annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Uh....ok...?? I'm trying to make you crack a smile.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I'm trying to make you crack a smile. Well if I stick my bare ass sideways on my desk will that count?
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well if I stick my bare ass sideways on my desk will that count? I'll take what I can get.
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Honestly I would lost respect for her if she had canceled a trip planned with her friends prior to dating this guy, out of hope that he would some day want to be her boyfriend. That would have been kind fo silly and disrespectful to her friend. I would have too. Bish is comparing apples and oranges as well. The girl he was dating was also dating someone else. Here, no such thing was happening. They were FRIENDS only.
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 This is in response to SG, but it's good for many of the posters. You can call all the guys jerks if you want because they would not like having someone they're dating go off to another city and stay with a boy. You can also dismiss their opinion as being wrong (because apparently all the others know the "real" answer... or the truth). That's fine. Have fun with that. Just don't ask all these jerks for opinions anymore. I for one am tired of being called names for giving my opinion. Do me a favor, make a list of all the people that you would NOT like opinions from in the future and place that little disclaimer at the top of you future requests for opinions. If I knew that my opinion was not wanted, I would happily save that two minutes of my life. If I had the liberty to call anyone whom I didn't agree with jerks, I would have alienated each and every one of you by now... some of you more than 10 times. Get over your own opinions and your superiority. I apologize for the off-topicness. I just get tired of people asking opinions and then criticizing people who give them.
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 This is in response to SG, but it's good for many of the posters. You can call all the guys jerks if you want because they would not like having someone they're dating go off to another city and stay with a boy. You can also dismiss their opinion as being wrong (because apparently all the others know the "real" answer... or the truth). That's fine. Have fun with that. Just don't ask all these jerks for opinions anymore. I for one am tired of being called names for giving my opinion. Do me a favor, make a list of all the people that you would NOT like opinions from in the future and place that little disclaimer at the top of you future requests for opinions. If I knew that my opinion was not wanted, I would happily save that two minutes of my life. If I had the liberty to call anyone whom I didn't agree with jerks, I would have alienated each and every one of you by now... some of you more than 10 times. Get over your own opinions and your superiority. I apologize for the off-topicness. I just get tired of people asking opinions and then criticizing people who give them. I don't think that giving an opposing opinion makes any of you "jerks". But I do feel feel some of you crossed the line into jerkdom when once you were proven wrong about how her guy felt about it (based on his response), you proceeded to try and undermine confidence and convince her that he was now just going to use an discard her because he no longer repsects her. That was wrong.
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 you proceeded to try and undermine confidence and convince her that he was now just going to use an discard her because he no longer repsects her. That was wrong. So tell me. Knowing men as you do, is it so incredibly inconceiveable that he would want to keep communication open with a girl just to keep the possibility of having sex with her? Am I so incredibly stupid for stating this possibility? Wow, if people's impressions are that men would not do this, I can see why so many are coming to LS for advice.... oh wait... they don't listen anyway. It's merely a place to be validated for the opinions you already have, NOT for actual advice. That's right... I'll keep that in mind. What a jerk I am. And SG, I was alright with you calling me names by PM, but I would advise you chill now. It's getting old.
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 So tell me. Knowing men as you do, is it so incredibly inconceiveable that he would want to keep communication open with a girl just to keep the possibility of having sex with her? Am I so incredibly stupid for stating this possibility? Ummmm ..... OK. And how does that general description of the assholiness of men relate to her situation? This guy hasn't done anything to prove he is a jerk yet. Just surrender. You read the situation incorrectly and instead of just accepting defeat graciously you chose to try to make her feel bad and sow seeds of doubt into her new relationship. Would it kill a guy to admit that he was wrong?
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Would it kill a guy to admit that he was wrong? Here's the control problem that so many LSers have. I don't necessarily agree with your opinion, but that doesn't make you wrong. But since you don't agree with mine, you assume that I'm wrong? Get over yourself. How can I be wrong about something that hasn't happened (yet). It's not temporally possible. I'll admit I'm wrong when I'm wrong. Trust me, I've been wrong more times in my life than I care to ever count.
squeak Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I'm being a mediator here but the guys are saying that the original poster should be aware if she wants to live according to her rules their could be ramifications, and to be aware of that "there is how you want things to be, and how things actually are". I always hear women say "but that is not the way it is, that is so closeminded of those men, not all men are like that" but again-that is how you want things to be, not how they are. On the other hand, I think the girls are saying "hey-you made your point -it's getting to be too much, now you are pushing it" My personal opinion is that the guys are telling you what they would really think, they are not in the minority, and that is a woman's perogative to ignore or be upset by that, does not make it any less true. And even the guys who seem like they are okay with it, I think they still primally feel that too. That is what is so fantastic about these message boards, you get advice that you would not otherwise, And you don't have to make the mistakes within relationship after relationship to figure it out.
