The OW

[East of Jupiter]

First of all I am very sorry to read you have so much on your plate, that is a lot to deal with at once. And sometimes I get bogged down over sucj petty daily things, I read something like you have just shared and I am ashamed for dwelling on stupidity in my life when there are real things people have to suffer through that we tend to forget.

 

You know I can totally see what you are saying about the trackers and I can see how that could become somewhat addictive, I won't even venture I know myself too well...gees LS alone has become quite addictive for me, never mind trackers .

 

But I will answer you honestly since I have no reason to lie. At first yes I was somewhat concerned with wanting to know things about him, never about his W. If only I have thought about ways to contact her would be to express my regret in having let the situation with her H happen, I had mini daydreams about doing that but it's part of the catharasis of dealing with my own feelings of shame and guilt about my part in the situation.

 

But I know that it wouldn't matter, I don't think my thoughts at this point would be welcomed, and might even be seen as crocodile tears. As far as wanting to know about her or them, the feelings are only as real as the natural curiosity we have as human beings but I understand that what I had was with him and what he has with his W is of no concern to me

I have no right to find ways to educate myself on two people's lives that

are completely independant of my life. It just so happens I had something with the man, but that is done. It is their life and my life now and the two don't meet.

 

So to contact her or to know about them or to pass by their house or to call their house or crazy things like that I have no desire for that sort of thing. I guess it boils down to acceptance, and I have 100% accepted that part of my life is over, and should stay in the past.

 

I understand TC. I am not without my own past. But to be honest, I felt much like you did. And even if I was curious, I would never do anything to hurt anyone.

 

You sound like you are in a good place now and have a good dispostion about things.

[East of Jupiter]

I missed this post. THIS is what I was getting at but did not know how to put it out there in a way that you would not think I was undermining your thoughts about what she was doing. You see that's just it, what harm can it do you for her to know about your life, how will this truly affect you? that's just it, that's what I meant by allowing yourself to give her actions more importance than need be. I don't however think you should offer ANY information about your life. Your life is yours and of no concern to her coming from your mouth, or fingers. But if she wants to perpetuate her tie to you and your H after all this time the harm is for her, not for you. She is living in her own hell. Does that make sense?

And I can certainly appreciate your feeling of creepiness it is INDEED very creepy, I can empathise with that.

 

Have this ever happened to you? It's like someone reading your diary or looking in your windows. That's how it feels. And I just DON'T WANT TO SHARE anything with this woman.

 

I am a loner by nature and very selective about company. I can be open here so long as I feel anonymous.

 

 

YIKES!

 

I was interrupted. Our Ford caught fire in the driveway. Thank goodness a neighbor called the Fire Department and that they are literally a stone's throw away. Truck is a total loss. Scared the heck out of the kids and our old dog but everyone is okay.

 

Talk about perspective.

[whichwayisup]

Again, unless I don't know what the meaning of harassment is then simply looking at a profile or things you put up for people to see online is not a harrasing act.

 

Bottomline, it feels like harrassment to East of Jupiter, so it's harrassment. It upsets her that this OW is checking up on her, online. It's creepy, it's nosy and makes her feel like she can't trust anyone online.

[whichwayisup]

Wow! Talk about a random thing just happening! Sorry that you lost your truck...Glad you're all okay.

[Tomcat33]

WOW EOJ how did your car spontaneously catch fire?!?

Thank goodness everyone is fine. What a weird thing to happen..

 

Have this ever happened to you? It's like someone reading your diary or looking in your windows. That's how it feels. And I just DON'T WANT TO SHARE anything with this woman.

 

I am a loner by nature and very selective about company. I can be open here so long as I feel anonymous.

