Gah...I'm falling apart...did i screw up?

[shadowplay]

There's a lot to read, but if you do I will be eternally grateful. I really need some advice/support. Thanks!

 

So I just started dating this guy and I'm falling apart. We've only been on four dates but knew each other from class over the spring. I can't stop feeling depressed and obsessed. I think I may have screwed up. See the thing is I really like him, and he's the first guy I've dated who I've felt this strongly for. Whenever something seems slightly negative in the way he relates to me I freak out (only internally of course; I have a poker face on the surface). Up until recently I thought he felt the same about me, but little things over the last few days have made me wonder. I can't even tell if I'm being paranoid or not; I just know that I'm completely falling apart at the seams. I've tried talking about it with my friends but none of them seem to understand what I'm going through.

 

I've written a few threads about him. The story is that we met in this class, at first i thought he might like me, but then i thought he didn't, he kept blowing me hot and cold. i was pretty aloof throughout because i wasn't sure if i liked him. (I didn't develop real feelings for him until our first date.) then one day he imed me and asked me out when the class ended. i went on a date with him which was a bit awkward because i was nervous. he kissed me during our second date and he seemed to really enjoy it. things went from there. he did a lot little things that made me think he was interested like bring food, chocolate and wine one night unexpectedly when we went to an outdoor play, wait in line hours before a movie to get us tickets, go out of his way to help me with things...etc. Then the last night we saw each other (this past friday) he took me to the beach at night and we made out in the sand. while we were kissing he told me I was really beautiful up close and that he had had a crush on me from like the second class. i told him i had always thought he was very smart and liked intelligent guys. then i added 'it's too bad you're going to ny'...(he's moving to ny in september. i'm also moving there in the spring). he said 'yeah, things could get pretty heavy (between us) by then. but i can visit you and you can visit me periodically.' that was the first time we had ever talked about 'us' as a couple or alluded to our future.

 

as it so happens he's also away in another state this week to do a project for work. he went away for a week to work on the same project after our second date. so at the end of our date on friday i casually asked him when he expected to be back from the trip and he was kind of vague just saying 'well i'll call you when i'm there and when i get back' which i thought was a little strange. but maybe he just didn't know since the length of his stay kept on changing last time he was gone for the week as the project took longer than expected. so that was the first thing that worried me a bit.

 

Things got more complicated because I happened to be going to NY myself this past Saturday (the day after our last date) to see a concert with a friend. The complicating factor is that this friend is male. I mentioned my friend's gender to the guy I was seeing on Friday night but didn't get into the whole 'don't worry, he's just a friend' thing because I didn't know how to bring it up. We haven't discussed our relationship really and that would put everything on the table which I didn't want to do. Basically I just said to him 'yeah, so my friend and I are still looking for a place to stay in NY. We're thinking of staying with his relatives.' Now I'm wondering if it was a bad idea to tell him that and not explain further. Anyway, on Saturday night, the day after our last date, he texted me "hey k--, how's the concert? do you still need a place to stay? i can probably call one of my friends in ny for you to shack up with if there's a last minute emergency and you can't find a place. ttyl. --m" I was drunk at the time and texted back "hey, the concert was awesome. i think we found a place but thanks. ny is so f***ing amazing." i don't know why i used "f***ing" but it was probably because i was quite drunk at the time.

 

then i didn't hear from him again and by monday night i was freaking out. finally i caved and sent him a casual text at midnight that went "how's v---? i just got back from ny. spent a bit of time in w---, which was surprisingly laidback. hope things are going well for you. ttyl. --k" Of course I couldn't sleep that night wondering why he hadn't replied yet. Then I get a response the next morning at 11: "So you've discovered the chillness of w---. I miss it but not the rent. The project's almost done and it hasn't rained! I'll send pics. --m" Then that night around 9 he sent me an email with some pics of what he was building attached. I waited two hours and then emailed him this response "hey thanks. the (name of his project) looks amazing! it must be exciting to see the culmination of all your hard work. --k" So that was last night and I haven't heard from him since. The last time he went away to work on this project for a week he imed/emailed me briefly three times over the course of the week saying when he expected to be back because the date kept changing and alluding to us making plans for our next date. that trip was after our second date when we had our first kiss.

