Author marty Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 would be nice funnyfarm i think, to be honest,, its a very slippery road we're on. and i think you get a firmer grip the further you get. i couldnt even get on my feet 3 weeks ago,, everytime i stood up i fell straight down again. but you get sick of falling on your ass. because one day you realise,, no one is pushin you to fall,,, , she isnt there behind me, shoving me, tripping me,,your falling because your not walking the right way. i'm at the stage now where i've 'put the right shoes on' and learning how to walk again. still hit the occasional icy patch ,, and ur on your ass again,,,, but (and sounds really bad, sorry, but it helps me),, as Rocky said to Mickey in Rocky 2 ( LOL ),,, ' I aint goin down no more' !!!!!!!! sorry about that,, lol,,, but hey,, whatever helps, right? I can actually NOT think about her for quite a while now,,, i feel relatively normal,, the only thing is when she does come in my mind again and i realise she isnt there,,i get a little pain,,, but i can focus much quicker now in dealing with that. and i could probably get on with life now without having to trouble you guys,,, but 1: it still helps me , and 2: if writing down how i'm dealing with this helps just one more person out there, then i'll keep writing. stay in touch krandall, dont do this on your own m8. you can highjack this thread as much as you like.
krandall Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Marty - I could never do this on my own. I had a couple of ok days, and then, now, poof! 4AM here and I feel so rotten inside. You know what this instant put a smile on my face and in my heart - your quote "Big heart, big pain...no heart, no pain. I'll have the big heart please." Marty, I haven't smiled in a few days - you just made me smile. Thank you Marty.
Author marty Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Yeah, i have to admit , the last 3 or 4 days have been better than the usual pain,,,,,, and it really helped turning that corner,,, but,,,, This morning,, wow,, some tears again. out of nowhere.. and i had to fight my way through today. i suppose its normal, just the way your heart and brain are fighting out their differences,, but i was NOT expecting that this morning. But it was more the loniless that caught me off guard. Not her. I miss the companionship,,, more than i do her. I'm ok again now, a days work, a wee talk with my friend, and my brain is winning again. One thing that helps me is to look back at myself,, say,,, 3 weeks ago,, what was i like then?,, not eating much,, not sleeping much,,upset ALOT.!! Now,,i'm eating not too bad,, sleeping better,, not a total mess all day long like i was before. So improvement,, slow,, but its moving forward. If i was in the same state now, as i was then,, i'd be getting a little concerned. We're getting there krandall,, you'll be letting go soon,,like i did,,, trust me. Dont let her stop your life. Dont just exist,,,, live. The best thing you can do is show everyone your strength, that you can get knocked on your ass and get back up again. Its how we deal this this stuff that makes us who we are. Sure sometimes we're not proud of the way we handled things in the past, i'm not,, i cringe when i think of some stuff i've done or said in the past,,,,, but we can learn from it. Many out there dont bother. They stick their head in the sand and blame everyone else apart from them. I'm proud of my broken heart m8 !!!!!! Keep breathin. take care.
niceguy27 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 i feel what youre goin through too. its been 2 days since nc with my girl. we have never gone more than a few days apart the whole year and a half except for vacations, family, etc. i have never felt this lonely before in my life. i feel empty and lost on the inside. i look around the house and lose it. in fact, today i went grocery shopping and almost cried! unbelievable...evrything i do reminds me of her. evrywhere i look i see us and what we have done. i am surprised at myself for these emotions. i knew i loved her, but this has made me really see how much i really just miss HER (read my other post to get the background on us). on the flip side, i have settled into this numb state of mind. i try to keep busy but i tend to catch myself zoning out after a bit. sorry for the rant. it helps to let some of this out to people i dont know.
Author marty Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 havent posted on my thread for a while i've been trying to get on with life day by day,, and by all accounts,, i'm in much better shape now. started working out again, and getting a tan to feel a little more confident about me. (a tan eh,, lol,,, in rainy scotland) anyway, i've just read my whole thread again, ,,,,, wow was i in bad shape!! i can watch the tv now ! its a tv again , i can listen to some music (nothing to remind me of her though), eating well, sleeping well. got my main pc up and running and have been playing online with a few old mates , which is fun. its only really now when i look back i see how really really messed up she was,,,, is. through some of my friends i spoke to her ex husband,, who , btw, is a really nice man. contrary to what i've heard from her in the past. we had a long interesting conversation, i think we both needed to sort out some stuff in our minds. get some real closure (he is now happy with a new partner, so glad for him). to cut a very long story short, she nearly drove him to a break down. this is what she said about him....'never here for me','we never talked about anything','never did anything with me',,,, you get the drift,, this is what he said,, 'i gave up all my hobbies for her', ' she never talked to me, just sat infront of the tv all night' etc. as i've said in an earlier post, we both left our previous partners to be with each other. i broke up with mine after about a week of knowing my feelings (we both felt the same anyway). she didnt leave him for 3 months. he new about me once. she told him she was talking to me and that she fell for me, but she wanted to make her marriage work. which i understood. it then went on for another 2 months or so without him knowing a thing that was going on. she used to cry at tiny little things. (like having to get an eye exam,, or a thunderstorm), but it was like a child crying. many many things were very child like. i could go on here for hours tbh. i did feel a lot of the time that i was more her counsilor than her partner. which is why i felt,,,feel,,,so drained. so here's my question..... how do you cope with trying to find closure when hearing something like this. at first i was angry when i heard about the kinda devious things she had done (you know she even said that she would stay with me if i gave her a baby, and she knew right from the start that i didnt want kids) i'm finding it hard to analyse the failure of the relationship now. i just thought it was mainly down to the fact that she couldnt move here or that she just didnt love me anymore. both of which i can get closure from. should i even bother trying to analyse it i ask myself. i want to learn from this somehow to improve myself for who ever else may come along,, but i cant it down in my head. its not like i'm pining over her anymore. if she came running to me now i would step aside and let her keep runnin. if she is emotionally immature,, or unstable somehow,,, did i do enough?? i was always giving, which in the end made me withdraw from her,, and i knew she needed alot from me... but knowing this,, sometimes i feel like maybe i didnt do enough. she turned all the break up round on to me, making me feel like i didnt,,, but is that her way of not being able to deal with this stuff.. this is just me trying to figure it all out in my own head,, its nice just to write down what your thinkin. as you all know here its maybe why i've been in such a mess over this. i'm not trained to deal with this type of person,,,, i just fell in love with her.
Author marty Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 i've come to the conclusion that it isn't worth trying to figure it all out. i spent too much energy tryin to get over her,, and when i did,,,then i start wasting energy trying to figure out who she is. it really isnt my problem. it really is time to move on,,,,,,,,finally,, and completely ,,,, move on. this will be my last post. i thank you all very much for your advise and care. i hope my thread has helped someone out there going through similar stuff. i just wrote here whatever i was feeling at the time,, i didnt wait , or think things through,, what you've all read here was just me, going through emotional turmoil,, sounding crazy sometimes,,,finding closure,,, not finding closure,, hell one day, fine the next. its all here. like i've said, when i read it back from start to finish its only now i realise how this event in my life really knocked me off my feet. but to all of you just starting to go through it,,,,,,, you WILL survive this,,,,, you WILL be a better person because of it,,,, you WILL move on. i did. god bless you all at loveshack. love marty x x x
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