 

 

I understand what you are saying, I do. I can't say I have ever had anyone follow me around or stalk me. Though this last experience with my ex was the closest I have felt to feeling persecuted. And I can totally apreciate how that really messes with your head. For a while after this happend, any time someone would contact me that was not someone I knew I atomatically assumed it was him. It did become a bit of an obsession trying to figure out who was him and who was really someone else. So I can see how that is getting to you. But since there is really nothing you can do about here looking for you online you have to do it for yourself, and you have to tell yourself, "my life went on. I am with my family and we are making the best go at it" she is no longer and intruder to my life no matter how much she wants to know about me.

 

You sound like you are in a good place now and have a good dispostion about things

 

Yup I am in a good place, I still have my days here and there, but overall I am in a good place getting to a better one. I have mental clarity that's half the battle

 

Bottomline, it feels like harrassment to East of Jupiter, so it's harrassment. It upsets her that this OW is checking up on her, online. It's creepy, it's nosy and makes her feel like she can't trust anyone online.

 

Bottom line is I agreed on all that, not sure why you feel the need to reiterate what I have already said?!?

 

And about the "if it feels like it, it IS". that's not true. I could feel like you are harassing me every time you quote things about me on here but that could be furthest from the truth.

 

Jeesh! No one here is interested in reading War and Peace!

 

Speak for yourself!! Granted, Harlequin Romance might be an easy read but you get so much more out of Tolstoy's long but timeless classic.

[East of Jupiter]

But since there is really nothing you can do about here looking for you online you have to do it for yourself, and you have to tell yourself, "my life went on. I am with my family and we are making the best go at it" she is no longer and intruder to my life no matter how much she wants to know about me.

 

I hear ya? But I don't agree. So long as she is dogging my every step on line she continues to be an intruder in my life. That I can ignore it does not mean negate her actions.

 

I have been a patient and gracious ex-BW all along. I have understood her pain and anger over what my husband did. But you know wrong is wrong and I have had enough.

 

Further TC just because it is not a "crime" it doesn't mean that I don't feel harassed. I think you missed that point and I'm not sure why. We are talking about how I "feel" and that's not up for interpretation.

 

And actually, I can do something about it. I just haven't decided what.

[East of Jupiter]

Bottomline, it feels like harrassment to East of Jupiter, so it's harrassment. It upsets her that this OW is checking up on her, online. It's creepy, it's nosy and makes her feel like she can't trust anyone online.

 

If you read about online stalking (and that is what she is doing), you see that my feelings are very normal. They also identify her type.

 

I'm going to do some legal research of my own.

 

Thanks for understanding. That may be all I get but since I don't discuss this outside of this forum, that may be what I need.

[East of Jupiter]

Wow! Talk about a random thing just happening! Sorry that you lost your truck...Glad you're all okay.

 

According to the Fire Chief, they have had four Ford truck fires in the hood. There will be an investigation by the insurance company and I'm sure Ford will want their crack at it. This translates into a possible 30 days before we see pay out on the loss. And of course, we didn't have rental insurance.

 

But hey, we don't want to change my luck. My life has always been about fireworks.

[Tomcat33]

But since there is really nothing you can do about here looking for you online you have to do it for yourself, and you have to tell yourself, "my life went on. I am with my family and we are making the best go at it" she is no longer and intruder to my life no matter how much she wants to know about me.

 

I hear ya? But I don't agree. So long as she is dogging my every step on line she continues to be an intruder in my life. That I can ignore it does not mean negate her actions.

 

I have been a patient and gracious ex-BW all along. I have understood her pain and anger over what my husband did. But you know wrong is wrong and I have had enough.

 

Further TC just because it is not a "crime" it doesn't mean that I don't feel harassed. I think you missed that point and I'm not sure why. We are talking about how I "feel" and that's not up for interpretation.

 

And actually, I can do something about it. I just haven't decided what.

 

Yeah but how do you know she is doing this unless you track her?

See my point? She is not contacting you so how do you know she is harasing you unless you are tracking her moves?

 

Ok well if you feel harassed do something about it. If it is interrupting your life then let her know you know what she is doing and that it has to stop.

[whichwayisup]

If you read about online stalking (and that is what she is doing), you see that my feelings are very normal. They also identify her type.

