Guys, would you be turned off...

[Art_Critic]

Its probably based on past negative experiences with cheating women. They need to learn that they can't judge every woman based on experiences with one.

 

My post was based on how I like to be treated respect wise and boundary wise..

I don't feel that if a woman who is trying to have a relationship with me is showing ME and our future relationship any respect by sleeping over with other guys..

Friends or not..

Platonic or not.. How am I supposed to be able to know what is platonic and what is a FWB ?

 

I know from experiences in dating what I want from a relationship and also what red flags precede a disappointing GF.

I have dated women before that made comments such as " I still go out to lunch all the time with a guy I dated a few years ago.. but there are no feelings.. We are just friends..

Guess what ?

There are always feelings and those women didn't have their heads screwed on straight

 

I have NEVER been cheated on or left for another guy so I'm not bringing that bitterness into it..

 

The posts that were talking about the men who posted to this thread were full of bitterness were very bitter posts themselves and had a negative slant to them and as such carried no weight in my eyes to the OP..

 

but what am I ?.. Just a bitter poster whose opinion shouldn't count because I have been there and done that

[tanbark813]

Do you want to just hook up and have sex once in a while (settle down, Tanbark, it's merely a rhetorical question)?

 

Dammit, dood, stop teasing.

[annabelle75]

but what am I ?.. Just a bitter poster whose opinion shouldn't count because I have been there and done that

 

My comment wasn't directed towards you AC. I think you are just coming from a different point of view as opposed to those that are truly just bitter and out to judge (cough .... bish....cough ).

[whichwayisup]

If the girl you had been dating for a month went to NY for a weekend with a male friend of hers to see a concert with him and stayed overnight with him some place? This is my situation. I'm seeing this guy, and I told him I was going with a male friend to NY last weekend and we were still looking for a place to stay. I didn't explain further. Right now he's acting kind of distant and contacting me less. I can't figure out if that's the reason. Since we just started dating we haven't really discussed our relationship or whether we're exclusive yet.

 

It's obvious that the guy you're dating now isn't that important to you, or the relationship itself isn't serious. The parts I bolded say ALOT.

 

YOU TOLD HIM. If you were very into the guy you were dating, you would have discussed this with him first instead of going ahead and making the plans, then telling him like an after thought.

 

YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN ANY FURTHER. Which means, his feelings, his thoughts don't count at all. You felt no need to talk to him first.

 

How would you feel if he had done that to you? Probably like crap, probably would feel hurt, and more than likely think "this guy isn't into me as he chose to make plans to go away with another girl WITHOUT even discussing it with me to see how I would feel..."

 

To be honest, it sounds like you're not really into the guy you're dating...

 

OK, I'm going to go read the rest of your thread, but I wanted to reply to your first post.

[Art_Critic]

My comment wasn't directed towards you AC. I think you are just coming from a different point of view as opposed to those that are truly just bitter and out to judge (cough .... bish....cough ).

 

Sorry AB.. my mistake....

[SadandConfusedWA]

So let me get this straight, you like a guy, he likes you...you think there might be a chance at a good thing. then he goes off for the weekend with another woman....you'd be ok with that eh?

 

Actually if the woman is a platonic friend then yes. She didn't just go off with another guy, she went with someone that she has been friends with for years. From what I understood they have slept in separate rooms. Sure I would feel slightly uneasy about new bf going on a trip with a female friend, but if he gave me no reason to doubt him so far, I would have faith that he is indeed just going with a friend. I CERTANLY wouldn't even consider dumping him because of that.

[shadowplay]

It's obvious that the guy you're dating now isn't that important to you, or the relationship itself isn't serious. The parts I bolded say ALOT.

 

YOU TOLD HIM. If you were very into the guy you were dating, you would have discussed this with him first instead of going ahead and making the plans, then telling him like an after thought.

 

YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN ANY FURTHER. Which means, his feelings, his thoughts don't count at all. You felt no need to talk to him first.

 

How would you feel if he had done that to you? Probably like crap, probably would feel hurt, and more than likely think "this guy isn't into me as he chose to make plans to go away with another girl WITHOUT even discussing it with me to see how I would feel..."

