snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 We have been together for 12 years and married for 9. We never had a good sex life and he used porn to get by while I used a vibrator. Early in our relationship I asked him several times about it - but never got a straight answer (he always said that he loved me) and in the end I assumed he just didn't have a big interest in sex. I guess I decided to live with it and always hoped that it would get better. 3 weeks ago I found out he has been having an affair for the last year and he admitted to me that he has never had any sexual desire for me even though he loves me. He had a strong catholic upbringing and admitted to having several platonic relationships with past girlfriends. I don't know whether there is some deeper psycological issue that he has and whether this is something that can be resolved or whether I just need to accept there is no chemistry from his part and just move on and find someone who does want to be with me? There are of course the added complications of 3 1/2 year old twins and what all this could mean for them.
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Sounds a bit like a Madonna/Whore syndrome to me.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 He loves you, but not in the way a husband should love his wife. It seems he has platonic love for you, like he did for his previous girlfriends. He may not be able to mix sex and love together, which is why he's sleeping with someone else that he doesn't love, but can have sex with her. If that makes any sense... Or, you two are just not right for eachother. Do you want to fix your marriage with him, for the sake of your kids, or get a divorce?
Author snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 i don't know what i want right now. the affair is confusing me because i wish he had come to me first to talk the issue through and we could have tried to deal with it. but now i have the added hurt that he was lying to me for a year - and i am not sure i can see past that behaviour now. it all seems to hard to fix - but on the other hand i hate to throw away something that maybe could be better if we tried and would certainly be better for the kids.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 The thing is, was this woman there just for sex, or does he have true feelings for her as well? Is he showing you remorse? Is he sorry that he cheated? Has the affair stopped or does he still see the OW?
Author snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 it is hard to tell. he described it as an emotional connection and i do think he has feelings for her. he broke it off with her in may when i didn't get a promotion at work. but they still called each other until 2 weeks ago when he told her that he needed space to work out things with me. i asked him if he loved her why didn't he just go to her - his response was that he would have done that already if that is what he wanted.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Well, he has to NOT cheat on you at all, not emotionally or physically! Get some marriage counselling in... The other thing is, he has to give you his email passwords, allow you access to his cellphone bill etc, so you can check up on him. Just because he has told you he's told her to back off, doesn't mean their affair is over. The OW, if she has feelings for him, WILL be trying to contact him again and again. It's rare that the OW and the MM stop completely after DDay (discovery day.) so keep your eyes open. Can I ask, how did you find out? Did he just confess to you or did you catch him or read something that brought the A to your attention?
Author snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 we have the same mobile phones and i picked his up by accident to send a text. i noticed a text message which had a strange name attached to it '.umartin' - so i looked at it and it read 'hope you are ok. x'. so i called the number from a payphone up the street from the house and a woman answered. i hung up and then went home and confronted him. over that first week it all came out. actually all the signs were there - weekends away, staying at the 'company flat', very distanced from me. but i was going through a big promotion process at work and was also working hard and managing the twins - i never really paid much attention to it sadly. i should have known much earlier.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Well, I'm sure the last thing on your mind was your H cheating on you, let alone living a lie and betraying you for so long. Don't blame yourself that you didn't see the red flags. Just be glad that NOW you know the truth. Is the OW married or in a relationship as well? If she is, and you and your H are planning to fix the marriage, go to counselling together, and she tries to contact him again, tell her H about the affair.
Author snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 the OW is single and hasn't been with many men. she believes my H is the one for her and she will be waiting there for him.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Because of that, they more than likely are still in contact. She's waiting in the wings, hoping your marriage will fail so she can have him for herself. There's no way she's gonna sit idle and wait without contacting him.
Lizzie60 Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 We have been together for 12 years and married for 9. We never had a good sex life and he used porn to get by while I used a vibrator. Early in our relationship I asked him several times about it - but never got a straight answer (he always said that he loved me) and in the end I assumed he just didn't have a big interest in sex. I guess I decided to live with it and always hoped that it would get better. 3 weeks ago I found out he has been having an affair for the last year and he admitted to me that he has never had any sexual desire for me even though he loves me. He had a strong catholic upbringing and admitted to having several platonic relationships with past girlfriends. I don't know whether there is some deeper psycological issue that he has and whether this is something that can be resolved or whether I just need to accept there is no chemistry from his part and just move on and find someone who does want to be with me? There are of course the added complications of 3 1/2 year old twins and what all this could mean for them. All those years and you never questioned his behaviour more than that... I guess you let the problem escalated to a point of non return. Sorry to be harsh...but you should have dealt with that the very first year... not 9 years later... it's kind of late now... I get 'hot flashes' when I hear things like : He had a strong catholic upbringing and admitted to having several platonic relationships with past girlfriends. What does catholic upbringing has to do with this... some of those 'hard core' catholics are the worst... trust me, priests, brothers, etc... I think you just got 'nonchalant', both of you, about your marriage... and just thought that everything would be fine 'till death do us part'.
