Heartache11 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Well, I'm back. Same guy. For a short catch up, we've dated 3 years on and off, with some pretty rough break-ups. I'm 20, he's 23. From where I left off, against everyone's suggestions he picked me up from college and we hooked up. We've been hanging out and having a pretty good time together since. He won't officially say I'm his girlfriend, but he'll call me that to people. All was going well until he got mad the other morning at something else and took it out on me. I got upset and somehow this led to me being too attached and not giving him space. I tried to talk about the problem but he ignored it and we went out that night. We hung out again last night and had a good time. Well today I sent him texts and he didn't respond to one and I got upset so I text him back saying "do you even want to be with me?" He immediately called, cursed me off, and ignored any call I made since. We talked online where he basically said I'm too attached, we are just a cycle, and he cares about me but he can't deal with the $hit. He told me to leave him alone and I was very upset so I kept going on. Eventually, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me and he'd call me later. So I've been good and not contacted him. The only reason I get so upset with him is because he shows hardly any affection and with all the damage he has done in the past, I'm afraid he doesn't want me. I'll have to ask for a kiss and then he'll say "What, is this like my job?" and our sex life isn't great. My attachment is due to our past and I'm scared I will lose him again. But he seems to use me to his advantage and then hurts me in return. This probably makes no sense but I am so upset and worried he's going to end it. Help!
Author Heartache11 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Well, he ended it. I am so upset. I don't know how to live life without him :-(
spookie Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Well, he ended it. I am so upset. I don't know how to live life without him :-( You're going to have to learn. I went through very similar things with my ex. We were together on/off for three years, and every couple of months, whenever something came up that made me even a tiny bit emotional (like him repeatedly blowing me of, for example), he would tell me I was needy, dramatic, dependent, and he couldn't handle how unhappy I was always making him. I would have done anything him, I loved him so much, and I think he knew it, but it didn't matter. If anything, it just fed his ego while simultaneously making him feel guilty. He would leave, come back, leave... dozens of times. I felt crazy because when everything was going ok, I felt he cared, but it was so hard to predict where not to step so everything wouldn't shatter. It wasn't until I completely cut him out that I felt better. That was hard to do, at first, because I had so many doubts that about whether it was my only option. I kept imaging some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I tired and failed many times at NC before reaching a point where I really didn't want to speak to him, becuase i was so humiliated, at that point, from being taken for a fool. I'm not sure how to help you reach the point where you can accept it's over, but you will. Maybe you can help yourself by beleving you deserve more. You deserve someone who will want to be with you. Someone who cares about the outcome of your relationship. It's easy to make excuses for him, I know: you can keep telling yourself he'll come around as soon you become less needy, or more interesting, or thinner, or as soon as he "matures". But think about it: your ex is a jerk and you still want him around - because you love him. If he loved you, he'd be with you, and you deserve to be loved. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him love you. So the best thing you can, for yourself, is to cut your losses and move on. Plan for the future - MAKE yourself see a happy one without him in it, and then work to get there. Before you know it'l you'll have moved on.
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 It's easy to make excuses for him, I know: you can keep telling yourself he'll come around as soon you become less needy, or more interesting, or thinner, or as soon as he "matures". You know... I have a theory about these guys. This is exactly what my guy did to me and he told me that's what his previous ex was like before me (high maintenance). My theory is, they create this environment where we fall in love with this truly wonderful guy. They let us see who we really believe they are. We believe that they are showing us who they really want to be and we so want that person, we want to share our lives with them. Who in their right mind wouldn't...?! That's the hook. Once you're hooked.... there's no going back. See it's not enough for this guy that you have 'feelings' for him, you have to let your guard down, you have to let him in and you have to show evidence that you are emotionally attached to him. The relentless schmoozing (bear with me) doesn't stop until you're in that place. So you're in that place and he becomes all schmoozed out. He's achieved what he wanted, no matter how long it took - whether it took a week or 10 years. Suddenly he starts to withdraw. Maybe at first you won't even notice it. But eventually HE creates a situation of DISTANCE where your instincts start telling you SOMETHING IS WRONG. So he pulls back, you move closer, he pulls further back, you move closer still. It's a dance which HE started. See, you're in the situation where, HE stopped feeling the emotional high. So HE needs to create a situation where he FEELS the emotional high again. The best way to do that is to create some drama - to pull you closer. Most ladies I know would be happy as a hog in sh*t if it weren't for this situation which more often than not, is caused by a boyfriend creating distance. See, it's my theory that it's actually THE GUY who is high maintenance, not the lady. That's my experience anyhow. As for you Ms Heartache11, he's just going to do this to you again and again and again. You have to ask yourself, how many times are you going to let him do this to you...? Also, just because you love someone doesn't mean you want them to wreck your life.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 Thank you chinook and spookie. Everything you are both saying is so true and in a way, I knew it all along. It's like an addiction I can't break. I see it's better that we aren't together but at the same time, I feel the need to be with him. I don't want him with the way he is treating me, but yet, I'm sitting here begging for him back. I can't stop, when I know I can, but I won't do it for some reason. It's sickening. I'm a great girl and I know it. He brought my self esteem and self worth down so much. Even his mom has told me to leave him. Buy why won't I?