 

To be honest, it sounds like you're not really into the guy you're dating...

 

OK, I'm going to go read the rest of your thread, but I wanted to reply to your first post.

 

I made plans for the trip back in June before we even started dating. My friend invited me. This is a concert I've been looking forward to for a long time and I don't think it would be fair for a guy I was dating to expect me to cancel it because he didn't trust me to not screw around.

 

If I could do it all over again, I would have fully explained the situation to him in advance. I also would have found a place to stay that was separate from my friend so I could assure him that we weren't "shacking up" together.

 

I have a lot of male friends and I wouldn't want to date a guy who wasn't cool with me hanging out with them. Yes, it was a mistake for me to stay over with him. I can see how that would have bothered me had I been in his shoes.

 

I really like this guy. If I didn't, I wouldn't have gone all nutty when I thought he had blown me off. And, no...it's not a case of 'treat them mean, keep them keen.' I've been taken with him from day one; I just made a mistake in how I handled the situation.

[Replicant]

Actually if the woman is a platonic friend then yes. She didn't just go off with another guy, she went with someone that she has been friends with for years. From what I understood they have slept in separate rooms. Sure I would feel slightly uneasy about new bf going on a trip with a female friend, but if he gave me no reason to doubt him so far, I would have faith that he is indeed just going with a friend. I CERTANLY wouldn't even consider dumping him because of that.

 

Sure everyone understands that, the point others have made is that she confessed to not even making an effort to clarify whom this guy was, providing more than vague details, and a total lack of consideration for the situation at hand. The guy has every right to cut her loose after a stunt like that if not severely distance ones self. He had no idea of what went or was going down, that was not provided to him. The way the events played out certainly doesn't help her situation any.

 

It's not about having friends of the opposite sex, it's a total lack of consideration for something in which after the fact she has decided is important to her.

 

Bottom line like i mentioned before, contact is a big thing in a relationship. High interest levels in someone don't lag for days on end. Doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing, if she was important. That *want* to contact her is just there right on the surface, not shelved for 8 days.

[shadowplay]

Sure everyone understands that, the point others have made is that she confessed to not even making an effort to clarify whom this guy was, providing more than vague details, and a total lack of consideration for the situation at hand. The guy has every right to cut her loose after a stunt like that if not severely distance ones self. He had no idea of what went or was going down, that was not provided to him. The way the events played out certainly doesn't help her situation any.

 

It's not about having friends of the opposite sex, it's a total lack of consideration for something in which after the fact she has decided is important to her.

 

Bottom line like i mentioned before, contact is a big thing in a relationship. High interest levels in someone don't lag for days on end. Doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing, if she was important. That *want* to contact her is just there right on the surface, not shelved for 8 days.

 

It was actually 5-6 days since he last contacted me and he was building something in the middle of a rural area with no internet connection all week (he sent me pictures), but whatever... His interest level is something I guess I'll have to wait until I see him again to assess. I believe him, though. He certainly expressed strong interest in his last email, and he doesn't seem like the kind of guy to lead a girl on. He says he had a crush on me awhile before he asked me out, so maybe he's giving me a bit more slack for that reason. We haven't had sex yet either.

[Krytellan]

Who knows? I think that he wrote the Email because he still wants to have a chance to get what he wants before bailing on her. Why walk out on the bill before the food comes? He may think that's the way the OP rolls based on what he witnessed.

[lino]

I think its abit unfair to write off all the guys who replied to her saying they'd be turned off or leave her in this situation as just bitter fellas. I can see their point of view completely. Its just how they feel & they're free to do so whether they've been burned in the past or not.

As I've maintained through this entire discussion, I wouldn't personally leave the girl if I was the bloke in this situation or be turned off, I would become a little suspicious though, especially with the email she sent to him afterwards to explain things. But that is just what my reaction would be.

Lucky for the OP the guy in question seems pretty understanding & reasonable with it all & I'm happy for her as she seems like a decent girl, even if she didn't handle the situation in the most ideal way

[shadowplay]

Who knows? I think that he wrote the Email because he still wants to have a chance to get what he wants before bailing on her. Why walk out on the bill before the food comes? He may think that's the way the OP rolls based on what he witnessed.

