funkybassplayer Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 hey guys, you know sometimes you have been in a relationship, then it ends, and they just walk strait into another one? You feel angry, hurt, upset, and unloved. Many people that do this, you will find are very inscure, needy, and often selfish. This happened to me, but it made me feel so low, i looked for help, and have had phycology coaching. Its amazing, so much fits into place, its like the emotions and the mechanics are compleatly seperate. Let me explain what i feel. Maybe try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe they hurt so much that they do that they have done what they always do with all issues they cannot face-cut it out of thier lives and hope you will just go away. Why Guilt? or pain from abandoning us when the going gets tough. you will find that this goes far deeper into their minds from something that happened along time ago, thats in the closet-baggage. If you have been dumped by some1 like this, and this is happened, i can almost gurantee that the reason why was b/c you were getting close, and that scares them, they have to face thier own issues for the relationship to continue. My ex did this to me, and also stopped me from having contact with the kids, that she knew i loved, and they me. I could not ever take that away from a decent person, nor the kids. But thats me, how i think. She said that it was her new fella that stopped us from contact. Which he did, but i also think, deep down she will be hurting and feeling guilt for taking them from my life. So what does she do, turn away and compleatly cut me from her life, like i was never there. Its just easy for her to handle it like this. now you can say its too protect the kids. Now she knows they loved me as i them, and i would never hurt the kids, or make them feel unloved, i would have just been a friend in there lives. and if shes honest, she knows that the kids would have loved me in there lives (the eldest girl has me as a contact on msn) Im hoping one day, they will come back to me as a freind, as i miss them all very much. At the end of the relationship, i expressed that i was ok being friends with her and the kids, this is what she wanted, and i would like that. If it truly is down to the new fella, then all i can say is that he is very controlling, and has issues, that will no dought come up during thier relationship as it progresses. These i can gurantee you wont stop at being a friend with an ex (something i never had a problem with) but will come up with just friends and anything that he is not happy with that she does. But what im saying is who has the right to break the bond between people once that bond has been made? I guess all i can do, is in a few weeks let her know that her and the kids gave me a wonderful part of my life, and that i will remember that, so rather than make her feel bad, i want to make her feel good for what she gave me, rather than what she took from me. If im right about her, as i know her, she will be feeling guilty, and it will be a little more baggage to add to her truck load already! i dont want this for her. should she wish at some point to return as a freind, i will always welcome them. .........Just a thought.
frd150 Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Maybe try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe they hurt so much that they do that they have done what they always do with all issues they cannot face-cut it out of thier lives and hope you will just go away. Why Guilt? or pain from abandoning us when the going gets tough. you will find that this goes far deeper into their minds from something that happened along time ago, thats in the closet-baggage. If you have been dumped by some1 like this, and this is happened, i can almost gurantee that the reason why was b/c you were getting close, and that scares them, they have to face thier own issues for the relationship to continue. My ex did this to me, and also stopped me from having contact with the kids, that she knew i loved, and they me. I could not ever take that away from a decent person, nor the kids. But thats me, how i think. She said that it was her new fella that stopped us from contact. Which he did, but i also think, deep down she will be hurting and feeling guilt for taking them from my life. So what does she do, turn away and compleatly cut me from her life, like i was never there. Its just easy for her to handle it like this. now you can say its too protect the kids. Hey Funky, The first part of your post that i did not quote..... I felt all thos things after i found out she was out and about. Like "how coud she? Was I not enough for her ? Did i not give her my all?" Why did she need to look elsewhere. It really does a number on the good ole self esteme. I know she has issues and in looking back it was always her approach to just walk away. For instance, I can count on one hand how many tifs we had. Well, her approach was always to walk away from me and not work through it. She would just walk out of the house and come back when she was over it never wanting to discuss it. Maybe theese incidents were forshocks to the BIG ONE. You see, She has had alot of disapointment in her life. She has been let down in just about everything. Maybe she was scared that I would leave her. Be another let down....You know? So she took action and left. Never in my mind did i ever give up on her. Sure I would think sometimes that I just wanted time to my self but never permanent. Are we all not entitled to a little me time? I would always encourege her to do fun things on her own when she would bring them up. I was never controlling ou overly jelouse. Maybe my needing some alone time came off as passive aggresive. Maybe a look on my face or tone in my voice. I just did not realize. We lived together as you know and maybe the reality of where it was going to lead scared her. I was fully prepared to make a life with her. I could already see the little ones (we talked about having two) dragging behind me by my trousers at ball games, the amusement park etc. I could see it plain as day and i was ready. (Tearing up again). This was our next step and maybe this reality scared her. The fantacy was going to be reality real soon. So yeah... better or easier to walk away than face reality,life, and most definitly happiness. Who cares about FRD's feelings.....selfish. Man I miss the family so much. Thanks for todays lesson Funky. It was most helpful.