Author snapper Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 that suggestion that he has some kind of madonna/whore complex may ring true. if he really loved her why hasn't he left me? i think he likes her but when it comes down to it he headed over to her house just for the sex. my problem is that i don't know if i want to stick around and try to see if he can work through this complex or if i should just move on now and look for my own happiness. i guess what i am struggling with is will i ever be happy with him now - and i don't know the answer to that one. i am hoping a week at a turkish beach resort by myself will help me to clear my head!
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 i think he likes her but when it comes down to it he headed over to her house just for the sex So, with this in mind - Your husband is keeping another woman around for sex. SHE, the OW, thinks HE is the one for her, is inlove with him and he is allowing this woman to fall for him. Sorry to say this, but your H is very selfish. He seems to not care that he's cheating on you, and he seems to not care about the OW, as he is using her for sex knowing she has feelings for him. I doubt very much he has told her the truth either... IF he is willing to get help for his madonna/whore issues, focus on fixing the marriage, BE a husband to you in every way, then I say yes, give him a second chance. BUT, if he refuses to end it with the OW, or lies to you, and keeps seeing her, he shouldn't be married!
East of Jupiter Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 So, with this in mind - Your husband is keeping another woman around for sex. SHE, the OW, thinks HE is the one for her, is inlove with him and he is allowing this woman to fall for him. Sorry to say this, but your H is very selfish. He seems to not care that he's cheating on you, and he seems to not care about the OW, as he is using her for sex knowing she has feelings for him. I doubt very much he has told her the truth either... IF he is willing to get help for his madonna/whore issues, focus on fixing the marriage, BE a husband to you in every way, then I say yes, give him a second chance. BUT, if he refuses to end it with the OW, or lies to you, and keeps seeing her, he shouldn't be married! For Lizzie -- issues arising out of being a catholic are not limited to the sexual. I agree that this appears to be a Maddona/Whore Complex: According to Freudian psychology, this complex often develops when the sufferer is raised by a cold and distant mother. Such a man will often court womem with qualities of his mother, hoping to fulfill a need for intimacyunmet in childhood. Often, the wife begins to be seen as mother to the husband— a Madonna figure — and thus not a possible object of sexual attraction. For this reason, in the mind of the sufferer ove and sex cannot be mixed, and the man is reluctant to have sexual relations with his wife, for that, he thinks unconsciously, would be as incest. He will reserve sexuality for "bad" or "dirty" women, and will not develop "normal" feelings of love in these sexual relationships. Popularly, the term is used to describe an unsatisfiable desire by a man to have his wife or other female partner exhibit both of these mutually exclusive traits. This introduces a dilemma where men may feel unable to love any women that can satisfy them sexually and are unable to be sexually satisfied by any women that they can love. Alternatively, the term is to describe or attempt to justify the behavior of men who pursue multiple women as a way of fulfilling each of these needs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex
East of Jupiter Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I want to also add that people with a history of being sexually abused may also exhibit this behavior. Some are indoctrinated into thinking that sex is "dirty" and bad and shameful. I also personally know two women who later found out that their husband was gay despite their womanizing. The womanizing was a further attempt to deny what they deemed as a character flaw, homosexuality. Having said all of those things, I believe your husband needs therapy and I think you should see someone as well. Good luck to you.
East of Jupiter Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 One more thing, don't allow anyone to convince you that having loved this man enough to accept his lack of sexuality is somehow a bad reflection on you. Don't we all wish we could be loved as unconditionally.
Brad_from_NJ Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Don't take this the wrong way, but I think if you guys are really good friends, and can wrap this up on good terms, he will be a great ex-husband and father to his kids. Sorry things have not worked out.