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I can't stop, when I know I can, but I won't do it for some reason. It's sickening. I'm a great girl and I know it. He brought my self esteem and self worth down so much. Even his mom has told me to leave him. Buy why won't I?Gosh honey, this made me so sad. I know how it feels. Even now, 6 weeks post-breakup I know that if my guy begged me to take him back, I would do so. It's because you do love him and you trusted him. But to pull you back into reality, the person you fell in love with is not the person he is. You see this. You see how he isn't good for you. I started off very slowly and I was very fragile with it. I wrote him a mail explaining why I couldn't be friends with him. I explained why I had to cut contact. Then I changed cell numbers, I deleted his emails, pictures etc. I blocked his email, MSN, Skype and Yahoo access. I also asked mutual friends not to talk to me about him. I completely cut him out of my life. There was some backwards and forwards to start with: he sent back my house key with a typewritten snarky note and I returned all his gifts to me (CDs, games, baseball hat, underwear, phone, perfume etc). Since then I've heard nothing. I don't want to hear anything. I know that if he contacts me of his own accord, I'm weak to him still - but the fact that I did cut him out of my life I think has ensured that he won't contact me again now and I hope it stays like that because he's damaged me a lot in the last 7 months.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 I'm glad you've taken those steps to make you feel better and move on with your life. That is what I need to do but I can't and I don't know why. It's not that I can't, because I can, but for some reason I can't force myself to do it. It's scary. I don't know what to do.
Chinook Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I'm glad you've taken those steps to make you feel better and move on with your life. That is what I need to do but I can't and I don't know why. It's not that I can't, because I can, but for some reason I can't force myself to do it. It's scary. I don't know what to do.I know. I really wish I didn't. But at some point you will reach a point where you can't take any more. That's when you'll do it.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 It's good to know someone else feels this way. I hope I reach that point soon. I'm like a desperate ex right now calling and texting. What is wrong with me? I see it, can't stop. I need to put my foot down and leave him.
funkybassplayer Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 You cant b/c as soon as you do you have to face the reality that the relationship is over, and that you have to move on, and face your pain. Its naturlal to feel like this, and dont beat yourself up about it, but if its over, it really is best now to start to leave the past in the past and move frward with your life. Dont be afraid to feel the pain, but know that at the end of this you be be a stronger and wiser person, and ready for the next relationship.
Author Heartache11 Posted August 4, 2007 Author Posted August 4, 2007 Thank you funkybassplayer. That made me feel better. So update, I broke down this morning and called him. He picked up and I asked if we could talk and he said he just woke up, not now. I asked him if we are done and he said I don't know, I just need a couple days. I said you're hurting me very much, you just disappeared out of no where. He proceeded to curse me off and hang up. I called back, he called me insane, and I responded I'm not insane, just very hurt. And asked him if what he wanted was a couple days and then he'd promise to talk to me and he said yes, (not too convincing but kind of) and talk to you later. That was that, and now I am doing my best to leave him alone. He is my first real love and first relationship, so I've never gone through a break-up besides the times we've broken up. But if I ever want to get him back, it seems calling will just make it worse, if it hasn't already. Do you think it's over? What is he thinking? One minute it's a break, the next he needs a couple days, I feel like I'm just being dragged along.
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