Author Marielle Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 If all I do is worry about it and hope for the best, then I remain anxious and accomplish nothing toward solving the problem and CREATING the best outcome. That s exactly how I feel...at least it s been only 2 days, I have some time to establish my plan as soon as my emotions calm down. I would NOT like him to be part of my life or the babys life, he shown me how coward, irresponsible, and mean person he is by dissapearing on me, and makes me look back and remember how he was with me while his wife was pregnant, in our beginnings... On the other hand I hate this ended so easy for him...just dissapearing and going on with his life...should I tell OW? DO you think in htis case I should say somethingÉ
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 NO, you say nothing...Just disappear from his life. IF you tell, you'll create MORE drama in your life. And, right now you need to focus on you and making sure you're healthy during your pregnancy. Just disappearing gives him no closure and the worry that 'one day you could contact him, or his child will....' THAT in itself is your revenge and closure.
Author Marielle Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 NO, you say nothing...Just disappear from his life. IF you tell, you'll create MORE drama in your life. And, right now you need to focus on you and making sure you're healthy during your pregnancy. Just disappearing gives him no closure and the worry that 'one day you could contact him, or his child will....' THAT in itself is your revenge and closure. HOw can he live like that? How stupidof him?? I mean besides being mean and selfish...he is showing he's really not very intelligent. It's not like we are in a huge city...we live like 20 min away, he knows I have his address and phone #, and just dissapearing like this is a big provocation...how can he sleep at night? He hurted me so much when he said that he cannot have another child, he loves his son too much and ruined his life, buaaaahhh , why he did not care about him while he was going ut with me, sleeping over, mini vacations?...and the last 2 years he was promising a NEAR future together, and all the blah blah blah Sorry the rambling, WWIU, he just doesn't make sense to me...but I do agree with you to just dissapear...I prefer the idea of having my revenge later on in life, when I wont even care...
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 His disappearing on you is totally unacceptable. Seems like now that the reality needle of his actions has burst his affair fantasy bubble, he now wants to act like it never happened. Like the whole affair never existed. That sucks. I know many men that have fathered children outside of their marriages. I also know that many of them disappeared when they discovered that their OW was pregnant. But in the end, most of them returned to at the very least take care of the child while repairing the damage done to their marriages and other children. He ruined his child's life in having the affair in the first place. I don't blame women for getting pregnant, per se. But in this day and age of available birth control for both men and women, I don't understand why anyone would insinuate that protection is simply a woman's job. He could have used protection, whether or not you said you were on something. I will never understand why men would risk an unwanted pregnancy by not using a condom or having a vasectomy when they claim to not want more kids. Never. Take care of yourself. Look into all of your legal options. Be prepared for all of the fallout when the sh*t does hit the fan as best you possibly can. Own your part, not his or even his son's. He should have thought about that before he went around swapping life giving bodily fluids with you. And don't stress about any of this, its not good for the pregnant woman or her growing baby.
norajane Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 HOw can he live like that? How stupidof him?? I mean besides being mean and selfish...he is showing he's really not very intelligent. It's not like we are in a huge city...we live like 20 min away, he knows I have his address and phone #, and just dissapearing like this is a big provocation...how can he sleep at night? He hurted me so much when he said that he cannot have another child, he loves his son too much and ruined his life, buaaaahhh , why he did not care about him while he was going ut with me, sleeping over, mini vacations?...and the last 2 years he was promising a NEAR future together, and all the blah blah blah He can live like that because he's been living like that all during your affair. He's been sneaking around and hiding and lying and hoping his wife doesn't find out for the last 2 years. So it's nothing new for him to hide now from you. He can sleep at night because, again, you always had the ability to contact his wife so he's been living with that knowledge for the last two years...this is really just a continuation of the deception. He was promising you a future in the same way he promised his wife a commitment and broke that promise to her. If you saw that he was with you while his wife was pregnant, it should come as no surprise that he's capable of abandoning you now while you are pregnant. I know OW don't like to hear 'if he lies to his wife, he's perfectly capable of lying to the OW", but I believe it really speaks to his character and integrity that he can and does lie to his wife...meaning, he's not just going to limit his deceptions just to his wife because he is a proven liar and that's how he gets by. OW just don't want to see that because they love the MM and want to believe the best of him and want to believe he is different with OW than with his wife. You will stop feeling so out of control when you look at your behavior and see that you made choices that put you in this position - he didn't do this to you with no warning...you chose to ignore what you were seeing about his character all along. Had you stopped to consider that he was abandoning his wife during her pregnancy, for example, you could have asked yourself why you were clinging to a man who is capable of doing such a thing. And you might have taken control of your life and walked away at that point instead of feeling like he took advantage of you now. So take control now and realize that you are not at his mercy. You are at your own mercy - be kind to yourself and stop asking why and how he could do this to you. You know why and how. You said it yourself. He's selfish and has been all along.
