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Guys, would you be turned off...


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Posted
^i just drafted a short email to him explaining the situation. tell me what you guys think. i need your help!! :):confused:

 

how's the project going? i've been doing this ---- class all week all day long which is pretty brutal, especially without air-conditioning. it's good practice, though. anyway, there is one thing i wanted to mention that's kind of been on my mind. I should have explained this to you before, but the guy i went to ny with is just a friend...i've known him forever and there's never been anything more between us. i think he liked me at one point, but i don't have anything but platonic feelings for him and have made that very clear. i wasn't sure how to bring it up with you. so...yeah. anyway, i hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in --- and the weather is kind to you!

 

should i send it? should i change anything?? be brutal!

 

Wishy washy & meaningless. Actions speak louder than words - if you are into him and not the other guy, and want him to realise that, then you have to cancel the NYC trip and hang out with him instead. If you have already gone (it's not clear from your post if you've gone already, or were just planning to), then that's a bit more difficult. Just be honest and then cross your fingers, be extra good to him and hope he lets it pass!

Posted
I would take out the part out about how he used to like you. No reason for that at all in my opinion. All that is gonna do is make him think this guy was trying to sleep with you all weekend...even more so than before.

 

Yeah, take that part out.

 

Take the part out about the heat too. I immediately had this image of hot, lean bodies, sticky with sweat, and stretched out prone against each other.

 

I think things should work out fine though. Just tell him this guy has been a friend so long you didn't even think about it.

Posted
If the girl you had been dating for a month went to NY for a weekend with a male friend of hers to see a concert with him and stayed overnight with him some place? This is my situation. I'm seeing this guy, and I told him I was going with a male friend to NY last weekend and we were still looking for a place to stay. I didn't explain further. Right now he's acting kind of distant and contacting me less. I can't figure out if that's the reason. Since we just started dating we haven't really discussed our relationship or whether we're exclusive yet.

 

I'd think this would bother anyone. It might be different if your BF already knew this male friend and got along with him, etc...since this isn't the case, it makes your BF uncomfortable, of course. But maybe he doesn't say anything because he does trust you..either that or since the relationship hasn't been defined, he'd feel too possessive to let you know it bugs him yet. I'm sure he'll feel uneasy the whole time your gone.

 

Would you still go on this trip if the relationship was more serious? What if your BF absolutely disagreed with it? Also, what if the situation was reversed, think of how it would make you feel for him to go on a trip such as this....answers to those questions might help you...do you have romantic interest in this male friend? How much do you like your new BF?

 

This is obviously a sign that maybe it's time for you and your BF to discuss the nature of your new relationship.

Posted
"Vacation was fine but I MISSED YOU" would be enough. No need to bring up the male friend again.

 

I liked this the best. This says it all and isn't wishy washy.

Posted
I liked this the best. This says it all and isn't wishy washy.

 

I agree with that; however her email also shows that she cares about his feelings...I dont think she's overdoing it as long as she doesn't bring it up more.

Posted

Shadow - tricky situation. I don't know that I would have sent an email though. I've been seeing a girl for almost 2 months now - it's fantastic - nothing official, but nevertheless I would not be "ok" with it; but I wouldn't stop seeing the person over it either. As a matter a fact, I wouldn't be mad at all. I couldn't be. It's all about trust isn't it? And when I say trust, I mean trust that my connection with her is enough to assure me that they are just friends and whatever. If you can't trust in that, then you shouldn't even be with the person honestly. Which maybe is why he's been backing away .. he doesn't have must trust in himself. You know what would have made him feel a lot better - possibly even avoided this whole thing - if you called/txted him while you were in NY a couple of times, basically letting him know - yea Im here with a friend, but I'm thinking of you.

 

bradley

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Posted
I agree with that; however her email also shows that she cares about his feelings...I dont think she's overdoing it as long as she doesn't bring it up more.

 

Too bad I already sent the email. I knew I'd regret it. :( I sent it last night and haven't received a response. He is in a rural area without wifi, though. The thing is earlier in the week I sent him a friendly text message and he responded the next morning and sent me some pics of what he was doing. Now...nothing.

 

Gah, it's like no matter what I do I always make things worse. :( My worst fear is that I'll never hear from him again. I'd rather that he just broke up with me then this agonizing silence. I've always had a fear of abandonment and this whole not hearing from him thing is making me feel empty and miserable.

