Need support-Pregnant

[Marielle]

So it happened to me now...

I found out I am pregnant and I m in shock. This was not expected and not the right time, not the right father, if you know what I mean.

 

For those of you who don t know I was involved with a MM for more than 2 yrs, rollercoaster, many b up's and we where still together, him promising me a future together and failing to keep his promises too many times. I was still with him because I was very much in love with this man. We where very close and he was apparently sooooo in love with me.

 

So now I m pregnant, he 's SHOCKED, because he already has a kid and lost his job. He distanced from me, says he needs to be alone to think what to do and cannot afford having another child! But he told me not to have an abortion, he is against it. (because of his religion). He was crying on the phone because he's ruining his son's life.

I am so hurt and broken hearted beyond what you can imagine.

But I want to keep the child, because I am ready and have support from my family.

I just need support because my heart is into 1000 pieces.

Just last week he was telling me that if I become pregnant he would be very happy (?!)

[whichwayisup]

Have the baby and exclude him from your life completely.

 

There's a big difference of him saying he'd be happy about you being pregnant and actually having it happen. Once again, a typical MM's actions don't meet his words......

 

This is going to be rough on you, so definately have your family involved. Get some therapy in too. I know you don't want to hear this now, but the chances of your MM giving up his wife, let alone his son, are really really really low...He knows he screwed up, and now he's been put in a situation that could ruin his life as he knows it.

 

I do have one question, if you don't mind? Did the condom break? Or were you two not using protection?

[Cliche]

Have the baby and exclude him from your life completely.

 

Oh, I don't know that I agree with that. While I think you might want to protect your heart, Marielle, by not involving him in your life romantically, he should have a chance to be in his child's life.

 

I hear he's not happy now, but this is new and shocking. He might change his mind.

 

Marielle, I am so sorry you're hurting so badly. I don't even know what to say except to tell you that you'll go on and you'll be okay. WWIU has the best advice, FIND YOURSELF A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM (preferrably not MM). You'll need it, and your loved ones will help you get through this. Please PM if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on.

[annabelle75]

Good advice. Accept for I don't think it matters how it happened (women get pregnant all the time with out intention), all that matters is that it has.

 

Right now you need to focus your energy on the baby and what will be the best for it. Things are about to get really messy. If he doesn't stand up and take repsonsibility, you might have to resort to legal avenues for your child. Hopefully not, but it could very likely be the case. You may even have to prove he's the father. His W will know what is happening if the state comes after him for child support and who knows what kind of lie he might tell her to keep the peace. Also, be sure his name is on the birth certficate to make sure your child is protected in the future. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

 

Hopefully he will stand up and do the right thing by you and the child. But be prepared is he doesn't. Right now the child should be your first and foremost priority.

 

And ..... Congratulations! Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. ((hugs))

[Cliche]

And ..... Congratulations! Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. ((hugs))

I agree. That's a really good thing to focus on...how great children are when all the fear of this change subsides, they are such a source of joy.

[lost4ever]

Please listen to the two other post, REALLY get together a support team! The only focus now is giving that baby the best life you can!

IMO I wouldn't kick MM out of life, but know (and be ready) that he may choose to not be a part of it, or only be a part of it from time to time...and not to make you worry, but start thinking about how you will deal with him and his wife wanting joint custody....

[Marielle]

Have the baby and exclude him from your life completely.

 

There's a big difference of him saying he'd be happy about you being pregnant and actually having it happen. Once again, a typical MM's actions don't meet his words......

 

This is going to be rough on you, so definately have your family involved. Get some therapy in too. I know you don't want to hear this now, but the chances of your MM giving up his wife, let alone his son, are really really really low...He knows he screwed up, and now he's been put in a situation that could ruin his life as he knows it.

 

I do have one question, if you don't mind? Did the condom break? Or were you two not using protection?

 

 

THanks W, I was really waiting for your input. I agree with all you said, and I know he's not going to leave her by the way he is reacting.

I do need therapy ASAP and I am worried about $$$, since I can barely support myself.

