Big changes

[h2ofrek]

Aloha all,

I have been reading a lot of the posts on second chances and divorces from this site and have gained a lot of needed direction. Thank you all for that.

Now to the meat an taters: I am currently deployed and my wife has told me she is divorcing me and moving back to her home state, 4000 miles away. I got the news about a month ago and this ship has been like a prison since.

The history is that I have been controlling of her and our relationship and have been pretty horrible as a father and husband. I have been withdrawing from our relationship for about the last 5 years and used to think it was because I was too scared of sharing my pain with her, but I now realize that I was just trying to control her.

I wore her down and did not know how to do anything else. My mother was sexually abused by my granfather and she was a hrrible mother. Drinking, verbal and physical abuse, neglect, putting all of her happiness in me, the list goes on. Anyway, I, basically, turned into her through out the relationship with my wife, who I absolutely love and adore. I was unable to let myself show this to her and, the more I analize it, emotionally abused her.

So she is going to wait for my home-coming, stay in Hawaii for 2 more weeks so I can spend a little more time with my children, then fly home with her divorce in hand.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and she has things she needs to do, but I don't know if, when I retire in 2 years and move back to the same state as her and my children, I should even try to see her or just have an agreed upon exchange place for us to drop off the children and pick them up.

She is still very interested in my recovery and how I am doing in life, but she can not be wife and I understand that; but there is that little devil that keeps telling me, "you can win her back in 2 years of hard work..."

I need a reality check.

Thanx

[LakesideDream]

H2O, I'm not sure it's a reality check you are looking for.

 

My experiance? My experiance is that when a person makes the decision to end a relationship over time, with malice, and forthought it's for real.

 

Your thread is laced with reasons that you were not a good husband. That's not conducive to saving a marriage. You don't mention what you are "recovering" from, which would have been helpful.

 

You are in a tough situation. My suggestion, take it day to day. It doesen't sound like you will oppose the divorce. You may want to rethink moving near your wife when you seperate from service. It might be good to have some you time first.

 

I feel for you and I hope you are able to work through this mess and come out whole on the otherside.

[h2ofrek]

Lakeside,

Actually, I have been working on myself over the last month and I am reading books on where I have erred. I am not in an environment where I can really dig in and get professional help right now, but I have already scheduled an appointment with a therapist when we get back and I intend on attending an abussive men's group.

Right now I guess I am in the ownership stage, due to my circumstances and inability to seek therapy, and am feeling really bad about what I am learning about what I did to my family. I have started feeling again and it gets overwhelming at times, seeing how I have stuffed my feelings for the last 8 years.

Recovering is something that I am doing whole hardetly but with limitations. Being on a ship in the military is tuff. I am not making excuses, but I am searching for some body outside of the militery to help me make sense of what is happening inside me and help me to keep the focus on me and the changes I am being called on to make.

I owe my children the father that I never had or have been to them so far and that is the focus of where I am heading.

Thank you for your point of view.

[Gunny376]

As a retired Marine ~ its over. It's did and done! For the most part. Why?

 

Because you had a "mistress" and the "mistress" was your carrer in the Navy or the MC.

 

The Navy or MC are very demanding! The toughest job in the Navy or MC is being a Salior's or Marine's wife.

 

I know you did what you had to do to get where your at!I know the personal scraifice you've made! I most definately know!

 

I know what you've dealt with to keep a roof over your family's head! Food in their mouths, clothes on their backs! I know!

[LakesideDream]

Sadly Gunny, many (most?) women don't give a tinkers damn what a serviceman goes through. Not in peacetime, certainly not in time of War.

 

I cannot remember ever talking to the Gal I was "engaged" to when I upped. We were both just out of High School, she was having a great time being a hippie and spending my allottment. Not to mention "engaging" whatever struck her fancy both when I was in basic, later deployed. Both her older brothers were Air Force Pukes, one a ground crewman, the other AP. After seperation I remember keeping my mouth shut while they talked at the family dinner table about the "horror" of being mortared at the DaNang airbase. What a pity, probably messed up their chow schedule, or maybe their shower time? What could I have said that they would have understood.. more, what could I have said that wouldn't have gaurenteed a bit of sexless racktime with the GF?

 

After she was gone, I met my ex. We never had a single discussion of what went on in country. She would leave the room when a buddies came over. Remember this began when it was only four years after. I had (still have) a neat stainless cage around 3 disks in my spine that I couldn't ignore (yup they give you a card to show at the airport), and an endless supply of pussey boils caused by surfacing debris .. from being "mortared" gasp! I don't think she ever noticed the hole in my forearm, or thigh either. If she did she didn't mention it.