 

I can't stop obsessing over this, or what i did wrong or what he's thinking. I have this sinking feeling I won't hear from him for weeks until right before he moves and then he'll be like "oops, looks like i have to go now." Or when we see each other he'll act all cold and break things off or string me along or.... Gah, I can't deal with this. I just don't understand this whole situation. And this is literally ALL I can think about. I feel so empty and no matter how hard i try to distract myself it doesn't help. Of course he's blissfully unaware I'm going through all this because I tend to keep my feelings pretty reserved around guys. The reality is if I shared my true feelings with guys half the time they'd probably go running for the hills, so it's a good thing that I don't.

 

Btw, I should mention that we haven't had sex. We've only done some heavy petting over clothes the last time we saw each other. But I was wondering if even that might have been too far?? (I touched his crotch through his pants briefly after he did the same to me).

[fatal2myself]

i know exactly what you mean. my current boyfriend has to take long-distance and term trips also. he's kinda technologically challenged so he doesn't have email or a cell and i can't afford long distance or collect so i can literally be left in the dark about what he's doing and when he's going to be home for any amount of time! it sucks and is really hard sometimes, but it's worth it!

 

i know me saying "relax, every thing's gonna be ok" will do nothing because i also know that, yes, there is always a very slight chance that will nag at the corner of your brain until he gets back and proves me right. (it happens to me every single time my boyfriend goes away or even if i haven't seen him for a couple days. yes, obsessive. i know!)

 

it all comes down to this:

 

forget the risk, take the fall.

if it's meant to be, it's worth it all.

 

oh, and trust him AND yourself!

[highsierra]

I think you should just step back and let him come to you... Obsessiveness freaks out us guys just as much as I'm sure it does to you ladies. You gotta remember that your mind will tell you all kinds of lies that you start to believe....and I mean ALOT! You don't know exactly how busy/stressed he is, oe what his frame of mind so stop telling yourself that he's not interested... Another thing... I dont know how long you've been dating...But If it's been months, and no sex and the guy is sticking around, there's probably a good likelyhood that there's something there, and just be patient with him...If not, at least you didn't give it up to him, so It'll be easier for you to get over him if things don't pan out. You've just got to try and think about other things and let it go... believe me if he's into you, he'll come around, especially if you make him long to contact you (in other words don't text or call, let him make the move)

 

Hope that helps... I know how you feel, even being a guy. Just relax and let things happen and focus on not feeling so obsessive, as that's what will make things worse (both for you and him)

[shadowplay]

I think you should just step back and let him come to you... Obsessiveness freaks out us guys just as much as I'm sure it does to you ladies. You gotta remember that your mind will tell you all kinds of lies that you start to believe....and I mean ALOT! You don't know exactly how busy/stressed he is, oe what his frame of mind so stop telling yourself that he's not interested... Another thing... I dont know how long you've been dating...But If it's been months, and no sex and the guy is sticking around, there's probably a good likelyhood that there's something there, and just be patient with him...If not, at least you didn't give it up to him, so It'll be easier for you to get over him if things don't pan out. You've just got to try and think about other things and let it go... believe me if he's into you, he'll come around, especially if you make him long to contact you (in other words don't text or call, let him make the move)

 

Hope that helps... I know how you feel, even being a guy. Just relax and let things happen and focus on not feeling so obsessive, as that's what will make things worse (both for you and him)

 

hey, thanks for the advice. The truth is I never let mysel reveal any of this obsessiveness to the guys I'm with cause I know it would scare them off. We've only been dating for just over a month and gone on four dates since he's away a lot. But we knew each other a bit before because we were in a class together over the spring. We're both 23.

[shadowplay]

any other opinions? this thing is tearing me apart.