Next !

[Arizona100]

And here it f***ng goes again, I cant believe how much balls guys have (sarcasm..)

 

So I met this guy right a few weeks ago (yes yes I didnt tell you that..but hence my last post where I asked for some advices about dating), thats the way it always begin "I met this guy" and he clearly sent me the message he wanted to date me. Why not. I find him attractive, smart, and I am at the point where I am ok with dating again (I am divorced btw).

 

We made plans to go camping and spend the week end together. Ok, cool. That's a nice change for me. I drove there and we met at his house.

 

You wont believe what happened 2 hours ago.. (he's sleeping hehe ..lucky me the comp is downstairs)..although yes you will believe it cause its a classic .. he gave me the "I want to take it slow, like maybe years slow. You know I just got divorced. How about we first be friends with benefiits?"

haha! yeah right... "Friends with benefits? uhm no, I am ok with taking it slow (because I know what it is to be divorced you all, I do ..) but if thats where we're going, I'd rather call it before anything happens"(like getting in bed...although we did touch each other, you know ). That was my answer, roughly.

To that I got a "you're not here just because I want sex, you're more, I had other girls and they didnt spend time with me, even less the whole week end" .. k...

 

So do I want to get into a relationship with a guy I barely know? Yes, it was in the back of my mind, I like him and I dont use people for sex (damit maybe I should!). I thought we had potential for something more.

Do I want to live with him and marry him? Hell no!! Since when the two only options we have are Sex OR Marriage?? What the hell really ... yes i am pissed... Can't we just enjoy the situation?!

 

So now, in my head, I almost fell into the "he needs time, maybe if i stick around, he'll get more involved with me". Well get that bs out of your mind girl, you know better!! /slap self

 

So now I am stuck spending the week end here because i dont want to just leave (yup, no way I am gonna be in the role of the freaked out girl, I'm gonna stay the cool one and have a good time, beside I love the outdoors so I intend on having FUN).

 

I have to take that tire tester back to that nice mechanic who did the pressure on my tires before I left, if i dont see no rings, guess who's gonna ask him if he has a gf? I am gonna follow the advice I got in my last post and date around. I dont intend on breaking any heart but I think I am done with the honest bs, nice girls finish last.

 

Yes I am ranting and I am sorry for the wall of text. I dont think there is anything more to say, or any comment to give. I know there is someone out there for me, thing is, thats not this guy. We get along great but I am not about to get my heart broken!

 

Why am I pissed? I guess I am pissed because i allowed myself to make plans on this guy just to hear "mmh friends with benefit?". We should know better than to start making plans that early? Yes I agree. But damit, cant they bother telling UP FRONT "I am here for sex" and not to send the dating messages so we dont lose time! So that I dont waste my time thinking about him and enjoying his phone calls, his kisses or his hugs ..for instance. You know ..

 

I am so pissed after myself. SOOO pissed. ok yes, I want one comment, am I overreacting? Is it the way it is when you meet a guy whos divorced like me, do we have to go through the "casual dating" thing ? Am I right if i intend on dating other people ? Bah I am lost.

[jcster]

I think that in the case of someone that you haven't previously been friends with, "friends with benefits" equals casual dating with sex. I'm divorced, too, and I loathe that term! But, then I think...I don't want to get married again - I'm not really sure that I even WANT a committed relationship at this point - heck, even seeing someone multiple times a week seems like a lot of work. So - why do I mind the "friends with benefits setup?"

 

If you like this guy, and you would be happy just hanging out and doing fun things with him (including sex), then I would ignore the friends with benefits comment, because he's really misusing the term. What he's saying is that he's not ready for a committed relationship - at least he's being honest.

[Krytellan]

Is it the way it is when you meet a guy whos divorced like me, do we have to go through the "casual dating" thing ? Am I right if i intend on dating other people ? Bah I am lost.

 

I'm just now feeling this out for myself as well. I'll keep you informed as I learn about things. I recently divorced and fell into a relationship after and now find myself truly in the middle of the dating world. I'm not sure what the world looks like though.

