Oh man

[LostChild]

Ok, where to start. Well I am 19 years old and I am currently going through a really tough break up. I have dated a guy for about 2 years now and I was quite serious about him. He was quite serious about me as well, I mean we were IN love.

 

The problems all started about three weeks ago. I met a guy online who was interested in me, but I told him I had a boyfriend so that he wouldn't think this was going anywhere. The guy still sent me photos of himself, and he wanted to see photos of myself as well. I asked my boyfriend if this was ok and he said sure and even sent me the photos to send to the guy. I even sent photos of my boyfriend. I tried to tell my boyfriend things that the guy said just so he wouldn't get suspicious and trust me that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

Well, unfortunately it didn't work. He wanted me to stop talking to the guy. So I told the guy, who we'll call Jon, that I could no longer talk to him. While telling my, then, boyfriend, Adam that I would no longer be talking to Jon because it made Adam feel uncomfortable, he told me to keep talking to Jon and that he was fine with it. But then Adam said he wanted to be just friends. I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yes." and so I thought we were over.

 

The very next day Adam tells me he wants me back and he was just joking about breaking up. I was mad and said no, and this continued for two weeks. I thought we needed a break and we agreed to a rule that neither of us would be dating for 3 months so that in case we would work it out or needed like a buffer because 2 years is pretty serious. Then the Friday before last, was the last time he said "I love you." to me. Saturday came and went and Sunday he drove 5 hours to meet this new girl he met through myspace. He is 19, about to be 20, she is 17, about to be 18. He was a virgin, she had already had 4 prior sexual partners.

 

He told her he just broke up with someone not too long ago, and she slept with him anyways. He said "It just happened." and I was mad he broke the rule he and I made together. He knew I was still in love with him, and I thought he was still in love with me, but now I have been replaced by this girl he's barely known for a day and has slept with already.

 

He told me I hurt him with constantly saying "No" and I said he hurt me by sleeping with this girl, how we have been broken up longer than this before so why should it be different now. He continued to date her, but told me to keep up a possibility that we could try again in a year. He said his relationships (other than ours) dont last past a month, so he wasn't really expecting this one to, but he didn't know how long it would last.

 

I called him and told him recently how I felt about him how he was the only one that I want. He said he knew he could have a happy ending with me but he didn't know why he wouldn't go back out with me and he had to think about it. Well he called back two hours and said he couldn't do it and he was staying with this girl he doesn't really know but is still having sex with. He said if he could undo all of this, he would. He said he can't break up with her because it will hurt her.

 

He talked to my friend and he basically agreed with everything she said to him. That his relationship with this girl wouldn't last 3 months and that he knew I loved him and I make him a better man. He said it was all true, and he agreed, but he's still staying with the girl even though he knows a "Happy Ever After" comes with our relationship.

 

I believe he is doing this because he's hurt I was still talking to the guy and said "No" and this is his way of acting out. He said his feeling for me were dead but how can they be, we were in a two year relationship that, while on and off, was really strong in the love department, and then in a day he's over me.

 

So my question, is he rebounding? Do you think he'll come back for me? I really want him back, and I don't see his relationship with this girl will last given her prior sexual history and the fact he's rushing into it so fast. Everyone keeps saying 3 months or less. I am also having trouble eating after this and I'm already underweight so this is becoming a bit of a problem.

 

Thank for you reading this, and responding, if there is any responses. I realize you dont know the situation well, and if you need questions to help further this in helping make your answers, please feel free to ask.

[Chinook]

Okay honey, I really can see how painful this is but first thing, no guy is worth your health. You need to eat. Even if you don't feel like it. Even if it's only a little bit. When you're under emotional strain, the body needs more calories because the brain is taking up more glucose from your system. So eat, at least a little bit.

 

Okay where to start. Here's how alot of us tend to do things on Loveshack, we look at what you wrote and pick up on those points. So anything you feel uncomfortable with, it's not directed personally at you it's thoughts and usually experiences in response to something you have written. Let me begin.

 

Ok, where to start. Well I am 19 years old and I am currently going through a really tough break up. I have dated a guy for about 2 years now and I was quite serious about him. He was quite serious about me as well, I mean we were IN love.

