London Girl Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 My ex had a 3 year relationship, one year where we were FWB. He gave me alot of mixed signals. I lost our baby in March 07 and we both have been in no contact for fours months. I now find out that he is on a dating site. His profiles says that he has long relationships before but that is in the past and he now has no emotional baggage and is looking for a long term relationship so he can have children. How can he move on so quickly? I find it so upsetting that whilst I am still grieving for our failed relationship and the loss our child he seems to be able to move on so quickly like I never existed.
loveinlife Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I understand how you feel. Its like how can they do that. Im not sure either... sucks how that happens. Hope you will get better soon. =)
9Lives Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 My ex had a 3 year relationship, one year where we were FWB. He gave me alot of mixed signals. I lost our baby in March 07 and we both have been in no contact for fours months. I now find out that he is on a dating site. His profiles says that he has long relationships before but that is in the past and he now has no emotional baggage and is looking for a long term relationship so he can have children. How can he move on so quickly? I find it so upsetting that whilst I am still grieving for our failed relationship and the loss our child he seems to be able to move on so quickly like I never existed. I am sorry to see you go thru this. Why did you all stop talking? What was the issue?
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 My ex had a 3 year relationship, one year where we were FWB. He gave me alot of mixed signals. I lost our baby in March 07 and we both have been in no contact for fours months. I now find out that he is on a dating site. His profiles says that he has long relationships before but that is in the past and he now has no emotional baggage and is looking for a long term relationship so he can have children. How can he move on so quickly? I find it so upsetting that whilst I am still grieving for our failed relationship and the loss our child he seems to be able to move on so quickly like I never existed. im not saying that this is whats going on, but some people find it better to mask there pain, rather than deal with it before moving forward. I think that hes trying to pour water over the flame so to speak, but eighther way, this rarly works in the long tem, but whatever, its over and you have to move on with your life.
9Lives Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 My x said the best way to get over someone is to find another. I dont know if that is the case here but that is what he told me. Just know that letting go of someone you love is hard and you should not beat yourself up about it. I know from experience cause I am going thru it now. First time somone has broken my heart. I still love him and I blame myself. I probably should not but I do. I'm not going to lie, It is a long walk, it is tough but YOU CANT MAKE SOMEONE BE WITH YOU IF THEY DONT WANT TO. I would stop checking on him. He know where you are and how to find you. If he wants to contact you...he will. I say leave that up to him cause I dont want you to get hurt if you are still wanting to be with him and he is doing his own thing.
Author London Girl Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 9Lives - to the cut the long story short, I met my ex who was going through a divorce. We did have a good relationship and he was besotted with me. But at 2 years he ended it saying it just does not feel right for him and that he cannot see himself happy with me in the long run. We then ended being FWB for one year as he could not let me go either. Then I got pregnant and lost the baby. He was clearly upset even though it was not planned and he took care of me when I came out of hospital, telling people he wants to give our relationship another go as when something is good you should grab it with both hands. He said I ticked all the right boxes. Anyway the following week he was distant and said that there is no chemistry between us and that he cannot see us having a future. Since then we both went into no contact and it's been four months now. Now at 4 months he is on a dating site looking for commitment and to have children which is really upsetting for me. I thought he ended it with me so he can "play the field".
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Hard as this sounds London Girl, I think you have to accept that it's really over now. Gradually as time has gone on, he's downgraded you in his life, you went from partner to FWB, then from that to this because of how HE feels about you (or not as the case would seem). You have to accept that he doesn't feel the same way now. It doesn't detract from how he DID feel when you guys were together, but that was then and this is now. He's able to move on because he has to. He knows inside him it wasn't right for him, so he let you go. He knows it would hurt you and he's done the right thing maintaining NC. The reason he's moved on so quickly is because he's processed all this way before you did. When someone ends a relationship, they have usually processed everything, all their pain and upset waaaay before the relationship ends. You have only just begun to deal with it at that point. You have to realise he's moving on because he's way ahead of you in the 'getting over it' process. Sometimes, that's how it works out. For what it's worth, I think he's to be commended for maintaining NC as that's the least painful way that you will eventually get over things. Harsh as NC is at times, it is actually the best way for someone to heal. If you guys had done that at the time of the original split instead of the FWB thing, you might not be hurting so much now. I know this because the same thing happened to me 2 years ago. I remained friends with my ex of 10 years because he found it hard to let go. I wasn't through it by any stretch of the imagination... but when he found someone else and moved on, it tore me apart. As for what your ex has written on a dating site... um, I wouldn't really pay attention to what is written there. I've been on one or two dating sites and most profiles (men and women) are rarely truthful about either who they are or what they're looking for. How many women are going to respond to a guy who is 'playing the field'...? Answer: not many. Or not many of the women that he wants - he wants intimacy and he knows women are afraid of being hurt. So it's unlikely that he's going to telling them he's looking to play the field.
