tommyr Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Just about 1 year ago my marriage hit rock bottom: 6 months of no sex, barely any conversation, sleep in separate rooms, living like (somewhat hostile) roommates. But today, here I am in a very satisfying relationship with a different girl who enjoys being with me, great conversation, sleeps in my bed every night (often wearing skimpy attire). And I cannot help but spoil this girl with attention, affection, emails during the day, and cannot wait to greet her after work with a passionate kiss. This new girl really is a lot like my wife USED TO be, back when we started dating a decade ago, before we had kids and drifted apart. I will tell you more about my new girlfriend later...... but right now it's almost bed time.
JamesM Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 This new girl really is a lot like my wife USED TO be, back when we started dating a decade ago, before we had kids and drifted apart. I am not one who wants to rain on your parade, but reread this a few times to yourself. What caused your wife to no longer be this way? And why do you think this new girlfriend will not become like your wife after you have married, have children (maybe), and have drifted apart? How will you prevent the two of you from drifting apart? Too often we think life will always be as it is today without remembering that "This too shall pass."
IpAncA Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 So I'm I correct to assume your in an affair? What happend to working on your marriage?
Art_Critic Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 So is this new GF your Wife ?.. Was there a turnaround ?.. are you still in counseling ?
Author tommyr Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 So is this new GF your Wife ? yes Was there a turnaround ? yes are you still in counseling ? no. our counselor sent us home, said we are done. tonight we celebrate... an MC graduation party!
Touche Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Wow, that is great! Don't forget this. Because a marriage waxes and wanes..too many people give up during the "waning" phase. And it very well may wane again. Just remember that you can get it back on track as long as you still both love each other.
IpAncA Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 no. our counselor sent us home, said we are done. tonight we celebrate... an MC graduation party! Glad to hear. I thought you mentioned that you were both doing well but had to make sure.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Good for you and your wife, Tommy. James has expressed some concerns that these changes might not last... but once two people have REALLY grasped the concepts, I honestly believe it's possible to 'keep it out of the ditch' for the rest of your lives. New skills become new habits. And when occasional problems do crop up, there's a new set of tools with which to address them, chiefly among them is doing a self-diagnostic rather than assuming it's the other guy's fault. My hubby and I are three and a half years down the pike in marital recovery. We're still going strong, still courteous, still appreciative, still making whoopee. Take no prisoners, know no fear. Address conflicts without assigning blame. Prioritize your partner needs on the same level as your own, accept each other as imperfect people, be consistently courteous... and you'll do alright. :bunny:
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Take no prisoners, know no fear. Address conflicts without assigning blame. Prioritize your partner needs on the same level as your own, accept each other as imperfect people, be consistently courteous... and you'll do alright. :bunny: Amen! I would also add that you should be the last to anger and the first to forgive. As someone who formerly made the Hatfields/McCoys look small time, I know of whence I speak. Working on changing that undesirable quality in myself has been hardwork but worth it. Congratulations on your success Mr. Lucky
JamesM Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 James has expressed some concerns that these changes might not last... but once two people have REALLY grasped the concepts, I honestly believe it's possible to 'keep it out of the ditch' for the rest of your lives. And James is surprised and was fooled by tommyr. Yes, there is always concerns that this will not last, but boy oh boy, if you can say this about your wife, you have a great start for an excellent future together. I am happy for you. And I mean that. It is good to read happy endings here. It gives hope to the rest of us. I take my pessimistic answer back. You sound like you have a good future with your "new" girlfriend.
Road Rage Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Art Critic is hard to fool. I guess it is part of being an art critic:D
Author tommyr Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 And James is surprised and was fooled by tommyr. Art Critic is hard to fool. Not trying to fool people, just having some fun on here. I could have said Things are fine with my wife but doesn't it just sound sooooo much hotter to hear: My new girlfriend. What a concept.. my wife can be my girlfriend. my wife can be my girlfriend! And why not? I always did like having a girlfriend!! But for some reason I developed the foolish mindset that a wife was somehow much less fun. And I was guilty of treating her with less enthusiasm which she reciprocated. Throw some kids into the mix and the result was not pretty. So I have demoted my wife.. she is now, once again, my girlfriend. But please do not tell her that. Next time you are at Starbucks and see a hot soccer mom sitting on a guy's lap, sipping coffee and chatting, you might think "they must be having an affair or recently divorced" ... it just could be us: married but refusing to act like it. Over the next few weeks I will try to gather my thoughts and update this thread with key events, actions, conversations, etc. which helped bring us to this better place. Not exactly the 12 Steps of Recovery but I think it would help me (and maybe others) to recall some things from my past year. I think the first thing is I saw no chance at getting more time/energy from the wife in her current condition: burned out SAHM. Being a stay-home-mom (2 young kids not in school) is tough work and so we got more childcare lined up and the breaks for her really helped.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Awh!! This is the nicest thing I've read here since Art posted his engagement news
Author tommyr Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Just a quick update: Things are still going great at home. It has now been about 3 months since our "headlights in the driveway" moment (when she realized that our marriage would be ending without a regular sex life). Since then, a total climate change has occurred at my house. My wife is sexually "available" for me a couple times / week, and I have been a very happy and attentive husband (both inside and outside the bedroom). Having now survived a few moments of anger without either of us reverting back to our emotional corners, I am confident that this change between us may well last for a long time. I hope so. Thanks to everyone on here (esp. the ladies) for the help and advice.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 What a nice thread to read Congratulations! Just my two bits .. Bobby
Mz. Pixie Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 That's soooo great. I hope you will continue to post- we need some success stories around here!! I often tell my H that I always want to behave as his hot sexy girlfriend.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Just a quick update: Things are still going great at home. It has now been about 3 months since our "headlights in the driveway" moment (when she realized that our marriage would be ending without a regular sex life). Since then, a total climate change has occurred at my house. My wife is sexually "available" for me a couple times / week, and I have been a very happy and attentive husband (both inside and outside the bedroom). Having now survived a few moments of anger without either of us reverting back to our emotional corners, I am confident that this change between us may well last for a long time. I hope so. Thanks to everyone on here (esp. the ladies) for the help and advice. Congrats, tommyr. Don't stop working to keep that feeling alive, although I think you're getting positive reinforcement 2-3 X per week . Keep us posted - as others have said, nice to hear that the good guys do occasionally win... Mr. Lucky
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Congrats, tommyr. Don't stop working to keep that feeling alive, although I think you're getting positive reinforcement 2-3 X per week . Keep us posted - as others have said, nice to hear that the good guys do occasionally win... Mr. Lucky Do you still pay your wife for sex?
Lyssa Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 This is really awesome, Tommyr!! Think I'll keep this in mind - treat H like a BF - if and when I get married!!!
gerrygirl Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 lol... men are so simple. at least you are granted a good 4 to 5 years before this one goes south! btw, how do your kids like mommy #2? oh wait, you're too busy trying to get your 20's back that you probably haven't introduced them yet. you are silly.
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