearby anymore? I think as you meet new people you'll be less dependent upon her for meeting all of your emotional needs.
Author scottydog Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 Sounds like you want way more than she does. Plus how does she feel about you not living nearby anymore? I think as you meet new people you'll be less dependent upon her for meeting all of your emotional needs. Yeah, at this moment, I think I am wanting more than she does. She herself has said once that she doesn't know what she wants, but she doesn't want to regret letting me go or seeing where this goes. But you're right, as soon as I meet new people, I'll be less dependent on her for my emotional needs. Right now, I'm bored out of my mind and when that happens, I start to overanalyze things when I shouldn't.
daphne Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Scotty, Your situation does sound tough. I don't have a whole lot to go on. Does she reciprocate? Do you feel there is a high enough interest level? It sounds like she has made some efforts to see you, now that you moved. The panic over romantic gestures does seem a little odd, however. If you're consistent in your actions, the hesitancy should be disappearing a little. Is it still the same as the beginning? I kind of feel like I was in your shoes in one way, as opposed to your ex. You do want it more, and that puts you at a disadvantage. Keep busy and find something you like to do and start making friends.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Thanks for your post. It was encouraging. I suppose I cannot say that she hasn't done anything for me. She's made the effort to fly to see me despite her slight discomfort for flying and she made the 7 hour drive with me once so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I guess I want or need to hear some verbal cues as well and not just all action as I can be a skeptic. I guess I'm partly frustrated as well with the fact that I have to be holding back sometimes for fear of making her panic. I already did this once, a month ago when I sent flowers to her office and when people started asking who it was from, she later told me that despite liking the flowers, she felt scared and panicked. We obviously still continued to see each other after that. But it's like I have to second guess myself before doing anything romantic in nature. I was going to send her flowers today (officially 3 months today since we started seeing each other), but in the end, I decided it wasn't worth the effort and would probably just make her panic again. I'm trying hard to be patient and sometimes, over analyzing when I shouldn't. Partly because I just moved to a new city and I dont know anyone here and haven't found anything to really keep my mind occupied. Scotty, you must be kidding if you're concerned about her interest. For someone to want to fly 7 hours to see you when they're afraid of flying is actions speaking, no screaming, louder than words. Go slow with this one. She does care.
uniqueone Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Scotty, you must be kidding if you're concerned about her interest. For someone to want to fly 7 hours to see you when they're afraid of flying is actions speaking, no screaming, louder than words. Go slow with this one. She does care. I think you misread his post....it wasn't a 7 hour flight...it was a 7 hour drive. Personally, I don't take those things to mean much. I've seen people do things that would SEEM to mean that they cared for the person when really it didn't mean anything.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I think you misread his post....it wasn't a 7 hour flight...it was a 7 hour drive. Personally, I don't take those things to mean much. I've seen people do things that would SEEM to mean that they cared for the person when really it didn't mean anything. You're right. I did misread him. Regardless, a seven hour drive for most women by themselves, isn't normal behaviour. You have to want to be with someone, in order to spend that kind of time getting there.
Starry-eyed Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Part of the reason she's holding back is to see if you're genuine, if she's anything like me. She doesn't want the rug pulled out from under her. If you're patient, there is a likelihood that if she does really like you she'll start to become more emotionally available. ... But if she's just holding back a little emotionally, she's watching to see if you're consistent and reliable. Definitely could be this. There ARE people who are slow to give themselves emotionally even when they really like the person. And usually it is a sort of testing or waiting period to see how things go and what the person is really like and just getting to know each other. I can't tell whether she's really into you or not just from the few things you've said about her. IMO, if she really liked you she would not panic about receiving flowers at work. I've only ever known a woman to "panic" or freak about getting flowers if she's really not interested in the guy. LDR's are tough. Maybe you can meet someone closer to where you live now.
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