 

I'm going to do some legal research of my own.

 

Thanks for understanding. That may be all I get but since I don't discuss this outside of this forum, that may be what I need.

 

You're welcome.

 

Definately look into the legal aspects of it, and talk to your ISP provider as well.

 

I had a friend who had an online stalker, and he actually posed as a female, joined a site she was on, befriended her and all. She had mentioned to me, that she got a weird feeling from this girl, but figured she just had some problems (which later we all found out were crap as she made up a big SOB story, but at the time, one wouldn't think someone would make up such a thing) and that was all it was. Anyway, eventually this "girl" slipped up and called my friend by a special nickname - So "she aka HE" was busted. She ended up pressing charges later because he started stalking her house, would follow her around, leave little notes on her car. Very scary let alone creepy as hell.

Good thing is, he's no longer around, she moved to another Province in Canada.

 

According to the Fire Chief, they have had four Ford truck fires in the hood. There will be an investigation by the insurance company and I'm sure Ford will want their crack at it. This translates into a possible 30 days before we see pay out on the loss. And of course, we didn't have rental insurance.

 

That happened to one of my sis's friends. The car spontaniously burst into flames and the cause was in the hood. It wasn't a truck, but a old (probably was a Ford) beat-up car, as big as a boat!

 

Well, don't turn down any free meals if you all are invited somewhere for dinner!

[East of Jupiter]

I had a friend who had an online stalker, and he actually posed as a female, joined a site she was on, befriended her and all. She had mentioned to me, that she got a weird feeling from this girl, but figured she just had some problems (which later we all found out were crap as she made up a big SOB story, but at the time, one wouldn't think someone would make up such a thing) and that was all it was. Anyway, eventually this "girl" slipped up and called my friend by a special nickname - So "she aka HE" was busted. She ended up pressing charges later because he started stalking her house, would follow her around, leave little notes on her car. Very scary let alone creepy as hell.

Good thing is, he's no longer around, she moved to another Province in Canada.

 

I don't think I clearly stated it. She ALREADY did that. She befriended me directly and we had chats (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). I caught her when in her anger towards my husband she mentioned my S/N and some parts of our online conversation.

 

Well piss on me and call me a fire hydrant. (I have fire on the mind eh heh)

 

She sounded about as logical and emotionally mature as some of the OW I read on the forums.

 

Then she went on a campaign of the likes of which any 12 year old would be envious. You know leaving obscenities on my guest book, calling me a fat whore (coming from a size 18 panty that was rich) and it went on and on.

 

(TC) Of course she didn't sign her name! Of course I couldn't be sure it was her. She's dumb but not a total fool. So the trauma went on. More e-mails pretending to yet another OW. And the trauma train left the station.

 

Forward a bit. The mouse traps the cat this time. My mother would call that low hanging fruit (see what smoke inhalation can do to a poetic person?). The minute she thought it was him, she sang like a canary and all doubts were put to rest. Sweet!

 

And she has to live with having pounded the last nail into her own casket. If my husband had ANY residual feelings of anything even resembling friendship, it vanished upon receipt of that confession e-mail.

 

You would think she would have had the pride to never get caught sniffing my thrown again, eh?

[East of Jupiter]

Yeah but how do you know she is doing this unless you track her?

See my point? She is not contacting you so how do you know she is harasing you unless you are tracking her moves?

 

Ok well if you feel harassed do something about it. If it is interrupting your life then let her know you know what she is doing and that it has to stop.

 

 

You know TC I sense something about your response but I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

I'm not one to make hasty or foolish decisions. Taking my time allows me to entertain many sides of the issue and the possible consequences.

 

I am not sure a phone call would be smart. But online would work. Maybe I'll just write her an e-mail. But I don't have to decide today.

[whichwayisup]

EOJ you need some oxygen in ya! And yeah, don't decide today (or tomorrow either) about the email. Talk to your H and go from there.