Author London Girl Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Thanks for your advice Chinook. Looking back now I wish I could have been more stronger and started no contact when my ex first finished with me but he gave me so many mixed signals that I found it hard to. He took and paid for me to theatres, dinner and still invited me to his family events even though he had split up with me and acted lovey dovey with me infront of his family and in private. I just thought perhaps he was just confused and needed some breathing space. Th pain really hurts but I am slowly coming to terms that we will not be together again. I went to see a clairvoyant the other day and she said that next month I will hear good news and I will be in a relationship where I have to choose between two guys. First guy name beginning with M and the second S. My ex's first name begins with a M! But I'm quite cynical so will not read too much into this. Are you feeling better yourself Chinook?
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I have to say, I like clairvoyants! Even if they don't get things right, the speculation certainly makes things a lot more interesting in life! I'm glad you're coming to terms with the fact that you guys won't be together again. It's hard I know... but it is also how it is too. As for me, well... it's very strange. It's probably a bit long-winded too... but yes, regarding the relationship, I've probably reached a point where I realised that he was bad for me, the relationship was over way before he ended things and basically that I could do better. The problem is, in being in this relationship, it's forced me to look at who I am and the choices I make. Over the last 4 years I've made some disasterous choices. Partly because of inexperience with relationships and partly because I can be painfully naive and trusting. I've learned a lot in the last four years and this current relationship disaster has brought me to the point of asking myself what the hell I think I'm doing (amongst a hundred other things in life). So yes, with regard to the relationship, I'm kinda numb to it now...but with everything else, I'm feeling pretty sad. I've been through a lot in life - some of it has been my fault and some of it hasn't. My biggest problem now is working out how to deal with things rather than running away (which is what I'd usually do) and hopefully that will help me avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. I thought this relationship was different, but the cold harsh fact is, it wasn't - I knew from the start he wasn't good for me but I went ahead and gave him a chance anyhow. I have to work out what makes me do that and how I can stop it happening again....because this last time, it happened almost without me realising it.
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I have to say, I like clairvoyants! Even if they don't get things right, the speculation certainly makes things a lot more interesting in life! I'm glad you're coming to terms with the fact that you guys won't be together again. It's hard I know... but it is also how it is too. As for me, well... it's very strange. It's probably a bit long-winded too... but yes, regarding the relationship, I've probably reached a point where I realised that he was bad for me, the relationship was over way before he ended things and basically that I could do better. The problem is, in being in this relationship, it's forced me to look at who I am and the choices I make. Over the last 4 years I've made some disasterous choices. Partly because of inexperience with relationships and partly because I can be painfully naive and trusting. I've learned a lot in the last four years and this current relationship disaster has brought me to the point of asking myself what the hell I think I'm doing (amongst a hundred other things in life). So yes, with regard to the relationship, I'm kinda numb to it now...but with everything else, I'm feeling pretty sad. I've been through a lot in life - some of it has been my fault and some of it hasn't. My biggest problem now is working out how to deal with things rather than running away (which is what I'd usually do) and hopefully that will help me avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. I thought this relationship was different, but the cold harsh fact is, it wasn't - I knew from the start he wasn't good for me but I went ahead and gave him a chance anyhow. I have to work out what makes me do that and how I can stop it happening again....because this last time, it happened almost without me realising it. Try and remember the best parts of the relationship rather than the bad, this will give the relationship validation, and help you feel better about it, and you. It is also making you take a look at yourself, and maybe this is just what this relationship was all about, to learn from, and sometimes it takes a huge heartbreak to make us look at ourselves. You may find that this heartbreak has tapped into something from your past, and its replaying now?? If so, you gotta go back and find where that happened, face your demons. Get rid of that destructive baggage. Maybe im right off the mark too!!
