What I've learned from my first breakup. A message for the hearbroken.

[asdfTT123]

I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years last Saturday (July 28th). I want to take this opportunity to share everything I've learned from the experience, which not only helps myself to share my findings, but hopefully help those who've gone through similar events. We're not alone out there.

 

Background information:

As I mentioned, I've dated this girl for about two years. The relationship started October of my freshman year in college, so basically from the beginning. As you can see, we didn't have much of an opportunity to be friends before jumping into the dating business, and we were both completely new at it. When we started, we became close very quickly and we ended up spending almost all of our nights and weekends together. During our experiences together, we had nothing short of an amazing time and a huge collection of cute and memorable moments that we'll probably never forget. It wasn't until around late July last summer that we broke up temporarily for reasons I'll get to soon, but we ended up getting back together in November. Basically our sophomore year relationship was the same as freshman year with slight variations, and we were attached at the hip yet again.

 

During the summer, I had to come back to TX for my summer internship and she stayed in Maryland to volunteer, tutor, and prepare for medical school admissions. This is when problems started to arise. Because we weren't together physically, we weren't feeling the same closeness and we started experiencing communication problems. It wasn't until now that we discovered we had fundamental differences in personality, expectations, goals, and beliefs. Our nightly phone calls turned into weekly events and we felt more distant from each other. At times, she drove me nuts when she didn't listen to what I had to say and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I predicted a break-up within the next few months. She called me last Saturday night and we ended up breaking it up. She also made it clear that we would not get back together when school started and that we should experience the rest of college apart.

 

Where I am now:

It's been about five days since our break-up and I'm trying to take it in the most positive way that I can. You may argue that I've experienced this before last summer, but this break-up feels different in a sense that I know it's completely over between us. I'm dealing with this situation on my own because all of my friends are in Maryland and Pennsylvania and since my parents just moved here a year and a half ago I don't have any friends. On top of that, I don't consider myself to be close with my parents because we don't see eye to eye on most issues. I'm working a lot at the hospital and I'm involved in two research projects to pass the time. My days have their ups and downs that occur randomly and I don't have much control over which way they side.

 

What I've learned:

It's only been a matter of days following our break-up, but I've had lots of time on my own to think about things. I've also been able to bring insight from my experiences last summer and from bits I've learned while reading through forums or talking to friends online. Some of these will be obvious but I hope it's still encouraging to you.

 

1) Appreciate the good times but don't let those memories linger and bring you down. Directly after the break-up, take the time to mourn and think about all of the wonderful and cute moments that the relationship has brought for you. Think of everything you’ve learned from each other and remember that these experiences will be with you forever. For me, it’s like recapping after finishing an amazing novel or a movie, or even if it’s far from good, surely there were good times about being with this person, or else the relationship would have never lasted. Write things down if it will help you organize your ideas. It’s very important, however, that after you take time to reflect, you have to move on. After summarizing the experience you realize you’re no longer with this person, but greater and better things await you.

 

2) Think about the bad aspects of the relationship and why it ended. These things keep you in touch with reality. After the bittersweet moment of reminiscing back to the good times, you have to give yourself a reality check. There were reasons why everything ended, and make sure you reiterate these things to yourself periodically. Think of the flaws in your ex and those things that you’ve wanted from her but he/she never gave you. For me, reflecting on these things help channel away the sadness and at times, when I have the urge to get back with my ex, it helps me clear myself of those false feelings.

 

3) A partner isn't worthy of being your partner unless he/she appreciates you as a whole and absolutely wants you. You have a lot to offer to someone and it's a waste if you give yourself away to someone who can't even fully appreciate you. It’s important to know especially at times when you’re feeling unworthy. I repeat this in my head over and over at times when I feel depressed because I know I have an intelligent mind, a caring soul, and much more to offer to someone who will appreciate me fully. If the relationship ended, chances are there were some compatibility issues between you two and it’s clear that he/she is not the right person for you. There’s someone out there who will make you happier. Your future partner will be very happy because you have a lot to offer.

 

4) You have more freedom and time to do things you've wanted while not having to subconsciously think about him/her. If you were close to your ex, chances are that you thought about him/her before making decisions in your daily life. You might not realize it consciously, but your partner hinders your judgment and personal choices daily. Now you can guiltlessly treat yourself to a guy/girl night out. Take the time to learn something new that’s both daunting and time consuming without worrying about allotting time for another person. If you like personal space, here’s your chance to fully appreciate it. Doing these things will not only take your mind off of your ex, but it will open yourself up to a whole new realm of experiences that you couldn’t fully appreciate before.