 

Exactly why I won't "serve the food" until I feel confident that he'll pay the bill...I have no desire to date such a guy. That said I don't *think* this one is of that ilk. A lot of guys may be, but not all are. When we've been physical he's been very respectful of me...he's actually stopped to ask me if he's overstepping his bounds and make sure that I'm comfortable with everything. I've found that the guys who are only in it for sex tend to be a lot more pushy during foreplay. Of course, better safe than sorry and I'm going to hold out until I really know him.

[Replicant]

Exactly why I won't "serve the food" until I feel confident that he'll pay the bill...I have no desire to date such a guy. That said I don't *think* this one is of that ilk.

 

That's the kind of meal where you both go Dutch on it when the time comes.

 

I think you said you were a Bostonian, instead of debating this. Actions speak louder than words. Pull a Paul Revere and take a midnight ride and go spend a night with whom you should have in the first place. I'm not saying make a take out delivery, i'm saying just bring the menu and see if he's even still interested

[bish]

Actually if the woman is a platonic friend then yes.

 

I didn't say platonic friend. And obviously this guy she is so desperately trying to win back is more than that to her.

 

She didn't just go off with another guy, she went with someone that she has been friends with for years.

 

So what? If you want a relationship with someone, you don't go on overnight trips with the opposite sex.

 

Now it just so happens in this case the guy didn't seem to mind...perhaps that is because he has no interest in getting serious with her. If that is the case, then everything is hunky dory.

 

But if he did want something serious, I doubt he would have like the fact she was with another guy over the weekend. Platonic friend or not.

 

If he was gay, then I can see it not being a problem.

 

From what I understood they have slept in separate rooms. Sure I would feel slightly uneasy about new bf going on a trip with a female friend, but if he gave me no reason to doubt him so far, I would have faith that he is indeed just going with a friend. I CERTANLY wouldn't even consider dumping him because of that.

 

To each their own. Some people will play the fool, some won't

[shadowplay]

You guys are just making me more worried... I'm going to just not think about it too much and see what happens when we're together again. Try to have a good time and make my feelings to him clear.

[squeak]

Hey guys, I think it's okay to drop some possible scenarios regarding what may happen from a guy''s viewpoint , but now you're kind of needling her...

[annabelle75]

You guys are just making me more worried... I'm going to just not think about it too much and see what happens when we're together again. Try to have a good time and make my feelings to him clear.

 

Ignore them. You didn't do anything wrong. The guy your dating doesn't think you did either. He wants to see you again. Be happy

[bish]

Ignore them. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

She really likes this guy, but goes away for the weekend with another guy...so yes...she did.

 

 

The guy your dating doesn't think you did either. He wants to see you again. Be happy

 

Yes, for whatever reason, he wants to see her. Its possible he doesn't want anything serious and therefore doesn't mind she went away with the other guy.

 

If he does want something serious, then hey, to each his own. But, anyone would be justified in being suspicious of this girl's intentions by what she did.

 

Some people just have to learn the hard way.

[annabelle75]

She really likes this guy, but goes away for the weekend with another guy...so yes...she did.

 

 

 

 

Yes, for whatever reason, he wants to see her. Its possible he doesn't want anything serious and therefore doesn't mind she went away with the other guy.

 

If he does want something serious, then hey, to each his own. But, anyone would be justified in being suspicious of this girl's intentions by what she did.

 

Some people just have to learn the hard way.

 

Pardon me for asking, but I was wondering how old you were. I thought perhaps this might be a generational thing. I know it use to be highly uncommon and frowned upon for male and female friends to go away together but these days its become the norm. I have gone on numerous trips with my male friends, even when I was involved with some one else. I don't consider my friendships with men any different than my ones with women.

 

I think you have gotten yourself so hung up on this "girls can't be friends and spend a weekend with a boy" thing that you can't see past it.

[bish]

Pardon me for asking, but I was wondering how old you were.