Ruby Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Funky I think you are kidding yourself. You cant be friends with someone you love and if she wanted you as a friend she would be your friend. She wants you out of her and her kids life and you should accept that not try to analyse her guilt as she doesnt feel guilt. She has got what she wants hon and that does not involve you! I say this because my ex did exactly what you are doing when I left and the plain truth was that I didnt want him in my life! He made my life hell when he kept popping up now and then to give me a pychological run down of myself that was all wrong! You need to stop thinking about her and her kids and move on or you will never be happy
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Funky I think you are kidding yourself. You cant be friends with someone you love and if she wanted you as a friend she would be your friend. She wants you out of her and her kids life and you should accept that not try to analyse her guilt as she doesnt feel guilt. She has got what she wants hon and that does not involve you! I say this because my ex did exactly what you are doing when I left and the plain truth was that I didnt want him in my life! He made my life hell when he kept popping up now and then to give me a pychological run down of myself that was all wrong! You need to stop thinking about her and her kids and move on or you will never be happy I hear what your saying, i would not do that, pop up and give lo downs. The only contact i made was just to sort out her money (still owing) maybe your right, you proberbly are, but who knows the future? at the moment, im doing ok, and she has her new guy and i guess i very happy. I have not, and would not bother her, if she wants me as a freind that would be great, i would love and hope one day maybe, but in the mean time, im moving my life forward, with a more positive attitude. I can say that throught all this i felt massive pain, but have been good at keeping away from contact, and to be honest, i think its the kids i miss, and of course her, but on relection, i pulled away from her in the relationship, cos ddep down i was'nt happy. i do miss her as a freind, and i dont think im in love with her anymore. I had a good think about this, and i think ill be fine without her, altough i do think that if she kept in there, we really would have made a great familiy unit, but this new chap is local to her, and she says he has a lot of money, something i never and that she likes, so really its simple. I have and in the long run had no chance, and if we did ake it, it would have failed within 2 years of me moving there, and i would have sold my house and givin the hubby the 20k he wanted. So really in the long run, im not the loser in all this, i guess i just lost a dream that never was.
JCD Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Funky, this pain you're feeling is normal and in this stage you still want her back and still have feelings for her. Once you've analyzed your situation to death and are sick of it then you won't want to think about it as much because it upsets you. So after some time, you'll stop analyzing and stop hurting inside. It will be great to be once again free of her, trust me on that. But you first must make sure you keep NC at all cost! That's the only thing that will heal you. So, write stuff, get it out but don't see or talk to her.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I was thinking about what i posted on here as the start tread. I kinda read rubys stuff and thought, maybe your right, but i woke up with the thoughts, that no i know this girl, i know how she acts. Like everything, she will just put a lid on it and it goes into storage, only to re surface in other ways, as it did with me, in anger, jelousy, blame, and of course lack of comunication. Im starting to feel that i had a lot to do with the break-up, as her lack of communication on matters where it really did matter for us to move on was non existant, so i pulled away from her so far that we became just friends really in the end. We had our moments and there was still intamacy, but underneath it all this lack of communication killed the relationship. I would always have her back as a friend, when i 3 year old that you bring up as your own for 2 years contantly says they love you and cuddles up in bed with you, that is a very specail bond, and one that you want to keep if you can. Of course, im not and cant do anything that will keep that, that has to come from the mother (my ex). I still stick to my initial post as what happened. see im looking to take all this further, im taking coacjing on phycology, and booked into councilling course, i find it so interesting, and i like to help if i can. There is always a reason why people act as they do, and yeas she wont be feeling guilty, the new guy is there to stop that feeling, but it will go into her box as baggage, i can garantee this. Its a shame, b/c she is a lovely girl, but somewhere (and i think something happened to her with the farther she was kicked out at 15) there is a pain that she just cant face at the moment, and it will always keep re surfacing at times of distress. I know i was on the end of it for the last 6 months, but i hung in there, hoping that she waould be that lovely girl, and she was at times, but by then, my mind was so ****ed with it all, i closed off, and pulled away from her. I have issues, but im addressing them now.