 

5) Take the relationship as a learning experience. Learn more about yourself through reflection. If you’ve been confused in the past, this is the best time to discover yourself and lay down your expectations for future partners. Knowing what you want is your first step to getting it. You’ll be much happier once you find someone who can meet all of your expectations. For myself, I like to go running or take walks after work to give myself time to take in the fresh air, unwind, and thoroughly think about all of these things. It’s amazing how much clearly you can think when you don’t have another person in your subconscious.

 

6) Learn to be independent. This is crucial to survival and being able to function in the real world, which is why I believe it deserves it's own point. We have to accept that we can’t always be in our bubble of warmth with our loved ones at all times. Although nobody wants to be lonely, it’s important to know that the only person you can truly count on regardless of anything is YOU. As soon as you get this in your head you’ll become more headstrong, confident, and driven. I can also say that confidence and self-security are attractive qualities and will make you successful in all aspects of your life.

 

7) In the future, think back about yourself and compare it to how you are now. You'll be surprised by how much you've matured. It's a lesson of life that the vast majority of us will have to go through whether we like it or not. Again, reflect back to the good and bad times of the relationship and the break-up and how much you’ve learned and matured from those experiences. In this stage it’s really ironic how people may think break-ups can be one of their best experiences. As they say, what can’t kill you can only make you stronger.

 

Still sad? Think of it this way. If you’re still lingering on all the good times you’ve had with your ex, know that you’ll be making a lot of wonderful memories with a future partner that will make you even happier...when you’re ready again, of course. I think of all the wonderful things my ex had to offer me. She was cute, funny, intelligent, logical, calm, and a comforting person to be with. However, there were fundamental differences that set us apart. I think of the complete package of all the things she had to offer but I’ll also think forward to all of the unique and better packages that I’ll get from my future partners. Maybe I won’t get all of the same things from them, but I’ll get a whole set of unique traits that my ex doesn't have and I’ll appreciate them even more. Diversity is one of the world's many beauties. It’s sometimes difficult for me to think this now, especially since I’ve been so content with my ex, but better and more exotic traits will come my way. Of course, I will feel a lot happier once I find someone who will appreciate everything I have to offer her as well. It’s almost like exchanging presents on Christmas day.

 

 

That's pretty much everything I have at the moment. If I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to post as they come up. Please, if you have anything to contribute in terms of general comments, suggestions, things you’ve learned from your own break-ups, or if you just want to mourn, please post! This topic has given me to opportunity to organize my thoughts and to share them with you and I hope it can help the fellow heartbroken. Since I’m all alone for the next month without friends, I’d appreciate any messages/questions you have!

 

I wish nothing but the best for everyone!

[asdfTT123]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to take this opportunity to recap all of my points and give a take on the entire situation. I feel this is an EXTREMELY important lesson to take from break-ups, other tough life lessons, and life in general. Here we go...

 

After spending a decent amount of time during the past two weeks analyzing everything, I've realized how important it is when it comes to how you perceive the break-up. The absolute bottom line is to remember to take the situation in the most positive and optimistic way as you possibly can.

 

It may seem obvious, but it's more important than a lot of people may know. I'm a firm believer that a break-up can be one of the best opportunities for an individual to experience personal growth, but whether or not that happens is completely up to you. It's your choice if you ultimately want to wallow in your sadness, but if you choose to overcome this episode, you can successfully look back on yourself and notice how dramatically you've strengthened and matured. Overcoming a tough event such as a break-up, or anything life-altering will make you more confident, secure, happy, optimistic, independent, open-minded, etc... The list goes on.

 

On the other hand, some people never allow themselves the opportunity to heal. I admit, it's easy and effortless to continually crush yourself with the sadness and fear, but nothing good will ever come of it. People who never allow themselves to heal become cold-hearted, insecure, unhappy, pessimistic, etc... You also will run the risk of closing yourself off to other people.

 

Do you really want to stay in that dreaded stage forever? I imagine nobody would want to, but it's YOU who needs to take the initiative to get back on your feet. Although I admit it can be hard, depending on the situation, but there's no excuse for any human to ever admit defeat to a personal challenge. Take the time and whatever you need to recover. Hold your head up high through it all. This stage in your life will draw to an end eventually and you will become a better person.

 

I realized this while I was thinking back to the smaller break-up I experienced last summer. As a personal anecdote, I can safely say that it transformed me into a more secure, confident, optimistic, and happier person. It's an amazing feeling when I can go out and do something without a care in the world, or not giving a crap about what other people think of me. I just concentrated on what made me happy and made the best of what I had. I realize now that this break-up could be another blessing. =)

 

This is all something that people may know to some extent, but in dire times like these, it's easily forgotten. Think about it...you're actually being offered one of the few chances to walk through the gateway to personal growth. Try to make the best of the situation and embrace what the future has to offer. It WILL make a world of difference.

 

I wish you all the best!

