Author shadowplay Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Well I hope you've learned from what you did & from this thread to avoid doing things like that in the future. Like I said in my earlier post I wouldn't leave a girl for something like that but alot of guys would so I think it's something you should keep in mind. Sorry if I sound harsh it isn't my intention, I mean what I'm saying in a good way. Also I don't understand the bold part of what I quoted you on, can you please explain it further, sorry to go off topic. Yes, I've definitely learned my lesson the hard way. Although I'm still not positive that's the reason for the way he's acting (see my entry above), I know that there's a strong likelihood it is and many other guys would have blown me off as well for that reason. The sentence in bold is referring to the fact that most guys seem able to distract themselves and focus on the immediate thing they're doing even if something is going bad in their emotional life. They're generally not as obsessive as women and their emotions don't spill over until all aspects of their lives. I really wish I was like that sometimes.
Author shadowplay Posted August 5, 2007 Author Posted August 5, 2007 Do you guys think I should contact him or wait longer? I sent him that email on Thursday. I want to make at least one final attempt to contact him but I'm not sure if I should do it now or later. I'm also not sure what I should say. Should I text him or call or what? Last time he went away for a week I sent him an email on Thursday and didn't hear back from him until the following Monday, but that wasn't an email that necessarily invited a response (it was just a few links I thought he might enjoy). Should I wait until Monday or Tuesday and see if he contacts me first or try now? I'm worried if I wait too long he'll be less likely to get back to me because he'll feel more guilty about going so long without getting in touch...also he's starting to move Aug 15 so there's a short timeframe. I'm sorry if I'm being annoyingly obsessive, but I'm pretty inexperienced with guys... I just wanted to thank you guys for all the advice and feedback. You've been extremely helpful!
Replicant Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Do you guys think I should contact him or wait longer? I sent him that email on Thursday. I want to make at least one final attempt to contact him but I'm not sure if I should do it now or later. I'm also not sure what I should say. Should I text him or call or what? He's going to think you've gone crazy if you keep it up, and he'll of course build thicker walls to keep you away. If anything further contacting him is worsening your chances. Usually when couples are apart, not much time passes (minimal!) before contact is made if you are interested and care about them THAT! much considering the vast majority of means these days to do so...there really is no excuse for not doing so should one want to. Just something to consider.
AmorousDelight Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 If the guy was going for exclusive relationship and you were following, then you messed up b/c you told him and/or went with another guy. If I was that guy and wanted a serious relationship w/ you, if you asked me I would say 'it is not ok, or say it is ok but it's over.' If he was not going for exclusive, then it is no big deal. Regardless, I would let the situation cool down first for an 1-2 wks and then see how it works out.
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Usually when couples are apart, not much time passes (minimal!) before contact is made if you are interested and care about them THAT! much considering the vast majority of means these days to do so...there really is no excuse for not doing so should one want to. Just something to consider. That being the case, wouldn't it be natural for me to contact him at this point? I mean it's been awhile since I heard from him and it's natural for me to want to know what the deal is or if he's ok. Why would he conclude I'm crazy because of that? It's not like I've even been contacting him much at all. I sent him one text and one email earlier in the week -- the first which he responded promptly to. That's all. He initiated contact twice on his own. Besides which I feel like I just deserve some explanation at least. I'd like to contact him if for only that reason. My question is how long should I wait and what should I say? I wouldn't feel the urgency to do this if it weren't for the fact that he's moving on Aug 15th.