 

It's not necessarily the way it is and you know that. He was just one of the guys that is into the casual dating thing. You know he is but one fish in a large pool. I find myself in a rather carefree and "not in a hurry to make any life partner decisions" stage that could manifest in what seems to be casual dating behavior, but I can't really know that yet. That's probably a natural reaction to the marriage mistake.

 

No matter what you're situation, there is someone out there that fits into your scheme, just gotta find him. Maybe give just a little bit less emotionally to people you date until you get to know them better. I always thought 10 weeks was a good arbitrary time-frame. It allows the newness to wear off and lets life start happening tothe relationship.

 

Good Luck girl.

[Lizzie60]

I don't get it.. why are you soooo upset?

 

Why is it always the guys who have to be sooo specific about the 'rules'... why is it so hard for women to ask.

 

I don't think he promised you anything... you read too much into this. you thought there would be more... but where did he lead you to more? Did I miss it?

 

Anyway...all that to say...enjoy the guys...you're single now.. you're free...why not just have a good time with him if you like him... the only danger is 'don't fall in love' with him... if you do then you're setting yourself up for a heartbreak.

 

OK...here's what I would have done... I would have gone camping with him... have sex... enjoy myself... and then go home... leave him alone... be independant, no contact, wait for him to make a move... if he doesn't... well too bad, so sad.. but trust me... most of the time, they come back and they are the ones on their knees...

[jcster]

It's so hard to go from that married mindset back to dating. I've found myself stuck in that bizzare zone that the OP finds herself in: not looking to commit, but finding myself oddly insulted by a guy that only wants a casual relationship. I know that I only want a casual relationship - and find myself wondering WHY it bugs me so much when that's all the guy offers.

 

It's a change in paradigm that one has to make, I think, in order to move ahead with our lives.

[Arizona100]

Well well, here I am back from my week end.

I had fun, *we* had a lot of fun actually when we went past the tension that our little talk created.

 

It's definitely a heartbroken. He's not ready and I am (for the perspective of a relationship), he wants to date several people, I don't. Doesn't need to be a genius to understand who's falling for who with the two of us. He knows I am.

 

I am gonna be busy working the next few weeks, we share the same hobbie (we were friends, talking for about a month before things went further) so we'll still hang out but I won't pressure him in any way, for MY sake actually.. I don't want to get myself involved in sweet talking and daily contacts. I need to get away from this guy. It might sound selfish, I can take that, but yes, I rather take my distance. Maybe in a few months, for now we can "hang out".

[Trimmer]

Well, here's how I would look at it. You may be disappointed that you aren't both looking for the same thing, but he is who he is, and you are who you are, and the good thing that happened is that somehow you managed - whether directly or indirectly - to communicate to each other what you were each looking for early on in your relationship.

 

Better to discover it now than later...

[melodymatters]

It's so hard to go from that married mindset back to dating. I've found myself stuck in that bizzare zone that the OP finds herself in: not looking to commit, but finding myself oddly insulted by a guy that only wants a casual relationship. I know that I only want a casual relationship - and find myself wondering WHY it bugs me so much when that's all the guy offers.

 

It's a change in paradigm that one has to make, I think, in order to move ahead with our lives.

 

 

I couldn't have said it better, ( which is why I'm just reposting it ! ) Cheers !

IF you figure that one out Pm me !

[Arizona100]

Often on this forum I see the members asking for "what do I do?", I have asked the same. I think that, in similar cases, the best advice we can give is "leave him alone", just like Lizzie60 said.

 

What you said Krytellan is very true also.

 

So why is it a good advice? Because the last thing you want to do, with anybody and in any case, is to crowd someone. And the last thing you want to do is to get yourself sick over it. To leave him alone doesn't mean that your goal is to "catch the fish" only, your goal is not to crowd YOURSELF with feelings and get hurt in the end. That way you can focus on something else (and to show that you are independent is imo the best thing in the world.) and if it doesn't happen, you went on with your life. If it does happen, what a nice cherry on the cake!

 

By the way, I got the remark that I was too independent and that men don't like that (remark he gave me), not to insert the whole conversation but it clicked in my head, when he said men, he meant him. That's funny, somewhat.