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Try and remember the best parts of the relationship rather than the bad, this will give the relationship validation, and help you feel better about it, and you. It is also making you take a look at yourself, and maybe this is just what this relationship was all about, to learn from, and sometimes it takes a huge heartbreak to make us look at ourselves. You may find that this heartbreak has tapped into something from your past, and its replaying now?? If so, you gotta go back and find where that happened, face your demons. Get rid of that destructive baggage. Maybe im right off the mark too!! You know, try as I might, I can't recall any specific things about the relationship. I think my brain has shut it down. I can't even recall his face clearly. So I'm kinda going on the idea that's not a bad thing. For what it's worth, my life is no different now than it was before I met him, so it's almost like the intervening period didn't really happen. Some days a lot of it seems very unreal now. As for looking at what it is which is the problem, I already know what it is. I just don't really know how to articulate it. Basically, when I was diagnosed with cancer, it pushed me so far outside of life I became very introverted. I stopped talking. My partner continued to work even though his company had given him 6 months paid leave to take care of me. So I dealt with the cancer alone. There was one single day where I asked him to stay home because I was feeling so sick, I'd lost my hair and I was vomiting with the drugs and he refused because he had important things to do at work. We'd agreed to 'keep things normal' you see. In keeping things 'normal' in what was the most abnormal situation of our lives, we pushed each other away. I felt I couldn't ask him to stay home after that, I felt I couldn't talk to him because I knew how worried he was. But also, he felt he couldn't talk to me and tell me how scared of losing me he was, so going to work and avoiding it helped to 'keep things normal' and he didn't have to be faced with the fear. Eventually, it built resentment in me and it pushed us further and further apart. From the moment of being told I had an aggressive cancer right up until now, I've done everything alone. I've never asked for help and I've never reached out, for fear of rejection. The problem that faces you with is it makes you bury who you really are, you bury the emotions you feel so deeply so that eventually you can't feel anything. The only way to feel anything is with the emotional rollercoaster.... the extremely wonderful highs and the painfully abysmal lows. It's only within those peaks and troughs does any feeling hit home. I knew this last relationship was a bad place to go. I knew it from the start. I don't know why I knew it. But I was in the place of 'what the hell, why not' because I really believed I couldn't feel anything. I don't need a counsellor to tell me that the way I dealt with stuff is what's at the bottom of everything. I don't need a counsellor to tell me that it's the running away from that which is a factor in making the wrong choices for myself. Thing is...when you're faced with that path with the fork in the road, and you've walked to the brink of death like I have, there is very little which stops you from saying 'why not?' and it's that which I have to address. It's almost like I'm still living with the idea that tomorrow isn't coming so it doesn't matter what I do today...when in reality, I'm still here and what I do today is actually having repercussions for tomorrow.
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Your partner should have been with you for every day of your illness. You cant keep thimgs normal, you needed him by your side. He should have insisted to be there, but he took the easy rought, and stayed at work. That must have been a big let down deep inside, and may have made you feel unloved, when you needed that most. C i know what your saying about emotions, but you have displayed some of the most heart felt honest post on this board, so i find it hard to belive that your not feeling this loss. You seem to have given it everything, he let you down, you never him. You may just be a little numb to it all at the moment, or just moved on faster than you thought you would. Today, i miss my ex and her kids more than ever, to the point where i close my eyes and see her lovely blue eyes and red hair, and i can hear her childrens voices clear as anything, but i have accepted that shes not mine anymore, never was. She still belongs to her husband, not the new boy. I hope she comes back in my life, and if she does, i will look aftre her, even as a freind, cos at the end of the day, shes lost in this mad world, and im starting to find my direction again. You have to as well. We seem similar in our ways relationships and brek-ups, and i think you need to find yourself again, like me, b4 you can give yourself. The guy im seeing has identifeied that i have a problem with accepting love, in other words i like to give it, but dont feel i should take it. Tammy tried but in a way that was not deep enough for me to see it, but she took my love, and so did her children, and they loved it too. On reflection, i have nothing bad to say about her now, (apart from being a nut case!!!) only joking! no she just was'nt ready to commit as your guy was'nt, and we just wanted the real deal.
