alpha70 Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Let me explain my situation 1st. and thanks for reading this! I appreciate it greatly. Dating a girl for bout 7 months now. She comes from a broken home and has some personal issues. She's been cheated on by 2 men she was very close with. She has moved from place to place never finding a home......34 times she has moved!! Things began to go bad during her latest move where she moved about 15 miles. She was very stressed because she moved again.....her landlord was a freak so she moved out early and into another place. She tells me that I "wasn't there" for her enough during the moving process. I am in school and had a paper to write, but I agree that there was one day in particular that I should have been there for her and I wasn't. This really began her to start thinking that I was going to be this guy she couldn't count on or really didn't love her. Through a couple other incidence she has viewed me as a person who isn't understanding or empathetic to her needs..her moving situation. I am a very communicative person and she has trouble communicating. She tells me that she NEVER will ask for my help...just the way she grew up, so I'm supposed to just jump in and help her, which is fine...I just needed to get to know these things about her. Well....since this whole thing happened she had become much more distant and wasn't giving a lot in the relationship, so I basically gave her an ultimatum of working on things or not....relucantly she sided on not doing so. I said ok, and told her to come get her things from my house, etc...and that we were done. Long story short we decided to work things out. 2 wks later I am doing a lot to make sure she knows I'm there for her....a lot, but she's still acting aloof and seldomly initiates contact, etc...kind of seeing how long I'll keep this behavior up, but don't you have to contribute to the relationship to make it go forward in a positive way....wasn't getting this from her. Here's the final part. She always wants me to be there for her but can't communicate it properly. Case in point. I emailed her asking if she wanted to go to Home Depot to get some things for HER house. She replied she was sorry but she had to goto the house to clean and empty some trash. I said ok and then she said ok. I told her I was going on a bike ride with a friend(girl) and I would call her later. She never returned any of my calls. I talk to her daughter who tells me she's super stressed after dealing with the x landlord.....finally go over there and wake her up to see if everythings ok.....she gets super pissed off at me and yells at me for NOT BEING THERE for her when she was cleaning!!!!! Am I supposed to read her mind here? Am I not the attentive boyfriend or is she just way too NEEDY? I think she's very selfish and only wants her needs met. That night she basically wrote me a check for some money she owed me and said we're done here. I took her to the door and talked to her a bit about how I felt about her neediness and hope that she can get her life together...destressed and happy again. Said good luck to her and to call me if she needs anything. We've texted a couple times and in my last text pretty much said I wasn't going to be playing guessing games and that I want an adult relationship where two people can communicate....haven't heard back from her and don't think I will. Do I go NO CONTACT and forget about her headaches? Move on with my life and see if she comes calling back? Not sure I want her back anyway after the way she treats me......no respect and with a hot head...no giving and a lot of taking. Advice?????????
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Do I go NO CONTACT and forget about her headaches? Move on with my life and see if she comes calling back? Not sure I want her back anyway after the way she treats me......no respect and with a hot head...no giving and a lot of taking. Advice????????? I would pretty much guess from my experience (with guys like this) and from what I've read on Loveshack, she will definitely come back when she's calmed down or got her head out of her backside. The question is, what do you want...? You've seen how she's treated you early on and you've seen how this is likely to be. You've already said you're not sure you want or need that kind of hassle... I'm inclined to agree with you. I'd say go with your instinct and cut contact. Be sure it's what you want though. No contact isn't a strategy for getting an ex back... sure it can help that. But it's a strategy to help YOU to heal. That's all it is. It's not a mystical solution to the world's relationship problems at all. Here's how it works... 1. Relationship + constant contact = high levels of love chemicals. 2. No relationship + no contact = reduced levels of love chemicals. In number 2 all you're doing is giving your body and mind a decent chance to get over it and move on. With no 1, the more contact there is, the less likely it is that those chemical levels will drop and so you'll still feel like you are in love with her. Also, that's likely to be the case for the first couple of months of NC. IME it's like a death... you mourn something which is lost. A future, dreams and ideals you hoped you had. Now it's gone. Sorry to make it sound science-y-like but that was just to help me
tanbark813 Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 She sounds like a lunatic. Nobody stable moves around that much. And you're right, she's only looking to have her own needs met and is doing poorly at that anyway since she never says what it is she wants until after the fact. And Chinook is right about NC being about helping you move on. Don't do it to see if she "comes crawling back". First off, that's not what it's for. Secondly, she will. And lastly, you don't want her to.
Author alpha70 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 It's just so strange. At times I wonder if this woman actually has a heart. I know she's had a tough life thus far but she handles stress SO poorly. She tells me to get on her train of life or else it will move on w/o you....like her train can't take a break and learn to handle the stress better. Anyway, our daily conversations are mostly about what stresses are going on in her life. I'm ok with this to a degree but when she doesn't put anything into the relationship or CAN NEVER admit fault is where it sucks. HERES THE BIG KICKER THOUGH that I failed to mention. She couldn't find a decent place that accepted dogs. I have a house and a dog of my own. I told her that I could take her dog(I love him) and that it actually might make us work harder at our relationship, so she wouldn't have to find another place for him....well, guess that didn't work. She has NO real options with the dog. She's tied up in a 6 month lease and this is really the best place for the dog...my roommate wants to buy him from her and I think she's open to this as she knows it would be best for the dog. Do I allow her to visit the dog? She has a 14 yr old daughter who I want to allow to see the dog. I told her that when she wants to see the dog she needs to call in advance....then I would just let my roommate let her have him as I would be gone, so I wouldn't have to see her. Guess there's a part of me that wants her back, so this is a lifeline that I probably shouldn't allow or ever allow myself to be here when she comes to pick up/drop off the dog. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....growl
Author alpha70 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Nice advice Tanbar.......guess I'm addicted to her in one way or another.......I think they say that you may stay in a relationship because.. 1). Great sex......she's got a killer butt and I'm a butt man...yeah, I know....get a life dude. 2) because you will be lonely after that person leaves....it's the void not the person.....ding ding ding....this is the one....well, the butt thing too.
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Y'see... all chemicals You really can do better IMHO.
Author alpha70 Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 what about the dog situation? I think she will come visit the pooch a bit early on and then that will fall off.....esp. once she starts dating someone new......she's not one to let her heart rule her emotions, so she could part with the dog w/o a problem.
Chinook Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 what about the dog situation? I think she will come visit the pooch a bit early on and then that will fall off.....esp. once she starts dating someone new......she's not one to let her heart rule her emotions, so she could part with the dog w/o a problem.Well, to be brutal about it... you could ask her NOT to visit the dog. If she objects then give her a date and ask her to rehome him. Simple as that. Afterall, you are currently shouldering a responsibility which is rightfully hers. It's not beyond reason for you to ask her to take responsibility for HER dog. I'm sure there are plenty of animal rescue places which will rehome him. Oh and don't give me that 'oh but he's such a lovely dog and it isn't his fault' thing... she'll be counting on that. IMHO she should have never got the dog in the first place with her movement history!
Author alpha70 Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 anyone else care to chime in on this? I could use all the input. Thanks Chinook!
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