 

It doesn't help that he's theonly guy I've everdated who I really like.

Posted
Too bad I already sent the email. I knew I'd regret it. ...

 

Gah, it's like no matter what I do I always make things worse.

 

You have no idea whether you've made things worse. You have no idea what is going through this guy's head. People here are just second-guessing you a lot. You're encouraging them to overthink it with you.

 

Just be patient and remember that this guy is probably not the secret to your whole life's happiness. The pain you're feeling is not even about how you feel about him. It's about how you feel about yourself. Try to go easier on yourself. You obviously mean well and if this guy is worth keeping he'll pick up on that.

Posted
God, I feel like such an idiot about this whole thing. I can't believe I could have been so stupid. :( And I really, really like this guy too. Here's the email I ended up sending him:

 

Hey ----,

 

How's the project going? I've been in this really intensive ---- class at --- all week, all day long. It's cool, although a bit brutal without a/c..

 

There's one thing that's kind of been on my mind because I don't think I explained it fully at the time. J--- (who I went to NY with) is just a friend...nothing more. He was a year behind me at ---- and we worked together on the college newspaper. His Dad got him two tickets for his birthday in early June and he invited me along because I'm a big --- fan. We wound up crashing at a friend's house in Brooklyn. Just in case you were puzzled by the whole thing. . . I'm really sorry if there was any misunderstanding.

 

Enjoy the rest of your time in -----...hope the weather is kind to you!

 

What do you guys think? Was that emphatic enough? Is there anything else I can do to further redeem the situation or am I basically screwed? :( Now I'm scared that the email will somehow piss him off more or scare him off because he'll think I want to be exclusive. I guess my worst fear is that he won't even respond to the email and then I'll be going crazy in my head.

 

I'd say your just plain screwed. You now email him feeling the need to explain that you crashed somewhere in NY with another guy, but he probably didn't hear a word from you..no phone call, nothing, during that whole time you were with this other guy did he?

 

What makes people think they can go off for a weekend with the opposite sex and think their bf/gf should be ok with that.

 

I think you need to face the fact that you messed up and honestly, I wouldn't really want to talk to you if I knew you spent the weekend with another guy. Not trying to be mean, just honest.

Posted
I agree with that; however her email also shows that she cares about his feelings....

 

Or he could be thinking, "she thinks I'm a fool" and may think that she thinks she can go off with another guy for a weekend, then come back and weasel her way back in with him.

 

No offense, but thats what I would think

Posted
People here are just second-guessing you a lot. You're encouraging them to overthink it with you.

 

But she asked what guys reactions would be to this and that is what she's getting though. Maybe it's a tough pill to swallow, sure.

 

OT: But when you are just starting to build a relationship, running off on a whirlwind weekend in NYC with some other guy isn't cool. Regardless of who's concert it was or how friends you are with this other guy. You should have taken the time to either explain it well before hand so no mistakes were made, **include him to going to NYC**, or turn the whole thing down flat out out of respect for him. Just put yourself in his shoes as to what he was thinking.....

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Posted
I'd say your just plain screwed. You now email him feeling the need to explain that you crashed somewhere in NY with another guy, but he probably didn't hear a word from you..no phone call, nothing, during that whole time you were with this other guy did he?

 

What makes people think they can go off for a weekend with the opposite sex and think their bf/gf should be ok with that.

 

I think you need to face the fact that you messed up and honestly, I wouldn't really want to talk to you if I knew you spent the weekend with another guy. Not trying to be mean, just honest.

 

Look, I realize I made a huge mistake, but there's no need to tell me something like "your just plain screwed." You know I'm feeling really depressed about this and regret my actions. I'm all for honesty but I already got your honest take on what I did earlier in the thread, and I don't see the point in a comment like that other than making somebody feel worse.

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Posted
You have no idea whether you've made things worse. You have no idea what is going through this guy's head. People here are just second-guessing you a lot. You're encouraging them to overthink it with you.

 

Just be patient and remember that this guy is probably not the secret to your whole life's happiness. The pain you're feeling is not even about how you feel about him. It's about how you feel about yourself. Try to go easier on yourself. You obviously mean well and if this guy is worth keeping he'll pick up on that.

 

Thanks for your advice. I agree with you that it's more about me than him. My low self esteem has always interfered in my relationships with guys. I'm working on it.

