brightskies Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Does taking a break help? Or is it just a prelude to really breaking up? Does it increase emotional distance between you and your partner or does the time apart help you see things in persepective? Does the perspective gained ever enhance the relationship or does it just lead to throwing in the towel? From reading different posts it just seems that things get so much more complicated, not easier, after a temporary break. Especially if another party gets involved. But even if you both don't meet new people, what were your results?
bradford Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Taking a break is something people do to prep for an actual break up. Breaking up is hard, because life without the person is a tough concept at first .. so this allows you to take a peak without fully committing to the notion all at once. But usually, once you get a taste of it, and find out it's not all that scary once the initial shock settles, and actually a whole heck of a lot better than the broken relationship was, of course the other shoe drops and it ends. Maybe it can go another way, but it hasn't for me.
jcster Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I think that generally speaking, taking a break is a prelude to the actual break up. If you were really into the relationship, you wouldn't want a break! Also, having a "practice" breakup only makes the final breakup that much easier.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 i don't think this is the kind of question that has an answer. some people say 'let's take a break' to their partners because they know they want to break up, but aren't fully ready to make the split, or they want to make it seem not as hopeless for the person who doesn't want the break. i think if both agree to a break, it could be that they decided to take some time after some problems maybe, and see if they are happier/safer/better/miserable without each other. then one or both decide to get back together or not. still, some people take a 'break' so they can screw someone without being in a relationship, then the next day, the 'break' ends and the relationship begins again. see what i mean?
Lizzie60 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 It all depends on why a 'break' would be good for the relationship... if there is a third party involved (then that's bad news)... the length of the break... etc. I think, in some cases, when there is no one else involved but the 2 partners, it could be good... but it has to be for a short period of time. I know a couple, who are very much in love, I don't know exactly what happened...but what they did (last year)... they live apart during the week... and would get together during the weekend... and discuss about the 'problem'... They did that for 3 weeks... it worked for them... they've been inseparable since... and I think they worked out whatever problem they had. Now they're expecting their first baby... and they are an amazing beautiful couple.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I know a couple, who are very much in love, I don't know exactly what happened...but what they did (last year)... they live apart during the week... and would get together during the weekend... and discuss about the 'problem'... They did that for 3 weeks... it worked for them... they've been inseparable since... and I think they worked out whatever problem they had. Now they're expecting their first baby... and they are an amazing beautiful couple. see? so breaks aren't always so bad. i just loved that story lizzie, it's nice to hear about a couple who actually worked on something and made an effort rather than expecting it to come easy and be all roses, all the time, and then throwing in the towel and the blame when it isn't so perfect.
Lizzie60 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 see? so breaks aren't always so bad. i just loved that story lizzie, it's nice to hear about a couple who actually worked on something and made an effort rather than expecting it to come easy and be all roses, all the time, and then throwing in the towel and the blame when it isn't so perfect. For a break to be beneficial, it has to be for a good reason... if it's because one partner wants to see what's outside... then that's not good... For the kind of break I'm just described, the 2 partners have to be committed... be very much in love... really want their relationship to be their priority... This couple has been together for 9 years now... they very much know each other, they are both extremely intelligent people... very mature, he's 39, she's 31. Communication is their priority... they needed, I guess, to miss one another... it worked....but like I say, it only depends on the reason, and it has to be for a short period...and each partner has to remain faithful... otherwise a break won't work... and since most people are not that 'mature' and serious in their relationship, a break rarely 'fix' the problem.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Communication is their priority... they needed, I guess, to miss one another... it worked....but like I say, it only depends on the reason, and it has to be for a short period...and each partner has to remain faithful... otherwise a break won't work... and since most people are not that 'mature' and serious in their relationship, a break rarely 'fix' the problem. absolutely, well said
kandygirl Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 brightskies, my boyfriend and i took a "break" about 3 months into our relationship. it was hard, but i stayed strong and toughed it out. i figured that it was his "easy way out" but i was wrong. in a little short time, we started moving forward with our relationship again and now at 10 months we're living together. see? it dosen't always have to be a bad thing
oppath Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I what Lizzie described is less of a break and more of a "we are having a problem, but we both want to work it out and are committed to that. Let's give each other enough space so we can miss each other a bit, and so we can be stress free when we are trying to deal with the problem." If a break is to see what else is out there -- and a lot of people in their young/mid 20's go through this -- it is flat out insulting. anyone who says "I haven't really gotten to experience the single life, and need to do that before settling down" should be let go. take that as a breakup.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I what Lizzie described is less of a break and more of a "we are having a problem, but we both want to work it out and are committed to that. Let's give each other enough space so we can miss each other a bit, and so we can be stress free when we are trying to deal with the problem." If a break is to see what else is out there -- and a lot of people in their young/mid 20's go through this -- it is flat out insulting. anyone who says "I haven't really gotten to experience the single life, and need to do that before settling down" should be let go. take that as a breakup. sounds like a break to me. either way, there is a pause in how things usually are in the relationship while someone or both people step back a little bit. even if it ends up in a break-up, the break itself is still a step toward it. you either get back together or you don't.