Okay now here's your first problem. Two years is a long time, but if things have changed significantly in a relationship as they have in yours, what has gone before doesn't really matter. I know that makes no sense, but it's the recent past which shapes the future, not the whole of the time you were together.

 

The problems all started about three weeks ago. I met a guy online who was interested in me, but I told him I had a boyfriend so that he wouldn't think this was going anywhere.

A lot has happened in a very short space of time huh..? I think both you and Adam are both still processing things. You both need some time. Bear with me with this.

 

But then Adam said he wanted to be just friends. I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yes." and so I thought we were over.

Okay now... this is the nitty gritty. You did what he asked, yet he still ended things. For what it is worth, look back over the period before Jon arrived on the scene, was there anything to give you reason to think Adam was pulling away or being distant...? It seems to me that he'd thought about what he wanted and you could very well have unwittingly given him an excuse to end the relationship.

 

The very next day Adam tells me he wants me back and he was just joking about breaking up. I was mad and said no, and this continued for two weeks.

I can understand why he did this. He thought it was what he wanted but he knew he had made a mistake. He knew he didn't really want things to end but he would never be sure until he did end it and find out. In doing that he proved to himself that he did in fact want you... except you rejected him. He wasn't counting on that.

 

I thought we needed a break and we agreed to a rule that neither of us would be dating for 3 months so that in case we would work it out or needed like a buffer because 2 years is pretty serious.

I agree, I think you guys needed a break too. I think of the two of you, it was you who was more serious in all honesty. I don't think Adam really knows or knew what he wanted. I don't know that he will know what he wants until it's too late. The problem is, in relationships you have to be grown up. You can't throw a paddy or dump someone when you don't get your own way. I note that you said you've been through several break-up-make-up scenarios with each other. That's not really that healthy in my opinion. You're both young and maybe you both do need time to work out who you are and what you both need from people. It may be that you are meant to be together, if that's the case then it will happen sooner or later...no matter what else stands in the way.

 

He knew I was still in love with him, and I thought he was still in love with me, but now I have been replaced by this girl he's barely known for a day and has slept with already.

There are two sides to this unfortunately. The first is that you guys are officially broken up. He can do what he wants, see who he wants and sleep with who he wants...despite the promises he had made to you regarding your agreement. Secondly, if he was in love with you, he would be making every effort he could to ensure you guys were back together. Yes you hurt him and yes, he hurt you - but you both have previously given each other a chance to rebuild, so what is different this time...? One word. Sex. As difficult as it is to see that, this girl is giving him something he hasn't had before and whether you like it or not, sex can be a very powerful motivator. I'm not saying that's all that this relationship with this girl is because it's unlikely. But... in all fairness, that is one aspect that hasn't been present before now and which is different from previous times you have broken up.

 

He continued to date her, but told me to keep up a possibility that we could try again in a year. He said his relationships (other than ours) dont last past a month, so he wasn't really expecting this one to, but he didn't know how long it would last.

That's what I call keeping you on the back burner. Ask yourself this: don't you deserve better than that...?

 

I called him and told him recently how I felt about him how he was the only one that I want. He said he knew he could have a happy ending with me but he didn't know why he wouldn't go back out with me and he had to think about it. Well he called back two hours and said he couldn't do it and he was staying with this girl he doesn't really know but is still having sex with. He said if he could undo all of this, he would. He said he can't break up with her because it will hurt her.

You have it in his own words. He can't break up with her because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to hurt her. He cares about her. As hard as that is for you to understand, there are already feelings on his side for this girl and he's standing by them. You have to let him do what he needs to do. If he is going to come back to you... he will do so. You can't make him come back to you.

 

I believe he is doing this because he's hurt I was still talking to the guy and said "No" and this is his way of acting out. He said his feeling for me were dead but how can they be, we were in a two year relationship that, while on and off, was really strong in the love department, and then in a day he's over me.

You might be right. But right now, you can't do anything about it. If he is rebounding and he does miss you, you have to let him come to you. In all honesty though, I don't think that's the case. I think maybe your relationship was over for Adam way before he ended it. It seems that he had processed things very quickly. In order to do that, a person has thought about it and got over it usually before the event actually happens. Initially he wasn't sure, now that he has met someone else, he seems to be sure. He cares about her enough not to hurt her. He doesn't care enough about you to make things work. That is your reality and that's what you have to deal with.