 

38

 

I thought perhaps this might be a generational thing. I know it use to be highly uncommon and frowned upon for male and female friends to go away together but these days its become the norm.

 

If this has become the norm these days, then its no wonder people are cheating left and right, then complaining about it.

 

I have gone on numerous trips with my male friends, even when I was involved with some one else. I don't consider my friendships with men any different than my ones with women.

 

Good for you.

 

I think you have gotten yourself so hung up on this "girls can't be friends and spend a weekend with a boy" thing that you can't see past it.

 

Thats because experience has proven that to me.

 

Sorry, if you would be ok with someone you are striving towards a relationship for going off for a weekend with the opposite sex, then fine....I for one have been there, done that...and won't do it again.

[bish]

Pardon me for asking, but I was wondering how old you were. I thought perhaps this might be a generational thing. I know it use to be highly uncommon and frowned upon for male and female friends to go away together but these days its become the norm. I have gone on numerous trips with my male friends, even when I was involved with some one else. I don't consider my friendships with men any different than my ones with women.

 

I think you have gotten yourself so hung up on this "girls can't be friends and spend a weekend with a boy" thing that you can't see past it.

 

Well I have posted this story here before, but here it goes. Right out of college I dated a girl and we were starting to get towards being serious, but we hadn't established that gf/bf title yet.

 

Well she decides to go off, without telling me, to visit a "male friend" over the weekend. Turns out it was someone she had dated in the past. And she too said that "nothing happened"...ya..whatever...ok.

 

Anyway, when she got back she tried to act like nothing was wrong and like I was suppose to go back to dating her as if nothing happened. I told her it wasn't going to work out.

 

She came over to my place, explained to me that we weren't in a committed relationship...but by her trying so hard to convince me of that it was apparant that she wanted one. But I felt played and wasn't going to have any of it.

 

I told her that yes, we were not in a committed relationship, and for that I told her i wasn't mad at her. But I told her that if she wanted one with me, that definitely was NOT the way to go about it. She said she was sorry, I said I was sorry too. Then I opened the door and told her goodbye.

[Star Gazer]

You guys are just making me more worried... I'm going to just not think about it too much and see what happens when we're together again. Try to have a good time and make my feelings to him clear.

 

Don't overthink this. Honestly, most of the guys in this thread are behaving like jerks. They are actually TRYING to make you question this, and TRYING to make you feel badly about your situation...and you shouldn't! Go back and read Johan's advice, it was fantastic. Enjoy your time with him, don't rush things, and just see what happens.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. The guy your dating doesn't think you did either. He wants to see you again. Be happy

 

Exactly.

[annabelle75]

38

 

If this has become the norm these days, then its no wonder people are cheating left and right, then complaining about it.

 

Good for you.

 

Thats because experience has proven that to me.

 

Sorry, if you would be ok with someone you are striving towards a relationship for going off for a weekend with the opposite sex, then fine....I for one have been there, done that...and won't do it again.

 

Based on your past experiences, I understand why you feel the way you do and I respect that. I just feel that in this case she didn't have any nefarious reasons fro going on a trip with this guy. Honestly I would lost respect for her if she had canceled a trip planned with her friends prior to dating this guy, out of hope that he would some day want to be her boyfriend. That would have been kind fo silly and disrespectful to her friend.

 

I know you are probably aren't in a place right now to really look at it from that point of view and that's ok. You've been through alot of crap.

 

In time I'm sure you'll start to heal and move on at which point you will realize that we're soulmates and we can ride off into the sunset together and raise miniature horses in Montana ......

[shadowplay]

What the guy I'm seeing said exactly is that he wasn't "upset" but he admits that he was rather confused by the situation. I'm guessing he was a bit upset but didn't want to seem "uncool." I expect that it may take him some time to fully trust me because of this, which I regret but hopefully I'll restore it eventually. I agree with Annabelle that there is also a generational thing going on.

[bish]

In time I'm sure you'll start to heal and move on at which point you will realize that we're soulmates and we can ride off into the sunset together and raise miniature horses in Montana ......

 

Uh....ok...??