[oppath]

I agree that he misused the friends with benefits label; he is saying he is not ready for a relationship BEFORE he leads you into one. My ex asked to be friends with benefits and claimed she just wasn't ready for a relationship; my problem with that was she was ready to tell me she loved me, thought I was the guy she was going to marry, and daydreamed about our kids and how I would be a good father. I kind of think those statements promised me more, so the whole having fun thing, after we had dated exclusively for 6 months, kind of pissed me off.

 

This guy has not done that. You can always say "to me, friends with benefits means let's hang out and have sex together until we find relationships. It implies, we'll sleep together until someone better comes along. I feel this is very different from casual dating. Are you asking me to be friends with benefits? Or are you just saying you aren't ready to pursue a relationship?"

[Arizona100]

I did say I didn't want to be friends to benefit, because it meant "lets hang out and have sex till we find someone better", thats almost word to word what I answered. To which he replied that no, I wouldn't be spending the whole week end with him if it was just about sex between us. He has a point.

 

ok.

 

Well I agree that I stressed him with my little talk, but hearing the "friends with benefit" did stress the hell out of me also.

Now, should it be all about the other half when we meet someone? Should I bend over his rules and forget myself? I think not

I have to protect myself also and I know I cannot handle such a relation, it will only lead me to get further attached to him, will make me miserable and honestly, what image of myself would I give?

 

Yes, I'll keep him hanging around, we do share the same hobbie, but it's a no contact rule on my side. Doesn't mean I am gonna play games and become nasty, just means... no contact initiated by me other than the have to. And no phone calls at all.

 

You know there is something else that totally hit me today. I have nothing to offer right now, beside myself. I am working my way back in life to having a decent place to live, decent job, in a word, I am working my way back to being financially stable. My divorce pretty much left me naked (I left my ex husband everything we had). I also have personal issues to resolve with a family member. I am actually about to get off the comp and call her. My first step toward "rehab" lol

 

I think that as long as I will not have all of that fixed, I will not be ready either to get into a relationship. And I wont be as attractive as I could be either. You know the saying "sometimes love isn't enough". I think he saw that, any man will see it. Bottom line, I am in the process of working my butt off to get back into control. And that's not easy.

Ah.. I am thinking.. maybe he feels that way too... he's the kind of person who gets offended, almost, if a woman buys anything to him or share the tab. He is in the process of getting back on track as well.

[Arizona100]

Uhm.. he called .. wanted to chat with me.. an hour on the phone... You guys, what's wrong with you!

[jcster]

I have nothing to offer right now, beside myself. I am working my way back in life to having a decent place to live, decent job, in a word, I am working my way back to being financially stable. My divorce pretty much left me naked (I left my ex husband everything we had).

 

Ugh. Me too. I left him the house, car and dog. I walked out with the clothes on my back. Maybe that's it. I feel a bit raggedy right now. Not up to putting much into a relationship, but insulted as hell when someone assumes I don't want one. Put me down as prickly - and I'll sit the next dance out, thanks.

[Arizona100]

I got a second job so it wont be long till I am back to what I had. I can't wait though.

 

Yesterday when we talked on the phone he said he was gonna be home all week end, to which I spontaneously replied "oh not me! I am going out on Saturday, I am gonna walk, I know a trail, etc.."

Well this morning we were talking and I got a "we can do <whatever it was> together this week end if you aren't busy of course.. ; ) " , kind of a "remark" comment, followed by a "I might go out on Friday" (uh you do whatever you want lol!). I didn't comment any of it since I didn't see anything to say..

What the hell ? I hate mix signals, I don't want to commit but don't go away. w/e ..

 

Anyway, I stick to my plan of getting back on track before trying anything with anyone.

[Cobra_X30]

Ha, I found your thread!

 

The only thing of any real value that you will ever be able to offer a guy is yourself. Unless you like men with legal trouble and no job or money.

 

Hmmm... I would say that this guy is confused as to what he wants. You just previously showed him that you have a healthy dose of self respect, now he wants you to know he is interested... but not too interested. Sounds like Game On! I'd sit back and see how he plays it. The more coy you are the stronger those "I like you" signals should get. If they dont... well I think that shows exactly what he was really interested in.