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 If the guy was going for exclusive relationship and you were following, then you messed up b/c you told him and/or went with another guy. If I was that guy and wanted a serious relationship w/ you, if you asked me I would say 'it is not ok, or say it is ok but it's over.' If he was not going for exclusive, then it is no big deal. Regardless, I would let the situation cool down first for an 1-2 wks and then see how it works out. But don't you think if I wait that long he'll be less likely to get in touch with me or respond since so much time has passed? Also consider the fact that he's starting to move on Aug 15th. I think he'll be back a bit after that, but not for that long. Guys, I know I made a huge mistake because I'm a social retard and don't have much experience. The thing is I really, really like this guy, more than any other guy I've been with so I'm going to do everything I can even if there's only a slim possibility that he'll take me back. I mean he's the kind of guy I could see myself settling down with and I've never felt that way before in my life. The last few days I've been totally miserable and crying myself to sleep. I can't believe I could have been so stupid and I feel totally helpless and horrible. I never had any intention of hurting him or doing the wrong thing. I just lack sense a lot of the time. I also feel hurt because it seems like some people on this thread are attacking me and acting like I'm some bad person who had this coming. I wish people understood that I made an honest mistake and just lack social skills/sense when it comes to this stuff. I'm really inexperienced for someone my age and don't really understand the dynamics of relationships or nuances of these situations. I tried my best to treat him well and do the right thing because I genuinely cared about him. I never intended to hurt him in any way. I would have cancelled the concert without hesitation had I realized at the time how he would react. I wish you guys would try to understand and not be so harsh. It just makes me feel worse. I've felt miserable for the last few days...more depressed than I ever remember being...and I just can't focus on anything else. I hate myself for being so stupid and screwing up the one good thing in my life.
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 What do you guys think of this? I'm considering sending it as a text eventually. Let me know what I should change: hey Jack, what's up? are you back in town? just making sure you're ok...i'm a bit concerned. again, i'm really sorry if the trip was a big deal but i didn't think it was and i just don't have great social skills. i swear nothing happened, and i never intended to hurt you in any way. i'd like to see you again and know that you're ok. K-- here's an alternate version hey Jack, what's up? are you back in town? i'm a bit concerned because i haven't heard from you in awhile. i can imagine two possibiliies. one is you're upset at me for going to the concert with my friend. the other is something's wrong, there's some sort of emergency, which is my main concern. if it's the first, your reaction is valid. i realize in retrospect that i made a huge misstep there. often i seem to lack judgment in the moment because of poor social skills . i wish you would accept my honesty that nothing happened, but i know that may be hard to do considering you don't know me very well. i really like you and never intended to hurt you in any way. i'm starting to get pretty concerned about the second possibility. whatever the reason is, please let me know that you're ok. k--
lino Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yes, I've definitely learned my lesson the hard way. Although I'm still not positive that's the reason for the way he's acting (see my entry above), I know that there's a strong likelihood it is and many other guys would have blown me off as well for that reason. The sentence in bold is referring to the fact that most guys seem able to distract themselves and focus on the immediate thing they're doing even if something is going bad in their emotional life. They're generally not as obsessive as women and their emotions don't spill over until all aspects of their lives. I really wish I was like that sometimes. Well it's good you learned from it I get now what you meant, thanks for explaining. I generally agree too with what you say about guys though I'm not so emotionally 'tough' as others might be. I can hide it well so others don't know but inside I'm being a little obsessive too. It seems you are letting it get to you but I can understand. Like I said in my 1st reply to this thread I don't think you should have sent that email as it looked like it was a way to cover yourself for spending a weekend with another bloke. I know you meant well with it but he probably doesn't! I posted it too late though In my opinion you should just wait a week to see what happens then call him to see how he is and then tell him you'd like to see him. Maybe offer to take him out, I'd appreciate that if in his position. Hope it works out for you
lino Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 In my opinion you shouldn't send either text message. To me they give the impression of trying to patch-up a suss situation. How old are you by the way? But don't you think if I wait that long he'll be less likely to get in touch with me or respond since so much time has passed? Also consider the fact that he's starting to move on Aug 15th. I think he'll be back a bit after that, but not for that long. Guys, I know I made a huge mistake because I'm a social retard and don't have much experience. The thing is I really, really like this guy, more than any other guy I've been with so I'm going to do everything I can even if there's only a slim possibility that he'll take me back. I mean he's the kind of guy I could see myself settling down with and I've never felt that way before in my life. The last few days I've been totally miserable and crying myself to sleep. I can't believe I could have been so stupid and I feel totally helpless and horrible. I never had any intention of hurting him or doing the wrong thing. I just lack sense a lot of the time. I also feel hurt because it seems like some people on this thread are attacking me and acting like I'm some bad person who had this coming. I wish people understood that I made an honest mistake and just lack social skills/sense when it comes to this stuff. I'm really inexperienced for someone my age and don't really understand the dynamics of relationships or nuances of these situations. I tried my best to treat him well and do the right thing because I genuinely cared about him. I never intended to hurt him in any way. I would have cancelled the concert without hesitation had I realized at the time how he would react. I wish you guys would try to understand and not be so harsh. It just makes me feel worse. I've felt miserable for the last few days...more depressed than I ever remember being...and I just can't focus on anything else. I hate myself for being so stupid and screwing up the one good thing in my life. I hope you don't see any of my replies as 'attacking' you, it's not my intention at all. I'm just giving you my take on your situation I know it's probably not so easy but try not to hammer yourself too much over this. I too am nowhere near socially elite when it comes to girls so I sort of know how you probably feel. Not sure about you but for me going to the gym really helps to relax and take my mind of this sort of stuff, maybe you could try that?
