rtharp11 Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Ok, so i somewhow have to make a long story short. All last year this girl really liked me. I really wasn't that attracted to her, other than we were amazing friends and I loved hanging out with her. She kept pushing for more and more. Soon we started making out, and things progressed to where we hung out everyday, and we talked about how we were exclusive. The problem was that I really didn't want a relationship with her then, but I was emotionally attached to her and very protective of her. There was a double standard. May comes along, and I go to Brazil for a month. I left without clarifying anything with us. While I was there I absolutely fall for this girl. I realize that she was always there for me, and for the first time in my life, I get over the small things that normally bother me, and I become more and more attracted to her personality. The thing is, that while I was gone, she started liking another guy. She broke up with me, and for some reason it KILLED me. She broke up with me a month ago, and I am still so hurt over it. I feel dragged through the mud the past month. I begged her to, so she called me every night to tell me she was ok and home safe. I know she cares about me, but she can't handle my anxiety over the situation. She likes this other guy a lot too, and this confuses her. I have been dying the last month. I want to feel better. I blew up at her last night. I got way to angry, but everything for the past month just exploded out of me. I don't know why I hurt so bad when I was so selfish last year. I want her to feel about me the way that she used to, but I have ruined it. I am hurting. Tired of having to deal with the thought of her with another guy, and lonely. This all happened while I was moving to a new town and a new apartment. I am lonely and that is one of my problems. I have tried to get myself out there. I have been volunteering at a youth things friday nights, i just signed up for Big Brother, and i start law school in two weeks....but the only thing I can think about is her. HELP ME!
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 What you are feeling is guilt, as you had this woman, and always loved her, but you never saw it. The close bond comes from the emotional attachment and not the physical. You bonded with this girl mematally, a very powerful thing, that lastes a lifetime. She will know the you blew up and said the wrong things b/c you were hurt and upset, but the way to deal with this is to let her be and make up her own mind who if any she wants. It may be now that she wants you as a friend but that will be hard for you. All you can do, is give her space, and let faith do the rest, what will be will be. Feel your emotions, its a good thing. we have all talked to our ex 's full of emotions, and highley charged, and we have all cocked up. dont worry, dont be hard on your self, and dont feel guilt. Just try to relax, and go with the flow of your situation.
Author rtharp11 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Just try to relax, and go with the flow of your situation. thank you. it is so hard for me to go with the flow. i want peace in my heart, and that seems so far off! i am way to clingy, controlling, and claustrophobic with her. she is crying for her space. i guess i just need to give it to her, but my heart hurts so bad, and i know that she was so incredibly hurt by last night and she feels like i invaded her privacy. i am worried that if i let her go and give her space, that she will never come back!!
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 thank you. it is so hard for me to go with the flow. i want peace in my heart, and that seems so far off! i am way to clingy, controlling, and claustrophobic with her. she is crying for her space. i guess i just need to give it to her, but my heart hurts so bad, and i know that she was so incredibly hurt by last night and she feels like i invaded her privacy. i am worried that if i let her go and give her space, that she will never come back!! I know you are, i know your pain belive me i do. You have to do what you feel is right, but right now i would just leave her to calm down, and you can learn from this. Its very destructive to be controlling, my ex was, and i withdrew from her, but i still loved her. If she loves you, these nothing that will stop her from coming back, if she does, remember whats happened here for next time. If she doent, then feel your pain, you will grow from it. Everything you have said above is all what you want. Think what she wants, space? if you love her, let her have it. If you love her let her go, if its true she will come back. Meanwhile think about yourself, and how to get yourself into a better place for now.
Author rtharp11 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 I know you are, i know your pain belive me i do. You have to do what you feel is right, but right now i would just leave her to calm down, and you can learn from this. Its very destructive to be controlling, my ex was, and i withdrew from her, but i still loved her. If she loves you, these nothing that will stop her from coming back, if she does, remember whats happened here for next time. If she doent, then feel your pain, you will grow from it. Everything you have said above is all what you want. Think what she wants, space? if you love her, let her have it. If you love her let her go, if its true she will come back. Meanwhile think about yourself, and how to get yourself into a better place for now. i know what you are trying to get at here. there is just more involved than that. i don't think it is ever possible for us to get back together even if she wanted to. while i took her for granted last year....i made a mistake and hooked up with one fo her roommates. she would be so hurt if she ever found out....i dont know what to do. im an ass. i know.