Ruby Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I really hope you didnt take me wrong Funk .. I read all of your posts and I think you are a truly wonderful guy who will make a special girl very very happy one day! It pains me to watch you analysing your ex's actions when the answer is right in front of you She does not deserve the amount of time you spend pyscho analysing her actions honey SHe doesnt care, she has moved on BUT she will one day realise that the grass is not always greener!
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I really hope you didnt take me wrong Funk .. I read all of your posts and I think you are a truly wonderful guy who will make a special girl very very happy one day! It pains me to watch you analysing your ex's actions when the answer is right in front of you She does not deserve the amount of time you spend pyscho analysing her actions honey SHe doesnt care, she has moved on BUT she will one day realise that the grass is not always greener! Thank you, i know, its actually the guy im seeing broke it down to this, but he says it will help me move forward, (something im finding a little hard to do when its so hot, and all i can think of is last summer)
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Thank you, i know, its actually the guy im seeing broke it down to this, but he says it will help me move forward, (something im finding a little hard to do when its so hot, and all i can think of is last summer)You're still hurting and still yearning some place inside. You have to stop thinking about things like last summer. Funky, the past is gone sweetie. You can't change what happened. In the months to come you will reach a place where it isn't painful to look back. But before you get to that place you reach a place of complete indifference regarding your ex and you're nowhere near that yet. Yes, you knew her and you knew her well and yes, you guys shared an incredible bond and an incredibly intense period in life. But it's gone now. That bond has been severed and she has moved on. It doesn't matter what she thinks and feels...only what you think and feel matters. I think you're focusing too much on her still. You need to focus on you and your hurt and pain and your anger too. I know you're doing well but as Ruby said, analysing her and what she's doing is not going to give you any answers - sooner or later you have to let go of her and who she was because she's not there now and she's not coming back. I know this is hard. I wish I didn't know.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 You're still hurting and still yearning some place inside. You have to stop thinking about things like last summer. Funky, the past is gone sweetie. You can't change what happened. In the months to come you will reach a place where it isn't painful to look back. But before you get to that place you reach a place of complete indifference regarding your ex and you're nowhere near that yet. Yes, you knew her and you knew her well and yes, you guys shared an incredible bond and an incredibly intense period in life. But it's gone now. That bond has been severed and she has moved on. It doesn't matter what she thinks and feels...only what you think and feel matters. I think you're focusing too much on her still. You need to focus on you and your hurt and pain and your anger too. I know you're doing well but as Ruby said, analysing her and what she's doing is not going to give you any answers - sooner or later you have to let go of her and who she was because she's not there now and she's not coming back. I know this is hard. I wish I didn't know. Im trying damm it!! you are right, im still thinking about what ifs, i cant belive 3 months on im still in this place, although i do feel i have moved on a little, i havent cryed for about a week now, and feel a kind on numbness to the pain? its becoming more of a trying to understand why, and how. I belive now, its not her new guy, its her that does not want the contact. I guess its easy for her as she has a new guy, and for me, im still licking my wounds of a family that i love and miss. I guess its only natural, and i feel it would have been easy for me to move on if the end was more understanding, rather than taking her treasure s back and handing them to some1 else, cos thats what happened. I feel that all my hard work dealing with her, 3 kids and getting the brunt of the ex husbands emotions too was for this new guy. I cleared a parth for us, but he sits in it, and im forgotton. The emotional strain and physical on me was tremendos, but i worked for us for our future, and i know we were getting close to really moving forward, to the point where i was in the hubbys bed, my car in his drive, and had hs wife and kid, and he would just knock on the door and go. That took a lot of hard work and some hits hes 6 4 im 5 7! she just trew me away in the end, for mr money bags. that hurt me, that really hurt. We were getting close i know it, i could feel it. I feel im in a place where the time has stood still from that day when she said i had to leave, and the kids faces, its one that i will never forget. She asked me to spend the day with them, then sent me out after a few mins. I did really really love them all so much. Another relationship is not the answer for me. I dont know what is. its a lovely sunday, and im just hanging around the house. This knock is taking a huge toll on me, its one im finding very hard to pull out from. Iv got myself much fitter, and in good shape, but the brain is mush. im getting help with this, but its hard. Sometimes i wish i never met this woman and her 3 kids. I feel that im climing up the ladder only to fall down two runs. Is it her even anymore? is it the way my life came to a standstill when it ended? is it a total of the pressures built up from the last 10 years i dont know, but what i know is that im in a place that seems like a sterile empty room, thats the best way to think about it. I also think, who will miss me exept