Citizen Erased Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I may only be a psych student, but I do know that the Psychology Community pretty much thinks Freud is a bunch of bull, not to mention the OP's husband does not fit bill of the Madonna Whore complex. She has stated that her husband experienced an emotional connection with this OW. Men suffering under the MWC are typically meant to only be able to have sex with a woman they have no emotional connection with, otherwise they obviously have the same problems they have with their wife. He has shown he has an emotional connection, most notable being that he failed a few times to end the relationship. If he was just in it for the sex he would just end the relationship and go into another. MWC's will jump from woman to woman without a thought.
East of Jupiter Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 I may only be a psych student, but I do know that the Psychology Community pretty much thinks Freud is a bunch of bull, not to mention the OP's husband does not fit bill of the Madonna Whore complex. She has stated that her husband experienced an emotional connection with this OW. Men suffering under the MWC are typically meant to only be able to have sex with a woman they have no emotional connection with, otherwise they obviously have the same problems they have with their wife. He has shown he has an emotional connection, most notable being that he failed a few times to end the relationship. If he was just in it for the sex he would just end the relationship and go into another. MWC's will jump from woman to woman without a thought. I think you need to re-read the definition of the MWC. Since we don't know this man or the totality of his feelings and actions, we are only guessing at best. But you are right, maybe he is just as he appears. A guy who married his best friend he can't have sex with and stays married for a long time until he finds another best friend to have sex with. No, nothing hinky about that.
Pippi Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Snapper, for the most part I can relate to your life. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 1 and we too do not have sex. Husband has always told me that there is no sexual chemistry between us and we gave up trying. I honestly thought it would get better (stupid girl) and it hasn't. 2 weeks ago he told me that he's addicted to Porn and that's how he has been satisfying himself our entire relationship. I have been going to counselling for the last 2 months and in my mind I have decided to move on but husband asked me to wait, as he is now going to counselling and thinks he will get better. Don't know how that's going to happen as in my opinion you either have chemistry or you don't. I don't want to waste any more years on this and want to be with someone who wants me on all levels.
Inmyopinion Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Heres a reality question too.. What does she look like? What do you look like?
Mrs.C. Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 the OW is single and hasn't been with many men. she believes my H is the one for her and she will be waiting there for him. tell your husband if she did it with him she'll do it to him
Jojo_2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Many men lose interest in sex with their wives after a time. This is one reason porn is a billion dollar business. But to have it so early in the marriage is rare or at least reacting to it by having affairs is rare. Most men would snuggle up to the computer for a sexual outlet, especially if they have young kids. It may very well be Madonna/Whore which is more common, but not exclusive in Catholic men. One thing you have to remember about Madonna/Whore is that the man is not conciously aware of why he feels the way he does. His sex drive hasn't changed, all he knows is he can no longer get aroused by his wife. Some men may only have an "uneasy" feeling when they have sex with their wives. Others may be surprised by sexual dysfunctions such as the inability to ejaculate or keep and/or hold an erection- both of these are caused by his low state of arousal. Like I said many men will turn to porn and masturbation but a few, especially macho types whose self esteem is located between their legs, may go looking for a "whore" to prove that his manhood is still working. Of course I don't mean whore in the literal sense although that is possible, I mean a woman he can pursue, catch, have sex with and then, once conquered, move onto the next one. Some men can ONLY get aroused by the chase and the capture and this is not just limited to Madonna/Whore men. Once a woman succumbs to their charms and agrees to intercourse, after one or two encounters the sexual (Madonna) symptoms set in again and he must move on. Intimacy in a relationship triggers unconcious thoughts of his mother which in turn shuts down his sexual systems. In these men intimacy causes anxiety, stress and sexual dysfunction.
marlena Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Dear, The fact alone that this man has not wanted sex with you for nine years (correct me if I am mistaken) is reason enough to walk away. It is something you should have considered earlier on in the marriage. Like some other poster said you both became very complacent in your marriage. If you both agreed to stay in the marriage despite the lack of physical love, then, yes, maybe it could last "til death do you part". The fact that he is having sex with someone else whilst denying you the pleasure for nine years is simply cruel. And you shouldn't enable any man to do this to you. You deserve to be loved as a woman. You know you do! No vibe in the world can take replace good old- fashioned intimate loving. I'm sorry but I think your marriage is not fixable...with or without the OW. As for your children, I am sure they deserve to have a strong and independent mother rather than an unfullfilled and frustrated one. when all is said and done, freeing yourself from this loveless marriage may be the best gift you can offer yourself and your children.
Recommended Posts