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 In my opinion you shouldn't send either text message. To me they give the impression of trying to patch-up a suss situation. How old are you by the way? I hope you don't see any of my replies as 'attacking' you, it's not my intention at all. I'm just giving you my take on your situation I know it's probably not so easy but try not to hammer yourself too much over this. I too am nowhere near socially elite when it comes to girls so I sort of know how you probably feel. Not sure about you but for me going to the gym really helps to relax and take my mind of this sort of stuff, maybe you could try that? Not at all, you've actually been very helpful and kind. I appreciate the time you and everyone here has taken to give me advice. I think I was just overreacting earlier to some other responses because I was feeling down. Today's my 24th birthday (he doesn't know it is my b-day btw). I don't have much experience with guys though, because I'm extremely shy. I've dated a few guys who didn't treat me very well. He was the first guy I really liked that I was involved with. I'd like to follow your advice and wait a week to respond but the problem is he's moving to NY next Wednesday (the 15th). I will be visiting NY for other reasons in a couple weeks, but I feel like I should get in touch with him before he moves. With that in mind how long do you think I should wait? My concern about calling him is he could easily let it go to voicemail and then my opportunity would be "up." It seems like he would be more likely to respond to a text since he has in the past. What kind of message do you think would be more appropriate? What about -- "Hey, Jack. What's up? Are you back in town?"
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 "Hey, Jack. What's up? Are you back in town?" Yep go for that. Don't get too emotional at this point, or too defensive that will only scare him off.
FrequentFlyer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Yes, regarding the original question, it sends a mixed signal, so I'd lose interest. Next, this may be a little harsh, sorry. Cool it. You are obsessing. I'd run away from someone like you. Get a hobby or something to distract yourself, take your mind off this whole thing -- for at least a few days, maybe a week, or more. You've done your part. If he wants to contact you, he will. Relax. Being obsessed with someone is soooooooooooo unattractive. Do you think your obsessive behavior is what attracted him to you in the first place? probably not. Think about the qualities you brought to the table when you first met. Again, sorry for being so harsh.
lino Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Not at all, you've actually been very helpful and kind. I appreciate the time you and everyone here has taken to give me advice. I think I was just overreacting earlier to some other responses because I was feeling down. Today's my 24th birthday (he doesn't know it is my b-day btw). I don't have much experience with guys though, because I'm extremely shy. I've dated a few guys who didn't treat me very well. He was the first guy I really liked that I was involved with. I'd like to follow your advice and wait a week to respond but the problem is he's moving to NY next Wednesday (the 15th). I will be visiting NY for other reasons in a couple weeks, but I feel like I should get in touch with him before he moves. With that in mind how long do you think I should wait? My concern about calling him is he could easily let it go to voicemail and then my opportunity would be "up." It seems like he would be more likely to respond to a text since he has in the past. What kind of message do you think would be more appropriate? What about -- "Hey, Jack. What's up? Are you back in town?" Oh ok happy birthday then I'm 25 myself and while I've had plenty of flings I don't have any experience with serious relationships, never had one. I've also been treated pretty badly by women too The thing with him moving isn't too good, is NY far for you? I still think you should wait a week. For me the way you're behaving is something I find cute but I can see it being a turn off for alot of guys like frequentflyer said so yeah better to leave it a week. In the meantime you should definitely try to relax & let him reach you if he wants. It's hot in America now no? You should have fun things to do in the summer I'd assume. Texting is cool if you prefer that and I think "Hey, Jack. What's up? Are you back in town?" is fine. I think trying to explain things too much like you wanted to with your previous suggestions for a text seems abit dodgy. Besides you already explained in the email you sent him recently.