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Here's the control problem that so many LSers have. I don't necessarily agree with your opinion, but that doesn't make you wrong. But since you don't agree with mine, you assume that I'm wrong? Get over yourself. How can I be wrong about something that hasn't happened (yet). It's not temporally possible. I'll admit I'm wrong when I'm wrong. Trust me, I've been wrong more times in my life than I care to ever count. Based on that logic ....... I predict that you will eventually realize your how wrong you have been about everyone and come groveling to me to beg for forgiveness and then you will run for president and wear a purple hat everyday of your presidential term. Just becasue it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't.
squeak Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 The other thing to note is that the majority of males posting here were not okay with it, only one was. Maybe the OP's love interest is like him, maybe not, that probably gives a fair representation of the general population, so the OP's question was answered very well!
tanbark813 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 once you were proven wrong about how her guy felt about it (based on his response) Well he did say he was "confused" about the situation and, realistically, he's going to downplay how much it actually bothered him. It's difficult establishing boundaries when you first start seeing someone, especially if you haven't had "the talk". You want it to be known what you're cool with and not cool with but you also don't want to be overbearing. The most likely scenario--and I think amerikaijin already touched on this--is that he was probably bothered and was wondering what was really going on. Then she did some damage control with the email that satisfied him. At that point he benefits most by just letting things go and not harping on how much it bothered him because: 1. It makes him look better. 2. It takes pressure off her and their interaction as a whole and lets things progress. Also, we can go back and forth all day about whether people "should" or "shouldn't" be bothered by something like this but the reality is that some people would be and some wouldn't. Neither stance is "wrong" though. If LS has taught us anything it's that people have a wide array of opinions.
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 The other thing to note is that the majority of males posting here were not okay with it, only one was. Maybe the OP's love interest is like him, maybe not, that probably gives a fair representation of the general population, so the OP's question was answered very well! I agree with you there. There is no problem with people posting opposing points of view. That is what this message board is for. It was the post that came after she found out that the guy was OK, with it and not mad at her that were uncalled for. They really were cruel and attacked bother she and his character. There is a difference bewteen giving advice and just acting like a jerk.
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 And SG, I was alright with you calling me names by PM, but I would advise you chill now. It's getting old. ?????????? I don't know WTF you're talking about, dude.
annabelle75 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well he did say he was "confused" about the situation and, realistically, he's going to downplay how much it actually bothered him. It's difficult establishing boundaries when you first start seeing someone, especially if you haven't had "the talk". You want it to be known what you're cool with and not cool with but you also don't want to be overbearing. The most likely scenario--and I think amerikaijin already touched on this--is that he was probably bothered and was wondering what was really going on. Then she did some damage control with the email that satisfied him. At that point he benefits most by just letting things go and not harping on how much it bothered him because: 1. It makes him look better. 2. It takes pressure off her and their interaction as a whole and lets things progress. Also, we can go back and forth all day about whether people "should" or "shouldn't" be bothered by something like this but the reality is that some people would be and some wouldn't. Neither stance is "wrong" though. If LS has taught us anything it's that people have a wide array of opinions. Excellent post. I agree with every word of it. Everyone is going to react differently to a sitaution. I think the key is just being honest and up front with some one. If he had a problem with it, he probably should have asked her about it and let her know. There wasn't anyone at fault in their situation. Its just that unsure shakey early communication when dating. I think they both handled it well and I hope things go well for them both.
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 There is a difference bewteen giving advice and just acting like a jerk. Exactly. For example, THIS is advice (regardless of whether you agree with it, which I do...): Well he did say he was "confused" about the situation and, realistically, he's going to downplay how much it actually bothered him. It's difficult establishing boundaries when you first start seeing someone, especially if you haven't had "the talk". You want it to be known what you're cool with and not cool with but you also don't want to be overbearing. The most likely scenario--and I think amerikaijin already touched on this--is that he was probably bothered and was wondering what was really going on. Then she did some damage control with the email that satisfied him. At that point he benefits most by just letting things go and not harping on how much it bothered him because: 1. It makes him look better. 2. It takes pressure off her and their interaction as a whole and lets things progress. This is NOT: So tell me. Knowing men as you do, is it so incredibly inconceiveable that he would want to keep communication open with a girl just to keep the possibility of having sex with her? Am I so incredibly stupid for stating this possibility? Wow, if people's impressions are that men would not do this, I can see why so many are coming to LS for advice.... oh wait... they don't listen anyway. It's merely a place to be validated for the opinions you already have, NOT for actual advice. That's right... I'll keep that in mind. What a jerk I am. Get over yourself. How can I be wrong about something that hasn't happened (yet). It's not temporally possible.