Posted
Look, I realize I made a huge mistake, but there's no need to tell me something like "your just plain screwed." You know I'm feeling really depressed about this and regret my actions. I'm all for honesty but I already got your honest take on what I did earlier in the thread, and I don't see the point in a comment like that other than making somebody feel worse.

 

Lighten up Shadow. As long as you learned something from this experience it's not a waste. We all make mistakes that seemed like a good idea at the time. This was one of yours, that's all. It won't break your life.

Posted

I'm telling you shadow, if he really really likes you, he won't just dissapear without at least attempting to talk things through. If he does dissapear it means that his interest level was pretty low. It takes a lot more than that to keep a guy that is truly interested away.

Posted
Look, I realize I made a huge mistake, but there's no need to tell me something like "your just plain screwed."

 

Uh, those are your words and I used them because you did. You asked, "Is there anything else I can do to further redeem the situation or am I basically screwed? " That is where the "your just plain screwed." came from.

 

You know I'm feeling really depressed about this and regret my actions. I'm all for honesty but I already got your honest take on what I did earlier in the thread, and I don't see the point in a comment like that other than making somebody feel worse.

 

You asked another question and I answered it.

 

Just move on and remember, if you like a guy, don't be going out with other guys.

Posted
I'm telling you shadow, if he really really likes you, he won't just dissapear without at least attempting to talk things through. If he does dissapear it means that his interest level was pretty low. It takes a lot more than that to keep a guy that is truly interested away.

 

I disagree. Guys who want a relationship with a woman and are truly worth their salt won't put up with their SO going off for the weekend with another guy.

 

I was VERY interested in the girl I saw back when I got out of college. She went to spend the weekend with an ex(presumably to do that before her and I got really serious) and I wasn't going to have any of it. I had my experience with girls like that and it was something I didn't want any part of. Yes, I was interested, very interested, but I wasn't going to be made a fool of.

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Posted

Another thing I should have mentioned in this thread is that he's moving to NY from Boston in the fall and he's starting to move Aug. 15 :eek: The thing is he knew he was moving before he asked me out. I'm also moving to NY eventually for other reasons but not until the Spring. I brought it up once when I last saw him. We were kissing and he said the he had had a crush on me since the first time we met back in March (we were in a class together). I said I had liked him too, and I thought this would be an appropriate time, so I added "too bad you're going to NY." His response was "Yeah, things could get pretty heavy (between us) by then, but I can visit you and you can visit me periodically." I'm just wondering how this whole move might complicate matters and could be another reason for him losing interest.

Posted

You know how we women obsess, and obsess.

 

And obsess.

 

You sent the email, you don't know how he feels about the infamous 'weekend' the concensus is he would not be pleased whether it put him completely off time will tell; you have got to calm down now, there is nothing much more you can do until you see him, so go out, enjoy the sunshine. Eat some icecream to make yourself feel better and recognise that que sera sera.

 

Zen,

Reckless

Posted
Another thing I should have mentioned in this thread is that he's moving to NY from Boston in the fall and he's starting to move Aug. 15 :eek: The thing is he knew he was moving before he asked me out. I'm also moving to NY eventually for other reasons but not until the Spring. I brought it up once when I last saw him. We were kissing and he said the he had had a crush on me since the first time we met back in March (we were in a class together). I said I had liked him too, and I thought this would be an appropriate time, so I added "too bad you're going to NY." His response was "Yeah, things could get pretty heavy (between us) by then, but I can visit you and you can visit me periodically." I'm just wondering how this whole move might complicate matters and could be another reason for him losing interest.

 

You really have done all you can. If a girl I was really into went on a weekend trip with another guy, I would be put off. But if she explained it to me how you explained it to him in your email, i still might be apprehensive, but I would not call it quits.

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Posted

Thanks, guys. I kind of feel like I need a slap in the face for being so hung up on this one guy. Whenever I meet a guy I like and lose them, I always feel on some level that another guy I like who's interested in me will never come along. That this is my only chance and I've blown it. How do you get out of that mentality? I envy men and the way they're able to compartmentalize their emotions.

Posted
You know how we women obsess, and obsess.

 

And obsess.

 

Tell me about it, I see it all over LS. And here I can't get a girl to give me 30 minutes of undivided attention. The world is unfair... where's my stalker??? I wanna be stalked :mad:

Posted
Thanks, guys. I kind of feel like I need a slap in the face for being so hung up on this one guy. Whenever I meet a guy I like and lose them, I always feel on some level that another guy I like who's interested in me will never come along. That this is my only chance and I've blown it. How do you get out of that mentality?