Replicant Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 If the two people in question care for one another. Being given the option of a 'Break' is ridiculous. The person whom even suggests such is either fishing for alternate options in life or love, or considering things without the other person in the picture. Instead of really working on things and growing with the other person, which would be more a sign of commitment and strength in a relationship, no matter what stage and length into it. Breaks are just another weak approach to dealing with things or the gentle slope to into an actual break-up. Breaks are an indefinite time-out and offer no such goals or time frame into fixing things. Breaks are just like a 'maybe' when asked a yes or no question. Who the heck wants to wait for someone like that, and the outcome is never certain anyways.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 If the two people in question care for one another. Being given the option of a 'Break' is ridiculous. The person whom even suggests such is either fishing for alternate options in life or love, or considering things without the other person in the picture. Instead of really working on things and growing with the other person, which would be more a sign of commitment and strength in a relationship, no matter what stage and length into it. Breaks are just another weak approach to dealing with things or the gentle slope to into an actual break-up. Breaks are an indefinite time-out and offer no such goals or time frame into fixing things. Breaks are just like a 'maybe' when asked a yes or no question. Who the heck wants to wait for someone like that, and the outcome is never certain anyways. have you ever proofread your own paper, and you would swear there are no mistakes? then you put that paper away, go do something else for a while. get back to the paper the next day and you find all sorts of mistakes that were missed the first time, because you had your own words in your head and were reading them the way you thought it was in front of you. it's kind of like that. sometimes you need to step back from something in order to see it clearly again. if you're not willing to work on a relationship no matter what it takes, then you don't want the relationship at all, and that includes respecting someone's need for space and time to think. if you don't care enough about someone to respect their wishes, don't be in a relationship with them. that goes for both sides.
uniqueone Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I think when you're in a relationship, it's like this spell you're under. It's like you're on a merry-go-round. Let's say the merry-go-round looked really pretty and inviting at first. You got on it and it was fun. You get addicted to its rhythm, music and colors and feel like you're in a fantasy world. But then after months and months of going round and round, you're getting dizzy and aren't sure what's real anymore and you really feel you need to get off for a bit to rest. Only it's going so fast you can't. Then...the ride operator FINALLY decides to take a restroom break and so you cautiously step off of it, even though you're a bit weak in the knees. It takes you awhile to get your bearings as to where you are, what you want to do and to just think but you do after just sitting there relaxing and contemplating. After about a week, you pass by the merry-go-round. You miss the rhythm, colors and music you'd gotten so used to and it looks really inviting. But you're not sure if you want to get back on. Now that you're off, you've seen a lot of other things that you might want to do. You'll keep coming by to visit the merry-go-round though because it's what you called "home" for quite some time..it's familiar. Eventually though, you might end up finding a new "home" and that's when you stop visiting the merry go round so much.
Lizzie60 Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Eventually though, you might end up finding a new "home" and that's when you stop visiting the merry go round so much. or what you call your new 'home' could be just another 'merry-go-round'...
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I like that analogy UO i do too, UO. that was really good.
Replicant Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 have you ever proofread your own paper, and you would swear there are no mistakes? then you put that paper away, go do something else for a while. get back to the paper the next day and you find all sorts of mistakes that were missed the first time, because you had your own words in your head and were reading them the way you thought it was in front of you. it's kind of like that. sometimes you need to step back from something in order to see it clearly again. if you're not willing to work on a relationship no matter what it takes, then you don't want the relationship at all, and that includes respecting someone's need for space and time to think. if you don't care enough about someone to respect their wishes, don't be in a relationship with them. that goes for both sides. Yes i see what you are saying. It does in the sense it is human nature to sometimes second guess things after the fact. To wonder the 'what if' i did this or that or 'change this' kinda things etc...if mistakes were made. So to this point i agree yes if both parties want to work on it, whatever it takes should be a joint deal. Which is progression, and likely the problems worked out and not ever resurface. If so you both know better how to deal. But these breaks to me are very cowardly approaches to dealing with things. Most cases seem to come off as being more one sided and selfish. Leaving the other person to basically stay in a holding pattern while the other makes up their mind or deals with the problems personally? What does that say about that persons ability to mutually work out problems say 5...10 years down the road? Not a whole lot. But more often than not breaks are just excuses to make relationships fade to grey while something else is going on in the meantime.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 Most cases seem to come off as being more one sided and selfish. Leaving the other person to basically stay in a holding pattern while the other makes up their mind or deals with the problems personally? true, true. the other person does have the right to say that they aren't agreeing to a break though, even if the other side of that is total break-up. both people still have options. not to mention that if someone isn't willing to give you what you need (a break in this case) that doesn't say much for that person either in terms of trying to work something out. that applies only if the break is a genuinely necessary relationship-fixer attempt, and not a way to sly slip out of being with someone.
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