[Gunny376]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to take this opportunity to recap all of my points and give a take on the entire situation. I feel this is an EXTREMELY important lesson to take from break-ups, other tough life lessons, and life in general. Here we go...

 

After spending a decent amount of time during the past two weeks analyzing everything, I've realized how important it is when it comes to how you perceive the break-up. The absolute bottom line is to remember to take the situation in the most positive and optimistic way as you possibly can.

 

It may seem obvious, but it's more important than a lot of people may know. I'm a firm believer that a break-up can be one of the best opportunities for an individual to experience personal growth, but whether or not that happens is completely up to you. It's your choice if you ultimately want to wallow in your sadness, but if you choose to overcome this episode, you can successfully look back on yourself and notice how dramatically you've strengthened and matured. Overcoming a tough event such as a break-up, or anything life-altering will make you more confident, secure, happy, optimistic, independent, open-minded, etc... The list goes on.

 

On the other hand, some people never allow themselves the opportunity to heal. I admit, it's easy and effortless to continually crush yourself with the sadness and fear, but nothing good will ever come of it. People who never allow themselves to heal become cold-hearted, insecure, unhappy, pessimistic, etc... You also will run the risk of closing yourself off to other people.

 

Do you really want to stay in that dreaded stage forever? I imagine nobody would want to, but it's YOU who needs to take the initiative to get back on your feet. Although I admit it can be hard, depending on the situation, but there's no excuse for any human to ever admit defeat to a personal challenge. Take the time and whatever you need to recover. Hold your head up high through it all. This stage in your life will draw to an end eventually and you will become a better person.

 

I realized this while I was thinking back to the smaller break-up I experienced last summer. As a personal anecdote, I can safely say that it transformed me into a more secure, confident, optimistic, and happier person. It's an amazing feeling when I can go out and do something without a care in the world, or not giving a crap about what other people think of me. I just concentrated on what made me happy and made the best of what I had. I realize now that this break-up could be another blessing. =)

 

This is all something that people may know to some extent, but in dire times like these, it's easily forgotten. Think about it...you're actually being offered one of the few chances to walk through the gateway to personal growth. Try to make the best of the situation and embrace what the future has to offer. It WILL make a world of difference.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

I hope that your're very, very young and realizing all these truths early on!

 

Ooooooraaaha!

 

Ooooooraaahhha!

[Gunny376]

I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years last Saturday (July 28th). I want to take this opportunity to share everything I've learned from the experience, which not only helps myself to share my findings, but hopefully help those who've gone through similar events. We're not alone out there.

 

Background information:

As I mentioned, I've dated this girl for about two years. The relationship started October of my freshman year in college, so basically from the beginning. As you can see, we didn't have much of an opportunity to be friends before jumping into the dating business, and we were both completely new at it. When we started, we became close very quickly and we ended up spending almost all of our nights and weekends together. During our experiences together, we had nothing short of an amazing time and a huge collection of cute and memorable moments that we'll probably never forget. It wasn't until around late July last summer that we broke up temporarily for reasons I'll get to soon, but we ended up getting back together in November. Basically our sophomore year relationship was the same as freshman year with slight variations, and we were attached at the hip yet again.

 

During the summer, I had to come back to TX for my summer internship and she stayed in Maryland to volunteer, tutor, and prepare for medical school admissions. This is when problems started to arise. Because we weren't together physically, we weren't feeling the same closeness and we started experiencing communication problems. It wasn't until now that we discovered we had fundamental differences in personality, expectations, goals, and beliefs. Our nightly phone calls turned into weekly events and we felt more distant from each other. At times, she drove me nuts when she didn't listen to what I had to say and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I predicted a break-up within the next few months. She called me last Saturday night and we ended up breaking it up. She also made it clear that we would not get back together when school started and that we should experience the rest of college apart.

 

Where I am now:

It's been about five days since our break-up and I'm trying to take it in the most positive way that I can. You may argue that I've experienced this before last summer, but this break-up feels different in a sense that I know it's completely over between us. I'm dealing with this situation on my own because all of my friends are in Maryland and Pennsylvania and since my parents just moved here a year and a half ago I don't have any friends. On top of that, I don't consider myself to be close with my parents because we don't see eye to eye on most issues. I'm working a lot at the hospital and I'm involved in two research projects to pass the time. My days have their ups and downs that occur randomly and I don't have much control over which way they side.

 

What I've learned:

It's only been a matter of days following our break-up, but I've had lots of time on my own to think about things. I've also been able to bring insight from my experiences last summer and from bits I've learned while reading through forums or talking to friends online. Some of these will be obvious but I hope it's still encouraging to you.