my mum and brother? no one really. Is this the sum of my last 41 years? I feel like i have done everything i wanted, and enjoyed it, i feel like even a bew relationship, what will that be the same thing, dates intimacy, fights, getting drunk, getting ignord and blamed for **** that has nothing to do with me. I mean what the hell is the point of being here? Im just writting whats coming from my brain without thinking, like the brain to the pc. I mean this time last year it was wonderful, i had this lovely family that loved me, i worked for them, ok sometimes i failed them, but i did my best, but even for that i feel bad. I feel i could have done better. This really is a case of you dont know what you lost. but i did know, every time i went to see them, i got butterflys. The mother sometimes looked so beutiful, and sometimes like a lady that i have no idea who she was. I got blamed for so much, even the things i did she had a go at me for, i could do nothing right. Then there was her hubby, always texting her and she back, i would sit there and wonder what the hells going on. Yet i would hold her when she got upset. I was nothing to her but an emotional support and a builer and taxie and a nurse. Thats all i must have been. I feel used as a bridge between her hubby and her new relationship, as a punchbag to take the hits while she got over him? but has she? she still wont divorce. Will this guy get it any easy? maybe, he lives down the road, has money, something i havent, but i know all the stuff i did with them and for them i did it from the heart. Im starting to get tearful now. thats good , more poison that need to come out. But what for, to go down that rought again, to be put under so much pressure that you lose your sex drive! only for it to return with a rengance after the split! How could i want to **** a woman that belongs to another man, who made the act feel like a robot rather than love, who would have huge orgasams yet be dry as a sandpit down below, who would fall asleep and get ill on a weekly basis, who would go out and get drunk with friends and when i come to see her would just be a miz hog. what a life. I wanted to go out with her friends, she never let me, unyet the first thing she says about new guy (apart from his money) was they all go out as a 4 some. I mean that kind of crap really hurts. Even then i give her the big family tent in excahnge for my one back, even that she did not return! Well that cheque for £300, she can whistle for it (but i know im gonna give it to her cos thats just me) the mug! I loved them all so much but it was all of them i had to have enough for 4 people her and the 3 kids, sometimes my cup ran low, i got tired, backed off, i could'nt always meet her demands, sometimes i did not want to go to bed at ten o clock with her, but if i never i never loved her. Sometimes i spent a day with my friends and came late to her and i got an earfull for it, unyet she went clubbing looking for attention, and the giys loved her. just cos im layed back, and diddnt fly off the handle when she told me what guys would do for her, i didnt mean i never loved her, or it never hurt me, every friday when i was sittin at home, and she went clubbing 150 miles away it was a stab in the heart, cos i knew how she dances, and the friend she was with, a **** stirring hooked nose little bitch. I lived my life for them for that time, and she ****ed me off like i was a bit off crap. she even had the ****in balls to beg me to be friends for the kids and her, which i would have loved, only for her to tell me to **** off 2 weeks later cos she met mr money. do you know how that makes me feel, worthless. She has made me feel like im nothing. but once again, i am climming that ladder, only this time, i not really interested whats at the top of it. If you stayed with me to this point, Thank you.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Write it down and get it out. You're writing about her and what she did and how she made you feel. I want you to do me a favour. Go on Amazon and find a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Now, this book is not a saviour all and it will not solve your problems. But it will teach you how to stop internalising everything SHE said and did. What she said and did has nothing to do with you and only YOU are allowing it to affect you. I can't explain this adequately but Don Miguel Ruiz explains it beautifully. This book was recommended to me over a year ago by Bendit, a poster here at Loveshack. The book is written in a slightly new-age-airy-fairy kind of way because he talks about Toltec dreaming - which is part of the religious path he follows. But if you can see around that and look at the basic premise of the book, it is very helpful. Funky, have a read of it, I think it will help you.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Write it down and get it out. You're writing about her and what she did and how she made you feel. I want you to do me a favour. Go on Amazon and find a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Now, this book is not a saviour all and it will not solve your problems. But it will teach you how to stop internalising everything SHE said and did. What she said and did has nothing to do with you and only YOU are allowing it to affect you. I can't explain this adequately but Don Miguel Ruiz explains it beautifully. This book was recommended to me over a year ago by Bendit, a poster here at Loveshack. The book is written in a slightly new-age-airy-fairy kind of way because he talks about Toltec dreaming - which is part of the religious path he follows. But if you can see around that and look at the basic premise of the book, it is very helpful. Funky, have a read of it, I think it will help you. I have never read a book in my life! of course what she said has everything to do with me as i was the one taking all the hits, in frount of her as she was doing it. how can it have nothing to do with me? If she never said it i would not feel it!