Another worry is that my job is physical (I teach in a gym- on the pool) and I heard it's not good t get overheated the first trimester. What to do???

SO here Iam all confused, and heart broken, missing him like crazy even if he is breaking my heart, and a bit happy tthat I am finally going to have a baby (I thought I was infertile, for many reasons)

oufff, sorry so much info but I'm overwhelmed ...

[Marielle]

Oh, I don't know that I agree with that. While I think you might want to protect your heart, Marielle, by not involving him in your life romantically, he should have a chance to be in his child's life.

 

I hear he's not happy now, but this is new and shocking. He might change his mind.

 

Marielle, I am so sorry you're hurting so badly. I don't even know what to say except to tell you that you'll go on and you'll be okay. WWIU has the best advice, FIND YOURSELF A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM (preferrably not MM). You'll need it, and your loved ones will help you get through this. Please PM if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on.

 

He might change his mind, but the way he reacted was very surprising for someone who said to love me so deeply...I am shocked by his absence.

Cliche, I am glad that I will have a baby, but my heart is broken! I hope that this feeling will go away soon so I can focus 100% on my baby.

[Marielle]

Good advice. Accept for I don't think it matters how it happened (women get pregnant all the time with out intention), all that matters is that it has.

 

Right now you need to focus your energy on the baby and what will be the best for it. Things are about to get really messy. If he doesn't stand up and take repsonsibility, you might have to resort to legal avenues for your child. Hopefully not, but it could very likely be the case. You may even have to prove he's the father. His W will know what is happening if the state comes after him for child support and who knows what kind of lie he might tell her to keep the peace. Also, be sure his name is on the birth certficate to make sure your child is protected in the future. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

 

Hopefully he will stand up and do the right thing by you and the child. But be prepared is he doesn't. Right now the child should be your first and foremost priority.

 

And ..... Congratulations! Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. ((hugs))

 

Annabelle, let me undrstand, why should his name be on the BC? Isn't it worst if he decides to have custody?

I do not know anything about rights or support, I m s lost in what I should do...

The last time I spoke with him he was crying on the phone expressing how he's ruining his son's life (!) and I just said, allright, son't worry, I will dissapear from your life as if nothing ever happenned, don 't worry AT ALL, and I hung up. this was this morning, he never called me back!

[annabelle75]

Annabelle, let me undrstand, why should his name be on the BC? Isn't it worst if he decides to have custody?

I do not know anything about rights or support, I m s lost in what I should do...

The last time I spoke with him he was crying on the phone expressing how he's ruining his son's life (!) and I just said, allright, son't worry, I will dissapear from your life as if nothing ever happenned, don 't worry AT ALL, and I hung up. this was this morning, he never called me back!

 

If you don't put his name on the BC, you will have to jump through all sorts of legal hoops in the future when it comes ot child support or when the state wants compensation from the father if you ever end up needing state assistance with child care costs.

 

If he for some stupid reason decided he wanted custody, all he would have to do is request a paternity test. Not having his name on the BC would not stop that.

 

Stop thinking about what would make his life easier. You're the one that is going to be raising a child on your own. Your child deserves to have a legal father that will provide him with financial assistance when needed. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

 

What you want and what he wants do not matter right now. What is best for your child is everything that matters.

[East of Jupiter]

So it happened to me now...

I found out I am pregnant and I m in shock. This was not expected and not the right time, not the right father, if you know what I mean.

 

For those of you who don t know I was involved with a MM for more than 2 yrs, rollercoaster, many b up's and we where still together, him promising me a future together and failing to keep his promises too many times. I was still with him because I was very much in love with this man. We where very close and he was apparently sooooo in love with me.

 

So now I m pregnant, he 's SHOCKED, because he already has a kid and lost his job. He distanced from me, says he needs to be alone to think what to do and cannot afford having another child! But he told me not to have an abortion, he is against it. (because of his religion). He was crying on the phone because he's ruining his son's life.

I am so hurt and broken hearted beyond what you can imagine.

But I want to keep the child, because I am ready and have support from my family.

I just need support because my heart is into 1000 pieces.