bradford Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Shadow! Listen, stop the madness! Why do you want to send him another text? Why so you can pine over if he's going to respond for another week? Don't worry, we all feel like there's nobody else in the bloody world after we screw up with someone we like. It's natural. You're more normal than you give yourself credit for. At this point - if anything - I would just call him, be brutally honest, after hellos and stuff, say "don't know if you read it, but I sent a stupid email because i thought you may have been pissed about that weekend, not the best thing to do I know - I should have just asked you about it. Anyway, don't hold it against me, okay?" He'll say ok, then say, "So are we cool? Because if we are, we should get together like real soon - and if not, just be honest with me, tis all I ask." Now I know conversations like that doesn't really happen in these situations, but they can.... but if you prefer, txt him again and wait another week... bradford
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 Shadow! Listen, stop the madness! Why do you want to send him another text? Why so you can pine over if he's going to respond for another week? Don't worry, we all feel like there's nobody else in the bloody world after we screw up with someone we like. It's natural. You're more normal than you give yourself credit for. At this point - if anything - I would just call him, be brutally honest, after hellos and stuff, say "don't know if you read it, but I sent a stupid email because i thought you may have been pissed about that weekend, not the best thing to do I know - I should have just asked you about it. Anyway, don't hold it against me, okay?" He'll say ok, then say, "So are we cool? Because if we are, we should get together like real soon - and if not, just be honest with me, tis all I ask." Now I know conversations like that doesn't really happen in these situations, but they can.... but if you prefer, txt him again and wait another week... bradford Thanks, I'm considering doing what you said. My hesitation is that if I call him he could let it go to voicemail and then I would have "expended" my chance of contact without seeming needy. Whereas with a text he might be more likely to reply since it's less direct/confrontational. What do you guys think?
Star Gazer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 You have no idea whether you've made things worse. You have no idea what is going through this guy's head. People here are just second-guessing you a lot. You're encouraging them to overthink it with you. Just be patient and remember that this guy is probably not the secret to your whole life's happiness. The pain you're feeling is not even about how you feel about him. It's about how you feel about yourself. Try to go easier on yourself. You obviously mean well and if this guy is worth keeping he'll pick up on that. You said something similar to me in the past. Great advice. Lighten up Shadow. As long as you learned something from this experience it's not a waste. I disagree with everyone who says it was a mistake. A normal guy would tune in his radar and pay more attention (thinking to himself, "Does she talk about this guy a lot...are they REALLY just friends...?" etc.), but he wouldn't show you the door (as this one appears to be doing). That said, this is exactly why I don't discuss where I am going, what I'm up to, etc. with a guy I'm simply dating and not in a relationship with. I disagree. Guys who want a relationship with a woman and are truly worth their salt won't put up with their SO going off for the weekend with another guy. Someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is NOT your SO. What someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is really none of your business (or in this case, the guy's). She was honest and upfront with this dude, he should at the least respect that.
Star Gazer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Thanks, I'm considering doing what you said. My hesitation is that if I call him he could let it go to voicemail and then I would have "expended" my chance of contact without seeming needy. Whereas with a text he might be more likely to reply since it's less direct/confrontational. What do you guys think? NO. If anything, I agree with Bradford. Don't text or email - waaaaaaaay too impersonal and passive agressive. If you want to continue this drama, CALL him. Or don't. Those are your options. If it goes to VM, leave the same message that Bradford suggested, and leave it at that. If you hear from him, great. If you don't...well, an insecure dude like that isn't someone you want to date longterm anyway.