Impudent Oyster Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 my question: How come you got pregnant in the first place... weren't you on birth control? How can people take chances like that... I really don't understand that... really... I have to agree with Lizzie here. This isn't playing house, a child is a huge responsibility and couples who aren't prepared emotionally, financially or otherwise to properly care for one ought not be having unprotected sex. If abortion is out of the question have you considered adoption? As far as disappearing from your life...he made no obligations to you did he? Hell, he took marriage vows with his wife and couldn't keep those, what makes you think he was going to stand by you? He reacted exactly the way any lying cheat would, I'm not the least bit surprised that he bolted. You showed him what your expectations were when you slept with him when his wife was pregnant. You knew how little integrity he had. I guess you'll have to take him to court. These are the kind of risks one takes when they knowingly sleep with a married man.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 If abortion is out of the question have you considered adoption? Do you really think this is an option for someone who said earlier that she had reason to believe that she is infertile? This is not realistic, nor supportive...She has already made her decision...And if you have not been faced with a decision like this, you really have no idea what it entitles... She is in need of support here, hence the title...If posters cannot be supportive of her choice in her time of need, perhaps they should refrain from posting on her thread...
womanwuzcre8dbelow Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I wish people would not be so judgemental about how pregnancies occur and deal w/ the present situation at hand. You know who you people are, cut it out. Advice not criticism is what these people are looking for.
Impudent Oyster Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I don't think this pregnancy was planned... Most pregnancies that end in abortion or adoption aren't.
Author Marielle Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Do you really think this is an option for someone who said earlier that she had reason to believe that she is infertile? This is not realistic, nor supportive...She has already made her decision...And if you have not been faced with a decision like this, you really have no idea what it entitles... She is in need of support here, hence the title...If posters cannot be supportive of her choice in her time of need, perhaps they should refrain from posting on her thread... Thanks GEL, I always read your input on other ppls threads and you always hit on the nail. You give very good advice putting yourself in many other ppls shoes, I mean, not necessarely taking part of the OW, but very objective point of view that is greatly supportive and also eye-opening. I feel a bit better because I got the chance to speak and see him today. He told me that he did not dissapear on me, it's just that he's been 3 days only sleeping and his heart beating very fast- he lost weight. I am still going to keep the baby and determined to be a single mom, I don,t need him, but at least the feeling of abandonment gave me a break today. About all the negative comments...I do not take it personally, they are even right about some aspects, but I don t agree with most of what has been said. A lot of ppl had babies while single, and a lot of married couples are very unhappy and fighting and making childrens life miserable. THere are no guarantee that a couple will raise better a children, or have more rights to expect a baby. Not because I am single I have to give it out, as if I was a 16 y old going to catholic school, I am a grown up woman wo has a good family and can work it out, it won't be easy, but it's not impossible.
Author Marielle Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Did I miss something? He is against abortion for religious reasons, but not adultery. What kind of religion is that? You can't pick and chose parts of the bible to tailor to your life. Either you live by God's plans or you don't. What right does he have to cry about ruining his child's life now? Didn't he worry about that when he was cheating? Man this guy is a real piece of work. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, being a single parent is hard. But I am now a single parent because of another woman. All she got is my ex, I was able to keep everything else. Now she is angry because he doesn't have the money to wine and dine her like before. Alimony, child support and college tuition doesn't leave enough to party on. I hope you can at least get some support after he faces his spouse. I know, all that you worded resumes what goes through my head thousands of times, and fills me up with anger and not understanding. Good for you on getting your life together!!! That shows how strong and resolute you are, congrats on that.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Either you live by God's plans or you don't. Uhh, can someone pass that info to the Priests????