Just last week he was telling me that if I become pregnant he would be very happy (?!)

 

Marielle,

 

I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation. You said you have the support of friends and family. Take advantage of that.

 

As for the MM, this is when you will find out who this guy really is. But since you have decided to keep the baby, he (and his immediate family) will be a part of your life for a very long time.

 

If you can, seek some counseling to help you cope with this very emotionally tricky situation. It will harder before it gets better but rest assured, it WILL GET BETTER eventually.

 

Besides, you have a baby on the way and all baby's are a gift from God no matter how they get here.

[East of Jupiter]

Annabelle, let me undrstand, why should his name be on the BC? Isn't it worst if he decides to have custody?

I do not know anything about rights or support, I m s lost in what I should do...

The last time I spoke with him he was crying on the phone expressing how he's ruining his son's life (!) and I just said, allright, son't worry, I will dissapear from your life as if nothing ever happenned, don 't worry AT ALL, and I hung up. this was this morning, he never called me back!

 

 

Stay open minded. He is in shock as you said and you need to give him time to deal with this. I gather you are single and that he is married with a child. He has a lot of explaining to do. His wife is going to be devastated and will need him as well. This will take time. Don't judge him to harshly yet. This is a big mess.

[NoIDidn't]

Congrats Marielle. Though the situation is far from ideal and not everyone is going to support you, this is YOUR baby/child to nurture regardless of MM.

 

This is going to be a sticky situation and one where you find out where MM heart really is. Lots more ups and downs. Do keep an open mind and an open heart (for all that he's betrayed, because that's what he is going to be thinking about more than anything else).

[Lizzie60]

my question: How come you got pregnant in the first place... weren't you on birth control?

 

How can people take chances like that... I really don't understand that... really...

[Marielle]

Stay open minded. He is in shock as you said and you need to give him time to deal with this. I gather you are single and that he is married with a child. He has a lot of explaining to do. His wife is going to be devastated and will need him as well. This will take time. Don't judge him to harshly yet. This is a big mess.

 

I will try, thanks for your kindness and understanding. I want to so bad to be open minded, but it's hard when so many negative ideas about him race through my head (did he used me?? was I only "that" for him??)

I am happy inside that I will bring a baby to this world though, I just wish I can concentrate on that only.

[scaredinlove]

Marielle

 

Yoou need all the suport you can get, sorry it is all a mess. Try to stay cool and if MM comes around fine but to judge him to harsh yet. You child will wwant to know his/her father. That baby is the most important person in this now.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[norajane]

he already has a kid and lost his job.

 

But I want to keep the child, because I am ready

 

I am worried about $$$, since I can barely support myself.

 

What makes you so ready when you're broke and he's broke?

 

Do you have health insurance, and does it cover maternity benefits? Will you be able to carry your child on your health insurance after it's born? Can you afford the extra monthly cost for the dependent care coverage? Will your job give you maternity leave and take you back afterwards? Will they pay you while you are out on maternity leave?

 

I'm assuming your family support includes child care when you go back to work after the baby is born?

 

Another worry is that my job is physical (I teach in a gym- on the pool) and I heard it's not good t get overheated the first trimester.

Pool? You're going to have to be concerned about your second and third trimesters too...I know low impact pool exercises are good for pregnant women, but can you teach whatever you teach while you're pregnant, especially your 6th to 9th months?

 

Have you spoken to your employer about transferring to another role during your pregnancy?

 

 

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but if you haven't thought about these very real, very practical concerns, you really need to.

 

And see a lawyer so you understand EXACTLY what your rights and responsibilities are under the circumstances.

[Marielle]

What makes you so ready when you're broke and he's broke?

 

I MEANT READY BIOLOGICALLY AND WHERE I AM IN LIFE...i DID NOT MEAN READY LIKE IN AN IDEAL SITUATION, I MEANT READY BECAUSE I AM NOT 17 YO LEAVING AT MOMS...I AM ALMOST 36, THINKING I COULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN (BECAUSE OF ABORTIONS).