 

It's just not on their radar. Over eighty percent of the "protesters" that wished us ill when we came home (I cleaned that up) were gals. It was the gals that talked all the trash. The "men" wern't so anxious to be "confrontational".

 

I remember wishing my hair would just grow faster so I could get laid......

[LakesideDream]

Wow, I just realized I have never said those things before.. to anyone. LS sure loosens your inhibitions.

[hope4best]

I recently found the marriage builders website, it makes a lot of sense to me and has really opened my eyes, check it out, read the marriage busters part too ( I realized a lot about myself when I did) and if it sounds like things you have done, try it out, it can't hurt and at the very least you will learn some useful communication tools for the future.

[h2ofrek]

First off, thanx to Gunny and Lakeside. As a fellow member of the armed services I appreciate your POV's; keeps things in perspective.

So I've got this book called "Why does he do that? yada yada yada..." and it is about abbusive men in relationships. Basically it is like reading my own thoughts from through out the years with my wife and kids, and it makes my skin crawl to realize that I have been a controling maipulative abbusive man. It is also relieving because I have been searching for the issues that I want to change in my self, but so far nothing has really hit home like this.

Yeah, I had a messed up childhood, but I am learning that that has been an excuse for me to allow myself to act the way I have to gain sympathy from my family. There are a whole slew of issues that I have tryed to deal with throughout the years, but they never really got to the core of what my problems are.

I am a user and controlling, abbusive man and I feel relieved to finally have a direction to point myself in. As disturbing as this sounds, I am glad to finally realize where my issues stem from! Now I know the hard part begins...

I have 2 years and a few deployments mixed in, but I am anxious to start this new way of thinking and dealing with life. I am tired of being so empty and unfeeling about things that are truely important to me. I don't know, maybe I am destinned to be alone. I sure miss the warmth of a woman. I'm gonna get a dog. Maybe I can learn a little bit of unconditional love from him.

Anyway, I am called upon to change and it is time to be a man and take charge of this shipwreck of life I have lived and quit using my past and perceived pain as an excuse for living misserably. I wish I had your metal Gunny. I also wish that I actually had something as painful as you had Lakeside to validate this way of being I have become. I mean real pain, not emotional sh*t, but something that made me count my heartbeats and thank the mighty ether for every one of them.

Any way if anyone out there has found themselves to be abbusive and has honestly tryed to change, I could use some pointers on the journey I am about to embark upon.

Thanx

[LakesideDream]

I've never "abused" anyone, no woman, no child, certainly no one I loved. I did neutralize a few of my countries enemies. That's what we do. Oh... and I do have a great cat.

 

This may sound to simple to you H2o, but it might be the best advice you get, and exactly what you need.

 

LISTEN UP!

 

Un-F**k yourself Sailor. You know right from wrong. It's time to start living right, and ignoring what's wrong.

 

You didn't need books to tell you that you were acting like a stubborn, self centered prick did you?

 

Behave yourself out of your mess. Don't wait for a stateside shrink to coddle you, change your diapers, and tell you bedtime stories. DO IT YOURSELF.

 

What others do for you is never done as well as what you do for yourself.

[LakesideDream]

H2O, a little something to think about. I don't know about your Navy.. but I do know that if Gunny had you in his platoon, your head would be on straight, and you'd be pissing him Kentucky Burbon in a week.

 

Or.. it really wouldn't matter.

[h2ofrek]

Hoo-yah lakeside.

Thanks for the gut check.

[Gunny376]

No.# 2 Principle of the Principles of Leadership from the "Guidebook For Marines"

 

Know yourself and seek self improvement.

 

Sounds like your on the path.

 

Points well made and taken LSD, a lot of women think the only thing needed to make a car run is a key!

[h2ofrek]

Let me just clarify, I am not talking about physical abuse. I never touched my family in a threatening manner. It was more sinister and hidden. I emotionally abused them and used control and an over-inflated sense of self importance.

It still hurts though.

Thanx

[Chinook]

H2O like the guys say, you're on the way. I've never been in the military and I've never been in a war. But... I've made many personal sacrifices and overcome lots of adversity and like LSD says, when you do it yourself, you hand yourself back your own sense of self and your self-esteem and my friend, half of the problem with emotionally abusive adults is they lack self-esteem. Oh, and don't mix self-esteem up with self-image - the two are not the same thing. Work on yourself more and you may win her back, but you may not. That's a chance you have to take. But most definitely you will win YOU back and that's a hell of a start. Good luck sailor.