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 How can you get pregnant in the first place when you are having sex with a married man? Don't you use any means of protection or were you just trying to trap him?
Tony Posted August 6, 2007 Senior Moderators Posted August 6, 2007 The member who started this thread came here for advice and support...not judgment and lectures. Please kindly refrain from condemnation and be constructive with your posts or simply don't post anything at all. Many thanks in advance.
Citizen Erased Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 The member who started this thread came here for advice and support...not judgment and lectures. Please kindly refrain from condemnation and be constructive with your posts or simply don't post anything at all. Many thanks in advance. Maybe you should post this on the front page of LS in BIG BOLD BLOCK LETTERS
Citizen Erased Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 Being a priest obviously doesn't mean you live by God's laws. They're just a group of baby rapist dressed for Halloween and I do believe that there is a extra gift for them in hell, because God said that when you hinder someone else from leading a peaceful christian life, he will deal with you. Despite the fact you are generalizing, if you want to express your religious views then do so on the correct forum, not the OW one
IWALH Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 (Yes, I am back, just needed a vacation from LS... and I won't be on here as much as I was) I have a few things to say, as this is a situation that kind of "hits home" with me since I had a baby by xMM (dd is now just about 15 months old). First of all, consider yourself somewhat lucky that he is not saying you should get an abortion. My xMM told me I should get an abortion and said he would pay for it. Sickening. Secondly, never talk to this man again. Ever. It will do nothing but CAUSE PAIN to everyone involved. Is he still married? RUN!!! Even if he is not, RUN!!!! This type of man is pretty much not human. They are disgusting creatures with no morals and no real heart. They lie to everyone in their lives and are GOOD (not good, EXCELLENT) at it. They have their wives, women on the side and family all convinced that they are telling EACH of them the complete TRUTH. I am still a bit screwed up in the head because of the lies he told me. The logical part of me tells me they were all LIES, but he was so freaking convincing and told me he never lied to me. I KNOW he was lying, but I still don't 100% believe he was sometimes. I know if I were to talk to him again he would try and convince me still that he wasn't lying to me when he so blatantly was and it is only now, after over a month of not speaking to him, that I am able to see that. Though it still fu*ks with my head a little when I think about it... so I just don't most of the time. Third, he will never care for that child the way he does his legitimate child. He will always love the other one more. He probably won't even love this one at all. My xMM proved time and time again that he has no love for my daughter. He always acted very apathetic about her, never talked about her while we were amidst our second "affair." It was always about HIM and HIS needs. Never about her.... or me for that matter (unless it was something sexual). Phew, anyway. The bottom line is you need to quit talking to him. Forever. You WILL, one day, find a man who will be a true father to your child. You don't need this slimeball in your life in ANY aspect. It will just cause anguish. To you, your child and everyone else involved. Period.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 (Yes, I am back, just needed a vacation from LS... and I won't be on here as much as I was) Addict! Welcome back... Listen to IWALH, she knows firsthand what you're about to go through, so take her advice into consideration...