 

Well piss on me and call me a fire hydrant. (I have fire on the mind eh heh)

 

Well slap my ass and call me Sally! (Was that from a movie? I hope so!)

 

I don't think I clearly stated it. She ALREADY did that. She befriended me directly and we had chats (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). I caught her when in her anger towards my husband she mentioned my S/N and some parts of our online conversation.

 

She obviously has issues, both emotional and mental. Single White Female and Fatal Attraction come to mind........

 

Sorry that you've had to go through all this stuff. I'm sure your H feels rotten as heck to have brought a woman like that into your lives! The thing is, noone knows what someone else is capable of when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

You would think she would have had the pride to never get caught sniffing my thrown again, eh?

 

She has no pride.

[East of Jupiter]

Or I'm just the bomb girlfriend.

 

 

Trust me, I'm a better catch than my husband.

[Tomcat33]

I

I don't think I clearly stated it. She ALREADY did that. She befriended me directly and we had chats (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). I caught her when in her anger towards my husband she mentioned my S/N and some parts of our online conversation.

 

Well piss on me and call me a fire hydrant. (I have fire on the mind eh heh)

 

She sounded about as logical and emotionally mature as some of the OW I read on the forums.

 

Then she went on a campaign of the likes of which any 12 year old would be envious. You know leaving obscenities on my guest book, calling me a fat whore (coming from a size 18 panty that was rich) and it went on and on.

 

(TC) Of course she didn't sign her name! Of course I couldn't be sure it was her. She's dumb but not a total fool. So the trauma went on. More e-mails pretending to yet another OW. And the trauma train left the station.

 

Forward a bit. The mouse traps the cat this time. My mother would call that low hanging fruit (see what smoke inhalation can do to a poetic person?). The minute she thought it was him, she sang like a canary and all doubts were put to rest. Sweet!

 

And she has to live with having pounded the last nail into her own casket. If my husband had ANY residual feelings of anything even resembling friendship, it vanished upon receipt of that confession e-mail.

 

You would think she would have had the pride to never get caught sniffing my thrown again, eh?

 

Well that's just it, if you are at all tempted to invade another person's privacy if the thought of the immense embarassmant one would feel if they got caught not to mention how pathetic one would look, if that is not enough to make you stop and think "wait a minute, prehaps NOT such a good idea" then really there is no reason why such person wouldn't proceed with their crazy inclinations.

 

When I confronted my ex and told him I know it's you, I was embarassed FOR him. I could see just how immensely bad he felt for bieng caught. YIKES! Wouldn't want to be in those shoes...I could see him blushing through the phone

 

 

Ok I can def see the light! NOW we are on the same page. Everything you just described is 100% evasive, intrusive, psycho, harrassing, maliscious...any other adj you can think of feel free to interject at any point....

 

I know what you mean I couldn't quite put my finger on your story either, by just saying she spies on you online...and that is how I interpreted it, then that in and of itself I didn't seem so intrusive to the point that it was infringing on your life. But what you just described is indeed very intrusive and it all makes sense now. Forgive me for not getting sooner and thanks for elaborating.

 

I don't blame you for not acting in a knee jerk reaction. Do study your options and study her actions. That's what I did with my ex, sure I had to continue to stay connected to him, something I was not wishing to do and I could have very easily let the game go on for quite some time possibly getting info out of him, pretending NOT to know who he was but what good would that do me? NONE what so ever, it would have only prolonged my pain to continue to connect with him even if it was in a subliminal way.

I mean to get what? And what could he get? I asked him that point blank! It wasn't enough you had to lie to me about moving back with your W that now you had to lie to me to such extent that you had to pretend to be someone else in order to go inside my head, you had to know exactly how I was feeling and what I was thinking? what kind of a sicko does that? He got the point, and I could sense he was extremely disgusted in his behaviour, he even said sorry. Something that didn't come easily for him.