LoveLace Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 . Someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is NOT your SO. What someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is really none of your business (or in this case, the guy's). She was honest and upfront with this dude, he should at the least respect that. He should respect honesty but that doesn't mean he's comfortable with it, and he just might feel a bit disrespected himself...even though she's honest he still feels put on the back burner, and might have hurt feelings, in this case even if you are just dating and not quite serious, sometimes you still have to consider other people's feelings over the attitude that your technically unattached and can do whatever ya want.
bish Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is NOT your SO. What someone you're dating and not in an exclusive relationship with is really none of your business (or in this case, the guy's). She was honest and upfront with this dude, he should at the least respect that. I agree. but if she really wants a relationship with this guy, going out of town for the weekend with another guy is not the way to go about it. If this guy is thinking its time to move on to someone else, i don't blame him a bit. I wouldn't give any woman that went out of town for the weekend with another guy any consideration.....exclusive relationship or not.
bish Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Besides which I feel like I just deserve some explanation at least. And are you then prepared to explain to him why, if you really are into this guy, you went out of town for the weekend with another guy? I mean really, why in the hell did you go out of town with this other guy when you are wanting a R with the guy you slighted?
Replicant Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 That being the case, wouldn't it be natural for me to contact him at this point? I mean it's been awhile since I heard from him and it's natural for me to want to know what the deal is or if he's ok. Why would he conclude I'm crazy because of that? It's not like I've even been contacting him much at all. I sent him one text and one email earlier in the week -- the first which he responded promptly to. That's all. He initiated contact twice on his own. Besides which I feel like I just deserve some explanation at least. I'd like to contact him if for only that reason. My question is how long should I wait and what should I say? I wouldn't feel the urgency to do this if it weren't for the fact that he's moving on Aug 15th. Regarding making contact via text messaging or e-mails. That is ultra impersonal, you sent him one note already. That is enough in this case. You have to give him a chance to absorb the whole situation in whatever way he is going to... then he'd make contact, not continually bombard him with more messages about this. My comment about continual communication is important, it does not drag especially when apart like in your case if two care about each other. Your compelled to contact out of want to not have to. If you felt the dire need to absolutely make contact it would have to be on a more personal level. Meaning phoning him, if he does not answer he'll see you called leave it at that. If the relationship were longer i would say personal contact would speak volumes to me, i would respect a girl more who had the guts to confront the situation and what she wants instead of skirting around with little texts and e-mails. But also remember the damage has been done here, and you have to be willing to accept the outcome even if it means he never wants to speak to or see you ever again.
Author shadowplay Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 GUESS WHAT GUYS. He finally responded!!! He sent me a long email. Apparently he was in a rural area shooting this film all week and was literally only able to check his email once. He can't wait to see me again and hang out and said we should take a tour of NY later this month. He apologized if his lack of communication suggested ill feelings. He said he wasn't upset about the thing with that guy, but mildly befuddled. I am ecstatic. This is the best birthday gift I could have hoped for. :love: My faith in humanity is restored and I learned a very good lesson in the process.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Fantastic! I knew it! All the men here that said they would dump a girl if she went off with guy friend to NYC, should ask themselves: is this sort of behaviouar a reason they are single? You all sound wayyyy too bitter to me.
Star Gazer Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Fantastic! I knew it! All the men here that said they would dump a girl if she went off with guy friend to NYC, should ask themselves: is this sort of behaviouar a reason they are single? You all sound wayyyy too bitter to me. FINALLY another voice of reason!!! Great news, Shadow! I'm so glad he was able to see your weekend trip for what it really is - time spent with a FRIEND (who happens to be male). The situation was completely twisted around by most posters in this thread. If he were to have blown you off/dumped you because of this, I'd have been really surprised and ticked off. YAY!
annabelle75 Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 THANK GOD !!! I'm so glad this drama is ending well. I didn't want to respond to this thread because all the crap about it being wrong for you to go to NYC with your friend was just ridiculous and pissed me off. Perhpas you should have communicated more what your relationship with your freind was about, but other than that I couldn't find any fault. You don't start dissing your friends (male or female) for some guy you just started dating.
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