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I have never read a book in my life! of course what she said has everything to do with me as i was the one taking all the hits, in frount of her as she was doing it. how can it have nothing to do with me? If she never said it i would not feel it!What I was trying to say is she said it about how she felt, irrespective of what the circumstances are, she chose to say those things. You didn't make her say them. What I guess I'm trying to say is she chose to say those things to hurt you and you're letting her hurt you. You have no control over what she said and did, you can only take control and responsibility for what you say and do. Too much in this life people are careless with their words. That's what I mean when I say it has nothing to do with you... sure, it's directed at you, but it still comes from her with the intention to hurt you... and I have to say, it's doing a pretty good job of destroying your self-esteem and your sense of what you are responsible for. You did your best and you tried your hardest. That is what you should be proud of and that is what you should focus on. You should focus on what you said, what you did, what you meant and whether it was you being true to yourself or not. The four agreement thing focuses on four areas in life... 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don't take anything personally. 3. Don't make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. I really think that most human communication when executed carefully and with thought can follow these things and it cuts out a lot of heartache when we understand how it works. For example, the idea about not taking things personally; before I read the book I theorised, how can I not take things personally when it's directed at me...? What it means is that the person who is directing their pain, their issue, their argument, their problem at you...is doing so because it is 'theirs'. You only allow it to become yours when you participate in their side of the drama. Do you see what I mean...? I could go on all day about how this could apply to you Funky, but it would make more sense for you to read the book. I thought it was so important when it was recommended to me that I bought copies for 6 of my friends too.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Then surly this ties in with the topic of this thread? her own issues, directed at me. but i still have the question. why would someone want to hurt you and make you feel so low, when all i wanted to do was love her and the family? She not only took me away from them, me from them as well,and her. Ok i understand what you mean, but it seems to me, that a person would have to be eighter very thick skinned or only did stuff on the surface rather than from the heart, cos thats where it gets you in the end, in the heart, b/c thats where it came from. The guy im seeing is really doing a good job of explaing the mind, and projecting fears from another to you and why, but its still hard to go.ok i know now! I think where you have the innocent love of a child, you are dealing with another matter entirly. as they go to the heart. And how can people live like that, they know they made our world a nightmare, and they know we still hanged in there cos of love, and then they take you even further down. You know at the end, when she was crying to have me in her life, she made me feel specail, like i really was important. I dunno, was it a game to her? she won, i was still in her life, till she didnt need me. I hope this new chap has an endless supply of money, cos hes gonna need it. I know i surrounded her with the aura of real love, when i looked at her, she even said i can see how much you love me. i used to go on my knees and look at her, and i would be so happy, she knew that. yet she can hurt me so bad and walk away. And she did just that, cos she lied in the end about what i was too her. and i belived her.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 You know she would always say this guy thinks im 25 or whatever, i used to say but your 35, your my 35 years old beutiful woman. Then she would get angry, i would say, did they see all your strech marks from your children, or where you have kids hanging off you, no, thats why i kiss those areas, and try to expose them, b/c too me, i love everything about you, even the bits you hate, i love them, thats why i kissed them to let you feel good about them, darlng what more can i say how much attention do you want from drunk 25 year olds in a dogy night club, when you have me here wanting to show you how much i love you!.....