 

So my question, is he rebounding? Do you think he'll come back for me? I really want him back, and I don't see his relationship with this girl will last given her prior sexual history and the fact he's rushing into it so fast. Everyone keeps saying 3 months or less.

Either way right now it doesn't matter what happens with him. Right now you need to focus on you. You're not ready to move on to anyone else anyhow. So you need to spend time to make yourself healthy and to process things. If things change, then great. If they don't then you have tried to pick things up and move on with your life. The best way I can advise you to do that is to cut all contact with him immediately. A period of complete no contact is what you need to help you heal. The more contact you guys have, the more painful it is going to be for you to heal. 'no contact' is a strategy which is helpful for you to heal - as brutal and as painful as it can be. It will push your boundaries of what you believed about yourself, about Adam, about your relationship and it will cause you pain and distress. But one thing I can guarantee you is that it is the least painful way of ending a relationship and healing. It is not a strategy for getting an ex back (even if sometimes, that is a happy consequence).

 

Thank for you reading this, and responding, if there is any responses. I realize you dont know the situation well, and if you need questions to help further this in helping make your answers, please feel free to ask.

You're very welcome. Alot of people here on Loveshack have been where you are now. It is painful and we will try to help you in any way we can. If there is anything anyone can do or say to help you just ask and we'll try. All we can give you is our words and our experience, but if it helps it will usually be given freely and without any hesitation.

[LostChild]

Okay honey, I really can see how painful this is but first thing, no guy is worth your health. You need to eat. Even if you don't feel like it. Even if it's only a little bit. When you're under emotional strain, the body needs more calories because the brain is taking up more glucose from your system. So eat, at least a little bit.

 

Okay where to start. Here's how alot of us tend to do things on Loveshack, we look at what you wrote and pick up on those points. So anything you feel uncomfortable with, it's not directed personally at you it's thoughts and usually experiences in response to something you have written. Let me begin.

 

Okay now here's your first problem. Two years is a long time, but if things have changed significantly in a relationship as they have in yours, what has gone before doesn't really matter. I know that makes no sense, but it's the recent past which shapes the future, not the whole of the time you were together.

 

A lot has happened in a very short space of time huh..? I think both you and Adam are both still processing things. You both need some time. Bear with me with this.

 

Okay now... this is the nitty gritty. You did what he asked, yet he still ended things. For what it is worth, look back over the period before Jon arrived on the scene, was there anything to give you reason to think Adam was pulling away or being distant...? It seems to me that he'd thought about what he wanted and you could very well have unwittingly given him an excuse to end the relationship.

 

I can understand why he did this. He thought it was what he wanted but he knew he had made a mistake. He knew he didn't really want things to end but he would never be sure until he did end it and find out. In doing that he proved to himself that he did in fact want you... except you rejected him. He wasn't counting on that.

 

I agree, I think you guys needed a break too. I think of the two of you, it was you who was more serious in all honesty. I don't think Adam really knows or knew what he wanted. I don't know that he will know what he wants until it's too late. The problem is, in relationships you have to be grown up. You can't throw a paddy or dump someone when you don't get your own way. I note that you said you've been through several break-up-make-up scenarios with each other. That's not really that healthy in my opinion. You're both young and maybe you both do need time to work out who you are and what you both need from people. It may be that you are meant to be together, if that's the case then it will happen sooner or later...no matter what else stands in the way.

 

There are two sides to this unfortunately. The first is that you guys are officially broken up. He can do what he wants, see who he wants and sleep with who he wants...despite the promises he had made to you regarding your agreement. Secondly, if he was in love with you, he would be making every effort he could to ensure you guys were back together. Yes you hurt him and yes, he hurt you - but you both have previously given each other a chance to rebuild, so what is different this time...? One word. Sex. As difficult as it is to see that, this girl is giving him something he hasn't had before and whether you like it or not, sex can be a very powerful motivator. I'm not saying that's all that this relationship with this girl is because it's unlikely. But... in all fairness, that is one aspect that hasn't been present before now and which is different from previous times you have broken up.