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 i know what you are trying to get at here. there is just more involved than that. i don't think it is ever possible for us to get back together even if she wanted to. while i took her for granted last year....i made a mistake and hooked up with one fo her roommates. she would be so hurt if she ever found out....i dont know what to do. im an ass. i know. course your not, your feeling guilt more than anything, and thats why you blew up on her, cos your full of guilt. Let it go, write to her all your thoughts, then burn it, or chuck it. Read the other posts on here, see what others are going through. The pain is the same, your not alone. Take a walk, have a think, you cant force time, but you can see yourself ahead of it, like in two months say??
Author rtharp11 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 ok well i waited over the weekend and here is what happened. on thursday we got in our big fight. friday comes along and we are both hurt. she tell me that she needs more space. that she cant feel like she has to report to me every night and call me to get interrogated. obviously she is right. i feel so helpless not beign with her that whenever she called me i would always ask too many questions. she said she needed her space. i tried so hard to give it to her. she just sent me a text message each night to tell me sweet dreams. what do i do? why is she sending me these good night text messages? she is full of so many mixed messages. i know she needs her space and cant report to me, but why the mixed messages and why the sweet dreams texts?
Curious139 Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I know what you are going through - I'm there myself. The difference for me is that my love is at a distance so not seeing her is part of the solution. No-one can make another person love us, be with us, want us. It has to come from that other person's heart. Sometimes things just don't work out - often for reasons outside the couple, or reasons we cannot know. Seeking an answer can be a path to destruction when angry words are exchanged, and they can never be taken back. Getting to the acceptance point without anger or blame is very hard. I'm not there yet, although I'm only angry with myself. In my case I delayed committing to my love while working up to separating from my wife. My love got sick of waiting, feeling rejected, led on - and found someone else. I can barely type those words, my anguish after 5 weeks is still so fresh. I feel as though my life has stopped - hit a brick wall and there is no future. This lady is the love of my life. The only way I can get through the grieving process is No Contact. We all somehow have to remove ourselves from having our pain, our hopes, our dreams being refreshed. No Contact is the only way. If the relationship ever begins again, it won't be because we have pleaded and promised, lost our self-respect. Indeed maintaining a certain dignity makes us more attractive. Ultimately, despite intensity of love, not every relationship works out. It is such a hard hard fact to accept but just look through this site and you'll find hundreds of examples. Take comfort that you are among friends and we know exactly what you are going through.
Author rtharp11 Posted August 7, 2007 Author Posted August 7, 2007 I know what you are going through - I'm there myself. The difference for me is that my love is at a distance so not seeing her is part of the solution. No-one can make another person love us, be with us, want us. It has to come from that other person's heart. Sometimes things just don't work out - often for reasons outside the couple, or reasons we cannot know. Seeking an answer can be a path to destruction when angry words are exchanged, and they can never be taken back. Getting to the acceptance point without anger or blame is very hard. I'm not there yet, although I'm only angry with myself. In my case I delayed committing to my love while working up to separating from my wife. My love got sick of waiting, feeling rejected, led on - and found someone else. I can barely type those words, my anguish after 5 weeks is still so fresh. I feel as though my life has stopped - hit a brick wall and there is no future. This lady is the love of my life. The only way I can get through the grieving process is No Contact. We all somehow have to remove ourselves from having our pain, our hopes, our dreams being refreshed. No Contact is the only way. If the relationship ever begins again, it won't be because we have pleaded and promised, lost our self-respect. Indeed maintaining a certain dignity makes us more attractive. Ultimately, despite intensity of love, not every relationship works out. It is such a hard hard fact to accept but just look through this site and you'll find hundreds of examples. Take comfort that you are among friends and we know exactly what you are going through. thank you so much for your words. last night i had somewhat of a break through. i realized we will never be together, and that is ok, because i didnt think she was The One. She is great, but so much different than what i imagine myself to be with forever. I just am hurt, and lonely, and want someone to be there for me. Last night I fell asleep content at where I was at. This morning has been harder. I doubt again, I still am trying to stop the urge of calling her, but the hurt is less. Do you think that this is only the case because I saw her last night? The more I go without seeing her, will I feel worse and worse? Or have I actually gotten over a hurdle here?
Curious139 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Wish I could answer that. We all react differently. I've just had a chatty email from my ex, after 3 weeks NC, which threw me for a loop. It lifted me because it meant she hadn't completely forgotten I exist but I know it also refreshed the hurt which I'm going to have to deal with over the next week. Answered it avoiding emotional stuff which I realise she doesn't want to hear. She has no idea of the torture I've been going through.......and I won't tell her. That's the only way I can recover my dignity. I think you are over the hurdle, particularly if you recognise that she isn't the one. Please, for your own well-being, keep up NC from your side. You don't have to ignore her if she contacts you although many people would advise not responding at all. Keep it cool and short, otherwise you simply set yourself up to be hurt some more. Believe me - I know.......
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