Didn't change a thing but at that point I realised he saw just how out of control he was. But I kept him going a few days enough to be certain it was him, and when I was beyond a shadow of a doubt I went in for the kill. You might want to do the same, study and take notes and when you are 100% THEN go in for the kill.

WAIT!! but don't actually kill her it was just a figure of speech LOL

 

Anyhow as far as answering the why's of these women who stay obsessively tied for so long, I'm not the right person to answer that given that I don't understand why those who do, do so....

[East of Jupiter]

Thanks TC. I can see you do understand. I'm a little confused about your situation. Are you still with the MM you had the affair with?

 

You honestly didn't describe a bad person. Just a confused one. And your feelings are not different in the trust department than what the BS' go through.

 

Affairs bring pain to all involved. It never fails. Even when all things work out for everyone -- even when MM and OW R does work out and the BS goes on with their lives, everyone has to swallow a lot of grief in the process.

 

This is why if I can say anything to anyone that may in any way stop them from further hurting themselves and others, I will take that chance.

 

I'm grateful to you again for taking the time to think this out and give me such an honest and open response.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks TC. I can see you do understand. I'm a little confused about your situation. Are you still with the MM you had the affair with?

 

You honestly didn't describe a bad person. Just a confused one. And your feelings are not different in the trust department than what the BS' go through.

 

Affairs bring pain to all involved. It never fails. Even when all things work out for everyone -- even when MM and OW R does work out and the BS goes on with their lives, everyone has to swallow a lot of grief in the process.

 

This is why if I can say anything to anyone that may in any way stop them from further hurting themselves and others, I will take that chance.

 

I'm grateful to you again for taking the time to think this out and give me such an honest and open response.

 

You're welcome but we both learn for the exchange of views, so it's mutually educational. So thank you too

 

No I am not with him we've been broken up for months now. He chose to move back in with his W, once he had asked for time apart I used that time to decide I no longer wanted to be with him waiting for his D to get kicked into action. So during our time apart I stopped responding to his emails/ calls told him I was no longer interested in picking up our rel. He apparantely decided to move back in with his W during said time, hence D-day when he desperately wanted to see me and told me he missed me was very upset I refused to see him and so he moved back home LOL what a coward couldn't even say, he chose to do it because he wanted to, tried to blame me for not having contacted him and prompting him to move back with his W. What am I and his w, some interchangeable peices on a game board? that if one goes down you have another?

 

Anyway we've been done for a while now but he still finds ways to stay in contact with me. He is not over me, and is having a hell of a hard time letting go, and I have done everything in my power to keep him out of my life. I don't respond when/ if he emails etc. So remeber your question earlier of if I would want to know about his W? well he shares with me how he is doing every so often and what he is feeling and that has helped me move on in some strange way. Just knowing it was not ALL a lie that there were true feelings really helped me let go, the bigges thing was that I just didn't want to find out that it was all a big lie. And indeed it wasnt. It's sad to see he is so messed up and lost between the two places but what can I do? you can't have two women buddy, sorry Homie dont play that! And getting over him has not been a walk in the park for me either but once I said it's done it was done, I'm quite proactive when I want to be.. I am very strong that way...not to say I may not have thought "what if I respond..." but never acted on it.

 

This was the closest I will EVER come to having an A and I don't wish this upon my worst enemy. It was so terribly scaring for me, I have never felt so much anxiety pain etc in my life, it was trully a debilitating experience. It sucked the life right out of me. Just not cut out for so much drama. But there is a lesson in it if for all to be had.

Granted this is prob easier for me to say than it is for what you have to live through because you are the true victim in all of this, you didn't chose to be betrayed so I do take that into account.

 

What did I learn? If it feels wrong to me it IS wrong for me. No need to taste rancid smelling milk to ensure it's gone bad.

[Darth Vader]

Are you the eternal optimist type DV? Might explain your question.

 

 

 

Ok, you lost me!

[East of Jupiter]

Ok, you lost me!

 

No worries DV. My humor often misses its mark.

 

Just please accept from me that I meant no disrespect or insult.