 

That's what I call keeping you on the back burner. Ask yourself this: don't you deserve better than that...?

 

You have it in his own words. He can't break up with her because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to hurt her. He cares about her. As hard as that is for you to understand, there are already feelings on his side for this girl and he's standing by them. You have to let him do what he needs to do. If he is going to come back to you... he will do so. You can't make him come back to you.

 

You might be right. But right now, you can't do anything about it. If he is rebounding and he does miss you, you have to let him come to you. In all honesty though, I don't think that's the case. I think maybe your relationship was over for Adam way before he ended it. It seems that he had processed things very quickly. In order to do that, a person has thought about it and got over it usually before the event actually happens. Initially he wasn't sure, now that he has met someone else, he seems to be sure. He cares about her enough not to hurt her. He doesn't care enough about you to make things work. That is your reality and that's what you have to deal with.

 

Either way right now it doesn't matter what happens with him. Right now you need to focus on you. You're not ready to move on to anyone else anyhow. So you need to spend time to make yourself healthy and to process things. If things change, then great. If they don't then you have tried to pick things up and move on with your life. The best way I can advise you to do that is to cut all contact with him immediately. A period of complete no contact is what you need to help you heal. The more contact you guys have, the more painful it is going to be for you to heal. 'no contact' is a strategy which is helpful for you to heal - as brutal and as painful as it can be. It will push your boundaries of what you believed about yourself, about Adam, about your relationship and it will cause you pain and distress. But one thing I can guarantee you is that it is the least painful way of ending a relationship and healing. It is not a strategy for getting an ex back (even if sometimes, that is a happy consequence).

 

You're very welcome. Alot of people here on Loveshack have been where you are now. It is painful and we will try to help you in any way we can. If there is anything anyone can do or say to help you just ask and we'll try. All we can give you is our words and our experience, but if it helps it will usually be given freely and without any hesitation.

 

He wasn't being distant or anything, he was completely in love with me. He spent money on me (like in the hundreds) and he was with me when I wasn't on my best behavior and stood by me. He says he still cares about me, and even after he slept with the girl, it was I who he was talking to more than her. He said if he could undo everything and still be with me he would, so I figured because he hasn't broken up with someone before he's hesitant to break up with this girl.

 

But I'm not talking to him now, I have kept my distance. But the fact he's moved that fast in one day felt like to me that he was rebounding and acting out. He says he still wants us together in the future because that was part of our plan, but right now he doesn't have feelings for me...

[LostChild]

he also got that he was hurting me as well, and he said it hurts him when he hears that im hurting. He said he thought I was over him and thats why he moved on..if that makes anything more clear, or confusing...I'm not sure.

[Chinook]

he also got that he was hurting me as well, and he said it hurts him when he hears that im hurting. He said he thought I was over him and thats why he moved on..if that makes anything more clear, or confusing...I'm not sure.

i know how painful this is for you. But you have to stop thinking about what it is which is going on with him. It doesn't matter that you care about him or that he cares about you... at the end of the day, it's words. What matters is what is happening. He is with someone else now... whether that is acting out, rebounding or whether he actually cares for her. Don't forget you only know what he is telling you (and your friends) about her. At some point you need to concentrate on you and how you're going to heal. Keeping your distance in my experience is a good plan - because every instance of contact tends to ram home that you're not together. Give it time, you don't know what will happen...but try not to dwell on the 'what ifs' in the mean time and deal with the 'what ares' as my Mom would say. I wish I could say something which makes it easier but I can't. All I can say is talk if you need to.. write it down and talk to anyone who will listen. Friends, family, neighbours, school teachers. Don't struggle with it alone.

[Replicant]

he also got that he was hurting me as well, and he said it hurts him when he hears that im hurting. He said he thought I was over him and thats why he moved on..if that makes anything more clear, or confusing...I'm not sure.

 

The 'break' made a good exit strategy for him, wish him good luck and goodbye. No need to further confuse yourself with half hearted words of sympathy etc... Like chinook said maybe things stemmed from during the relationship. Take it as experience and move on.