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Then surly this ties in with the topic of this thread? her own issues, directed at me. but i still have the question. Of course it does and that's why I was asking you to think about it from your perspective rather than hers. why would someone want to hurt you and make you feel so low, when all i wanted to do was love her and the family? She not only took me away from them, me from them as well,and her. I don't know the answer to that and neither do you and the chances are, you're never going to find an answer because you can't read her mind and you can't work out what she was thinking and why. All you can do is deal with what it did to you. If that makes sense. Ok i understand what you mean, but it seems to me, that a person would have to be eighter very thick skinned or only did stuff on the surface rather than from the heart, cos thats where it gets you in the end, in the heart, b/c thats where it came from. What you're forgetting is time. What was said and done back then, was meant as it was said. If you ask her, she will tell you she meant every word when she said that she loved you. How many times have we seen this on Loveshack where someone asks the question why did it change...? It didn't change, the person did. That's as we've already said though, it's because of something inside them. It's because maybe someone else came along etc. I think in your case Funky, you never really truly had her to start with - she had all the stuff going on with her husband...and when I think about it maybe that's where I went wrong too. You see for a relationship to work between two people, they have to be the only two people in it! If there's an intrusive ex a relationship is never going to work. Take for example, J (my ex-partner of 10 years)... we are still good friends because we went through too much together to throw it all away. But he's in a new relationship now and so, I stay clear of any communications with him. Yes, we're friends but I also care about him being happy. There are only ever two people in a relationship and the presence of a 'friend' or 'ex' or whatever, will only destroy that - it's what happened to you. It happened to me too. Your ex probably will find it out the hard way too if she doesn't mend her ways with the hubby. The guy im seeing is really doing a good job of explaing the mind, and projecting fears from another to you and why, but its still hard to go.ok i know now! I think you're right. But I think also, you're focusing on the wrong part of the job. You need to focus on understanding you, rather than understanding her and her motives, if that makes sense. I know i surrounded her with the aura of real love, when i looked at her, she even said i can see how much you love me. yet she can hurt me so bad and walk away.You know, you should be proud of yourself for what you gave her. You weren't a fool or an idiot... you gave because you could because you thought it was worth it. In the end, it was she who wasn't up to the task, not you. She hurt you because she was turning her inadequacy outwards towards you. Half the time people walk away from relationships because it is they who cannot maintain it.... that's why there is a lot of truth in the 'it's me not you' thing...what people fail to do is explain exactly how it is them and not you...which of course leaves us asking questions.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 You know she would always say this guy thinks im 25 or whatever, i used to say but your 35, your my 35 years old beutiful woman. Then she would get angry, i would say, did they see all your strech marks from your children, or where you have kids hanging off you, no, thats why i kiss those areas, and try to expose them, b/c too me, i love everything about you, even the bits you hate, i love them, thats why i kissed them to let you feel good about them, darlng what more can i say how much attention do you want from drunk 25 year olds in a dogy night club, when you have me here wanting to show you how much i love you!.....I think you're edging towards an epiphany with this one hun. She probably didn't like herself very much really and that's what the running from relationship to relationship is about, she's looking for someone to accept the ideal, the image that she wants to have of herself. The hard fact is she's 35 and she does have stretch marks and scars of life. That's the way it is. She has to accept that before anyone else can. You can tell her all you like that you love those things because they are a part of her, but if she refuses to acknowledge her flaws and weaknesses, having you do so will mean nothing to her.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Well i never even got the its me thing, all i got was its not going to how i want it!! C you been great with me kind and patient. I thank you and the others from the bottome of my heart. I tell you what though, you are right about the hubby, i knew in my heart that they still loved each other in spite of all she says, and looking or replacement is really not the way. I did sense this, that she was never mine, i guess i loved her and the kids too much too walk away. I cant blame her for still having a strong bond with the hubby, nor did i, but i guess i served a purpose for her while she was trying to get over him, and i did my bit, he got over her, he accepted us! maybe she could'nt deep down handle that. I remamber on our last night together ( i didnt know it then) she was looking onto my eyes holding and playing with my hands, and stroking my arms, i said, looks the hubby has accepted us.her reply, he will never let me go. I was shocked, but maybe i should have got up and left, my gut said this to me many times, and in her heart she must have know i never felt number 1 the way a woman should make a man feel.