 

Uh...by not blowing it again. Its real simple. If you like a guy, don't hang around other guys and go away with them on the weekend.

Posted
Whenever I meet a guy I like and lose them, I always feel on some level that another guy I like who's interested in me will never come along. That this is my only chance and I've blown it. How do you get out of that mentality? I envy men and the way they're able to compartmentalize their emotions.

 

Well I hope you've learned from what you did & from this thread to avoid doing things like that in the future. Like I said in my earlier post I wouldn't leave a girl for something like that but alot of guys would so I think it's something you should keep in mind. Sorry if I sound harsh it isn't my intention, I mean what I'm saying in a good way.

 

Also I don't understand the bold part of what I quoted you on, can you please explain it further, sorry to go off topic.

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Posted

I've done my best not to obsess and distract myself but who am I kidding...I'm an obsessive person and if I don't write this out here I'll just be mulling over it in my head.

 

I've been thinking about the whole situation but it doesn't make much sense to me. Up until I sent him this email apologizing for the concert, he was friendly and in contact with me even though he already KNEW at that point that I had gone away with this friend and everything.

 

I last saw him on a Friday night eight days ago. At the end of the evening he said he had had a fantastic time. (He already knew about me going away with the guy at this point.) He sent me a text message the following night asking me how the concert had been and if I still needed a place to stay in NY because he could call a friend and try to find a place for me if there was a last minute emergency, which I thought was very sweet of him. Now, would he have really extended himself like this if he was totally pissed about me going?

 

I immediately sent him a text message back and the response was a bit stupid because I was tipsy at the time. (don't ask -- I somehow got drunk from one glass of beer at the concert on an empty stomach since I rarely drink :sick:). Here's what I wrote: "The concert was awesome. I think we found a place to stay but thanks for asking. NY is so f----ing amazing." That was Saturday night. By Monday night I was worried because I hadn't heard back from him again so I sent him a friendly text asking him how his project was going and he responded the next morning saying things were going great and the project was near completion and that he would send me pics. He emailed me pictures that evening. I thanked him for the pics and said the thing he was building looked amazing. That was Tuesday. Then I sent him that email on Thursday night and no word since... If he does indeed totally blow me off it seems that it was something about this email that did it since we were in friendly contact up until then, but I've reread the email a million times and it seems fairly innocuous and sweet.

 

I'm just going to paste it here again in case some of you didn't read the final version I ended up sending. I've changed some of names and places for privacy.

 

Hey Jack,

 

How's the project going? I've been in this really intensive art class at the MFA all week, all day long. It's cool, although a bit brutal without a/c..

 

There's one thing that's kind of been on my mind because I don't think I explained it fully at the time. David (who I went to NY with) is just a friend...nothing more. He was a year behind me at college and we worked together on the student newspaper. His Dad got him two tickets for his birthday in early June and he invited me along because I'm a big SY fan. We wound up crashing at a friend's house in Brooklyn. Just in case you were puzzled by the whole thing. . . I'm really sorry if there was any misunderstanding.

 

Enjoy the rest of your time in New Hampshire...hope the weather is kind to you!

 

-[My name]

 

I thought I struck the right balance of light and serious in the email, and it seemed pretty warm. I guess the main thing confusing me is it just seems out of character for him to blow me off because of the thing with that guy, especially after I made an attemmpt to explain and apologize. I can see a lot of guys doing that, but he's not the type to get easily offended or just blow somebody off without a word. It's not his style.

 

Here's another possible scenario. Imagine he's been involved with another girl all along and assumed we weren't exclusive. Then he gets this email from me and freaks out because the implication is that I think we're exclusive.

 

Another thing I should mention is that he's always been a bit flakey and erratic. Before we started going out he cancelled on me once and disappeared for like two weeks to another state to get away from his bipolar mother. Keep in mind he was the one who initiated things with me to begin with.

 

This is the reason I keep obsessing...because it doesn't make much sense and there are any number of things that could have turned him off. Frankly, I really wish I felt confident that it WAS the concert thing because then at least I would have an answer and some closure on the situation. But the individual circumstances and the nature of his personality don't necessarily point in that direction.

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