 

Just think of yourself like Heinze 57... Worth the wait.

 

Side note... I have always found it better long term to just get a new job that pays better than get a second job.

[Arizona100]

Not sure why I get those "I cant commit" followed by phone calls. Anyway, I am tired and really not up to put up with his bs tonight, I am turning my phone off and hopping in bed. If he calls I bet you 10 bucks I'll get a "I called you last night, why didn't you answer your phone?" .. because I was sleeping and turned my phone off .. (and because I don't want to be waiting for every single of your phone calls )

 

Even though I really like this guy and we had something special, I am really not in shape to run after him, I have other things to do that are more important to my well-being right now. I'd be glad to talk with him, I miss him a lot, but yeah ..

 

As for my job, yes you're right, keep in mind though that for now I need money to live and be independent, I am still looking for something better. I am also looking into relocating to a bigger city (yeah roommate ftw... gotta hate it)

 

Anyway, night!

[Cobra_X30]

You two have something special? If this is the case you wont have to do much running.

 

Cant commit, wont commit, same thing. He will make up his mind at some point, probably just needs to get to know you better. Not so nice that he seems to want to do this on his terms.

 

Short term a second job is not a bad idea. Have you decided what to do? If not what kind of skills/hobbies do you have?

[Arizona100]

I'm looking either in a IT department (support) but hell I am years behind now! I'd go for a customer service or shipping dept kind of field, I like it, I'm smart and good at it.

 

Hobbie? SKills? I speak two languages fluently.. I only need to move to a big city, I saw a few interesting offers. Thats why I need to work, relocate.. etc ...

 

As for this guy, oddly enough he's still around. We'll see. This week end I am gonna be busy anyway. Yeah he wants to have it on his terms, it's easy to say "hey I cant commit" so that if it doesnt work we get a "hey I had told you!". W/e.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, example... If I were looking for a second job I would look at things I have an interest in, and some skill at. Example, one of my reps needed a second job and was very interested in music, so he applied for a job as a choir director at a local church, and added $300 a week to his income for doing something he really really enjoys. That second language you speak, is it one that would be usefull in your area?? If you live in AZ I assume spanish would be a great language to know. ESL teacher...IDK, just lots of opportunities.

 

Hmmm... I spent a year and a half as a sales manager for a shipping company. Wouldnt go back if you put a gun to my head.

 

Well you got it right the first time. Take care of you 1st, good things happen when you least expect.

[Arizona100]

For now I don't have a choice in the kind of second job I 'd like to have. It will come in time. I am saving money in order to relocate to a bigger city, as I said.

 

And no I don't speak Spanish I wish I did lol

[AmorousDelight]

It is obvious he is NOT a player and that he still has some baggage. He saw you; you kids fooled around and he got randy.

 

Then he thought the policy of truth is the best aproach, when in reality, flexibility is the best approach. You know this, you are an empowered woman and can go back to the mechanic and rock his world if you want to.

 

If you like woody boy, empower him with more options that you can introduce. If you don't like him, don't and he'll eventually empower himself later down the line.

 

If it was me in his situation, and I had you in a cabin for myself, and wanted to have sex w/ you, I would create more sexual tension and take advantage of the cabin fever. 1 week would be pretty hard for you. no emotional anything until after the fact. Then I would be open for relationship options. And from the male perspective, the kicker is that I would not feel bad, b/c I would still be true to myself b/c sex is what I wanted! Plus, I know better my options with you b/c I just had sex w/ u!

[Arizona100]

My inexperience in the dating world made me panic for a few days. I'm working my way out of it. He wants me, thats fine, he doesn't, oh well.

It doesn't mean I am not willing to put in the effort, or that I wouldn't care if he was to call it .. it means that I am not willing to overdo it either.

 

The more I get to know him, the more I realize that yes he is the jealous type although he claimed he wasn't. Yes, he likes to be in control and no someone too independent does not suit him. Or maybe I am rendering him that way, I am not sure, not like I have known him for years.

 

I want my story with him to work but if it doesn't, I am already preparing my plan B, which is taking care of me, first.