squeak Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 But SG, it's not jerkiness-did you read the post by another person who's GF slept over her ex's house one night and he changed the relationship to physical only because it changed how he felt about her? Women should be aware of what actions they do that demotes them in a man's eye from "mrs right" to "mrs. right now" so as to be more informed. I'm not saying it in a way like "oh we should cater to men" but men DO have a list of things that if a woman crosses, she won't even know it but she goes from GF to sex partner. That is a reality, I can't tell you how many conversations I have overheard at work where the guy had "demoted" the girl for an infraction-and she did not even know it!! Women should know, this is real, it happens everyday and hearts get broken, people feel used, and it is better to know the rules before playing.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I would have too. Bish is comparing apples and oranges as well. The girl he was dating was also dating someone else. Here, no such thing was happening. They were FRIENDS only. So she says. And unless the guy is gay, I don't think they could TRULY be just friends. Unless the guy was just simply butt ugly or something.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I don't think that giving an opposing opinion makes any of you "jerks". But I do feel feel some of you crossed the line into jerkdom when once you were proven wrong about how her guy felt about it (based on his response We STILL don't know how he feels. Based on what she said that he DID have some concerns about it, but he simply wasn't upset. And what are his intentions? does he want a R with this girl? Or does he want no strings attached and just want a fling. If it is the latter, the no wonder he wouldn't have a problem with it.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well he did say he was "confused" about the situation and, realistically, he's going to downplay how much it actually bothered him. EXACTLY!!!! BINGO!!! It's difficult establishing boundaries when you first start seeing someone, especially if you haven't had "the talk". You want it to be known what you're cool with and not cool with but you also don't want to be overbearing. And it just might be bothering this guy alot and he just doesn't want to admit it. The most likely scenario--and I think amerikaijin already touched on this--is that he was probably bothered and was wondering what was really going on. Then she did some damage control with the email that satisfied him. At that point he benefits most by just letting things go and not harping on how much it bothered him because: 1. It makes him look better. 2. It takes pressure off her and their interaction as a whole and lets things progress. Damn tanbark, I think you are spot on with this. I'll add 3. It forces her to evaluate what she does in the relationship if all he has to do is go no contact when she does something that she shouldn't really be doing if she wants to be with him. Then he will get the benefit of her kissing ass to make it up to him. Also, we can go back and forth all day about whether people "should" or "shouldn't" be bothered by something like this but the reality is that some people would be and some wouldn't. Neither stance is "wrong" though. ya, but we men are jerks if we don't like our love interests spending the night with another man.
Hazy Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Having only read the first original post by the OP Shadowplay...honey, you should NOT have told him you were going out of town and staying with another guy (whether he be friend, or fbuddy, or whatever). Because you have not discussed exclusivity with the guy you're dating, you owe him no explanations or who you're spending free time with. Anything goes, who else you date or spend time with is none of his business. If you were exclusive, that's another story. ALWAYS BE ON THE SAFESIDE AND DON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO AND IT COULD CAUSE A PROBLEM WITH THE DUDE YOU'RE DATING. "I'M GOING TO A CONCERT OUT OF TOWN" WOULD HAVE SUFFICED. YOU BASICALLY BLEW A POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GUY YOU'RE DATING BY ADDING "WITH A MALE FRIEND AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY OVERNIGHT TOGETHER WHILE WE'RE THERE." THAT'S WHERE YOU BLEW IT HON, OFFERING TOO MUCH UNNECESSARY INFO TO A GUY WHO HASN'T SAID "I WANT TO DATE JUST YOU, LOVE YOU." THERE EVERYBODY, HOPE THIS PROBLEM IS SOLVED NOW.
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Based on that logic ....... I predict that you will eventually realize your how wrong you have been about everyone and come groveling to me to beg for forgiveness and then you will run for president and wear a purple hat everyday of your presidential term. Just becasue it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't. That sound so much more appealing than what I had envisioned for my future. Don't worry, when I'm the leader of the Free World, I won't forget all the little people that challenged me to accept being called a jerk.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Having only read the first original post by the OP Shadowplay...honey, you should NOT have told him you were going out of town and staying with another guy (whether he be friend, or fbuddy, or whatever). Because you have not discussed exclusivity with the guy you're dating, you owe him no explanations or who you're spending free time with. Anything goes, who else you date or spend time with is none of his business. You are absolutely correct. But it would also have been perfectly fine and his business if he was bothered enough by it to tell her he didn't want to see her anymore. I'll say again, when there is no exclusive relationship established, then nobody has a right to be mad if the other sees someone, goes off for the weekend with another...whatever. But if you really want a relationship with the one person, then don't be surprised if you find yourself dropped because of your actions.
bish Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 ALWAYS BE ON THE SAFESIDE AND DON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO AND IT COULD CAUSE A PROBLEM WITH THE DUDE YOU'RE DATING. "I'M GOING TO A CONCERT OUT OF TOWN" WOULD HAVE SUFFICED. YOU BASICALLY BLEW A POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GUY YOU'RE DATING BY ADDING "WITH A MALE FRIEND AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY OVERNIGHT TOGETHER WHILE WE'RE THERE." There is my point of contention. If she wants a relationship with this other guy, why the hell would she go out of town with another guy? Ya ya, I know...they are just friends.....blah blah blah. If it ended up working out for her, then great..I hope she doesn't make that mistake again But she just got plain lucky....or did she?
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