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I think you're edging towards an epiphany with this one hun. She probably didn't like herself very much really and that's what the running from relationship to relationship is about, she's looking for someone to accept the ideal, the image that she wants to have of herself. The hard fact is she's 35 and she does have stretch marks and scars of life. That's the way it is. She has to accept that before anyone else can. You can tell her all you like that you love those things because they are a part of her, but if she refuses to acknowledge her flaws and weaknesses, having you do so will mean nothing to her. I know, i thought i was telling her how much i loved her, that what is real, that the guys see you as a pretty bit of meat, i saw her as a woman, not an object, with scars of life, that to me were life itself. You know sometimes the not so pretty is more lovely than the pretty. She had a lovely face, but her strech marks and stuff were the real tammy, the bits she hid were the real deal, the scars of life. I guess i loved her scars of life, but as you say if some1 is in a different reality, trying to be what is not, then it must be a very sad place to be. You know she had a 16 year old daughter, she makes her feel like crap, and the girl used to cry to me. I know now why, cos that was her at 16, and i really belive she is jelous.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I guess i loved her scars of life, but as you say if some1 is in a different reality, trying to be what is not, then it must be a very sad place to be. You know she had a 16 year old daughter, she makes her feel like crap, and the girl used to cry to me. I know now why, cos that was her at 16, and i really belive she is jelous.That's exactly it and you have no control over her reality hun. Only your own.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Well i never even got the its me thing, all i got was its not going to how i want it!! C you been great with me kind and patient. I thank you and the others from the bottome of my heart. <snip> I remamber on our last night together ( i didnt know it then) she was looking onto my eyes holding and playing with my hands, and stroking my arms, i said, looks the hubby has accepted us.her reply, he will never let me go. I was shocked, but maybe i should have got up and left, my gut said this to me many times, and in her heart she must have know i never felt number 1 the way a woman should make a man feel. You're very welcome. You've been patient with me too and the thanks is returned. But as for the second part of your post... she couldn't see he'd accepted things. You have to ask yourself, who was the one really hanging on...? That's what happened with my ex. She is the one with the issue not him. She needs acceptance and validation and she won't be happy unless she gets it. Thing is, she's looking for it externally...she needs to look for it from within. You can't fight her demons for her or solve her issues. You can only take care of yourself and your healing from here on out.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 and you know what that is exactly what the phycologhyst guy said, and i knew, that she has to be on her own, and do what we are doing. According to her, she did it while in the relationship, but i really dought this. Why get depressed when the hubby sends a text? feelings love hate, there all emotions. The new guy will have the same no dought. If she ever comes back to me as a freind, i really hope she does, i would be there for her, cos i have seen the real person, and she lovely. Shes just a mess of emotions guilt pain and hurt. Im no angle, but i know that this relationship has made me look to my self, to see how i can get rid of my demons. The guy im seeing said i dont have any problem with giving love, but its the receving love. he also said i have a great way with people, and you can build on that, and he said from what i said my ex loved me, just never really new it. He made a good point he said have you got anything from her that she bought without feeling, i said a ring, he said what does it mean to you, i said nothing, in fact i dumped it. HE said have you anything given from her heart? I said yes he said what does it mean/ i said everything. Then her said what about the room you did for the little girl, and all the little girts you gave her did you do it from the heart? i said always. He said one day all those vibes will hit her, she feels your presence everytime she goes in that room, but she doesnt know it. He said true love is an energy, a force, and its one that will take a long time to go. It made me feel nice. He said all what you said and she said at the end, you know the bad stuff means nothing. I said how, he said what do you most remember about her? i said how she used to kiss me, and her face and voice. He said what do you think she remembers from you? i said i have no idea, he said at the moment nothing, she in a new honeymoon a reality, but remember she is doing this so she wont have to face that reality, the real problem, and you my friend (me) have just added to her baggage! one day she will. HE said as well she cant let go of her hubby. I know this does not change nothing, but sometimes if we look at the true reality of a relationship, there si so much more than just the crap stuff that we associate with on the surface.
Author funkybassplayer Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 I feel alot more calm, that chat on this tread, and also the exercises my phycologist gave me, has really helped, (for now) thanks
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I feel alot more calm, that chat on this tread, and also the exercises my phycologist gave me, has really helped, (for now) thanksGlad you're feeling better about things.
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