Is my Marriage Counselor a quack?

[Donut416]

[COLOR=black]I've been reading the pages in this site for a few months and have found a certain amount of comfort in the posts I've read. Thanks for sharing.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]My wife and I just came back from the marriage counselor today and frankly we were a little surprised. While the counselor only suggested the solution I’d believed maybe the only slim chance we’d have to save our marriage, I really didn't think I would hear it from a marriage counselor.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]We have been married for 15 years and frankly it has not been a happy 15 years. My wife was miserable, mean spirited, angry all the time, wouldn't know what affection or intimacy was if it bit her, and basically sabotaged any happy times with fabricated catastrophes. Please I'm not being mean here even though it does sound like it; I'm really just stating facts. I had asked her for years to seek help, especially after we had kids and her behavior was directed at them as well. She didn’t get help and my behavior was probably why. My failing was I pandered to her moods and in fact endorsed them by forgiving her and begging her forgiveness. I think the term is p-whipped (my apologies to any I offend with that label). [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]About 6 months ago my outlook changed. Subtly at first but it quite quickly became apparent to me that my heart had been scarred by the years of confrontation and loss of dignity. I no longer loved her. I may have felt this way for years but habits die hard, especially bad ones. So I drummed up the courage based primarily on the fact I no longer gave a Sh*t and I started to stand up to her aggression and that was the beginning of the end. After 6 weeks of threatening to leave if she didn’t see what she was doing to myself and the kids and begging her to go talk to somebody, I gave up. She called what she thought was my bluff and lost. I was out the door. It was at this point she started to see some light and realized what had happened. Unfortunately it was too late; in my heart I was gone and didn’t want to come back. Seeing a marriage counselor was her first and only try at bringing us back together if you don’t count all the rages and guilt trips that went before. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]She went to see the counselor first and apparently split her guts (good for her!). The second meeting we went as a couple with me taking sometime alone to talk to the counselor. I’m guessing that what my wife told the counselor was really a true picture of our relationship because he asked me flat out why I stayed as long as I did. Maybe that was a typical question under these circumstances but at the time I felt it was, encouraging, for lack of a better word. At the final meeting with counselor he advised that separation and individual counseling may be the only way that we could possibly salvage the marriage; though it was going to be a long process that may only end up with us as friends. Like I said earlier, this jived with what I originally realized. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I suppose my expectation was that the counselor would suggest we stay together and through counseling work out the issues. I was dreading that conclusion but I was expecting it. My wife was as well. She was probably even counting on it. I could tell by her face when he suggested we separate that she was shocked and devastated, but so far has accepted the need to separate and has become quite contrite. What I was hoping to know is whether or not in your humble opinions and based on what I have written here, you think the counselor was a quack? That he gave us bad advise. I truly hope not, but I have to ask the question. [/COLOR]

 

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

 

Cheers,

D

[IfWishesWereHorses]

NO, I think the counselor has detected the fact that your wife has some issues that are not fixable. Either that or she flat out told him/her that she did not want to stay.

 

MY MC was a quack. He ignored obvious issues, allowed lies to be told when the facts were in the chart infront of his face. Though the day I came in after filing for D with the weight of the world off of my shoulders, ( I never told why) I could see him picking at it, you seem much better, I feel you've made some progress. OH YEAH!!! He knew and was smiling about it. I would take his advice. He may well have knowledge that you are not privy to under confidentiality laws.

 

So maybe he was giving you some info that you needed but he CAN NOT come out and say it.

[Darth Vader]

Perhaps some of that secret knowledge is, your wife has/had been messing around on ya for years, I would get your children DNA tested, just in case! If they're not yours, depending on the state laws, you could sue for fraud!

[norajane]

MC's do not advocate people staying married at all costs. If your counselor assessed the situation and determined it was unhealthy for you, her, the children, or all of you, it seems perfectly legitimate that he would counsel separation.

[LakesideDream]

In the late 90's my now ex and I went to 5 different MC's over a 10 week period. much to my astonishment all of them gave a preliminary diagnosis after one or two sessions. Three females, two males all suggested individual therapy for my ex to deal with her personal issues before coming together for couples counsiling.

 

In hindsight that was pretty unusual for all of them to come to the same preliminary conculsion. It gave me an appreciation of their "art".

[Ladyjane14]

According to Dr. Harley of MarriageBuilders... "trial" separation significantly increases the odds of permanent separation. If you type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders", there in the body of the article you'll see his position on it.

 

He does recommend it in cases where a spouse can't control destructive behavior. It could be that your therapist believes that one or both of you is acting in a way that's destructive to the process.