 

1) Appreciate the good times but don't let those memories linger and bring you down. Directly after the break-up, take the time to mourn and think about all of the wonderful and cute moments that the relationship has brought for you. Think of everything you’ve learned from each other and remember that these experiences will be with you forever. For me, it’s like recapping after finishing an amazing novel or a movie, or even if it’s far from good, surely there were good times about being with this person, or else the relationship would have never lasted. Write things down if it will help you organize your ideas. It’s very important, however, that after you take time to reflect, you have to move on. After summarizing the experience you realize you’re no longer with this person, but greater and better things await you.

 

2) Think about the bad aspects of the relationship and why it ended. These things keep you in touch with reality. After the bittersweet moment of reminiscing back to the good times, you have to give yourself a reality check. There were reasons why everything ended, and make sure you reiterate these things to yourself periodically. Think of the flaws in your ex and those things that you’ve wanted from her but he/she never gave you. For me, reflecting on these things help channel away the sadness and at times, when I have the urge to get back with my ex, it helps me clear myself of those false feelings.

 

3) A partner isn't worthy of being your partner unless he/she appreciates you as a whole and absolutely wants you. You have a lot to offer to someone and it's a waste if you give yourself away to someone who can't even fully appreciate you. It’s important to know especially at times when you’re feeling unworthy. I repeat this in my head over and over at times when I feel depressed because I know I have an intelligent mind, a caring soul, and much more to offer to someone who will appreciate me fully. If the relationship ended, chances are there were some compatibility issues between you two and it’s clear that he/she is not the right person for you. There’s someone out there who will make you happier. Your future partner will be very happy because you have a lot to offer.

 

4) You have more freedom and time to do things you've wanted while not having to subconsciously think about him/her. If you were close to your ex, chances are that you thought about him/her before making decisions in your daily life. You might not realize it consciously, but your partner hinders your judgment and personal choices daily. Now you can guiltlessly treat yourself to a guy/girl night out. Take the time to learn something new that’s both daunting and time consuming without worrying about allotting time for another person. If you like personal space, here’s your chance to fully appreciate it. Doing these things will not only take your mind off of your ex, but it will open yourself up to a whole new realm of experiences that you couldn’t fully appreciate before.

 

5) Take the relationship as a learning experience. Learn more about yourself through reflection. If you’ve been confused in the past, this is the best time to discover yourself and lay down your expectations for future partners. Knowing what you want is your first step to getting it. You’ll be much happier once you find someone who can meet all of your expectations. For myself, I like to go running or take walks after work to give myself time to take in the fresh air, unwind, and thoroughly think about all of these things. It’s amazing how much clearly you can think when you don’t have another person in your subconscious.

 

6) Learn to be independent. This is crucial to survival and being able to function in the real world, which is why I believe it deserves it's own point. We have to accept that we can’t always be in our bubble of warmth with our loved ones at all times. Although nobody wants to be lonely, it’s important to know that the only person you can truly count on regardless of anything is YOU. As soon as you get this in your head you’ll become more headstrong, confident, and driven. I can also say that confidence and self-security are attractive qualities and will make you successful in all aspects of your life.

 

7) In the future, think back about yourself and compare it to how you are now. You'll be surprised by how much you've matured. It's a lesson of life that the vast majority of us will have to go through whether we like it or not. Again, reflect back to the good and bad times of the relationship and the break-up and how much you’ve learned and matured from those experiences. In this stage it’s really ironic how people may think break-ups can be one of their best experiences. As they say, what can’t kill you can only make you stronger.

 

Still sad? Think of it this way. If you’re still lingering on all the good times you’ve had with your ex, know that you’ll be making a lot of wonderful memories with a future partner that will make you even happier...when you’re ready again, of course. I think of all the wonderful things my ex had to offer me. She was cute, funny, intelligent, logical, calm, and a comforting person to be with. However, there were fundamental differences that set us apart. I think of the complete package of all the things she had to offer but I’ll also think forward to all of the unique and better packages that I’ll get from my future partners. Maybe I won’t get all of the same things from them, but I’ll get a whole set of unique traits that my ex doesn't have and I’ll appreciate them even more. Diversity is one of the world's many beauties. It’s sometimes difficult for me to think this now, especially since I’ve been so content with my ex, but better and more exotic traits will come my way. Of course, I will feel a lot happier once I find someone who will appreciate everything I have to offer her as well. It’s almost like exchanging presents on Christmas day.

 

 

That's pretty much everything I have at the moment. If I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to post as they come up. Please, if you have anything to contribute in terms of general comments, suggestions, things you’ve learned from your own break-ups, or if you just want to mourn, please post! This topic has given me to opportunity to organize my thoughts and to share them with you and I hope it can help the fellow heartbroken. Since I’m all alone for the next month without friends, I’d appreciate any messages/questions you have!

 

I wish nothing but the best for everyone!

 

 

Most outstanding and excellent post! Well said! Well said indeed!

 

Here, here!