Author London Girl Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Thanks for your replies everyone. I have found this site really useful - it so sad to hear that so many others are going through so much happiness caused by our exes. I guess what does not kill us will make us stronger individuals. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason and we are going through so much pain now because life will get better later. I know I need to remain optmistic and positive about the future. Sometimes I feel strong and confident again but then other times I slip back to a depressive mood. So many what ifs and things that can be made better but I've come to the acceptance that I cannot get my ex to admit that he has flaws and be reasonable and want me if he does not want to. I need to let him go. I know I did my best and I was good to him. He once said that no girl has loved and cared for him (not even his ex wife!) like I do. Chinook, I'm sorry to hear the pain and upset you went through with the cancer and that you had to deal with it alone. I find some men (mine was like that) cannot deal with difficult stressful situations and would rather walk away than communicate and support you. You have been very brave and I hope you are proud of yourself. I do hope things will work out for you in the future - things surely cannot get worse than they already are. I keep saying to myself that we are given challenges to overcome to make us stronger and good things will come to those who wait.
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Chinook, I'm sorry to hear the pain and upset you went through with the cancer and that you had to deal with it alone. I find some men (mine was like that) cannot deal with difficult stressful situations and would rather walk away than communicate and support you. You have been very brave and I hope you are proud of yourself. I do hope things will work out for you in the future - things surely cannot get worse than they already are. I keep saying to myself that we are given challenges to overcome to make us stronger and good things will come to those who wait.You know, it's funny... people often tell me how strong I've been or how brave I am or how they admired how I coped etc. But it makes me feel like a fraud really because what choice did I really have...? I didn't really have any choice in it. I had to do what I had to do to get through it. I had the treatment and yes, I got through all of it alone because my partner couldn't face it. I can't fault him for that, that's not his fault - I mean for goodness sake, neither of us expected to face that at 32. How do you really prepare for and deal with something like that...? But the thing was, it was happening to me and not him. I dare say I would have been different if it had been the other way around, but who can say for sure...? The truth is, until it actually happens to us as individuals, no one can say how they would or should deal with it. I don't hold it against my ex-partner for the way he coped. There was only ever going to be something huge like cancer which split us apart. The problem it's left me with is huge unresolved issues in how to deal with other 'lesser' problems in life. If that makes sense. Like you say, things surely cannot get worse, I tell myself each day that things must surely get better. In fact, I believe that so much that I had a YinYang symbol tattooed on my wrist; there has to be balance in life you see.
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 London Girl, the fact is - no matter what we've all gone through, everything is relative and everything we see and feel is a part of our own individual lives. It will test us and make us happy, sad and maybe numb too. But at the end of the day, as you say... we will come through it all. Some days, like the title of your thread, are a little harder than others. Other days, are not so hard.
funkybassplayer Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 You know, it's funny... people often tell me how strong I've been or how brave I am or how they admired how I coped etc. But it makes me feel like a fraud really because what choice did I really have...? I didn't really have any choice in it. I had to do what I had to do to get through it. I had the treatment and yes, I got through all of it alone because my partner couldn't face it. I can't fault him for that, that's not his fault - I mean for goodness sake, neither of us expected to face that at 32. How do you really prepare for and deal with something like that...? But the thing was, it was happening to me and not him. I dare say I would have been different if it had been the other way around, but who can say for sure...? The truth is, until it actually happens to us as individuals, no one can say how they would or should deal with it. I don't hold it against my ex-partner for the way he coped. There was only ever going to be something huge like cancer which split us apart. The problem it's left me with is huge unresolved issues in how to deal with other 'lesser' problems in life. If that makes sense. Like you say, things surely cannot get worse, I tell myself each day that things must surely get better. In fact, I believe that so much that I had a YinYang symbol tattooed on my wrist; there has to be balance in life you see. C remember what i just said about me not being able to accept love and praise? maybe ring a bell with you? Take i you deserve it. Yes you had no choice, but you did it, you made it though. Thats amazing, your amazing. x
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