 

Do you have health insurance, and does it cover maternity benefits? Will you be able to carry your child on your health insurance after it's born? Can you afford the extra monthly cost for the dependent care coverage? Will your job give you maternity leave and take you back afterwards? Will they pay you while you are out on maternity leave?

 

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, I SAW "SICKO" THAT'S SO SCARY, BUT I M IN CANADA, THE SITUATION IS MUCH EASIER HERE.

THE JOB PART IS TRICKY, BECAUSE I TEACH IN A GYM, BUT HAVE A POSSIBILITY T GET AN ADMIN JOB THERE NEXT MONTH, IN ORDER TO BECOME A "REAL EMPLOYEE" THE BOSS IS MY FRIEND.

 

I'm assuming your family support includes child care when you go back to work after the baby is born?

 

Pool? You're going to have to be concerned about your second and third trimesters too...I know low impact pool exercises are good for pregnant women, but can you teach whatever you teach while you're pregnant, especially your 6th to 9th months?

 

i RESEARCHED AND YOU CAN TEACH TILL 8 MO, WHAT i TEACH ON DECK IS NON IMPACT AT ALL, MORE COACHING AND MOTIVATION.

 

Have you spoken to your employer about transferring to another role during your pregnancy?

 

NORAJANE, HONESTLY YOUR CONCERNS, I MEAN WHAT I SHOULD BE CONCERNED IT'S TRUE, IM NOT IN DENIAL, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE BEST OUT OF IT WITHOUT GETTING DEPRESSED AND BE ABLE TO SHOW MY BABY A LOVING PLACE TO BE.

 

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but if you haven't thought about these very real, very practical concerns, you really need to.

 

And see a lawyer so you understand EXACTLY what your rights and responsibilities are under the circumstances.

 

I WILL SOON...

[Marielle]

Sorry it looks so confusing...It's 6 am over here, lol

[norajane]

NORAJANE, HONESTLY YOUR CONCERNS, I MEAN WHAT I SHOULD BE CONCERNED IT'S TRUE, IM NOT IN DENIAL, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE BEST OUT OF IT WITHOUT GETTING DEPRESSED AND BE ABLE TO SHOW MY BABY A LOVING PLACE TO BE.

 

I understand. I've just found that facing an overwhelming problem and coming up with a plan and creating solutions for each part of the problem usually helps in make me feel less overwhelmed and less depressed - because I can see how it will work out.

 

If all I do is worry about it and hope for the best, then I remain anxious and accomplish nothing toward solving the problem and CREATING the best outcome.

[pricillia]

my question: How come you got pregnant in the first place... weren't you on birth control?

 

How can people take chances like that... I really don't understand that... really...

 

 

This seems like a snobby comment

[Marielle]

Thanks all for your good advice and support. I know I have to be prudent, focus on the baby, forget about the R, know my rights and this is just to start.

BUT I m really devastated right now, he stopped calling me, dissapeared completely. I let my pride aside and txt'd him...no reply, NADA

 

I am so sad, anxious, alone and feel like crying all the time, even in public, so I decided to stay home to not make a fool of myself.

 

OMG what a mess! I feel so humiliated!!!

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, there isn't much more you can do right now except leave him alone. Fact that he is avoiding you, says alot. I know it's killing you, but in the full picture, maybe it's for best. This way, with the help of your family and friends, you will heal, become the mom you're meant to be, without having all the drama, problems and stress that would be in your life if the MM is involved.

 

Hope you feel better.

[pricillia]

http://www.youandmekid.net/linksforsinglepregnantwomen.htm

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks all for your good advice and support. I know I have to be prudent, focus on the baby, forget about the R, know my rights and this is just to start.

BUT I m really devastated right now, he stopped calling me, dissapeared completely. I let my pride aside and txt'd him...no reply, NADA

 

I am so sad, anxious, alone and feel like crying all the time, even in public, so I decided to stay home to not make a fool of myself.

 

OMG what a mess! I feel so humiliated!!!

 

Number 1-take care of yourself...Your baby is counting on you...You need to try and focus on the baby not on what anyone else is going to do, what you are going to do...

 

Forget him right now and focus on you and the baby...