Author Marielle Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 (Yes, I am back, just needed a vacation from LS... and I won't be on here as much as I was) I have a few things to say, as this is a situation that kind of "hits home" with me since I had a baby by xMM (dd is now just about 15 months old). First of all, consider yourself somewhat lucky that he is not saying you should get an abortion. My xMM told me I should get an abortion and said he would pay for it. Sickening. Secondly, never talk to this man again. Ever. It will do nothing but CAUSE PAIN to everyone involved. Is he still married? RUN!!! Even if he is not, RUN!!!! This type of man is pretty much not human. They are disgusting creatures with no morals and no real heart. They lie to everyone in their lives and are GOOD (not good, EXCELLENT) at it. They have their wives, women on the side and family all convinced that they are telling EACH of them the complete TRUTH. I am still a bit screwed up in the head because of the lies he told me. The logical part of me tells me they were all LIES, but he was so freaking convincing and told me he never lied to me. I KNOW he was lying, but I still don't 100% believe he was sometimes. I know if I were to talk to him again he would try and convince me still that he wasn't lying to me when he so blatantly was and it is only now, after over a month of not speaking to him, that I am able to see that. Though it still fu*ks with my head a little when I think about it... so I just don't most of the time. Third, he will never care for that child the way he does his legitimate child. He will always love the other one more. He probably won't even love this one at all. My xMM proved time and time again that he has no love for my daughter. He always acted very apathetic about her, never talked about her while we were amidst our second "affair." It was always about HIM and HIS needs. Never about her.... or me for that matter (unless it was something sexual). Phew, anyway. The bottom line is you need to quit talking to him. Forever. You WILL, one day, find a man who will be a true father to your child. You don't need this slimeball in your life in ANY aspect. It will just cause anguish. To you, your child and everyone else involved. Period. Thanks for sharing your story...I agree that I should cut all ties with him, however I am so sick and confused right now that I can't even post. I feel like numb in my head right now, questioning myself, what are ppl going to think, what am I going to do, why I am not a normal person (?)...am I ready, I am quitting smoking, cut off anti-anxiety pills, do not gain to much weight...wait a minute!!!!!!!! I need a break!!!!!this is just an example of what goes through my head in 5 seconds.
Onelife Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Marielle, my heart goes out to you!!!! (((((((((Marielle))))))))) Whatever you decide to do, I hope things will work out for you. IMO, having a child and taking very good care of that child are the most wonderful thing a person can do regardless of how you have come to this point. For now, focus on your health and the baby! Wish I could find the better words to say but I wish you all the best Marielle.
Author Marielle Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Marielle, my heart goes out to you!!!! (((((((((Marielle))))))))) Whatever you decide to do, I hope things will work out for you. IMO, having a child and taking very good care of that child are the most wonderful thing a person can do regardless of how you have come to this point. For now, focus on your health and the baby! Wish I could find the better words to say but I wish you all the best Marielle. Thanks, Onelife, your words are really comforting right now (((((One))))) I agree that having a child is a blessing, I just want to mak sure I can be the best mother and give the baby the best I and my family can, in this kind of situation.
FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Marielle. I have been lurking this board for someone with a situation as mine. I have been with MM for 5 years now. I have a 19-month old and a 2-month old with him. For the past 5 years I kept hearing that he would leave his W and we would be together. Now here I am with two small children and no sign of him every leaving her. (The W knows about me and the kids...he has no kids with her... and still he does nothing.) But I wanted to give you hope that everything is going to be ok. I promised myself that when my 2-month old was born, if MM hadn't left his W by that time, I would end it all. And as of last week, I have begun NC. It is kinda hard since these are his kids and he loves them dearly. But he has been to see them twice in the last week and i have stuck to my guns not to get near him in way shape or form. I will keep you updated on the progress, but I want you to know that all you have to do is love that child with everything that you have and it will all be OKAY!!!
RealityCheck Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Marielle. I have been lurking this board for someone with a situation as mine. I have been with MM for 5 years now. I have a 19-month old and a 2-month old with him. For the past 5 years I kept hearing that he would leave his W and we would be together. Now here I am with two small children and no sign of him every leaving her. (The W knows about me and the kids...he has no kids with her... and still he does nothing.) But I wanted to give you hope that everything is going to be ok. I promised myself that when my 2-month old was born, if MM hadn't left his W by that time, I would end it all. And as of last week, I have begun NC. It is kinda hard since these are his kids and he loves them dearly. But he has been to see them twice in the last week and i have stuck to my guns not to get near him in way shape or form. I will keep you updated on the progress, but I want you to know that all you have to do is love that child with everything that you have and it will all be OKAY!!! Whoe! Believe me I am not judging your situation, but I had to read this twice! I have to ask you, does his W know about the children? I can barely breathe. Is he giving you child support for those babies?
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